To think that rude is just rude?

[hotwotsits]

We bought my sister in law a birthday gift last week..nothing fancy just got flowers and chocolates sent (chose her favourite chocolates as there's a bit of a running joke with them). Didn't hear anything from her until today and got a text saying 'got the pressie, cheers'. Told dh it didn't sound like she was very grateful and he said 'yeah, she's not really that kind of person'. Well, I don't care if you are that kind of person or not. As a grown up surely you should have the decency to know that when you get a gift you should respond in a grateful manner, no excuses, aibu? There is really no excuse!

I don’t think she was rude. She acknowledged the gift and thanked you.

Some people don’t make a big fuss or praise the gift, it doesn’t mean they’re rude. She may have been more expansive in person and messaging isn’t her thing.

@Bizawit

Really interesting thread . At first I was with the OP and horrified at the initial response of PPs. If I were OP I personally would have been offended too. But after reading the various posts I have changed my perspective.

At the end of the day this seems to be a question of people’s different expectations about the importance of performing a certain kind of manners. And ultimately that’s a cultural/ class / personality thing.

Many people have pointed out that flowers and chocolate are a very generic gift. I don’t think those posters are denying that some people might genuinely like these things, or that they aren’t nice to receive. I think the point is- they are very generic gifts and were most likely sent as a conventional way of performing manners. This is also evidenced by the expectation OP had that SIL would respond in a certain manner, and her offence when this convention was broken.

Maybe SIL just has a different value system/ would like to build relationships on terms that aren’t founded on the conventional exchange of tit-for-tat manners?

I supposed It is rude in the sense that it’s bucking against a particular convention of how a person should respond (at least in the culture that is familiar to me), but maybe she genuinely wasn’t interested in receiving a generic / performative gift on her birthday, and she didn’t feel like pretending otherwise? Does that make her a terrible human?

I think you're right, but this lack of manners does tend to mark people out and cause them problems outwith the family dynamic too.

I advertise rooms for rent in a shared house that I own from time to time. There's always a hige demand. The people with no manners who respond "Hi. Can I view this on Sunday at 6?" get ignored. The advert makes it clear that they are contacting the owner, and asks them to introduce themselves. It's astonishing how many adults don't even have the basic manners to do that. The ones who say "Hi. My name is x, and I'm looking for a room in x because I've just moved to x city for work/my current landlord is selling up Yours sounds ideal." get an invite to view.

I'm really good at picking tenants and weeding out.

@HyggeTygge

Please shoot me if I ever say "I loved tucking into the chocolates!" I'm not in Take a Break mag, about to 'pile on the pounds'!

Teas just a colloquial turn of phrase, not an invitation to replace your library.

It was quite rude. She should have said, “Thanks for the present, it’s lovely!” or similar. “Cheers” is rude.

I don’t think she was rude at all. You sent a gift, she acknowledged and thanked you . That’s what Cheers means.

Some people are formal, some are casual. Both are fine.

• Please shoot me if I ever say "I loved tucking into the chocolates!" I'm not in Take a Break mag, about to 'pile on the pounds'! grin*

I saw someone on here call them “choccy choc chocs” yesterday. I’ve only just put away the smelling salts.

Does she like you, OP?

I dont think she was rude as such as she did say thank you, in the form of cheers.

Just the thumbs up to wishing a happy birthday and then that response to thank you almost seems like she is responding because it would be rude not to. Not that she wants to.

It could also be down to the fact that birthdays are meaningless to her

I'm with you OP, I couldn't imagine not saying a genuine thankyou to anyone who got me a present, even if it was just something very small.

People complain if you don't say thanks, now we take it to the next level and complain people don't give a big enough thanks.

Some of you may be happier if you lowered your expectations and were just happy to have people in your life to share birthdays and presents with.

Get your husband to do it next time.

It all sounds very mean spirited to send a present and then moan and complain because you didn't get the exact thank you you were looking for. Why not just accept her style of communicating with good grace?

Different families have different ways of interacting (and she is family it's not like you have a formal relationship). In some families sending some flowers would come across as thoughtless and uncaring, other people love to get something simple like a bunch of flowers rather than something they may not like but would feel obliged to display.

I think you need to be a bit more flexible in your thinking. In the same way SiL offends your sensibilities you might well offend hers. Concentrate more on being a nice person and less on formalities.

Taking a week to send a thank you text seems pretty rude. I'd have assumed the present hadn't arrived/been delayed and wondering what I should do about it.

Thanks should have been sent on the day or next day.

What did you want back, a video of her on her knees thanking you for her chocolates? She acknowledged and thanked you for your present. Rude would have been not messaging you at all.

THIS! Very well put.

I think your judging her on expectations! And by your own way of doing things and if u expected her to Thankyou like you would then you where disappointed! That’s why I never expect anything then your never disappointed just go with the flow x

She isn’t you, you are annoyed because she didn’t reply using the exact words you wanted or expected. You cannot be angry at someone because they did something a different way
The end result is the same she said thank you for the gift

She should have thanked you sooner if it was by text then it could easily be done on the day, but the message itself was fine. I think some people think the real appreciation comes in what they might give you on your birthday, so if she always gets you something nice then that might be her attitude.

She thanked you, what on earth is your problem?

I think "got the pressie, cheers" is fine. Cheers means thanks. I can't see how "Got the pressie. Thanks, it's lovely" is so much different. As your husband says that's just her style of texting. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

@hotwotsits

Yes, messaged first thing on her birthday (before the delivery would have arrived), she replied with a thumbs up to that. Interesting (and making me feel better about it actually) as I'm clearly in the minority...I love giving gifts and also make sure I send a thought out thank you when I receive a present. But looks like this response is acceptable so I'll need to remember that and overthink it less in the future!

The fact she also acknowledged your message with a thumbs up to me indicates maybe she generally keeps messages short and simple.

Op I agree, it's a half hearted can't be arsed type response in my opinion. I gave my sister a really thought out gift for Xmas, all stuff I knew she'd love and I just got a thumbs up as a thanks whereas my other sisters who I did similar for I got a totally different response. It pissed me off tbh but I wasn't really surprised. I won't be going to as much effort next year.

She thanked you FGS. Everyone has different communication styles - I know several people who are efficient rather than wordy in their messaging and that's fine, it doesn't mean they're being rude!

The 'running joke' is it actually a running joke or a tiresome boring joke that has been flogged to death? maybe she doesn't find the joke funny and sees the chocolates as some passive aggressive point scoring hence the late lowkey thank you.

It's rude. In Edinburgh we say cheers all the time, for holding doors open to accepting a cup of tea etc. Cheers absolutely does not mean 'thank you very much', it means thanks for that ordinary thing you did.

All things being equal, if I sent flowers and chocolates to someone and their response was basically to acknowledge it but give no actual reference to being pleased or grateful, I wouldn't send them a gift again.

And this thread is so weird. I don't believe for a minute that posters would be happy to get 'cheers' as an acknowledgement of a delivered gift. It's absolutely rude.

If that’s how she normally is I would not take it to heart.