Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think calling the samaritans makes you feel worse

279 replies

Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:18

I've seen it suggested to call the samaritans if you are struggling on here a lot. Aibu to think that the people who suggest this have never done it? I phoned and was asked what was wrong. I explained loneliness was making me depressed. She then proceeded to ask if I had a partner (no), close relationship with my family (no), friends willing to meet up (no). I asked her to stop making me feel worse. She then suggested going for a walk or going online. I explained that those ideas had actually occurred to me over the previous 10 months. She said I can call back anytime. What the actual fuck do people get out of this?!

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 30/01/2021 20:53

@Rummikub

I’ve found them hit and miss. One man tried to meet me when I was feeling my most vulnerable.
please, you must report this, seriously wrong in so many ways
Chalkcheese · 30/01/2021 20:55

I have had good and bad experiences. I think when you are feeling very down and depressed sometimes there is nothing anyone can say that will help. But of course not all of them are going to be your kind of person. They are not trained counsellors or anything, they are just there for somebody to talk to when you need to. I find talking online much more helpful, or to somebody who will make me laugh or let me rant about politics or something.

user13752257 · 30/01/2021 20:55

Those posters saying variations of "you have to be ready to help yourself / change your mindset or nothing anyone does can help you" ... That actually is not a universal solution to all mental distress. In some cases it is true, in others it is not valid.

I know the NHS heavily pushes that ideology via CBT because it's cheap and easily mass produced with little training, but some issues are more complex and can't be rectified that way no matter how hard a person tries or how open they are.

It's not fair or right to clobber people over the head by effectively telling them their distress is their own fault and isn't resolving because they haven't tried hard enough.

It's not correct and it's cruel.

Mif4 · 30/01/2021 21:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 30/01/2021 21:01

I agree. Empathy bank is in the red.

‘Go take a bubble bath’ was the worst I got. FFS.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 30/01/2021 21:04

@user13752257

Those posters saying variations of "you have to be ready to help yourself / change your mindset or nothing anyone does can help you" ... That actually is not a universal solution to all mental distress. In some cases it is true, in others it is not valid.

I know the NHS heavily pushes that ideology via CBT because it's cheap and easily mass produced with little training, but some issues are more complex and can't be rectified that way no matter how hard a person tries or how open they are.

It's not fair or right to clobber people over the head by effectively telling them their distress is their own fault and isn't resolving because they haven't tried hard enough.

It's not correct and it's cruel.

Couldn’t agree more - the toxic positivity one friend, quite hypocritically, foisted upon me helped to push me farther into hopelessness.

I’ve not truck with anyone in mental distress telling the toxic shit saying this crap to duck the fuck off.

luxxlisbon · 30/01/2021 21:04

@user13752257 you are putting words in people’s mouths there though. Someone saying “you have to be ready” does not equal “it’s your fault/ you aren’t trying hard enough”. The reality is that people can receive help at the wrong time and because of that it very well could not have the same level of impact.

Blondiney · 30/01/2021 21:07

Can totally relate, OP. I called them once, never again.

MN can be a supportive place, at times. If it's not a full moon. Smile

wardrobesandthebackofthem · 30/01/2021 21:12

To be fair, it's a very very difficult task to speak to someone you don't know with no resources to actually help them and at the end of the day you're a volunteer.

Sometimes it works really well and sometimes, not so much.

For those it helps, it has made an enormous difference.

NoIDontLikeTrains · 30/01/2021 21:15

I wouldn't call CALM personally, purely because I thought it was great that there was a specialist service for men and I wish they'd left it that way.

ThisIsNotSocialDistancing · 30/01/2021 21:17

wardrobesandthebackofthem

To be fair, it's a very very difficult task to speak to someone you don't know with no resources to actually help them and at the end of the day you're a volunteer.

Possibly so - but in which case, what's the point of the Samaritans and why are people urged to contact them?

XenoBitch · 30/01/2021 21:17

I have had mostly good experiences with them. A few times they did a follow up call with me the following day to see how I was coping. But one time, the chap on the phone was dismissive as hell and gave me instructions of a way to top myself at home that I would never have thought of.

People do suggest them with good intentions, but they do have their limits. They are a listening service and can't offer advice or tell you what to do. I think some people them expecting to be talked out of something or to be rescued. I tend to call the crisis team now... they know me and can offer practical advice.

Lovemusic33 · 30/01/2021 21:19

I have contacted them before and spoke via text and email, didn’t find it particularly helpful tbh. I have also had to call the crisis team before, they were slightly more helpful, gave me some things to try and called me back the next day to check how I was. I guess they are just there as a listening ear, sometimes just offloading can help, there is no magic cure for depression or anxiety, there are things we can try to calm ourselves or take our minds off what’s going on in our heads but this can take up a lot of energy and can only be done if we want to feel better.

Devlesko · 30/01/2021 21:19

The Samaritans are amazing both me and my dh have needed them, once each, and at different times.
They are life savers and make sure you get help straight away if you need it.
Yes, sometimes they might tell you to visit your gp, apart from a listening ear they can't do much more unless urgent.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 30/01/2021 21:19

Yeah completely agree OP..from my experience in the service people expect: active listening..people aim to draw comfort from the conversation-you need to genuinely hear(read) the client and ascertain what they are reaching out for and have strategies to deliver this.. the objective is not leave client feeling more anxious/depressed and wondering "why the hell did I psyche myself up for that"= FAIL
Of course its hit and miss on who is on shift when you call(personality-wise, shouldnt have a bearing but does). In an ideal world the standard would met be across the board..

Rainbowandscarlett · 30/01/2021 21:22

I rang once as my daughter was being bullied
I’d gone to the school and they where dealing with it-but the parents of the girls who where doing it turned on me as how dare I accuse their precious little princesses of bullying (apples don’t fall far from trees)
I had a lot on my plate with other stuff going on around that time and I broke
I rang them as I was desperate and the woman at the other end was very rude and was more bothered about my skin colour,age and where I was from
She then put the phone down on me!

SunshineCake · 30/01/2021 21:22

I emailed them once. They said they didn't understand my problem but I could email them again in a week or so if I wanted.

ThisIsNotSocialDistancing · 30/01/2021 21:23

Speaking for myself, someone who listens carefully to what I have to say, acknowledges it's a big deal and there are no easy answers and I'm not wrong to be overwhelmed, and reassures me that it's possible to get through each moment at a time because I've done it before - that helps a bit. But the Samaritans didn't do that when I called. They made me feel foolish for feeling the way I felt.

TennisBunny · 30/01/2021 21:25

I've called them twice.
First time - amazing. Got a lovely lady who made me feel ten times better about myself.
Second time - really disappointing. Luckily I wasn't at major risk, as I honestly think he made it worse; which could have been dangerous.

That being said - it's not something I'd want to do (be an operative) it must be stressful and quite demoralising at times

mynewusernameisthis · 30/01/2021 21:25

I can also recommend mind. Can you email and request a call back maybe? And GP. Flowers

NoIDontLikeTrains · 30/01/2021 21:26

Xeno practical advice like telling you to 1. have a bath when you're in student digs with no access to one, followed by a suggestion to sit in the shower tray instead; 2. go for a walk; or 3. make a cup of tea — when it's 3am and you'll wake other people if you turn your shower on or start messing about in the kitchen, don't fancy walking the streets in the dead of night, and could do without excess caffeine when you need to sleep?

Bath, walk, tea: the crisis team pharmacopoeia.

Flowerythoughts · 30/01/2021 21:28

Family member volunteered for samaritans. It was awful trying to have a phone conversation with this person because they just sat in silence, waiting for you to talk, as they had been trained to do by the Samaritans! They were told they weren’t allowed to offer advice, I used to feel sorry for any poor person that got them at the end of the phone.
I had a terrible experience with Mind, awful.

There is a link at the top of this to find an urgent MH line if anyone needs it.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

BigPaperBag · 30/01/2021 21:28

I once called when I was in the dying stages of my relationship with my ex husband. I would cry every night in despair, he cheated on me, gave me an STD, was violent. You get the picture. I finally plucked up the courage to call them and I said ‘I just need someone to chat to’ The woman responded with ‘we don’t do chats’ I was so embarrassed, upset and felt as though I was wasting their time. I just hung up. I’m sure they get many time wasters but I really wasn’t, it’d taken me weeks to build up the courage to call and it took me weeks to build up the courage to call again. Admittedly the second man was lovely.

OwningAllMyMistakes · 30/01/2021 21:31

So let me get this right the OP is struggling mentally but doesn’t make any mention of feeling suicidal and then has the audacity to then come on to a forum and criticise the work of a volunteer who is there on hand & could be for hours talking to someone who is the the very edge of taking their own life &. It just someone feeling sorry for themselves.
In all honesty I’m sure there is more to the OPs reason for calling but then be honest about it and to criticise a vital charity is very poor indeed.
My skin in the game for this is I attempted suicide and didn’t expect to make it through and when I came round and pried myself out of the dried bloody mess I was in I rang the Samaritans who helped me I’m grateful for what they do and many people are alive to tell them that.

ThisIsNotSocialDistancing · 30/01/2021 21:32

Devlesko

The Samaritans are amazing both me and my dh have needed them, once each, and at different times.
They are life savers and make sure you get help straight away if you need it.

How did they help? What did they do? Genuinely want to know!