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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think enough is enough

189 replies

Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 12:59

2.5 years ago my OH stopped working to temporarily focus on building an upstairs extension on our house and fit a new kitchen downstairs. In that time I have paid all bills etc as was agreed at the start and I was happy to do this so we could make the changes to our house quicker. In this time I have been redundant then had to leave a new job as working from home with Young children just wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t meet the requirements of the job. Fast forward to now we have a shell of an upstairs extension and the kitchen area is gutted (basically back to bricks and a shell not a useable space) we have a temporary kitchen set up in garage.

AIBU in feeling like I have had enough of living in a building site while being financially responsible for 5 people. I agreed to him taking time off work to do the work but was thinking a year tops not 2.5 with no end in sight. I am very resentful and I don’t know how I can return to not feeling that way. I dare not question him as I get met with a torrent of how I shouldn’t question him and any suggestion of getting someone in to help basically gets met with the same. I feel it’s just to put me off asking him again but I can’t continue like this forever financially or mentally and I want my kids to have a home not half a home they can’t use.

Would anyone else be happy with set up, I am shot down for suggesting I am unhappy about it

OP posts:
Taikoo · 30/01/2021 16:03

He's a disgrace and he's an absolute complete and utter cunt.
Please divorce him and rid yourself of his chaos.

If you don't want to do it for yourself, that you can't be without a pair of trousers in your life etc, then please do it for your kids.

Takingontheflab · 30/01/2021 16:10

He's got himself a nice little set up there hasn't he? While you shoulder absolutely everything and don't even have the luxury of a nice home while you do so.

Hand over no more money OP. He's had more than his fair share of chances from sounds of it. The fact he works twice as hard in company shows how little he cares for you or your respect for him. Can only muster up the energy to look good for a handyman eh

Emeraldshamrock · 30/01/2021 16:14

Jez he has it handy. It would be more coat effective for him to work and pay a professional to build.

TheChip · 30/01/2021 16:18

Its like he has trapped you right where he needs you so that he can live a peaceful life.

He just needs to make a mess and claim he is working on it and you feed him food, money, childcare, keep a roof over his head. He is now trying to make it where you do it all without question as well.

Do you get anything out of this relationship?
Its really no surprise you're feeling how you do, he has drained every resource you have.
Yanbu at all. He needs to sort his head out!

Notimeforaname · 30/01/2021 16:29

What does he do for a living usually?
I'd tell him to get a loan or back to work. Pay someone to finish it. Then sell. Go separate ways.
Sit him down and tell him his options.

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 17:36

He is a builder 😂😂😂 otherwise I wouldn’t have gone along with this plan. He maintains that he has done loads and I don’t understand what he has done (even though I have been home every day pretty much watching the painfully slow progress while juggling everything else)

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 30/01/2021 18:15

If he’s a builder, did his other jobs take this long? Or was there someone else ‘in charge’ and he was ‘grafting’?

TheChip · 30/01/2021 18:16

😂 hes a builder. That made me laugh. Then I seen your username and that made me laugh even more 😁

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 30/01/2021 18:41

@thechip total coincidence 😭

@MsJaneAusten some did take a while but not this long it was him and one other so more like partners.

I know it is a lot of work to do but I am just so fed up with it. I think he senses I Am major peeved today as he has been fairly productive and has told me he is going to get up early and work till lunchtime tomorrow (he says this a lot but doesn’t so I will see)

I am well aware it’s a a ridiculous situation but I’m so stuck in it I can’t see a way out. I am going to attempt to talk to him again tonight with pen and paper in hand

OP posts:
Takingontheflab · 30/01/2021 18:46

So he sees you at end of thether and as a sign of commitment says he will do a half day!?!?!

Piffle11 · 30/01/2021 19:37

Friends of ours bought a very old-fashioned four bed house and completely gutted, renovated, and extended it in less than 18 months. And that was just the two of them and one other occasional worker. What does your husband actually do all day? I can’t imagine that he is actually doing anything productive… Is he doing something, then just undoing it again? It seems as though he really doesn’t want to actually finish. Did he hate his job? The fact that he is defensive and aggressive when you query what is happening would make me think there is more to it to than simply taking longer than you both expected. Blaming you and the DC for his not completing it is really out of order: he clearly is not prepared to take any criticism or blame for himself. You are definitely not being unreasonable. It must be awful for you and your children.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2021 20:22

Can you remortgage and bring own contractor in?

Laureline · 30/01/2021 20:59

Is he playing video games all day long? This is ridiculous

Original poster
Teaandbiscuits82 · 02/02/2021 11:05

@Hankunamatata unfortunately I can’t do anything with the mortgage as I am not currently working, I was the main applicant so loan would be based on my earnings mostly as he is self employed and hasn’t
really worked for the last 2+ years.

@Laureline no gaming in our house.

I managed to talk to him on Saturday eve and all he could tell me is that he agrees there are times he has lost motivation and had felt overwhelmed. He have given him lots of opportunities to either not do it, (move house instead) get someone else in to do it etc. Re the money side he did say “if it get to it I will sell x y x to raise some money” x y and z are things we had already discussed would be sold to fund the remaining works so this kind of said to me he had no intention of selling these things really.

He did 1.5 hours on Sunday morning but did some household chores that I actually can’t remember him doing At any point Recently. Yesterday he was out there for 6 hours. Today I was still asking him to get out of bed at 830. He did assure me he is motivated but just really tired. 🙄🙄🙄

Basically I can’t do anything until I sort out getting back to work. So that’s my plan I think!

OP posts:
MaxThePasta · 02/02/2021 11:11

No YANBU. I am genuinely gobsmacked that any decent husband or spouse would leave you in this situation and shut down any discussions about it.

My husband would be really upset if he knew it was impacting on my mental health. He can also be a bit 'why get someone in when I can do it myself' but it wouldn't be at the detriment of my health and our families financial state!

Is he just a lazy fucker?

billy1966 · 02/02/2021 11:24

Yes, he is just a lazy selfish fxxker who has made a right mug out of the OP.

Poor woman.

Hopefully she will indeed get herself organised and away from such a user, who basically could care less about her.

Summersun2020 · 02/02/2021 11:54

Why work til lunchtime?! He should be working all day! I’d be furious OP. Flowers

stonebrambleboy · 02/02/2021 13:27

We live next to a builder, he had plastic sheeting on his roof for seven years.

im5050 · 02/02/2021 14:00

Can’t you bury him under the foundations 😂
I think that’s what I would have done

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2021 14:25

@Summersun2020

Why work til lunchtime?! He should be working all day! I’d be furious OP. Flowers
This.

If his idea of a really tough day is 8-1, then he could get it done in half the time if he actually worked hard.

MustardMitt · 02/02/2021 14:40

Jesus. I can’t imagine living like this for so long when you clearly don’t need to - he’s taking the piss, massively. And 2.5 years later has only just decided it’s appropriate to sell some assets?!

He is - at best - a lazy lazy cunt. But I suspect (in fact I know) he is abusive. He likes having you do everything including paying for everything.

Ileflottante · 02/02/2021 14:44

Christ, stuff like this makes me so angry.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 02/02/2021 14:56

He is clearly someone who has no self motivation, he needs someone cracking the whip. So tell him he needs to go out and get a job now or relationship is over. There is loads of building work out there he could well find one before you do. Use the money to pay people to come in and finish it quick, he can work on it on weekends too. Once its finished you can decide then if you still want to stay with him. If you dont, you might want to consider splitting childcare with him 50/50 as I doubt he'll ever pay any child support.

letsdolunch321 · 02/02/2021 15:00

He says he is tried!! Sounds like he is lazy and not motivated.

Pippin2028 · 02/02/2021 15:03

Did your husband work in construction or carpentry? This happens alot where the man says he knows what his doing and you don't need to hire builders, but the mentality is that it is his home and he can go on at his own pace, whereas it's a different mentality when it's work and your on the clock with a deadline. At this point if you can afford it, get professionals in and throw some money at it otherwise it will cause so much resentment and unhappiness for you. Living in a building site in manageable for a month or two whilst you can see progress, but if nothing is getting done it's just depressing and you shouldn't have to live like that.

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