What happens when your teenager runs away?

[OBitchPeas]

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again.
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

I'm glad he is home OP. Where did he go?

I would leave him in bed for a bit. Let the dust settle. Least if he is asleep there is no arguing. I wouldn't expect much today but I would try and talk about it soon.

I'm at home with just him tomorrow, I know I will be calmer then. I will talk to him but I'm not sure what I could talk about that I haven't already before.

Listen to him, listen and try to remember how bloody hard it is to be 14.

My mum thought we had a good relationship because she talked all the time, but she didn't listen, never met half way and I just had a life she had no idea about.

Best book ever that helped with my teenager was ‘10 days to a less defiant child’ it really helped me to change the way I reacted to her.

Op firstly you are not a bad parent, teens can be emotional and hard to even try and work out at times. It might have already been suggested I haven't read all the way through but has he got anyone he will confide in say Aunty or Uncle .Just wondering if something is scaring him or worrying him and this is his way of coping. Someone needs to make him realise that he could end up with a criminal record and he can turn that round .Taking his phone i don't know if that makes matters worse and the grounding but I absolutely not going to judge how you deal with it.I have never been in this situation but growing up my cousin was the same would do excatly the same. It is difficult but you shouldn't be trying to cope on your own .Have you spoke his gp see if they can make a referral for outside help .

Glad he's home, OP.

I think a lot of teens are having a very tough time right now, which means so are their parents.

I think that when weed is involved, it can really mess with a teen's head. I know this from bitter experience with DS.

I hope to God this is just a teen acting out, but county lines etc are a very real thing.

I know that PP mean well when they say just ask him what's going on, but I am fairly sure it's not as easy as that if they have gotten themselves into something.

I know that I will get shouted down for this, but I would search his room. Where is he getting the weed from? Where is he getting the money for the weed from?

If you live somewhere that has any agencies that are still operating during lockdown OP, I would seek them out.

I know that I will get shouted down for this, but I would search his room.

I hope you do get shouted down because it's a terrible idea on many levels. Don't do this, OP. If you don't make him feel safe, he'll find someone who does...

To be entirely honest @OBitchPeas if he's smoking weed, getting onto a school roof and trashing a car park there are significant and serious issues in the background that reading a book about teenage behaviour is not going to address.

I cannot imagine what you are going through but wonder, if as well as the wrong crowd, there may be something going on vis a vis his mental health and potentially neuro developmental disability or the beginning of significant MH issues.

Personally I think he needs to be assessed by a psychiatrist and possibly needs therapy and you would all benefit from some family therapy. I would be putting that in place, talking to school about behaviour there and friendship group, etc.

I am so sorry this is happening.

just remember

you haven't fucked up or gone wrong

don't sweat the small stuff is a good one

what would I do with a runaway teen

probably book them into a premier inn as a cooling off period (thats off the top of my head)

give positive attention and ignore the irritating stuff

don't take the blame, every teen is different

@OBitchPeas Time to listen to him. Not you talking at him, telling him. Ask him about how he is feeling. Show an interest in him in this way.

If you are unable to control your emotions when your buttons are pressed, perhaps you can see why your DS does the same?

Take your space From him today OP and TBh I would take your space from this thread too. People are well meaning but you need to work out your own feelings and plan in your head. This is your son, and your family who is as different from every other teen as fingerprints are from each other. You will work it all out in your own head as you go about your day today and you will naturally calm down.

@OBitchPeas
I think I must be reading a different thread than a lot of these posters.
He has just turned 14.
He had a good amount of freedom and responsibility.
And he ended up smoking weed, climbing on top of his school roof, trashing tesco car park and being arrested at 4am

People advising you to stay calm, let him talk about how he is feeling, give him back his phone.
This is not normal behaviour, I don't know any barely 14 year old's who do things like this, I think you are right to be so annoyed and cannot understand posters asking you if you are unable to control your emotions. This is his issue, not yours and he is behaving like a brat. And in case it is questioned, yes I do have teens and no they, nor their friends, have ever behaved like that.

Sorry OP, it's tough. I have a feisty and rebellious 15 year old DD. She isn't running away but has snuck out of the house to chat with a friend at the end of the road at 3am, and she has been caught smoking weed.

You've asked why people keep advocating more freedom. My experience is this:

At the moment, contact with friends is so limited and it is having a devastating effect on that age group. There have been times when I would normally have taken DD's phone for a couple of days, but right now, we're not. We recognise that it's the only way she has of communicating with her friends at the moment and even if they are planning stupid shit, taking her phone away is just too isolating for her. If they want to be irresponsible, they will find a way.

Since allowing DD to keep her phone all night and asking her to 'self regulate' and go to sleep at a sensible time, she has been infinitely better. Less FOMO and she can see that everyone else is at home and bored too.

I get that he used the phone to sneak out before, but he will do this with or without a phone, and far safer for everyone if he has it on him. This is a phase that will almost certainly pass - he is being a 'rebellious teen' but because of lockdown, there is more sneaking involved. I'm not saying it's okay, I'm not a softy, no punishment parent AT ALL, but I've learned that with DD - it DOES make her more responsible, if I give her a bit more trust.

Two nights ago, she told me her friend had snuck out and was outside our house at 2am. She woke me up to tell me this. I told her she could chat with friend in the front garden for 15 minutes and then she was to come back to bed and friend was to go home immediately or I would text friends mum. I was so delighted she woke me up and asked me and although my gut instinct was to say "No! Don't be ridiculous of course you can't go out", it seemed like a fair compromise and progress.... That's why I am advocating a bit of trust.

Good luck. It's hard.

[quote 132orbust]**@OBitchPeas
I think I must be reading a different thread than a lot of these posters.
He has just turned 14.
He had a good amount of freedom and responsibility.
And he ended up smoking weed, climbing on top of his school roof, trashing tesco car park and being arrested at 4am

People advising you to stay calm, let him talk about how he is feeling, give him back his phone.
This is not normal behaviour, I don't know any barely 14 year old's who do things like this, I think you are right to be so annoyed and cannot understand posters asking you if you are unable to control your emotions. This is his issue, not yours and he is behaving like a brat. And in case it is questioned, yes I do have teens and no they, nor their friends, have ever behaved like that. [/quote]
Which is precisely why OP needs to find out why her son is behaving like that, and the only way to do that is to ask him, and let him speak, and actually listen.

"His issue, not yours" is exactly the problem. We don't know what his issue is because he's not on here to tell us.

You will probably get a call from social care. And the school may get involved. Ds did similar last week. We are now having family mediation. Mine rang off because we took his phone away and he told school he wanted to go into care.

[quote Bumblebee1980a]@OBitchPeas

*I asked him to wash up just now and he said he can't be arsed.
I shouted.

Then stopped and walked away. I'm just too cross to be of any help whatsoever today.
*
I don't like this approach. He's angry (a cover up emotion) and you're asking him to do the washing up? Look at the bigger picture.

Leave him alone. Let him process everything. You calm down. No nagging him.

Once you've calmed down and reflected go and give him a hug and tell him you were scared when he ran away (because you were I could tell by your posts so be congruent). Apologise for taking his phone.

He probably thinks you don't care. He prob thinking "I've run away and all she cares about is the washing up" (I'm not saying this is true - it's just the way a teenager thinks sometimes).

I'm not into the old fashioned authoritative approach. It does more damage than anything else. I mean what does a kid learn from negative reinforcement. It's basic psychology that negative reinforcement doesn't work for good mental health.

Communication is the key. Treat him like an adult. That doesn't mean he doesn't have curfews but it should be a joint decision and discussing why he can't be out after a certain time.

There are books on teenagers. Personally I'd do some research on that. I know I will when I reach that point. The best parents critically appraise their approach to parenting all the time and then adjust it need be.

Teenage years are the hardest years, let's not forget this.

[/quote]
This is really good advice. I used to run away a lot as a child and I honestly thought my parents didn't care about me. All they did was shout and I didn't understand they were angry because they were frightened and worried.

Tell him you love him.

What prompted you taking the phone away again? Am I right in thinking you decided on his punishments together for the 4am escapades?

You can't just tell him you love him; my parents told me they loved me, and I see now that they did in their way, but at the time it wasn't backed up by their lack of respect, dismissal of everything I said, refusal to believe that the problem could be anything other than my inherent failings because I was a teenager, and just general attitude that they couldn't possibly be doing anything unwise and the entire thing was merely "my issue, not theirs".

Don't just say you love him, show it too. Listening to what he has to say is one of the best ways of doing that and is the only way to find out what the actual problem is.

@Bumblebee1980a

I haven't read all the posts. However I would say taking his phone away from him isn't the right thing to do.

When he comes back home I would say to him that you've had time to reflect and taking his phone away wasn't the right thing to do. I know some posters are saying you're basically reinforcing the behaviour of running away but I don't think you are.

Talk to him, ask him how he would manage (what he did re smoking weed and trolleys) what had happened if he were in your shoes. It shows your talking to him like an adult and also his feedback will give you some idea of where he is maturity wise (although I'm sure you have some idea).

I don't have all the answers other than it sounds like you're really going through.

This is very sensible advice.

My DD ran away, or actually, didn't get off the school bus at the bus stop, then did similar over & over, skipping school,
it was the weed. some people will tell you its just a fad, its harmless... but in our case, it completely made her psycho.
It was a long desperate period for me, She wouldn't speak to a psychiatrist. Beware not to leave your purse around, money will disappear.
The question is, how do you stop them ? I don't know. (other than move, & change school)
Do you know anyone who live miles from anywhere who would have him ?

123orbust

People advising you to stay calm, let him talk about how he is feeling, give him back his phone.
This is not normal behaviour, I don't know any barely 14 year old's who do things like this, I think you are right to be so annoyed and cannot understand posters asking you if you are unable to control your emotions.

@123orbust, from what I can see, a lot of the people giving this advice are speaking from their experience of dealing with behaviour that isn't normal, parents who know some of the dangers involved. Parents who have been in that situation where everything hangs on a thread and your ability to control your emotions as a parent and find something that works is, literally, the difference between life and death.

I am quite convinced that in my case one of my children would not have lived to see adulthood and the other would almost certainly be NC by now. My eldest tried to kill herself repeatedly, my youngest in despair once drew a knife on me. We are still a close family with adult children living at home and everybody getting on well together. Dc have grown up into adults I am deeply, deeply proud of.

I can't guarantee my advice is right for the OP, but it definitely doesn't stem from never having dealt with a problem. What I'm saying is "these suggestions from other posters seem sensible and they are very similar to something that worked for us". That's the best any of us can do.

I think you need to look at what caused you to take the phone originally and look at why he is behaving in that way. Foster care feels a long way off from here??

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

You can't just tell him you love him; my parents told me they loved me, and I see now that they did in their way, but at the time it wasn't backed up by their lack of respect, dismissal of everything I said, refusal to believe that the problem could be anything other than my inherent failings because I was a teenager, and just general attitude that they couldn't possibly be doing anything unwise and the entire thing was merely "my issue, not theirs".

Don't just say you love him, show it too. Listening to what he has to say is one of the best ways of doing that and is the only way to find out what the actual problem is.

I wasn't saying that's all she should do which us why I quoted @Bumblebee1980a's post about backing off and having a calm and adult discussion with him.

From what I remember, they did have a good open conversation after the 4am incident. What has happened to make him lose his phone this time?

I would look into individual therapy for him and family therapy around your relationship. Teen years are hard. He could have some baseline MH issues+hormones that will make things challenging no matter how good your family life is. These things happen in many families not just broken homes, etc. Good luck--scary, I know.

Glad he’s back op. Teens are bloody hard work although I think being a teenager is also bloody hard, especially at the moment.

I would ask him who he needs you to be right now.

I don't have any specific advice OP, you sound like nice parents. I just wanted to offer sympathy - I have a DS 16, who has given me a few scares over the years, when I knew he was drinking and couldn't get hold of him etc, the police were involved a few times for various things. I always found they were great actually. All I can offer is that this is a phase, it will pass, your DS hormones will be all over the place and on top of that teens are having a tough time ATM obvs. The fact you basically have a good relationship with him is so important, and suggests that as he develops and life gets back to more normal, he will probably be fine. Good luck.