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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that rude is just rude?

187 replies

hotwotsits · 30/01/2021 22:05

We bought my sister in law a birthday gift last week..nothing fancy just got flowers and chocolates sent (chose her favourite chocolates as there's a bit of a running joke with them). Didn't hear anything from her until today and got a text saying 'got the pressie, cheers'. Told dh it didn't sound like she was very grateful and he said 'yeah, she's not really that kind of person'. Well, I don't care if you are that kind of person or not. As a grown up surely you should have the decency to know that when you get a gift you should respond in a grateful manner, no excuses, aibu? There is really no excuse!

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 31/01/2021 00:01

Your SIL has poor manners. Even a basic "thank you so much for the birthday present. The flowers are beautiful and I loved tucking into the chocolates" is surely not beyond the capabilities of any adult.

Its really a very decent gift for a crap SIL!

Diamondella · 31/01/2021 00:02

OP I would be the same as you. I would have found the content of her message a bit “can’t be arsed”. I would have made a bit more effort with that text too. If anyone buys me or my children presents I always acknowledge it in a grateful way. If the kids get a present off a family member I will film a little clip of them saying thank you and send it on what’s app. I spent £35 on my niece for her birthday - she sent a group what’s app
Message saying “thx for the presents” - some would say that’s fine, but we are all different , if it was me I would have sent a direct message. I posted a Small gift and a card to my sister in law for her birthday, no acknowledgement, on my birthday she didn’t even send a card. I’ve always been big on manners and I think if someone has taken the time to buy you a gift and spent their hard earned money on you, you should appreciate it no matter how small, but what I’ve learnt over time is not everyone is the same, some people are just a bit basic and think nothing of it, but you need to let it go, just my view but hope it helps x

HyggeTygge · 31/01/2021 00:02

"Cheers" means thank you where I'm from.
It's a bit casual but if e.g. my brother sent a text saying 'cheers', that's the equivalent of a handwritten thankyou card from him!
Some people have different ways of communicating via text.

"Got the chocolates - cheers!" seems more enthusiastic than "cheers." which seems sulky with the full stop, but some people don't think much of punctuation.

Resigned2021 · 31/01/2021 00:03

I think flowers are nice but they’re not particularly well thought out. If you buy them from somewhere like Waitrose you can add the chocolates on to the order - the whole thing can be done in a minute and does not take a huge amount of effort. I had a big birthday in lockdown and for some reason my family made very little effort.... less than they would for a regular birthday. I did get a bouquet of flowers but nothing else from my family and weirdly flowers AND cards and presents from a couple of friends. I felt a bit hurt on top of feeling a bit “ meh “ about not being able to celebrate. Do you think your SIL could be thinking a bit down about having a shit birthday under these circumstances? It’s a really, really grim crappy time of the year and birthdays a bit crap at the moment.

HyggeTygge · 31/01/2021 00:04

Please shoot me if I ever say "I loved tucking into the chocolates!"
I'm not in Take a Break mag, about to 'pile on the pounds'! Grin

Resigned2021 · 31/01/2021 00:08

Please shoot me if I ever say "I loved tucking into the chocolates!"

Lol. Does that apply to “posh chocs” too?

RightOnTheEdge · 31/01/2021 00:11

YANBU. It wasn't a great message.
I can't believe some of the responses you've got.
Bouquets of flowers are expensive and beautiful. You sent her favourite chocolates. I would be very happy and grateful for the gifts and the thought and so would most people that I know.

There are a lot of spoilt, grabby people on here.

RootyT00t · 31/01/2021 00:14

@HyggeTygge

Please shoot me if I ever say "I loved tucking into the chocolates!" I'm not in Take a Break mag, about to 'pile on the pounds'! Grin
Having a cuppa in my new fluffy slippers
PurpleRainDancer · 31/01/2021 00:16

Flowers and chocolates meh 😒

BackforGood · 31/01/2021 00:19

[quote hotwotsits]@BackforGood it's not priorities...the text was being sent, it could have/should have had more than 4 words, that's all.[/quote]
You are missing the point.
The point is you think it needs more words, your SiL clearly felt 'I've thanked hotwotsits'.

Hence answering you question to say, no, there isn't a mathematical line that says X is rude and Y isn't, it is down to opinion and perception and will very one to another.

Bizawit · 31/01/2021 00:28

Really interesting thread . At first I was with the OP and horrified at the initial response of PPs. If I were OP I personally would have been offended too. But after reading the various posts I have changed my perspective.

At the end of the day this seems to be a question of people’s different expectations about the importance of performing a certain kind of manners. And ultimately that’s a cultural/ class / personality thing.

Many people have pointed out that flowers and chocolate are a very generic gift. I don’t think those posters are denying that some people might genuinely like these things, or that they aren’t nice to receive. I think the point is- they are very generic gifts and were most likely sent as a conventional way of performing manners. This is also evidenced by the expectation OP had that SIL would respond in a certain manner, and her offence when this convention was broken.

Maybe SIL just has a different value system/ would like to build relationships on terms that aren’t founded on the conventional exchange of tit-for-tat manners?

I supposed It is rude in the sense that it’s bucking against a particular convention of how a person should respond (at least in the culture that is familiar to me), but maybe she genuinely wasn’t interested in receiving a generic / performative gift on her birthday, and she didn’t feel like pretending otherwise? Does that make her a terrible human?

eaglejulesk · 31/01/2021 00:29

Where I live cheers means thanks. You are being ridiculous and I feel sorry for your SIL. If you want to discuss being rude, coming onto MN and whining about something so petty is rude in my opinion.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 31/01/2021 00:40

I would say it is rude not to text on the day or the day after with a genuine thank you. Good manners cost nothing.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 31/01/2021 00:47

My SIL never ever thanks us for presents (not sure if she thanks her mates but she certainly doesn't say anything to me or my parents when we buy her a birthday present etc). She is very ungrateful.

She is rude in a million ways and unfortunately good manners can't be taught to an adult - we can't force her to say thank you. Some people are just not very polite.

Maddison12 · 31/01/2021 00:56

Some of these replies thoughConfused
It doesn't matter what the gift was, it's the thought that counts.
OP I would be annoyed at that message, it would have taken 20 seconds to say:
Flowers were gorgeous, thank you x

LizFlowers · 31/01/2021 01:07

'got the pressie, cheers!' sounds fine to me. If she hadn't liked it she would not have said, "Cheers", or else not contacted you at all. She is pleased with her gift. What did you expect? I can't see anything rude from her at all.

JackSparrowsTribute · 31/01/2021 01:07

@Maddison12

Some of these replies thoughConfused It doesn't matter what the gift was, it's the thought that counts. OP I would be annoyed at that message, it would have taken 20 seconds to say: Flowers were gorgeous, thank you x
Agreed. I'm very taken aback by others' posts on this thread showing their lack of manners too.
sabitchy · 31/01/2021 01:09

I hate receiving flowers 😫 it just gives me another job to do to be honest. I can never keep them alive more than 3 days and then they wilt all over the table and make a mess and then I have take them
Back out of the vase I searched for to put them in, clean it out, and chop up the flowers to fit them in my bin. It's just a chore to be honest...they bring me no joy whatsoever. Maybe your SIL feels the same way??

billy1966 · 31/01/2021 01:14

OP,

All sorts on MN, that's for sure.

With both our families and friends, flowers and chocolates would be considered a very kind and thoughtful gift, especially now.

So nice of you.

Extremely basic to send a text thanking you and a phone call might be likely too.

It's just really basic manners where I come from and not a big deal.

When you know better you do better.🤷🏻‍♀️

It was a very thoughtful gift.

If you think she's not pushed, don't bother again.

Flowers
BritWifeinUSA · 31/01/2021 01:20

By your own admission the gift was “nothing fancy, just flowers and chocolates”. You put minimal effort into choosing the gift, you didn’t even have to wrap anything and you didn’t send a hand-written card. You just pressed a few buttons on a computer. She’s responded in kind with the same amount of time and effort in her thanks.

Figgyboa · 31/01/2021 01:22

I don't see anything untoward with her response. I see cheers as a form of thank you.

thosetalesofunexpected · 31/01/2021 01:51

@hotwotsits

I am like you if someone gave me a gift,i would say,how kind,they were, I appreciate,it etc,
But I do accept that some people are different, they appreciate a gift in a different way,for e.g depends on their kind of personality type ,such as if someone is a type of person, who does not like flowery gushing talk/or gestures, and no nonsense, say as its,/not into fancy packaging type of person.
then obviously will be straight to the point,without any " i think you are wonderful" gushing gestures of appreciation.

Your siL attitude to you sending a birthday gifts, is just different,that's it.

Don't get hung about it.

thosetalesofunexpected · 31/01/2021 02:01

@sabitchy
I am Suprised anybody gives you any gifts,with ungratefulattitude about receiving flowers.

Its the thought that counts is the main essential,intent behind gifts giving.
Rember that !

Poor you it takes you a few mins out of your precious time to sort out dead flowers !
Oh life must such a uphill struggle you have to do another chore,job as clearing up dead flowers amongst all the other chores in life,my heart bleeds for you.
How on earth do you manage.😕

sabitchy · 31/01/2021 09:20

@thosetalesofunexpected I'm just being honest...I'm allowed to be honest. That's the problem with people these days, they don't like to hear the truth or like it when people call them out. It's a natural thing to want to say how you feel about things. It's just like a lot of people who don't like receiving candles/smelly things!! I love candles though.

HamAndButterSandwich · 31/01/2021 09:22

@HyggeTygge

Please shoot me if I ever say "I loved tucking into the chocolates!" I'm not in Take a Break mag, about to 'pile on the pounds'! Grin
That made me chuckle. I also love your username, although I'm picturing you as Amanda now!
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