Aibu to think enough is enough

[Teaandbiscuits82]

2.5 years ago my OH stopped working to temporarily focus on building an upstairs extension on our house and fit a new kitchen downstairs. In that time I have paid all bills etc as was agreed at the start and I was happy to do this so we could make the changes to our house quicker. In this time I have been redundant then had to leave a new job as working from home with Young children just wasn’t working for me and I couldn’t meet the requirements of the job. Fast forward to now we have a shell of an upstairs extension and the kitchen area is gutted (basically back to bricks and a shell not a useable space) we have a temporary kitchen set up in garage.

AIBU in feeling like I have had enough of living in a building site while being financially responsible for 5 people. I agreed to him taking time off work to do the work but was thinking a year tops not 2.5 with no end in sight. I am very resentful and I don’t know how I can return to not feeling that way. I dare not question him as I get met with a torrent of how I shouldn’t question him and any suggestion of getting someone in to help basically gets met with the same. I feel it’s just to put me off asking him again but I can’t continue like this forever financially or mentally and I want my kids to have a home not half a home they can’t use.

Would anyone else be happy with set up, I am shot down for suggesting I am unhappy about it

Good god, this is horrifying. What in god’s name has he been doing with himself? He should be utterly ashamed. I just couldn’t live with such a feckless, lazy waste of space. OP have you had an estate agent around to do a valuation? I agree that what’s happened won’t have helped but you may still be able to sell it, or they can give you some advice on what needs doing. If it were me I would be kicking him out, using a small amount of money to finish what I could (most houses need a bathroom and kitchen to be mortgageable), selling the house and starting again, even if I took a financial hit and had to live in a caravan. And do not hand him half of the profit from any sale without a big fight as it sounds as though he has done nothing but de-value the place and sponge off you.

When I first read your update it sounded like
Mental health issues maybe? Sounds like my ex. He wasn't working and it took something like a year to decorate our spare bedroom which we wanted to do to sell our flat.

Tonnes of excuses as to why we couldn't paint.

5 years without a shower (did have bath) because it was 'unfixable' - it wasn't.

He was suffering with anxiety so a lot of these jobs I think just mounted up too much.

In your situation - it's like 1000 times worse - he isn't helping financially and you are living in a place that sounds awful for the children. How do you cook in a garage while they play?

To help financially - check your mortgage and see if you can step down to an interest only? Help free up some money for rent while it gets sold.

I am hoping that once you leave - it truly gives him the kick to get the place sorted out or atleast sellable.

So last night we talked, and talked and talked some more. I think he does get he is going to ‘lose his Family’. He did say how all these things that need to be done are constantly pecking away at his head and while is doing one thing he is thinking of another which is why he stops that thing and starts doing something else (and again and again) which is why we end up with 5 half finished things instead of one completed thing. He has always been like this eg saying he is going to mow grass and I will see him washing the car but he will stop half way through to mow grass get distracted by his phone ringing then go back and wash car (leaving the half mowed grass). He also has form for starting doing something then releasing he hasn’t got the right materials / tools goes out to get them and comes back with something different to do something else. I do get he is overwhelmed by the amount of work. But we cannot go on like this.

I do think maybe he might have adhd or something he does have relatives who have been diagnosed with it and I do see similarities.

He also has a massive ego so admitting he has a problem and can’t do something or accepting any sort of constructive critism is just not in his nature.

He wants a month to make a ‘significant difference’ I have said ok as either way the downstairs needs sorting to sell as like it has been pointed out I don’t think the house would be mortgageable in its current state. I have told him he needs to write down every little thing that needs to be done to finish downstairs and I am going to project manage it for the next month and if he can’t accept me doing that then he needs to leave now.

He agreed. The children are with my mum all day I am meant to be doing my freelance work but I will get a couple of hours to go shopping for the biggest white board I can find and map out some plans and I am going to manage the life out of him for the next month. He is working today (first job this week in months and it’s nice having a bit of space without him pottering around!!).

I have also dropped a bag of “stuff” to my moms including all house documents, passports birth Certs and booked someone to come value house next thurs. I am going to seek legal advice re the deposit as I can clearly show it’s from the sale of my previously sole owned home. I am also going to start looking for another job and in no circumstances will be I be not starting If I get it as without a job I can’t rent anywhere or do anything mortgage wise.

Trying to be positive and take control. This month is his 10000 percent last chance to sort it but with me taking steps to leave in the background.

I really appreciate all the comments and advice, it’s gone in for so long it’s become too normal to live and feel like this so to be reassured it’s not right and not normal makes a huge difference to me.

And the garage kitchen has an oven and hob. and cold water tap. There is a door form the hall into it so I can hear the children but it is hard hard hard. It was freezing in winter and it’s boiling now! He has our black plastic (cordex I think it’s called) on walls and floor it’s very oppressive!. But hilariously it is 100 times better than the previous shambles of a kitchen I managed in which says it all really! I also have a slow cooker which has been a life saver when I didn’t have the oven for a few months!.

I think that is a good plan.

Perhaps he also need agreed working hours with set breaks and he turns his phone on silent and puts it away whilst working.

He gets up early and is cracking on with it 7.30am latest - how early do the kids wake up?

@RandomMess thank you. That’s a great suggestion set working times and phone off. Youngest is up before 6 most days! Everyone up by 7 (except him!) I would love him to be out early and doing it I have said this to him over and over again.

Would it be possible for him to offer a realistic day.week.monthly plan for what he will achieve at his enhanced pace. He might hate having someone he feels is supervising him but it might help understand what a month's difference might look like.

What are his plans concerning employment after that month is up if he is not making progress to date and doesn't seem happy. Could you make it seem like his idea?

Good luck.

Well 7.30 start is non-negotiable

This set up is awful. Is he working?

Do not tolerate this. If you have the money go to IKEA or B&Q and get a fitted kitchen from them, the cheapest one they do if needs be. Do the same for the bathroom when you’ve got the money.

Then sell the house and send your husband packing.

Also when the kids are getting dressed and having breakfast it means they are occupied so he can crack on. Good reason to be firm with him.

Also when the have lunch and you can make him his lunch to have afterwards same with their meal time.

He will still need several short breaks but again you get him a drink/brew and then a phone back on silent you need to crack on. If he has ADHD then explain this works also that by picking one thing to get finished it should help him hyper focus on it.

Any quiet chores you can do together whilst the littlest ones are in bed? If you tackle bah and bedtime together it gives him a break from it and then you can both crack on and help keep him focused. Keep quiet stuff for evenings?

@Teaandbiscuits82

I have to say, he sounds a LOT like me. I am not quite as defensive, though! Too many outstanding tasks, I find it really hard to focus on any one task and often get nothing done.

I'm middle-aged now and have never been DIAGNOSED with ADHD, indeed I'd say I didn't show symptoms as a child. But now can tick all the symptoms off.

I had great success working with a coach who specialises in adults with ADHD (He has it himself).

He taught me some good strategies for dealing with it (though I have to say it was easy to lost track of those too after we'd finished working together.)

You Project Managing him sounds like a good strategy, as long as he will cooperate with you. Maybe it shouldn't be your job to do that, but helping him focus on the priority of the month/week/day may really help him.

I often get lost when day-to-day life tasks have to take short-term priority. If I had a Personal Assistant to do all that, I'd get a lot more of the big tasks done quicker.

Oh lordy! Please stick to it this time as this is no way for any of you to live. Do you think he’d consider working part time? If he worked a couple of days a week he’d at least be bringing in some money and would be accomplishing something. He needs to get organised. God, even if he wrote on the wall of each room what needed doing that would help! I get the being overwhelmed with too many jobs (my life!) but you’ve got to start somewhere. You being project manager is a good idea but he has to accept the help and do as you ask without being an arse about it. We got a high street kitchen for about £3k and DH removed the old one and installed the new one in about 10 days. He had no DIY experience but had tools and YouTube. If he can do it, an experienced builder can install a kitchen for you. If he won’t, you’re dealing with something more significant that will come down to him sorting it. He won’t want 50:50 if he won’t even look after his children so you can work (WTAF?!). You may also be shocked at the valuation you get back for your house. There will be no point in him fighting for 50% of nothing at best or 50% of the negative equity you owe the bank..which is all his doing! He has ruined the house he insisted you both move in to 🤷🏻‍♀️

What was his job previously, OP, and how quickly could he return?

Good luck, sounds so exhausting and overwhelming. Think you’ve come up with a very good plan. 1 month for him to bust a gut working and hopefully at least finish the kitchen (so house is more sellable) but at the same time you prep everything you need to do to leave if it isn’t worth staying after the end of the month. You have given him more than enough chances and he has completely neglected you and the family. Wishing you all the best!

Interesting that you have mentioned possible ADHD, I thought that from your description but didn't want to mention it as you tend to see it everywhere if you're not careful.

If you're right about that, project managing him might actually work, if he will accept your input. You will need to eliminate all the distractions from him and manage the shit out of him. Good luck!

There will be plenty of support on here, whatever you decide to do. I really hope you can get it sorted.

He is working today (first job this week in months and it's nice having a bit of space without him pottering around!!).

What a truly astonishing coincidence that after your ultimatum last night, he should happen to get work today for the first time in months, and be out of the house and unable to do any work on it.

@Rach212

Honestly I’d have left him.

Me too. He’s full of empty promises. I couldn’t stay with someone I’d lost all respect for.

@Zilla1

What was his job previously, OP, and how quickly could he return?

He's a builder! Allegedly

Beggars belief.

You both need to ruthlessly go from room to room and assess where it's at and what needs to be done

electrical wiring done?

Chased into the wall?

Wall plastered?

Sockets fixed?

Ready for mist coat?

Water supply needed?

Pipes laid in?

You get the idea.

Every stage required to render each room habitable needs to be listed on a piece of paper and stuck somewhere in each room.

With each room with it's own to do list, as he goes through the work, he can tick off each thing.

You csn then see if he's slacking, without him giving you excuses.

He's trying the ADHD tactic? That’s ridiculous. He’s dredging up sympathy and buying time. Why doesn’t he crack on with a self-help book, then, whilst calling some real builders to work on your house?

What’s going to change in a month? He’ll still do nothing and doesn’t sound like he’s going to let you get tradesmen in. That'll be where he kicks off; you telling him you're calling an electrician or whatever.

I don't understand why he isn't actually working as a paid builder?

@Teaandbiscuits82

I've got an air fryer whilst in bweteen ovens it's 50 and a life saver, roasts, bakes, fry etc fast and easy to clean.
I'm wondering if he ever was a builder, how well did you know him before?

Did he ever sell any of those 'assets'?

Thank you for all the comments and advice it really is helpful to me I am going to keep re reading to keep myself on track with the month deadline as I find I am so busy with children and trying to squeeze in a bit of freelance work and everything else the time zips by!.

I will try and answer questions in one go, he was / is a builder & landscaper. He has done this all his life. I have known him for 15+ years been together for 12. I have seen work he has done and heard about every job in great details as he LOVES to talk about it to me, he used to get in a huff if I didn’t listen and look at pictures of what he was doing.

I never had any reason to doubt he could do the work but I did have a nagging gut feeling he would be like this (why oh why didn’t I listen to that) just little things like he would say a job would take 5 days but it took 8, but he always had an explanation like this that and the other happened that was unavoidable.

He is self employed has a regular group of customers for years I know he could get work if he was available. He is one of those characters that older people tend to take a shine to (probably as he spends a lot of time talking! And I am sure he tells them lots of rubbish about what an amazing dad he is and what he is building them a house).

He has had this job booked in this week for a while now so i knew he would be working this week.

Yesterday I made a list of urgent things that need to be done first just small jobs in my opinion that would make life easier. I’ve started making a list of things that need doing in the extension part of the house but i need his input. He came home from work at 6:30 and said he was SOOOOO TIRED his EYES WERE ALMOST CLOSING While he was working yday. I expressed major concern ie I think we had better get you checked out as if your falling asleep after just working today and a few days before there must be something medically wrong!. Honestly I was equally fuming and in hysterics inside!. He also wanted me to say that everything was fine between us and I will totally 100 percent ‘normal’ with him. To which I replied something along the lines of I am happy to be civil and work together to sort this mess out but Your asking me to pretend everything is ok when is really IS NOT!.

Re assets - 50% sold but more the lower value things. He was going to take some photos of some things last night but it’s was too late’ so he is going to do that this morning before he leaves early for work. He is currently in bed. I did wake him at 7. I am going to remind him to take the pictures when he appears though is it will take 5 minutes. He said it’s worth £700 so I told him he can put that in my bank ready for the mortgage Payment due next week.

It’s going to be a long month isn’t it.