Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think calling the samaritans makes you feel worse

279 replies

Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:18

I've seen it suggested to call the samaritans if you are struggling on here a lot. Aibu to think that the people who suggest this have never done it? I phoned and was asked what was wrong. I explained loneliness was making me depressed. She then proceeded to ask if I had a partner (no), close relationship with my family (no), friends willing to meet up (no). I asked her to stop making me feel worse. She then suggested going for a walk or going online. I explained that those ideas had actually occurred to me over the previous 10 months. She said I can call back anytime. What the actual fuck do people get out of this?!

OP posts:
XNamechangedx · 30/01/2021 20:23

What were you expecting her to say?

I’m not being sarcastic - genuinely, what were you hoping for?

If you can answer this, you may be able to help yourself feel better.

If you can’t, you can’t expect a other person to know...... it’s a difficult time abs there’s nothing to do........ many people are feeling this way as there’s no easy solution.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 30/01/2021 20:25

The samaratins are not trained counsellors AFAIK. So they can only help in as much as listening to you or asking questions.

Try Mind. They are a mental health specific charity.

www.mind.org.uk/need-urgent-help/using-this-tool

Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:25

I was hoping she might be be kind. I was hoping to feel better. If anyone posts about being upset on here samaritans are always mentioned by mumsnet so I finally gave it a try.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:27

Mind info line is closed atm

OP posts:
SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/01/2021 20:28

Like many things it probably depends if you click with the person you speak to, but I think it’s quite standard to establish whether you have a real-life support network.

EdithWeston · 30/01/2021 20:28

It does sound as if you had a duff experience there.

Samaritans are trained not to ask the sorts of questions you mention, and most definitely not to come up with solutions. They are a listening service, and just shouldn't be doing what you outline.

But anything that is staffed by humans can go wrong sometimes. I'm really sorry that you were on the other end of it.

Flowers

How are things going now?

user13752257 · 30/01/2021 20:30

That sounds pretty disappointing.

Occasionally it's helped (calls didn't go like yours). More times it hasn't. They're not supposed to make suggestions (which can make you feel like you're talking to a bot, "and how does that make you feel?") but some of them do... I don't know why walks are supposed to be quite so curative.

For me, the reasons leading to needing to call are so complex that by the time I've explained enough to have anything approaching a meaningful conversation it's caused more distress and made me feel even more isolated.

It usually ends up reinforcing that things are as awful as they feel. So I don't call anymore.

I think some people suggest it because they have no personal experience or an idealised idea of what it's like, some because they've had positive experiences, and some because they have no idea what else to say.

I find emailing them better as they keep the email chain for a month so you can have a conversation over a few weeks without repeatedly re-explaining yourself, but obviously it's not immediate like phoning.

Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:30

Thanks edith I genuinely thought it was me for a moment! At least I've put the warning out there so other people know what to expect I suppose. Things are still exactly the same, I only called them a little while ago but thanks for asking xx

OP posts:
Rummikub · 30/01/2021 20:31

I’ve found them hit and miss. One man tried to meet me when I was feeling my most vulnerable.

Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:31

Thank you user. I'm sorry you had to go through it too xxx

OP posts:
SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/01/2021 20:31

I think they have helped many people OP so I’d be wary about labelling the whole operation as crap. I’m really sorry you had a bad experience with them though.

LindaEllen · 30/01/2021 20:32

They're not really there to solve your problems. More to talk, and help you think things through. They can't give you answers but they can be a listening ear when you need it the most, and offer advice on many situations about where and how to get help.

Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:32

@Rummikub omfg! What a scumbag. I'm so sorry that happened to you x

OP posts:
katy1213 · 30/01/2021 20:32

They can hardly send a new best friend by special delivery - so what can you expect them to say? If you rebuff every attempt to open up a conversation - maybe therein lies the answer to your problem.
And the Samaritans - who are often maligned on Mumsnet - are only ordinary people trying their best. Some will be great; some will be experienced; some you'll get on with, or not, like anyone else; you might get the one who's terrified because it's their first shift. I bet they feel awful, too, if they sense that a call hasn't gone well.

user13752257 · 30/01/2021 20:33

Ah shit, that was your first call to them? Sad

It's ok to end a call and call back for a different person. Sometimes that's enough to get a totally different experience and have someone who'll just "be with" you.

Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:34

@SmidgenofaPigeon very true. But equally people should take care before referring anyone who is vulnerable there surely, as there is a lot of negative experiences reported on this thread already?

OP posts:
Lookingforwardto2021 · 30/01/2021 20:34

I didn’t find them helpful either. You are not alone OP 💐

Mreggsworth · 30/01/2021 20:35

They are just meant to be an ear to listen mainly.

Unfortunately apart from offering some kind and sympathetic words in those situations what can they do?

There arent any magic words that can make problems go away and they dont have the time or training to go into any deep therapy.

There is the crisis team too. They can also get stick, and it's a cliche that the first thing they suggest is "having a cup of tea" - but, really it isnt a bad suggestion, sometimes suggesting common sense solutions to calm down are helpful when you are not able to think straight, and sometimes they really arent helpful and come across patronising. Doesn't mean it was a bad suggestion.

Sorry you are going through a hard time though. I can imagine it must be frustrating to ask for help and it backfires. I just thought it was worth sticking up for them are ultimately they are doing good and trying.

purpleme12 · 30/01/2021 20:35

I've only called once I guess I haven't had the courage to do it again
But it did help actually that time
I was in a bit of a state at that point
The battery was going actually so it got cut off before the call ended!
I've emailed them quite a few times
And I do find it helps

Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:35

User first and last call lol. Really not strong enough to deal with that again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:37

I'm really heartened to hear of people with experience of being helped by them Smile

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 30/01/2021 20:38

I called them once and didn’t find them helpful, the woman was pretty much silent the whole time. I personally found it pointless might as well talk to myself! Wouldn’t call again.

Rummikub · 30/01/2021 20:38

@Fuckinlonely
Thank you
I was in such a vulnerable position that I actually was grateful for the attention I’m ashamed to say. Never told anyone in real life about it. (Ex had an affair.)
Another time I got a lovely woman who just was there at my lowest.

Hotzenplotz · 30/01/2021 20:39

I rang them at 16 a few days after getting out of hospital after a suicide attempt and told them what I'd done, bawling my eyes out.

"Well, that was silly, wasn't it." was what the lady on the other end of the phone said.

Yes, it was! Not helpful in the slightest though. Confused

SandysMam · 30/01/2021 20:39

I phoned them in the midst of a pnd breakdown and they were useless BUT the act of calling them sort of short circuited the panic I was in. It triggered something that made me realise I needed real help if that makes sense. I do think it entirely depends on the person you get. They must be so ridiculously busy right now!