Love my house but neighbours are watching us

[Isitevapornot]

Moved into my house two years ago, we’re renting, late twenties. Love our house, it’s perfect for us — if we could afford to we would buy it. The only problem is with one set of neighbours. We get on well with one side, but the other just watches us. If we are in the garden they will mutter under their breath and huff, so we don’t go in the garden anymore. If I’m putting the bins out they stand and stare at the window. Every time we return home from the shops, they watch us through the curtains and hide whenever we see them.

It makes me really uncomfortable and I’m not sure what to do about it - I’m worried speaking to them about it would make it worse!

Would you move?

YABU - No

YANBU - Yes

@slashlover

What race does it offend? I've googled and all I can find is that it's considered classist.

''Chav'' is classist, like ''Hoorays'' is.

A friend was recently,y describing how a Detective they knew got fatter with promotion, as ''Their days of chasing Scallies over garden walls like a human Grand National'' were over.

Not racist, but sums up an 'Archetype'.
Toff, Scally, Hooray, Chav,..One gets a visual image.

No, it's racist. I can assure you, but I know the poster is unaware as are the majority, doesn't make it less racist though.
It's the Romany Gypsy word we use for child/ children, derived from sanskrit used for over a thousand years.
Taken to mean something derogatory.

Is chavvy racist?

Thank you for educating us to stop using it.

If it is from the Romany language then I can now see how it would cause insult.

I wouldn't move, better the devil you know! Do your other neighbours have any light to shed on this?

Your problem is that you are allowing your timidity to get the better of you, just ignore them, or go out into your garden with earphones and a podcast so you can't hear them huffing.

@JayAlfredPrufrock

Is chavvy racist?

No. The etymology comes from an old Romany word meaning child, but it isn't used in a racist way (e.g. only to refer to Romany children), just a classist way.

Yep you need to face up to it even if you're anxious. Smile and wave every time you see them watching you through the curtains. Take a drink outside and chatter and just blatantly ignore their stares. They dont like having neighbours but couldn't afford to live somewhere without them. Not your problem.

Isn't Chav council house, alcoholic, violent.
Nothing to do with the travelling community.
Misses point of thread.

OMG, my ex lived in council housing, drank a heck of a lot and beat me up. He was so praaaahd of being working class. He was a CHAV!

Did not stop using your garden, it’s their problem not yours!

If you love the house then you need to grow in confidence and ignore them or like everyone else says be overly friends with your cheery waves and hi’s,

I thought chav was a replacement of the word used to describe someone who had no manners and was common?

Anyway, my neighbour used to stare at people through the window, especially if anyone dared to park outside her house, on the public highway, even though she has a double drive. Used to cause me real anxiety due to her entitlement, but I'm over it now and just smile and wave because she's a twit.

Bucking the trend, I'd say just move as you are renting. You won't change them

"If we are in the garden they will mutter under their breath and huff, so we don’t go in the garden anymore."

"They’ll mutter ‘for f*cks sake’ when we go out there."

OK, this is one you can easily deal with. GO OUT INTO THE GARDEN RELIGIOUSLY, EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT. By avoiding your garden, you have handed them the power to affect you. And once they feel they have power in one direction, they will feel encouraged to grab for it in others. To put it another way - you're encouraging them to be knobs to you. So stop that.

As for their muttering - three choices.

• ignore
• big cheery smile and a cheerful comment on the weather

• sympathetic face and 'Are you OK?'

I would not ignore, for the same reason that you should not avoid your garden. It encourages them to mutter all the louder. Better to defuse it with performing cheerfulness/sympathy.

"They’re intimidating in a way that I am quite quiet and anxious so it puts me on edge"
Were you quiet and anxious before moving there? If you were, then it's a separate issue for you to address. To me your description of their behaviour doesn't seem intimidating, but then I'm not anxious. I'm often quiet, but when I need to I can channel a favourite relative of mine; she had a quick wit and a keen eye, and feared nobody and nothing. I can pretend that I'm her as and when required. Do you think you could step outside yourself for a few moments to achieve that?

Are you craving the attention ?

Because if not, you wouldn’t ordinarily even notice them.

Your feeling intimidated is all in your head. Ignore them and it will go away.

They’ll mutter ‘for fcks sake’ when we go out there. Sorry, there’s not much to give apart from what I’ve explained. They’re intimidating in a way that I am quite quiet and anxious so it puts me on edge*

You need to deal with this now. Call them out on it. Otherwise you will move and end up being intimidated by the next lot of neighbours.

Deal with it and learn the confidence that comes with dealing with things like this.

What you describe is not them being intimidating, it's you being anxious.

Sure they're bored, weird and annoying. But your refusal to deal with it simply, by smiling, waving and ignoring, is on you, not them.

Address your personal issues. Get some therapy.

Don't move. You can't move away from your own anxiousness and you'll just find something else to oppress yourself with at the new place.

No way would I move.

I would do a massive exaggerated wave when I caught them staring and I absolutely would not keep out my garden but say "Can you hear something DP?" When they're whingeing. My neighbours used to sigh and slam the door whenever me and the kids went in the garden, obviously my kids are loud because they're kids (when they had their own noisy kids they came back out into the garden). It's tough shit if they're not happy about us being there

Look OP speak to your landlord who probably knows them or their landlord. I'm a landlord and if I had a lovely couple who paid on time, kept the house nice and were long term tenants that's like gold dust and I'd do everything to keep them including telling the neighbours to keep their beaks out.

They’re intimidating in a way that I am quite quiet and anxious so it puts me on edge
I guarantee they know this and are only doing it because they know they’re intimidating you. Stand up to them. I’d you don’t want to be fully confrontational at first, start by being passive aggressive. When you notice them staring at you when you put the bins out, big fake cheesy smile a big wave a “hiya bob” as loud as possible. When they tut and “fucks sake” in the garden pop your head up and say “were you talking to me Bob?” Or “you ok over there Bob you sound a bit flustered” .. they’re twats and it’s not going to get better by you being a wet lettuce about it. Stand up to them!

Neighbouts like this wherever you move too. Too much time on their hands. I once had a neighbour who prevented all 7 of us in other houses from using our back gardens. If you can, I would suggest some screening, tree etc, laurel grows fast.
Where I live now, I had to put a tree, in position, so I am not watched all the time.
It is intimidating, but you have to be creative to get privacy

Pretend you’re Hyacinth Bucket and go out there and sing.
Loudly!

It doesn't sound that bad unless there is more you aren't communicating. There are always going to be less than perfect neighbours. I live in a terrace and pre -covid, one side (the halls adjoining side so less noisy thankfully) love their parties and socialising and it's non stopping coming and going, their young adult children all have partners coming and going as well. On the other side two sisters and their dogs and gats go in and out and in and out with the back door SLAMMED HARD SHAKING MY HOUSE TOO each time.

If I was happy with the area and liked the house then I definitely would not move.
You have just as much right to live in that house as they have to live in theirs.

I think I would probably ignore them. Maybe give the odd wave as I put my bins out to show, yes I can see you both and no I'm not intimidated.

Hello folks. We're just dropping in to say that, while there is some disagreement over the origins of 'chav', it's still pretty offensive to lots of people for various reasons. We're getting some reports in about this - so we're asking that you please consider this when posting.