Aibu to think enough is enough

[Teaandbiscuits82]

2.5 years ago my OH stopped working to temporarily focus on building an upstairs extension on our house and fit a new kitchen downstairs. In that time I have paid all bills etc as was agreed at the start and I was happy to do this so we could make the changes to our house quicker. In this time I have been redundant then had to leave a new job as working from home with Young children just wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t meet the requirements of the job. Fast forward to now we have a shell of an upstairs extension and the kitchen area is gutted (basically back to bricks and a shell not a useable space) we have a temporary kitchen set up in garage.

AIBU in feeling like I have had enough of living in a building site while being financially responsible for 5 people. I agreed to him taking time off work to do the work but was thinking a year tops not 2.5 with no end in sight. I am very resentful and I don’t know how I can return to not feeling that way. I dare not question him as I get met with a torrent of how I shouldn’t question him and any suggestion of getting someone in to help basically gets met with the same. I feel it’s just to put me off asking him again but I can’t continue like this forever financially or mentally and I want my kids to have a home not half a home they can’t use.

Would anyone else be happy with set up, I am shot down for suggesting I am unhappy about it

Yes he doesn't really want to change/work hard does he. Has a massive ego and thinks he can sweet talk you like his regular clients.

Him asking if things were ok = do I really have to work my arse off instead of bumming around the next month.

If this month goes ok and progress made then suggest you turn it into a 3 month trial and so on until he gets a job and/or you decide to end things.

You will know that you have him the chance to salvage things and that is important to you when ending the relationship.

Do you have family that could help you buy him out at a current low valuation?

What an absolute waster.

You poor woman.

OP, did you feel forced to accept 50/50 for the house by him?
You were pregnant and vulnerable.
It sounds like he forced you.
I think you should mention that to any solicitor.

He forced you to agree to something that was clearly against your best interests.

What an absolute work shy lazy waster.

You deserve so much better.

You have had the patience of a bloody saint, I’m glad you’ve got angry enough to stand up for yourself OP.

Echoing what others have said, but don’t give yourself such a hard time either! It is easy to get caught up in things and believe the promises, before you know it weeks have turned to years
Are you married?
Also consider asking MNHQ to move this to Relationships, you’ll get fab advice there x

@billy1966 i did very much feel like a didn’t have much choice as he said he wouldn’t move anywhere unless it was 50/50 as it wouldn’t feel like ‘his’ so would be no point moving. At this point I had already sold my house. Also he refused to look at any More houses after this once as he wanted to move here and convinced me he would do all the things to it to make it into what I wanted. He came to view one other house which I was really keen on as it didn’t need to much doing to it and was around the corner from my mum. He still makes a point now 6 years on how glad he is we didn’t move there every time we go past which is fairly often!.

I’m not having the best day I thought me and the kids would spend the day at home after having a busy week so far but it’s just so hard I feel I am constantly on edge and it’s 99% to do with having to walk through a building site to get in and out of the garden. It’s basically turning me into a nagging shouting mum that I never wanted to be and I’m getting more angry about the whole things every day.

You poor thing.
I can only imagine how difficult this must be.

I really think that you need to stress how pressured you felt whilst pregnant to put the house on a 50/50 basis.

You aren't married, clearly against your own best interests.

He has forced you to work and pay for everything whilst you live in a building site and he sits on his arse and does nothing.

You sound very vulnerable and out upon by him.
You clearly are afraid of raising issues as he gets angry.

He is not a good man.

I think you should call Women's Aid for some advice.

[quote Teaandbiscuits82]@billy1966 i did very much feel like a didn’t have much choice as he said he wouldn’t move anywhere unless it was 50/50 as it wouldn’t feel like ‘his’ so would be no point moving. At this point I had already sold my house. Also he refused to look at any More houses after this once as he wanted to move here and convinced me he would do all the things to it to make it into what I wanted. He came to view one other house which I was really keen on as it didn’t need to much doing to it and was around the corner from my mum. He still makes a point now 6 years on how glad he is we didn’t move there every time we go past which is fairly often!.

I’m not having the best day I thought me and the kids would spend the day at home after having a busy week so far but it’s just so hard I feel I am constantly on edge and it’s 99% to do with having to walk through a building site to get in and out of the garden. It’s basically turning me into a nagging shouting mum that I never wanted to be and I’m getting more angry about the whole things every day.[/quote]
So pretty much everything in your situation has come about because of his wants/demands.

He sounds like a total sponge and freeloader. And if you're feeling angry today that's OK. You don't have to stick with your 'giving him a month' if it's too much and you want to change your mind. If you don't mind answering, why did you decide to give him yet another chance? Originally you said June was your cut off, now it's going to be towards the end of August.

@feedingthebirds1 I was thinking I would rather see him try and sort himself out for a month and try and progress things rather than carry on the same? The reality is I am totally stuck as I gave up my job because he would not watch them while they were homeschooling despite my pleading and getting him to agree before hand that he would. When he was watching them I would get constant - are you finished yet, have you got much more to do, well I need time to do this and that it just became impossible and I couldn’t deliver what was expected. Without a job I can’t get a rental agreement or do anything with the mortgage. I don’t have anywhere I could go so I am stuck here until I can sort a job out really. He wouldn’t leave he is just not like that. ‘Nobody tells him what to do”

I am away for one of the weeks with my mum and children. I have been looking for other holiday options for a week but there is just zilch available x

Oh OP he's done a real number on you, hasn't he? It's perfectly clear why he wouldn't consider the house that needed nothing doing to it and would only go for the one that needed a lot of work. He saw you coming and knew exactly how he was going to play it.

He's obviously not contributing to the mortgage, you're paying for the house and paid the whole of the deposit. See a solicitor to find out what rights you have. And he won't lift a finger with the DCs, he puts all that on you too while he lives the life of Riley. Why do I suspect you do all the cleaning, washing and cooking too?

He's worn you down to the point where you can't see a way out. And I bet he's only pulling out the stops when he knows you mean it about splitting up, as that would mean his gravy train was going to come to a halt. he'll do a bit - enough, he hopes, to get you off his back - and then you'll be back to where you are now.

Nobody tells him what to do, he insists on having a 50% share in the house and you let him (I know you were vulnerable at the time), he's now doing nothing for the family. Please explore every avenue for getting rid, even if it seems like every avenue is a dead end.

OP,

You are very controlled by him.

Call women's aid and talk things through.

He won't allow you to work, he prevents you from doing so.

He has you living in a building site that must be very tricky with young children.

You need supoort.

Will your family help?

He ignores your deadlines and ultimatums because he knows they are meaningless. You will be in the same position in 6 months. You have not done anything about this situation for 3 years. Learn to live with it, as you obviously will not force an improvement in the situation.

Did he ever get anything finished @Teaandbiscuits82

Jeez, my BIL turned a tiny dormer bungalow into a massive 5-bed house with granny annexe, 5 bath/shower rooms and a huge kitchen, plus landscaped and fenced all the gardens in less time than that, while running projects for customers at the same time.

Your DH is taking the piss, OP. Imo it's ultimatum time.

This would drive me mad,plus your Husbands attitude, as everything is impacting badly, on your daily lives in the house

I was just had visions of Nick Knowles and his team,on big build programme, whole houses done up in seven days ! Better not watch it !