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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To think calling the samaritans makes you feel worse

279 replies

Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 20:18

I've seen it suggested to call the samaritans if you are struggling on here a lot. Aibu to think that the people who suggest this have never done it? I phoned and was asked what was wrong. I explained loneliness was making me depressed. She then proceeded to ask if I had a partner (no), close relationship with my family (no), friends willing to meet up (no). I asked her to stop making me feel worse. She then suggested going for a walk or going online. I explained that those ideas had actually occurred to me over the previous 10 months. She said I can call back anytime. What the actual fuck do people get out of this?!

OP posts:
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 22:07

I didn't know it was doomed to fail did I? People should make it clearer when they tell you to call them.

OP posts:
Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 22:08

@Rowenasemolina no she thinks he was a perve. Rtft.

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 30/01/2021 22:09

[quote Fuckinlonely]@TheCanyon wow, you are a lovely person. Thank you so much for the offer. I wont take you up on it, as I'm not in danger but there are people posting on the mental health board all the time who might love that if you have the time xxxxxx[/quote]
I'm really not but as someone who worked within the very new community mental health partnership at the time of losing F, I get it. I lost my partner, job and home. The failures surrounding mh in this country is horrendous.

ThisCollie · 30/01/2021 22:10

I called and found it helpful in my late teens. I wasn't expecting a man, but that is what I got, and he listened patiently to my crying and babbling for ages. And ages. He was simply kind and completely unjudgemental. There was no advice; just friendly listening. My only experience of men before was using me for sex and abandonment (in the case of my dad). I am glad I rang. Smile

Pastnowfuture · 30/01/2021 22:10

I've never rang but used their email support service once and it did help. Responses were a bit bland but much what I expected. It was much more about me getting everything out on paper and a real person reading it and not judging me for how I felt.

Rowenasemolina · 30/01/2021 22:13

[quote Fuckinlonely]@Rowenasemolina no she thinks he was a perve. Rtft.[/quote]
Or maybe he was offering her a face to face appointment?

wardrobesandthebackofthem · 30/01/2021 22:14

I didn't know it was doomed to fail did I?

No, I get that. Now that you know it's a 'Talk and we'll listen' service, maybe it would go better.

SparklingLime · 30/01/2021 22:14

It is not up to the person in distress to know what they need the Samaritan to say, @AwaAnBileYerHeid. By definition the caller is upset and desperate. It is up to the organisation to select and train their volunteers to be able to convey some level of care and reassurance whilst listening.

Being able to convey kindness and empathy to someone in distress is such an invaluable ability, and ime quite rare. In contrast, knowing that Samaritans are recommended so universally as the place to turn to when distressed or suicidal, it can be gutting to find them dismissive, cold or lacking.

I’ve had rubbish experiences phoning them too, @Fuckinlonely. It’s slightly reassuring to read this thread as I kind of blamed myself. I now wonder about the quality of their volunteer-selection and training. It’s a wonderful idea in theory, but shocking to hear so many actively unhelpful experiences. Although good to hear that some have benefited, something is definitely not right.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 30/01/2021 22:14

@Fuckinlonely

This was my first ever experience of mental health support. I didn't have much expectation but I thought they would be nice and I would feel the same or better. Feeling worse wasnt my goal so I came here to discuss it.
But you haven't said she wasn't "nice", you've just said that she tried to chat with you and explore your life a little further. I think it's important, if you're in the right frame of mind of course, to think about what you are looking for from the call and if there are perhaps other options that may be better for you. I hope you get the help that you're looking for.
icytravels · 30/01/2021 22:16

I emailed them a few times when my mom died, they couldn't have been better.

Someone1987 · 30/01/2021 22:16

Yet they are suggested everywhere when feeling suicidal, which I don't understand! A voluntary service...they expect them to solve mental health issues. Ridiculous. They are not equipped for thst and I shall never ring them in crisis.

Flatcokeisnojoke · 30/01/2021 22:17

My sister is a Samaritan, it’s all volunteers who get training on the job

They are trained not to give advice, at all, but just to listen. That’s all it is. She has had people who had taken an overdose and just wanted to talk to someone in their last hours Sad She’s had people (Men) who just silently wank Hmm and people in complete distress, and others who are just very very lonely and need a friendly voice, any voice

And whoever it is she just listens sympathetically, that’s what they do. No advice.

None are counselors or therapists or psychologists

I hope people have realistic expectations

Fuckinlonely · 30/01/2021 22:20

@AwaAnBileYerHeid no I've been thoroughly put off any sort of 'support'. Its way too stressful. Maybe when/if things are perfect in my life I could risk it but not now. I'm not saying she didn't believe that she was being nice and I'm not saying she didn't have good intentions, but she wasnt nice.

OP posts:
marly11 · 30/01/2021 22:21

@Rummikub sorry to hear that. It makes me wonder if it's my ex! I've never quite got over the bitterness of the fact that my womanising and then, it turned out, abusive ex, became a Samaritan. It irks me constantly that this role is somehow a passport to being a virtuous person. He is a master charmer but a nasty piece of work. But for any woman that met him, 'he is a Samaritan'. Angry. It must help his image. I came across a Samaritan desk on our local station about a year ago and it was all I could do to stop myself going up and ranting about it - which I realise would get me nowhere!

Whatdoyoudowhendemocracyfails · 30/01/2021 22:22

“ None are counselors or therapists or psychologists

I hope people have realistic expectations”

But the Samaritans are being promoted heavily as the first port of call for anyone in crisis - all over my social media from well-meaning friends and also even here on MN.

I don’t think they can be the answer, especially now when mental health needs are so acute.

Rummikub · 30/01/2021 22:22

@Rowenasemolina
No it wasn’t. There were references to a Saturday night, dressing up, taking me out.
At the time though I was so needy that I stayed on the line.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 30/01/2021 22:23

@SparklingLime that's obviously not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that people should be aware of their expectations and how realistic they are when calling a volunteer helpline. The conversation (from the very limited amount of information the OP has given us) sounds entirely reasonable. I think it's important for people to realise however that the samaritans can't offer a life changing conversation that gives them all the tools they need to get rid of all their problems and leaves them feeling brand new. No one can. They are a listening ear service, it's not staffed by clinical psychologists.

Rummikub · 30/01/2021 22:25

[quote marly11]@Rummikub sorry to hear that. It makes me wonder if it's my ex! I've never quite got over the bitterness of the fact that my womanising and then, it turned out, abusive ex, became a Samaritan. It irks me constantly that this role is somehow a passport to being a virtuous person. He is a master charmer but a nasty piece of work. But for any woman that met him, 'he is a Samaritan'. Angry. It must help his image. I came across a Samaritan desk on our local station about a year ago and it was all I could do to stop myself going up and ranting about it - which I realise would get me nowhere! [/quote]
Yes I did wonder, once I’d recovered a bit, if some would use it to access vulnerable people.
I rang 4 times I think. The other three or so times were invaluable.

Rowenasemolina · 30/01/2021 22:26

My neice is a Samaritan. Her role is just to listen and be company to distressed people. She has no answers or advice, just sympathy. She makes herself available 4-8 hours a week, including night shifts, including early shifts which mean getting up at 3am.

She says she expects to feel she has helped around half of genuine callers. What’s on offer is of some value to some people, not to others. What’s on offer if basically a listening ear, nothing more.

She also spends a lot of hours talking by phone or face to face to prisoners. Many prisons lend prisoners mobile phones with only the Samaritan number on, nothing else. Samaritans also visit.

She talk to people face to face too, and goes into schools, food banks, stations ( after a suicide) etc

And she tolerates the most horrific abuse. There are sex callers most shifts. And apart from that , there are other callers who only ring up to be threatening, or nasty in other ways, saying they are waiting outside the branch with a knife, etc. She has had every insult under the sun shouted down the phone at her

She says she can cope with anything, except not being able to understand what the caller is saying. They get a lot of very drunk callers, or very drugged up calkers, which is hard. Also people ring the British Samaritans from. All over the world, and English, and accents can be a problem too

purpleme12 · 30/01/2021 22:28

Oh that's awful about the sex callers and abuse 😳

Voice0fReason · 30/01/2021 22:29

It was a long time ago but I phoned them a couple of times and had good experiences.
They listened and helped me get my thoughts into perspective. there was no advice offered, I wasn't expecting any.

Rummikub · 30/01/2021 22:29

That sounds awful. Your niece sounds like one of the good ones. @Rowenasemolina

Mummadeze · 30/01/2021 22:33

I only ever phoned once after a terrible row with my partner when my business was going bankrupt and I was exhausted with a young baby. I was really upset and stressed and she didn’t help, no. But thinking back, am not sure what she could have done. She did make me feel like my problems weren’t very important though and that wasn’t helpful.

Someone1987 · 30/01/2021 22:35

Why are these people.suggested EVERYWHERE for help then? On social media, TV, this site...it's sold to people as though they are the number one place to go, but they evidently can't deal with issues and can't even tell someone not to end it all. So what's the point?

Theunamedcat · 30/01/2021 22:35

I got abused by them complained got abused again then got another email asking if I was OK and saying I had received less than ideal help and support I said no shit sherlock never contact me again