In-laws have declined the vaccine... AIBU?

[HotGlueGun]

So my in-laws (early 70s) have declined to have the vaccine. They are in our childcare bubble and so we see them regularly. They also ask us to do their shopping. WIBU to a) stop doing their shopping for them and b) reduce/ stop their contact with the kids? I'm really cross about but appreciate that they have free will and it's their choice. But resent having to do shopping for them... it's like they are happy for us to be at risk and aren't prepared to take reasonable steps to reduce their vulnerability and eliminate the risk for themselves/ the wider community.

I don't know OP. I would not be happy with them and definitely wouldn't have a childcare bubble unless I desperately needed one for an essential reason, but I wouldn't stop the shopping.

They're still vulnerable even if in part due to their own stupidity.

I wouldn't continue indefinitely just until more people are vaccinated and levels of covid in the community fall.

I would however keep this in mind and behave accordingly...

Sorry PIL, we can't celebrate x with you, its just too risky with you not having been vaccinated.

Yay, PIL I'm so happy to be going for my vaccination next week, first step to a more normal life, especially with my asthma.

I do think you're giving them mixed messages though in feeding into their everything's all right facade by agreeing to non essential childcare.

The vaccine doesn't stop transmission it just stops you getting very ill. They could still pass it to you and you to them vaccine or not. They're only hurting themselves.

[quote HotGlueGun]@Greenmarmalade I don't think it's hypocritical at all. Can you show me the gouvernement guidance that says this is not what childcare bubbles are for please? [/quote]
Are they looking after your children so you can work?

I think they're mad not having the vaccine, but that leaves them way more vulnerable than you.

And I see your priority is to stop helping them rather than them stop helping you.

@Orchidflower1

Just ask them why they want to put you and ergo their grandchildren at risk when they chose not to have something that could protect their family.

If they're not going anywhere it's the OP putting them at risk.

Whilst they provide childcare, it's more for their benefit than ours... they want to see the kids and we oblige them and use that time to get jobs done etc. But could manage with out it, like we did in first lockdown. They think they are invincible.

You stop the bubble.

my own parents haven't seen my kids since March so hardly think I'm being selfish. They live round the corner and my husband, who is less risk averse than me, was insistent that the kids continued to see their grandparents.

And you make your own parents your bubble instead.

Insistent? Can see where he gets his selfish outlook from.

No more insistent, I think. Time for you to make the decisions.

Regardless of any emotional blackmail or implications that you are being cruel to withdraw help from them the facts are:

1. They have every right not to have the vaccine- its their decision what goes into their bodies.
2. OP has every right to not feel comfortable with their decision and withdraw support.

Actions have consequences so whilst they have every right to chose SO DOES THE OP. It really couldnt be any clearer than this.

@HotGlueGun

This is the link to the government site re: childcare bubbles. Show me where it says it's for NECESSARY childcare please. www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-childcare-bubble-with-another-household

Why do you need childcare?

I would say that their health is their business, but also it is your right not to have it on your conscience that you put them at risk. The risk to them will increase when the schools go back, will they still see the kids then?

Likewise you are doing what you can to keep them safe, but they won’t do the obvious thing they can do to protect themselves.

Thirdly, I feel that people in the riskier categories not getting the vaccine, are generally relying on the fact that millions of other people will, which is unfair.

I think it’s fair to take the view that vaccination is the light at the end of the tunnel and the time that most of us have in mind for life to go back to normal. If they are not prepared to do that, then they are basically opting for a long term personal lockdown until corona goes away, which might be never.

I’d put it back to dh or get them doing online shopping and explain once the kids are back at school/clubs, you don’t think it would be right to see them as the risk persists (no sign of vaccinating kids on the horizon).

@Mrbob

So you are putting them at risk by increasing the number of people they have contact with but are annoyed at them for putting you at risk YABU Also this is NOT within the rules. A childcare bubble is for if you NEED childcare. Not if it is nice to have a bit of a break

^^This

This nightmare is never going to end, is it?

@Oysterbabe

The vaccine doesn't stop transmission it just stops you getting very ill. They could still pass it to you and you to them vaccine or not. They're only hurting themselves.

Quite, but you will be spoiling OP's state of righteous indignance with that factual statement. Not to mention the withdrawal of her children from these awful, infectious family-type people.

It is absolutely their choice. But you do have every right to make your own choices regarding your dc. I am missing my own dm dreadfully. We didn’t see her at Christmas as my dsis and she are in a childcare bubble, so should see each other at Christmas, and I have an elderly aunt. My dm was upset and did push us to break the rules but the thing that swayed me was that the dc had been at school and although I felt that it was pretty safe, I was terrified we might pass something on to her and daunt. I didn’t want that on my or dc conscience should the worst happen so we opted to stay home alone.

If my dm was to refuse the vaccine, the worry and potential guilt factor isn’t removed so I would be very confused about how to progress. Obviously I don’t want to not see her, but I don’t want to make her ill either. I suppose I would have to accept that she has chosen to accept the risks and just deal with that. But I can’t deny that it wouldn’t be an easy decision to reach and I would be very upset.

The slight difference I see here is that you have been seeing them almost throughout so in reality, nothing has changed. But, just as they have every right to make their decision, you also have every right to make yours.

Well back away op.
Dh can run round after them.

I'd carry on helping with the shopping but I'd be maintaining social distancing and I would not be leaving my children with them ( I'd not have been leaving my dc with them anyway as it doesn't sound like it was needed and so hardly a childcare bubble).

It is their decision but they have to be prepared for the consequences, like we all do.
I would stop doing their shopping, they're happy to put themselves at risk when it suits them.
I told PILs that we would stop doing their shopping and prescriptions if they carried on going to bingo when it was open. Also told them they could choose not to have the vaccine but they wouldn't be seeing our baby until I deemed it safe for them and our baby, which would be much later if they were unvaccinated.

It's their decision entirely and you cant tell them what to do, but you dont have to pander to them either.

I wouldn’t do their shopping anymore. If they got vaccinated they wouldn’t be so scared to go to the supermarket. I wouldn’t expect them to provide childcare anymore though.

Maybe their son could do their shopping, they are his parents
Mine shops for his mum, wouldn't dream of expecting me to do it.
Find alternative childcare and ask dh to step up, all sorted.

All these people who think the vaccine is a magic fix it and will make people immune from catching covid astounds me. You do realise we don’t know for sure the vaccine will work?

Respect their wishes

Did they vaccinate you for the usual childhood diseases out of interest?

@HotGlueGun Whilst they provide childcare, it's more for their benefit than ours... they want to see the kids and we oblige them and use that time to get jobs done etc. But could manage with out it, like we did in first lockdown.
A child are bubble is so you can work, you are abusing the childcare bubble legislation and putting people at risk. The apple clearly doesn’t fall far from the tree.

so if the couple of people they'd got their snippets of information from had been pro vaccine/science they would have got it?!

They're being utterly ridiculous not having it but at the moment, unfortunately, they do have that choice.

It's your choice whether or not see them, shop for them or allow them to have the kids now, and I wouldn't be.

They can't refuse the vaccine and then opt to stay home and expect you to go and get everything for them. That's ridiculous.

They've made their bed. They'll try to make you the villain for 'forcing them to have the vaccine or they can't see their grandkids' but they've done it to themselves.

Respect their wishes

Of course, but you so realise that goes both ways right?

They ALSO need to respect the OP's wishes.

@giletrouge

You said they think they're invincible. Call that bluff - if you're invincible, why am I doing your shopping, invincible people do their own! See the response, take it from there.

This is why I asked what happened

It's quite possible they aren't scared, they just find it handy that someone else is doing the supermarket queues.

I only know of one over 70 who isn't doing her own shopping and it's mostly because lovely people volunteered to do it for her.

You are more of a risk to them than they are to you.

I would try and offer them some material, maybe print outs from the BMJ or WHO that explains the testing, trials and safety of the vaccine, and remind them that without many vaccines life would be very different now: smallpox, polio, typhoid, tuberculosis etc

@AliceMcK

All these people who think the vaccine is a magic fix it and will make people immune from catching covid astounds me. You do realise we don’t know for sure the vaccine will work?

Respect their wishes

Of course people know that but the very least people can do is have the bloody thing when offered!!

@MyDcAreMarvel show me the legislation and how it's being abused. You won't be able to