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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think enough is enough

189 replies

Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 12:59

2.5 years ago my OH stopped working to temporarily focus on building an upstairs extension on our house and fit a new kitchen downstairs. In that time I have paid all bills etc as was agreed at the start and I was happy to do this so we could make the changes to our house quicker. In this time I have been redundant then had to leave a new job as working from home with Young children just wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t meet the requirements of the job. Fast forward to now we have a shell of an upstairs extension and the kitchen area is gutted (basically back to bricks and a shell not a useable space) we have a temporary kitchen set up in garage.

AIBU in feeling like I have had enough of living in a building site while being financially responsible for 5 people. I agreed to him taking time off work to do the work but was thinking a year tops not 2.5 with no end in sight. I am very resentful and I don’t know how I can return to not feeling that way. I dare not question him as I get met with a torrent of how I shouldn’t question him and any suggestion of getting someone in to help basically gets met with the same. I feel it’s just to put me off asking him again but I can’t continue like this forever financially or mentally and I want my kids to have a home not half a home they can’t use.

Would anyone else be happy with set up, I am shot down for suggesting I am unhappy about it

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 30/01/2021 13:03

I don't think many people would be happy with this set up. It's bonkers. Why has it taken so long? Does he actually have the skills to finish the work?

MsJaneAusten · 30/01/2021 13:05

YANBU. Have you tried a proper sit down conversation about it? Why does he say it’s not finished? How long does he expect it to take?

InTheDrunkTank · 30/01/2021 13:05

Of course YANBU. That's insane. Surely it would have been much more economical to hire professionals to do building work in a reasonable time frame while DH works and earns money. What on earth has be doing for almost 3 years?

Theunamedcat · 30/01/2021 13:05

Tell him he needs to go back to work and you are getting tradesmen in

I'm assuming the house is jointly owned? You have as much say in it as he does in that case

DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/01/2021 13:07

Show him the numbers. They are harder to argue with.

What could he earn in a job versus what it will cost to fix. And include the timescales in there.

YANBU

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:12

I have tried talking rationally, screaming irrationally begging pleading logical arguments about how it is impacting my mental state and how that impacts my ability to parent, impact on family time. I have paid for help to come in sometimes he has been happy with this but I can’t afford to for long periods. I feel like he thinks I am a bottomless money pit. I am getting very bitter to the point I don’t think our relationship will survive. Not because of the building but his attitude about it and me asking about it. I think he does have skills to finish it but blames everything and anyone (mostly the kids) for stopping him doing it (they don’t at all they might bother him at times but mostly they can’t get to him. There have been a couple of delays which did set it back one with drains but maybe 2-3 weeks tops I’d say. When other people are here working he will work at twice the pace and things move quicker. When no one is here it’s very slow progress.

Thanks for your replies I have almost got to the point of thinking maybe I am expecting too much after he keeps telling me I am

OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 30/01/2021 13:12

YANBU, surely 6-9 months at most would have been needed. Also If he isn’t working why did you give up work to homeschool? He was already home. Do you have no income at all?

Funnyface1 · 30/01/2021 13:12

If he's behaving like a child then his opinion on adult decisions shouldn't carry much weight. Get him told this ridiculous situation cannot continue. It sounds like a nightmare.

MsJaneAusten · 30/01/2021 13:14

You’re not asking too much. Sit him down, tell him he has three months to finish it or you are getting professionals in and/or filing for divorce.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2021 13:14

YANBU at all.

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:16

Indecisive12 - I didn’t give up work to homeschool I left my role as I couldn’t complete the work required with my children in the house (2,4 and 6). Work involves me being on phone most of the day. He won’t watch the kids as he can’t build the house 😂😂😂 for real. At times he did ‘watch Them’ but made little effort to occupy them so I could do any work and I couldn’t cope with the constant are you finished yet, have you got much left to do, I can’t build house if I am looking after kids (I feel this could be a whole other thread but I am trying to fix one thing at a time) xx

OP posts:
CrotchBurn · 30/01/2021 13:19

The building work isnt the real issue.

The real issue is he has essentially barred you from ever discussing something that is weighing on you emotionally and financially.

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:19

I have said to him he has until June 1st and if it’s not significantly further along then house is going up for sale. This was in December so it was 6 months. In all honestly not a lot has happened since then. Ive tried the numbers it doesn’t work nothing works. I feel very ill about everything

OP posts:
Pinkywoo · 30/01/2021 13:20

What the hell has he been doing for two and a half years?! That's a ridiculous amount of time for an upstairs extension, it's not like he had to dig out foundations by hand. I don't blame you for being fed up of it, I'd be going crazy by now. What is his excuse for either not going back to work to pay for tradesmen or having finished the house?

madroid · 30/01/2021 13:22

He's obviously found out (and you have) that he's not a self-motivated worker!

Time to stop. Get back to work and get some tradespeople in to take over.

I'd be reviewing a relationship where you can't discuss the elephant in the room without being silenced. That's not fair or even particularly sane in the circumstances.

madroid · 30/01/2021 13:23

@Teaandbiscuits82 I feel very ill about everything

Are you thinking it will need to come to an ultimatum?

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:24

Pinkywoo actually he did have to do foundations as they weren’t enough to build upstairs extension on (over garage) but that prob took 2 weeks. A long time ago. He won’t have anyone he doesn’t know do anything in the house and won’t have anyone in the house doing anything he can do or if he is not here.

I feel very stuck and can’t see a way forward

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 30/01/2021 13:25

What a total piss taker. You have done well to last that long ! I would have been losing my mind at 6 months

Taikoo · 30/01/2021 13:25

Is he mentally ill or something?
Or deliberately trying to push you all into poverty?

Ah, who cares what's wrong with him..... I would just divorce the lazy fucker anyway.

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:25

@madroid yes very much so but more because of his attitude and I very much feel like a mug. If it were to get to that though I very much doubt house could be sold as is

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 30/01/2021 13:26

All in seeing here is a list of things he won’t do for his family

  • won’t do the work on the house
  • won’t work
  • won’t look after the kids so you can work
  • won’t listen to his struggling wife
Won’t won’t won’t. What the fuck use is he as a husband or a father? What will he do??
bananaboats · 30/01/2021 13:26

You are def not BU, tbh I would prob have moved out by now!

Theunamedcat · 30/01/2021 13:26

File for divorce he cant even say he is taking care of the children he has done literally nothing

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:27

@Taikoo 😂😂😂

I literally cannot believe I have put up with it so long I am angry at myself for allowing it to happen and to happen to my kids

OP posts:
N4ish · 30/01/2021 13:28

Sounds like a really awful situation for you, completely unsustainable. I think you’re focusing too much on getting him to finish the building work, there are much bigger problems to deal with. The fact that he seems completely unmoved by the distress this is causing you would worry me a lot.