Aibu to think enough is enough

[Teaandbiscuits82]

2.5 years ago my OH stopped working to temporarily focus on building an upstairs extension on our house and fit a new kitchen downstairs. In that time I have paid all bills etc as was agreed at the start and I was happy to do this so we could make the changes to our house quicker. In this time I have been redundant then had to leave a new job as working from home with Young children just wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t meet the requirements of the job. Fast forward to now we have a shell of an upstairs extension and the kitchen area is gutted (basically back to bricks and a shell not a useable space) we have a temporary kitchen set up in garage.

AIBU in feeling like I have had enough of living in a building site while being financially responsible for 5 people. I agreed to him taking time off work to do the work but was thinking a year tops not 2.5 with no end in sight. I am very resentful and I don’t know how I can return to not feeling that way. I dare not question him as I get met with a torrent of how I shouldn’t question him and any suggestion of getting someone in to help basically gets met with the same. I feel it’s just to put me off asking him again but I can’t continue like this forever financially or mentally and I want my kids to have a home not half a home they can’t use.

Would anyone else be happy with set up, I am shot down for suggesting I am unhappy about it

See a solicitor. You might be able to salvage some of that £80000 deposit, at the very least half of it.

Are you joint tenants or tenants in common?

This is an astoundingly cruel man.

I think the part where I became truly staggered was when he refused to look after his children so you could work, forcing you to leave your job. And now he's done it again, just last month.

He sounds selfish to the core and spoiled. Not just as in overindulged, but as in overindulged to the point of no longer being fit for purpose.

Be safe, OP, in case he does get vindictive (as you put it).

Get him telt !

He sounds like an absolute arsehole. I thought my sister’s husband was taking the piss when it took him nearly a year to build a conservatory but he was working 50 hours a week and doing it in his spare time. Why the hell are you giving him money to laze about all day and then go on a fishing holiday.

Are the children at your parent's house tonight or his? Could you speak to your parents if they're there and see if they could keep them for a couple of days so if he does show a vindictive side, they're not around? Are your parents aware of what you're planning? Could your Dad/brother/male family friend be there for support?

I'd also phone and see if you can speak to someone legal before talking to him. If you are finally set on saying enough is enough - and quite frankly, no-one could blame you, then you need to have your ducks in a row which would be easier for you if you didn't have to worry about your children's safety too.

Wishing you good luck and strength, it's a tough battle but from experience, you come out stronger the other side!

Please say you had a deed of trust on the £80K.

Just reading your posts leaves me feeling sick and claustrophobic. Please, please don't give him any more chances. He's decided he's going on holiday the same time as you, when he should be doing the work on the house he claims he can't get done with the kids around? What a completely lazy fucking lump of shit.

I think he knows that the minute the house is complete, he has no excuses to not go out and get a proper job and properly contribute, that's why he's eeking it out. He's nothing but a cocklodger. He cares nothing for your mental and physical wellbeing, your career or the quality of life of his family. He cares only for himself and his own ego/image/comfort. He wants to use your kids as collateral to stop you breaking up with him, but wants nothing to do with them in the day to day. There is no good in him. Thank god you are not married.

Don't leave on holiday without gathering up all the important paperwork, passports, all of that and putting it somewhere safe where he can't get to it. Make sure he can't drain any joint accounts, move any money you need to pay bills to a safe place. Protect yourself and your children. You owe him nothing.

Oh mate, he’s awful! I don’t get how he could be so cruel. Hope you manage to escape him and your millstone of a house.

He could have built an entire house now op! He’s living life like a retired man, pottering around the house doing the odd job if he feels like it, except he’s got 3 young kids and a wife supporting the lot of them! I’d be tempted to write down the work he should have completed and send it to a few construction companies asking for quotes and a timescale, would be interesting to see what other builders think should be an appropriate time to get this completed.

Don't leave on holiday without gathering up all the important paperwork, passports, all of that and putting it somewhere safe where he can't get to it. Make sure he can't drain any joint accounts, move any money you need to pay bills to a safe place. Protect yourself and your children. You owe him nothing.

Please do this before your talk with him, and good luck xx

The fact you gave up work to homeschool the kid should have been the breaking point.

Wft possessed you to tolerate it beyond that point?

You are a mug and he is a cocklocker.

Bloody hell OP I'm amazed you've lasted this long as he is absolutely taking the piss.

My DH is currently off work to do some renovations (although he's on annual leave) and he's up at the crack of dawn and works all day, every day, until teatime. He doesn't spend most of the day fannying around doing fuck all.

PS: the "as you put it" wasn't meant to sound defensive!--it was saying that you had recognized this in him, and you should make sure to protect yourself (physically, emotionally, financially) for what will come next.

@Teaandbiscuits82

Thank you so much for commenting it really does help to read that it is a ridiculous situation. I genuinely believe he is literally the only person in the world who cannot see it. As for what he does all day...... a typical day would be getting up 730/8. He insists on doing the morning school run (note no contribution to getting children ready for school or any input into anything school related) I think he does it so can say I take my kids to school. Comes back breakfast coffee disappears upstairs for a bit maybe stays doing something about 10/1030 then 11 decides he needs something material wise so disappears for a bit. Comes back tells me he’s seen x y z so obviously stops for a chat. Phone rings chats for a bit. Does a favour for someone eg fix their car. Chats to neighbours does some work when kids come home from school. Stresses at kids for disturbing him trying to work. Eats dinner goes back outside gets annoyed i ask him to come in to help with bedtimes (7pm) goes in shower and doesn’t help with bedtimes (which is a challenge with 3 sometimes). Takes eldest up to bed. Sits down as tired 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I know it’s ridiculous. He will spend all day washing a car. I don’t get it. But If I question it I get shot down and it’s everyone else’s fault but his that things aren’t done. Oh and it’s been a pandemic is his other favourite line.

I also booked a weeks holiday with kids and my
Parents so we were out of the way and I suggested during that week he So some of the messy stuff like knocking through upstairs. He told me he was going to go to wales fishing with his brother as I wouldn’t cope if he went when I was here. Which is not true in the slightest!!! There are so many things I could say. But I am so glad I am going to take control now after giving a final final final final chance. I can’t go on like this forever feeling so isolated.

Thank you again for your comments I really do appreciate it.

I think he still might be able to redeem himself, OP, if he and you both want that. But this highlights another issue...he seems to want to avoid family life or even being at home. School run isn't hard if you don't have set hours for working, and especially if you don't actually get the kids ready or have any involvement in their schooling.

It would wear me down. I think he COULD change but after three years, will he?

Was this a setup to avoid life for a while, or is he genuinely struggling?

Don't cook.

At most, heat the odd tin of beans.

Tell him that the kitchen is not fit for purpose, is unhygienic and unsafe (it can't be hygienic or safe if it is as bad as you describe).

Tell him you can't afford takeaways, especially now, s the kids will get their main meal at school (when term starts - they'll have to eat stuff on toast and stuff with pasta until then - won't kill them) and that you will muddle something for yourself - he can get his own dinners, but can't get takeaways as they are too expensive and you can't afford it.

Give it 6 months.

Then LTB.

Glad you are making plans to leave.

It's shocking really, but you can see you've been taken for a ride. He doesn't want to work, and certainly doesn't want to work on his own house - does he even have the skill?

He does sound like he will turn very nasty, though. "You're not taking the kids" (the ones he won't look after or engage with, or house properly.) I hope you have a good system in place with relatives to get somewhere safe.

Men like this can't be reasoned with. You can't 'ask' or 'have a conversation', they scream 'shut the fuck up you ungrateful bitch' in your face the moment you raise a concern. You can't 'reason' or 'bargain'. They're just plain dangerous to be around.

I hope he's happy with his miserable shell of an empty home.

You know something, I've reread OP's posts again and actually I'm not sure this is potentially fixable after all.

So sorry you're dealing with this. I lived with someone exactly like this. I lived in a building site for 4 years and nothing changed except to demolish more usable space. Nothing changed. We didn't have kids and I left and still to this day, 20 years later, it's a building site .

The big problem is that you can't talk about it with him, and find a solution, as he won't take responsibility. There's not much you can do to change him. Good luck.

@Eddielzzard

So sorry you're dealing with this. I lived with someone exactly like this. I lived in a building site for 4 years and nothing changed except to demolish more usable space. Nothing changed. We didn't have kids and I left and still to this day, 20 years later, it's a building site .

The big problem is that you can't talk about it with him, and find a solution, as he won't take responsibility. There's not much you can do to change him. Good luck.

I grew up in one. Dad was a builder, so had no time to work on our house and refused to allow anyone else to. Never allowed friends round. So, so ashamed. So terrified the kids from school would follow me home and see how we lived. Neighbours used to chuck rubbish over their fences and flytip on our horrendous 'garden'.

My mum never really recovered. She never left him, but the sadness and regret consumed her. She has a single decorated room in the house now and just stays in there, watching TV.

It really has worn me down to the point if I no longer recognise myself 😬 I cannot live like this forever.

I am not sure if we are joint tenants I know it went down as we were both equal owners (yes stupid of me I know my sister gave me a rollicking when I told her) remembering back he refused to entertain the idea of moving (from my first house he moved into) unless it was 50/50. He also refused to look at most houses i suggested it was only this one really that he would view and he convinced me to move here on the basis that he would do x y z. I know I am very stupid. I was worried if we didn’t move soon we wouldn’t be able to as I would Have been on Maternity leave and being the main applicant as the higher earner I thought this might have stopped us from being able to move. For various reasons ( that could probably fill another thread) I really just wanted a stable family home for the children as it’s something I never really had. I think maybe he has cottoned on top a bit of vulnerability in me due to things I have told him about my early years and taken me for a bit of a ride (that I have been stupid enough to go along with).

He was actually working on a job today he left home and 10 and was back home at 3:30 when I dropped kids to my parents. Need to put my big girl pants on and sort it out.

Can anyone advise what documents I should be gathering, I’m not sure what he would do with passports. Luckily he never got round to booking the appointment for sorting out a joint account. Everything goes out of my account apart form council tax. I have took same cash that was in the kitchen that he said I could use to go food shopping. A life changing £80.

I’d quite happily walk out the house and leave all my stuff behind if I had somewhere to go.

Need to sort my work situation out before I can rent anywhere or get mortgage.

@Eddielzzard wow 20 years 😬

@LuxOlente 😬 Your poor mum. This i feel is where we are heading the lack of play dates it’s very isolating and not good for the children I’m so sorry this was your situation too. 💚

Just coming onto the thread so I can see your updates later.

Good luck xx

This is such a crap situation and YANBU at all.

My DH is similar, he wanted to buy a house to renovate. We got about 70% done, enough to move in, and then all work stopped.

I have wires hanging out of the walls, a sitting room full of tools and wood and other such things, boxes I can't unpack from our old house and all my lovely decorative things sitting upstairs in the spare room, getting dusty and broken because I can't put them out because nothing's finished. I know it's not as bad as not having a kitchen, but I do really feel for you. It's awful to live this way, on a building site. I don't want anything fancy either, just for my house to feel like a home. It's one reason in a few why I am considering if this relationship is still working for me.

Your home is likely to be unsellable, OP, or seriously below market value as a result of his "work".

Which leaves you in a very vulnerable position.

I think you have a plan now OP and wish you well. You’ve also now seen how he has played you to get what he wants, something only he is to blame for. These type of people like to make others stressed out by making sure the living situation and relationship is dysfunctional and in disarray. While you are stressed out they can continue to mess with you. But now you see it for what it is and can get yourself and your children out of this situation. This next bit won’t be pleasant but you’ll be free afterwards and so much happier - good luck 🌸

I remember reading your original thread and thinking I'd hate to be in your situation.

It's good to read your updates, it seems like you are finally ready to be free of him. Well done on taking that step, it can't have been an easy decision to make but it sounds like it will be best for you and your kids. Please don't take any shit from him if he threatens any nasty behavior as you suspect he might. All bullies need a willing victim so stand your ground, you are doing the right thing.

Try to focus on the life you want to have a year from now and imagine how good it will be to put the stress of your current situation behind you. I hope it all works out for you.