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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think enough is enough

189 replies

Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 12:59

2.5 years ago my OH stopped working to temporarily focus on building an upstairs extension on our house and fit a new kitchen downstairs. In that time I have paid all bills etc as was agreed at the start and I was happy to do this so we could make the changes to our house quicker. In this time I have been redundant then had to leave a new job as working from home with Young children just wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t meet the requirements of the job. Fast forward to now we have a shell of an upstairs extension and the kitchen area is gutted (basically back to bricks and a shell not a useable space) we have a temporary kitchen set up in garage.

AIBU in feeling like I have had enough of living in a building site while being financially responsible for 5 people. I agreed to him taking time off work to do the work but was thinking a year tops not 2.5 with no end in sight. I am very resentful and I don’t know how I can return to not feeling that way. I dare not question him as I get met with a torrent of how I shouldn’t question him and any suggestion of getting someone in to help basically gets met with the same. I feel it’s just to put me off asking him again but I can’t continue like this forever financially or mentally and I want my kids to have a home not half a home they can’t use.

Would anyone else be happy with set up, I am shot down for suggesting I am unhappy about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:29

I am so glad to see it’s a profound IANBU I don’t like to talk to people in real life about it as it’s embarrassing I dodge any questions about it 😂 actually feel a minor weight lifted so thank u

OP posts:
B33Fr33 · 30/01/2021 13:30

It took my Dad 6 months off work to extend our kitchen and reconfigure our upstairs to make an extra bathroom. He hired the plasterer and electrician but worked alongside them to make it cheaper.

GoodbyeH · 30/01/2021 13:31

2.5 years...! That's a long time OP. Should have taken a no longer than 9-12 months working full time. If he put in the hours 9-5, 5/6 days a week it could have been finished. What has he been doing? I don't get it. After a few weeks of no progress I would have had enough let alone over 2 years! You have the patience of a Saint.

Sometimes I find it hard to give advice as I just can't imagine it happening in my life. But honestly OP this is bonkers. You can't be expected to carry on like this. You work hard, he dosent. Tell him enough is enough. He finishes the work and also works at getting your trust back and works on the resentment he's caused. Or he has to go. He's acted very selfishly and you are not expected to put up with it.

B33Fr33 · 30/01/2021 13:31

I mean you can't compare accurately but obviously motivation to get jobs done needs to come from somewhere. He used Christmas as a big target.

WonderingFree · 30/01/2021 13:32

Can u chuck him out, get a loan to finish the work, sell and start afresh. This situation is not going to change unless you do something. At the moment, the ball is in your OHs court and that’s leaving you powerless. You need to get that ball and decide what’s best for you and your kids future. I’m sorry to be so harsh but this sounds very bad for you and your kids.

LightDrizzle · 30/01/2021 13:32

This is madness! He’s taking the piss and I’m angry for you.

GoodbyeH · 30/01/2021 13:36

OP, you have very right to take charge. Its your house and money too.
What do you want OP? If you could have any outcome what would it be? We can help you get there. No judgement. If you want him to stay etc then we can help advise you if you want him gone we can help with that.
God it must be like talking to a brick wall!

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 13:40

I think I am just so run down by it all and having three kiddos at home that I can’t see the wood for the trees (is that even a saying) one response I get is that he is “trying his best” and is “really motivated NOW” i try to focus him by discussing what it happening today way as I dare not confront him about it. I feel like he is on a long extended holiday Working at his own non urgent pace oblivious to the awful situation around him.

I just want to make a home I don’t want anything fancy just walls and the rooms back we can’t get to as building site x

OP posts:
2021namechanger · 30/01/2021 13:42

This is awful! Let’s say he usually earns £30k a year - the labour for your extension has now costs you £70,000 - plus costs, and of course your mental well-being.

GoodbyeH · 30/01/2021 13:47

I think all you have left is giving him an ultimatum.
He finishes the job by April or he leaves and you take out a laon and get builders in. Then he helps pay back the money.
I don't see any other way around this. You've spoken to him so many times. He's not listening. What more can you do?

Honeyroar · 30/01/2021 13:52

I feel your pain. We’ve been finishing our house for ten years. We bought the cottage next door and knocked through. We have three rooms that are bombsites and need so much doing (plastering etc). I’ve just had some redundancy and said I was going to spend some of it on doing one room up. He was “no no I’ll get going on it again”. I said you’ve had a bloody decade. To be fair in my husband’s case we have a smallholding and there are always jobs outside that need doing, so that takes up his time (and he does work).

NerdyBird · 30/01/2021 13:56

People have built houses in less time than he's had. Even if he did finish the work in a reasonable timescale, do you think your relationship can recover?
I'd be tempted to get someone in to finish it then divorce him. Hopefully you'd at least get some costs back in a decent sale price.

mrsbyers · 30/01/2021 14:07

Sounds like he is out of his depth - get someone in to finish it and tell him to get off his arse and get a job or get out

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 14:08

@GoodbyeH thank you.

I feel very trapped and don’t know how to move anything forward. He wouldn’t go without a fight I know that. I think he would make it very difficult possibly undo some of the stuff he has done as this is what he can be like. I think it would need to be me going with kids or convincing him to sell up and go separate ways I have already resigned that I would lose a lot of money that way and have no financial support form him. I’d be able to survive on my wage if I can get back to work.

It’s not about the money though more about being happy and living life without being oppressed by half finished everything and a bad attitude.

There are just so many things I know aren’t right and I don’t think our relationship will come back. I’m not sure I can get past this resentment I am currently feeling about a lot of things. It’s like he wants me to pay for everything, but not work so he doesn’t look after kids and never question anything he is doing

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/01/2021 14:13

OP,
Sounds like you are in an abusive relationship.

He is living off you.

He shouts you down when you try and discuss this.

Ring Women's Aid for support.

What an absolute waster.
Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/01/2021 14:20

He wants to potter and tinker while you work and do all the childcare in a building site. He won't change, you need to plan for divorce.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 30/01/2021 14:27

What income is there for the household now? What are you living on?

This sounds really awful, OP. Is he deliberately dragging it out to prevent returning to work?

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 14:35

I have some redundancy money left not a huge amount and am having a clear out of baby things for eBaying and (drumroll) he is going to sell various assets to finish building / put some money in to family pot. Assets consist of multiple cars and no longer required bits and bobs. As you can probably imagine I have been fed this line for a Looong time so I am not sure it is going to happen. Things have come to a head really as I have decided I shall no longer be handing over any money until said assets are sold. If nothing is forthcoming from him I prob have enough to keep me going for 4 -5 months ( Very carefully budgeted for ) I am currently looking for an office based role in the hope school will resume when I have one sorted out and I have told myself I need to be firmer with him about looking after kids and getting them ready for school so I can work

OP posts:
Indecisive12 · 30/01/2021 14:38

@Teaandbiscuits82

Indecisive12 - I didn’t give up work to homeschool I left my role as I couldn’t complete the work required with my children in the house (2,4 and 6). Work involves me being on phone most of the day. He won’t watch the kids as he can’t build the house 😂😂😂 for real. At times he did ‘watch Them’ but made little effort to occupy them so I could do any work and I couldn’t cope with the constant are you finished yet, have you got much left to do, I can’t build house if I am looking after kids (I feel this could be a whole other thread but I am trying to fix one thing at a time) xx
So you’re effectively a single parent anyway with a partner who is sponging off you, forcing you to leave your job because of him being incapable of anything and he’s left you with a home that doesn’t sound like it’s in a good position for a sale. What income do you have coming in since you left your job?
Indecisive12 · 30/01/2021 14:39

What is his usual job by the way?

evouk · 30/01/2021 14:40

Is your DH skilled to do the job? Sounds like he's drastically underestimated the timescale

If it would take a team of builders six months for example then I'm not at all surprised he's taken 2.5 years so far

2020iscancelled · 30/01/2021 14:50

What do you mean you’re not allowed to mention it?

You’re not allowed to mention the fact that you are financially supporting the whole family singlehandedly whilst home schooling the kids, with no working kitchen during a lockdown?

You’re not ALLOWED to mention it even though it’s affecting all of you.

Nope. Goodbye. He would be out.

He is mugging you off so badly I can’t even get the words out. Who the fuck is this man???

Get rid

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 30/01/2021 14:58

For comparison, OP, two friends of mine took 8 years to:
Build and decorate a conservatory
Fit out a workshop
Repair the roof
Take out a chimney breast
Stud out a landing to make an extra room
Fit out a bathroom
Build a two-storey extension, one room up, two rooms down
Rip out and refit a kitchen
Fit out a utility room
Redecorate the whole place

No DC, but both working full-time.

They laid a patio and built some flower beds in their spare time.

PumpkinPie2016 · 30/01/2021 15:09

YANBU. Two and a half years, the job should be done especially as he hasn't been working. If he had, then obviously, one could expect it to take longer/have delays.

He seems to be adopting the ostrich approach at the moment.

I don't blame you for being fed up.

I think he either goes back to work and pays tradesmen to come in and finish the job or you need to make plans to move out.

You're looking for a job -take anything for now so that you have income. If you were alone with your children, would you be entitled to universal credit or other benefits for a while until you find a job?

The situation can't go on as it is and I would be looking to move out in your shoes.

Plussizejumpsuit · 30/01/2021 15:21

His behaviour just doesn't feel normal. Is he avoiding going back to work by dragging the work out? Does he normally struggle to motivate himself or with organising his time?

I know on here everyone always suggests mental health or neuro issues. But as it seems his behaviour is effecting you so badly and he hasn't changed. I'm wondering if it's something more than just chosen behaviour? Something he can't help? If not I totally understand why you are thinking it could be the end of relationship. Because if he's choosing to behave like this he's taking you for a mug.