What happens when your teenager runs away?

[OBitchPeas]

Just turned 14 a couple of weeks ago, packing his stuff because we took his phone away.
2 weeks ago he was at the police station in the middle of the night because he snuck out.
Now he's kicking off because he hasn't got his phone.
Saying he will leave and never see us again.
He has no phone and no money.

I was trying to talk some sense into him in a calm
manor but he was being so painfully unreasonable that I ended up shouting.
He's now utterly trashing his bedroom. So he's still hear at least.

But if he leaves, what happens next? Obviously I call the police but what happens then?

[quote Rosie2000]@midsummabreak yes I am a teacher so have seen teens from loving homes and chaotic ones involved in county lines- they exploit any weakness. Op if he has been smoking weed then he and his friends are getting it from somewhere . Smoking weed can have a huge affect on a teens personality.[/quote]
Ive worked with teens stabbed and too scared to speak because they are involved in county lines.

I've spoken to DS about it so many times.

The reality of it. What to look out for, what to avoid.

I've seen first hand what physical and mental damage it can do.
Bloody awful.

Do you have a drive through about 10-15 minutes from you?

It's a good time to talk to teens in the car and he may come out for a Maccy D drive through breakfast and you can talk to him.

Start with asking him how he thinks the situation can be resolved. Why does he think he should have his phone. Why does he think you took it. Tell him you love him and don't want to see his impulsive decisions to affect his future.

@Oblomov20

Wish I hadn't posted.

"Blimey, there must be more to that. "

No. There wasn't.

Sorry.

My mum and her friend swapped sons for a summer. Everyone benefitted from the change away from ingrained behaviours, and the boys realised that everyone had similar expectations of behaviour, and their own parents weren't deliberately torturing them.

But this was before smartphones, so it would be much harder then to make underhand plans.

Do you have a campus cop at his school? They can be effective in bridgig the gap between home and police.

Hoping you find a solution, OP.

@itsgettingweird

Do you have a drive through about 10-15 minutes from you?

It's a good time to talk to teens in the car and he may come out for a Maccy D drive through breakfast and you can talk to him.

Start with asking him how he thinks the situation can be resolved. Why does he think he should have his phone. Why does he think you took it. Tell him you love him and don't want to see his impulsive decisions to affect his future.

Today I need to stay out of his way because I'm really cross and I won't be able to keep a lid on it.

I asked him to wash up just now and he said he can't be arsed.
I shouted.

Then stopped and walked away. I'm just too cross to be of any help whatsoever today.

I'm at home with just him tomorrow, I know I will be calmer then. I will talk to him but I'm not sure what I could talk about that I haven't already before.

He will get his phone back, and we'll expect him to put it down at 10.30 like we always have done.

I'm not giving his phone back because it sends the message "run away and you'll get exactly what you want in return"

Really, I cringed a little at this line.

Yes, 14 year olds are a difficult hybrid between adults and children and the result can be hard work but don't get petty.

Your 14 year old is likely to come back and you want him to stay. Treating your son like a naughty dog may have horrible results.

You have all the trappings of a happy family but do you communicate with your son? Do you respect your son? Do you have a good enough relationship with your son? Go deeper than old fashioned discipline and look at the dynamics of your whole family because this will be part of why your son is so unhappy.

Your son sounds ridiculously bored and frustrated, lockdown is doing real damage to teens. He sounds like someone who wants some danger, rebellion and to piss you off, he may also be so bored he wants to leave his reality for a while, have some sympathy for these feelings.

A good, understanding relationship will go a long way in this case.

Please don't have your son on the streets over a confiscated phone, it would be ridiculous and extreme. Remember a vulnerable teen is very useful to some criminals.

So glad he is back op, what a horrible time for you all.
I understand what you are saying and it's not your fault. You sound like a great parent.

Personally I think I would flip the script totally at this point as the approach you are taking seems to be inflaming the situation and his responses are putting him at risk.
He is using any reason to have an argument - so don't offer him any!
I wouldn't have any rules at all, just suggestions. No phone time limit, no expectations of washing up etc.
If he tried to get in a row I would just say I'll give you some time to calm down because I love you.
The only thing I would be saying to him tomorrow is we love you and just want you safe. We are here for you. I wouldn't show him I was cross - only love and support. A new day and a new start. Each time a fresh start, no holding grudges.
Everything from now on positive. As parents you can be stable - he is the teenager who is having issues - not you.
It's worth a try?

Glad he came back.
I’m in the ‘don’t take phone away’ camp. I realised a while ago that you take that away and kids feel they have nothing left to lose.

Where is your dh (assume his dad)?in all this? Is he helping w his son? My ds is having a tough time atm mentally (not running away but still challenging for us), and dh has really stepped up to the mark as I think ds (nearly 17), is really responding to what he is saying and doing with him. He’s the more practical one and less emotional which is working!!
So hard to keep your frustrations in, I have to admit to losing the plot recently (not at anyone, I screamed in the kitchen on my own), but def recommended screaming into the abyss rather than at a teen!!

I don’t want to sound awful but, l would never take my teen’s phone during lockdown. No matter how evil she is ( and she can be). In normal times l would, but it’s their only contact with their friends. Which is a teens entire world.

I think this makes good sense.

When dd was school refusing, there was a certain amount of pressure on us to cancel her drama lessons because why should she do something she enjoyed when she hadn't done what she ought first. I could see the attraction of that argument.

Bur what we felt in the end was that having something in her life that mattered to her was her only chance of ever pulling herself out of that hole. So we decided that whatever else we needed to do we wouldn't take that away from her, however counterintuitive it might feel.

Personally I think I would flip the script totally at this point as the approach you are taking seems to be inflaming the situation and his responses are putting him at risk.
He is using any reason to have an argument - so don't offer him any!
I wouldn't have any rules at all, just suggestions. No phone time limit, no expectations of washing up etc.

This would be my suggestion too.

@SavannahMiasMum

If he’s out at 4am causing damage at 14 then the question is why Is he even out at such times ?

He's running away, have you not read the thread?

Why did you take his phone? Did you explain to him why and how long for?
Do you monitor his phone? He could be reacting because of things on his phone or because he has no other way of contacting friends. Steak to him ask him listen to him

My DS went through a vile phase aged 12-14. He's 15 now, so we aren't far out of it. Hindsight has taught me that in order to help my son change, I needed to change the way I dealt with him. DH too, obviously.

I can't force him to conform now he's older. I have to persuade him to. I have to give reasons why he should conform to our rules. I have to work very hard to make sure he properly understands my point of view (not just a superficial "yes Mum/Dad"). Then I have to hope he gets it in a rational way.

I also wouldn’t make him wash up. The dust needs to settle.

And if you get into constant confrontations about chores then you will lose touch on the important things. Pick your battles.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I also wouldn’t make him wash up. The dust needs to settle.

And if you get into constant confrontations about chores then you will lose touch on the important things. Pick your battles.

We don't get in constant confrontation about chores.

Every actually, he's usually really good!

But you are right, it was too soon, the dust hadn't settled at all!

Good on you for walking away rather than reacting to his silly refusal to do dishes. No point choosing this as a major battle
In time he will see that you are on his side. Can you leave it to his Dad to talk with him later today, you have been through enough.

OBitchPeas: "When I asked about SS involvement the police officer said that was very very far down the line."
..........
That is true nowadays. Back in the 1950s/1960s, kids were 'put away' in special schools for 'being in need of care and protection'. I have an older cousin who spent two years in one for running away.

I ran away several times and got into all sorts of trouble for it but the law was less harsh from the mid 1970s. Thank goodness!

Ask him why he's behaving like this and listen.

I asked him to wash up just now and he said he can't be arsed.
I shouted.

You need to press the reset button.

Stop yelling at him and sit him down and talk. Tell him you love him and explain he scares you to death by running away. Tell him he can keep his phone but you won't be treated like shit. I can't believe you took his phone away for 2 weeks, he's a teenager in lockdown, that's his lifeline.

Also Is it really imperative that his phone goes away at 10:30 at the weekend? I know my boys are up a lot later chatting to friends. It's the weekend, he can have a lay in in the mornings.

I agree with Rabblemum, less discipline more respect.

youre not teaching him anything right now, youre just killing your relationship with him. You are locking horns and in a power battle. This strategy will not work. There might not be anything that works, but he does need a safe place

@OBitchPeas

*I asked him to wash up just now and he said he can't be arsed.
I shouted.

Then stopped and walked away. I'm just too cross to be of any help whatsoever today.
*
I don't like this approach. He's angry (a cover up emotion) and you're asking him to do the washing up? Look at the bigger picture.

Leave him alone. Let him process everything. You calm down. No nagging him.

Once you've calmed down and reflected go and give him a hug and tell him you were scared when he ran away (because you were I could tell by your posts so be congruent). Apologise for taking his phone.

He probably thinks you don't care. He prob thinking "I've run away and all she cares about is the washing up" (I'm not saying this is true - it's just the way a teenager thinks sometimes).

I'm not into the old fashioned authoritative approach. It does more damage than anything else. I mean what does a kid learn from negative reinforcement. It's basic psychology that negative reinforcement doesn't work for good mental health.

Communication is the key. Treat him like an adult. That doesn't mean he doesn't have curfews but it should be a joint decision and discussing why he can't be out after a certain time.

There are books on teenagers. Personally I'd do some research on that. I know I will when I reach that point. The best parents critically appraise their approach to parenting all the time and then adjust it need be.

Teenage years are the hardest years, let's not forget this.

Check he isn’t being threatened by anybody. Also from personal experience that the amount of dope he is smoking isn’t having adverse effects..some people react extremely. Ask him about how it makes him feel. Sometimes it can bring on paranoia which can get confused with the usual teenage fluctuations in mood.

The thing is, the op's son didn't really run away, he just went out in a strop and came back. A fortnight or so ago he sneaked out for a prank and got into some trouble but that's past.

He resents being treated like a child, having his 'phone taken away at night, etc, because he doesn't feel like a child any more. He's at that in- between stage which is so difficult. At the moment everything is intensified because of lockdown.

Op says he is usually well behaved. This will blow over.

OP, not sure if anyone on the thread has mentioned Therapeutic Parenting? There are some really great books on it that include what to do if a child runs away with some techniques. It's something a lot of adoptive and foster parents use, but works with all children and can help problem behaviour as well as helping you feel you've got some techniques and are a bit more in control. Apologies if already mentioned, but I know several parents who've found it a helpful resource (inc me) so thought it might be a useful suggestion xxx

www.amazon.co.uk/Z-Therapeutic-Parenting-Strategies-Solutions/dp/1785923765?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It is very very difficult when teens make a mistake especially involving their phones, to give the phone back. I've been through this myself! My thinking was though, if the only thing stopping them doing the stupid thing is not having the phone, the second they get the phone back, they will just go back to the same people/same stupid things again. With an even worse sense of resentment. I returned the phone, but told my teen that I was very nervous about doing that, if I thought they were up to anything I would intervene (and get school/police involved) and that I wanted to trust them so please be trustworthy. They have to have friends/social contact and that's through their phones these days (no ringing home phones, is there? or meeting up to mooch around the shops).

It's very hard to trust again, but I also think you have to show them that you believe they are a great kid, that this was a silly mistake, that you trust them to take the right path, to keep talking and so on.

Punishments and grounding don't really achieve that, especially in lockdown, it just makes a breeding ground for resentment, which then erupts- which is what happened, he was out that door one day after having the punishment stop.

I think you have to push the responsibility for their lives back on them, and make them worry about getting a criminal record, make them worry about having dickish mates, make them worry about getting asked to leave home earlier as you aren't behaving ok. It's super hard and not all teens will rise well to that challenge, but setting up an oppositional defiance/punishment structure won't help it for sure.