Aibu to think enough is enough

[Teaandbiscuits82]

2.5 years ago my OH stopped working to temporarily focus on building an upstairs extension on our house and fit a new kitchen downstairs. In that time I have paid all bills etc as was agreed at the start and I was happy to do this so we could make the changes to our house quicker. In this time I have been redundant then had to leave a new job as working from home with Young children just wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t meet the requirements of the job. Fast forward to now we have a shell of an upstairs extension and the kitchen area is gutted (basically back to bricks and a shell not a useable space) we have a temporary kitchen set up in garage.

AIBU in feeling like I have had enough of living in a building site while being financially responsible for 5 people. I agreed to him taking time off work to do the work but was thinking a year tops not 2.5 with no end in sight. I am very resentful and I don’t know how I can return to not feeling that way. I dare not question him as I get met with a torrent of how I shouldn’t question him and any suggestion of getting someone in to help basically gets met with the same. I feel it’s just to put me off asking him again but I can’t continue like this forever financially or mentally and I want my kids to have a home not half a home they can’t use.

Would anyone else be happy with set up, I am shot down for suggesting I am unhappy about it

Thank you all for the replies. I am reading nothing I don’t honestly know myself to be true 😥. I feel like something has finally clicked and I realise I am massively being taken the piss out of and he is truly not bothered how I feel about it all.

It’s exhausting and dominating my life for so long and it’s turning me into someone I am not. Not the mother I wanted to be as I’m trying to keep them away from what he is doing and living in general unorganised mess.

I have been looking online for jobs today and pretty much everything in my sector is work from home only which I have no chance at doing with the children around (it pushed me severely to my limits last year as there is no opportunity for headspace with my kids) I know many people are doing it and I salute you! I couldn’t meet my deadlines and my output was not up to scratch. It honestly nearly sent me over the edge I feel sick just thinking of how stressful it was. If I could go into an office for a couple of days so I wasn’t around to be disturbed it would possibly be manageable. Once schools are back I will utilise wraparound and youngest will be with grandma until Jan as can go to Pre school then. I am going to update my CV this evening when little ones are asleep.

In a nutshell I am fuming. Equally fuming at myself for allowing it to get to this point. I feel totally trapped.

Channel that annoyance.
Don't give him another penny.
You need your money.
Open another account, hide it, whatever, just put some aside.

Insist he sells what he can to raise money.

It might take a bit of time but you will get there.
If he's not working he should be minding the children and helping out.
Stop allowing him to behave like a bloody feckless teenager.
Start leaving the children with him.
You are too nice.
Stop it😁👍

I thought I would reread this thread today to remind me of all the resounding IANBU verdicts. More than 6 months on I can report that.......... very little has changed 🙈🙈 the only ‘progress‘ has been concrete floor completed on the whole downstairs extension and some timber work to divide it up into kitchen / downstairs loo and utility and a couple of walls plaster boarded. It’s been nearly 6 months since my OP so that has really given me some perspective. I told him Friday that I wanted out and without him. There was a flurry of action over the weekend clearing out rubbish, making some steps safe into the garden that I have been asking for for months (I can’t do myself as always have toddler in tow and it’s is next to a big pond) and yesterday some
Plaster board when onto a few walls. I am literally at the edge of my mind and enough is enough. The thought of spending the 6 weeks holiday either trying to keep the children away from him while he “works” and trying to keep them out of danger is making me feel v ill.

I managed to find a job I was due to start in May but unfortunately my eldest child struggled with the transition back to school and only managed her first full day in June. I had no one to look after her so I had to withdraw from the job. She is fine now but it was quite tricky at the time. I have a small income of a few hundred a month from a bit of freelance work I do. The employer said if they have a vacancy come up they will offer me first refusal if I can do it.

I have heard it all this weekend, he is trying his best and it’s everyone else’s fault but his but I am done.

My children are having a sleepover at grandmas tonight and I plan to officially move things along as I think he thinks I was just having a moan on Friday. My only worry is he will turn nasty on me and he has got this nasty vindictive side to him he has already said if I think I am taking kids anywhere I can think again. Again not seeing that this is no environment for them
To be living in really.

I told him two months ago he needs to financially contribute now as I can’t pay for everything anymore my pot is empty (I have a bit stashed but this was my attempt at kickstarting him) I have heard it all since then things like is he “has to give me money” he can’t do house. “It’s getting to that time of the month again when I need to make sure I have bills money” - well yes. “Don’t want to live hand to mouth every month” “can’t buy you a small bar of chocolate from
Garage as I’m watching my money” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Not a way to live

I think if I were in your shoes I'd throw in the towel and move out. It's no environment for you and your children to have a normal family life. Most kids don't live in a building site. You've tried but you can't overcome his attitude. Time to move on and get a new home for you and your children. Best of luck 👍

Good luck with the chat tonight. Stick to your guns, tell him it's too late and he's had plenty of opportunities in the past to rescue the marriage.
You and your DC deserve to live in a comfortable house and should be able to rely on him to either provide financially or practically.

Hats off to you for trying, it really sounds like you’ve done everything you can and given chance after chance.

If I was you I’d leave now, before he bleeds you dry and it no longer becomes an option to financially survive alone.

I hate LTB threads as nobody can know what’s really going on in a few paragraphs, but all this time later??? You’ve got to give yourself (and your children!!!) a break xxx

Poor you! Here in Belgium we have a tv programme covering just this type of situations (I think it is dutch in origin). Every time the same story: professional builders that end up taking endless amounts of time doing the absolute minimum to their own houses. Spouses - just like you- that are fed up of raising kids in an eternal building site. The programme takes over by hiring professionals (real ones, ha!) to finish the job in two weeks. During this time the presenter talks with the wife and husband separately. In about 70% of the cases, the husband - after overcoming the initial shock - is completely on board with the help and admits to being completely demotivated/overwhelmed/shocked that it came that far. About 30% of the time the husband puts on a brave face but is internally seething and I expect him to destroy all the work done immediately after the cameras leave is it wasn't done to his standards. I hope your husband falls in the first category and is still up for a wake up call. Can you move out temporarily to bring home the message that enough is enough?

I am appalled at how he has sabotaged your family and continues to do so. Can you afford to see a lawyer, or at least the free first half hour? All you can do is extricate yourself because he is like a swamp sucking you all down while avoiding all responsibility.
Starting again will be hard but you will not have the millstone of him hanging round your neck. He may well be nasty but it may well be talk and bluster as he’s very lazy and it will take effort to challenge you in court. Sending you a bucket of energy and courage to get out of this mess. 🌺

he has already said if I think I am taking kids anywhere I can think again

'And if you think that one second that any court will award you residence when you can't even manage making the house safe for them after 3 years sat on your arse, you need to think pretty carefully about that, too'

God OP I salute in seeing sense and making plans to get out

If he was serious about doing the house he would have shown more initiative in getting it done and safe for the dc

Now, he’s just dossing around, happily watch you drain your money whilst he sits there playing handyman

They all say they'll take the kids. He can't even be arsed with his kids when they're in the house and you're trying to work so there's no chance he will bother himself with full custody

Good grief, I feel stressed just reading this. Presumably the house is in joint names? Would he agree to sell it if you split up?

I know you said he would possibly undo some of the work he's already done if you were to leave him, but I think that's just something you'd have to put up with. You know you can't control what he does, so don't allow that to be a reason to stay.

Just imagine living in a house that isn't a building site, just you and your children. You could claim benefits for childcare so you could work consistently, and also wouldn't have his expenses to pay.

Good luck; I hope you find the strength to leave this awful situation.

Is he actually working all day every day? If not what is he doing with his time?

Oh this is unbelievably frustrating to read, I can't imagine how bad it is to live through - you have my complete sympathies! 💐
I think I'd have to move out with the kids and leave him to it.

@maddening

Is he actually working all day every day? If not what is he doing with his time?

Yes. How is it taking so long if he’s working every day

Good luck! It sounds like you’ve done everything you can do and he isn’t listening to you. So sorry he’s being like this💐

Your deadline was 1st June.
It's now the 20th July.

You will need to take out a loan or re-mortgage to make whatever work he has done structurally sound if you decide to sell. You will need to get builders in to finish the job. I'd do that right now with him in the house. When the house sells, then you take whatever that cost, out of his 'cut'...as it was down to his inaction that you were driven to this as the way to complete the works.

You get a shit hot lawyer, and put an end to this faffing about!

I think you need professional advice from a divorce lawyer. Also try and get lots of pictures of the state of the house, preferably with dates on. Get all your financial documents, birth certs, etc and take them to your parents or trusted friend. Confide in your parents/trusted friend/ someone. Once you have started talking it will get easier. The embarrassment is his not yours.
Honestly this is an utterly ridiculous situation.
I don't know anyone who would quit a job to do up a house unless they were a professional property developer and were turning it around in months to sell again. This is complete madness for you to have accepted him having this jolly holiday from working.

Unless I've missed it you haven't said whether you are married or if the house is in joint names.

See a solicitor. Tell them the house is not safe/healthy for children.

You should not have to live like this.

Good lord, woman. You have had the patience of a saint.

Please don't continue to throw good money after bad. He won't change. He won't work. He won't finish the house. He won't come after the kids as he won't be able to cope with them.

Could you go and stay with your parents while you plan your next step?

And yes, take lots of pictures of the house, particularly the bits which are unsafe for the kids.

Don't waste energy being angry with yourself, use your energy to plan your exit.

Good luck. And say goodbye to this loser!

Thank you so much for commenting it really does help to read that it is a ridiculous situation. I genuinely believe he is literally the only person in the world who cannot see it. As for what he does all day...... a typical day would be getting up 730/8. He insists on doing the morning school run (note no contribution to getting children ready for school or any input into anything school related) I think he does it so can say I take my kids to school. Comes back breakfast coffee disappears upstairs for a bit maybe stays doing something about 10/1030 then 11 decides he needs something material wise so disappears for a bit. Comes back tells me he’s seen x y z so obviously stops for a chat. Phone rings chats for a bit. Does a favour for someone eg fix their car. Chats to neighbours does some work when kids come home from school. Stresses at kids for disturbing him trying to work. Eats dinner goes back outside gets annoyed i ask him to come in to help with bedtimes (7pm) goes in shower and doesn’t help with bedtimes (which is a challenge with 3 sometimes). Takes eldest up to bed. Sits down as tired 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I know it’s ridiculous. He will spend all day washing a car. I don’t get it. But If I question it I get shot down and it’s everyone else’s fault but his that things aren’t done. Oh and it’s been a pandemic is his other favourite line.

I also booked a weeks holiday with kids and my
Parents so we were out of the way and I suggested during that week he So some of the messy stuff like knocking through upstairs. He told me he was going to go to wales fishing with his brother as I wouldn’t cope if he went when I was here. Which is not true in the slightest!!! There are so many things I could say. But I am so glad I am going to take control now after giving a final final final final chance. I can’t go on like this forever feeling so isolated.

Thank you again for your comments I really do appreciate it.

I had no one to look after her so I had to withdraw from the job

This is so completely outrageous, considering he is at home with no job, that I am choking with rage for you.

He is sabotaging every single move you make to bring more money in and keep your family afloat. To be honest it feels like he is trying to make you helpless and financially dependent, I don't know if this is some sort of abuse or coercive control but whatever it is, it's bad.

I'm so glad you're leaving him. And yes I would expect him to get very nasty now his gravy train has ended. 3 years refusing to have any childcare responsibilities, even when it means his wife loses her job, and being financially supported without contributing! He's the worst cocklodger I've ever heard of

I have trouble putting up an ironing board but even I could've done the job in that time, ffs! And now it's six months further on, so he's taken THREE YEARS to do it! And he's a builder! And he's lived off you all that time. What a cocklodging waste of space. That's three years you won't get back, OP. Cut your losses now.

He told me he was going to go to wales fishing with his brother as I wouldn’t cope if he went when I was here

And now he's a gaslighting cocklodger to boot. OMG Tea, you will be so so so happy when you get rid of this dead weight holding you and your DCs back.

Not married but house in joint names which is a whole other story. Again I have been stupid there and wanted to believe the best in him. 80k deposit was all mine. He wouldn’t move unless we did it joint. I was pregnant and clearly the hormones got to my brain. I have written that cost off in my head I would rather start again and be happy. X