Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by this joke?

193 replies

Fruityherbaltea · 30/01/2021 10:42

My baby is 6 months old. I visited family recently and a family member fed him a bottle in my presence.

My baby was moving a lot so the family member said: "You have to hold still, otherwise I will stick in the bottle the wrong end" while grinning.

I was quite offended by this joke and thought it was inappropriate. Am I justified being offended or am I being precious?

OP posts:
Whatnameisgood · 30/01/2021 13:27

The ‘joke’ was definitely inappropriate. Grim.

That was my first reaction. Anyone holding a 6 month old and that’s where their head goes is a bit odd.

Then read your backstory. Your dad clearly has very messed up sexual boundaries so no wonder you didn’t like what he said. It would have made me feel sick in your position

napody · 30/01/2021 13:32

If he deliberately exposed you to pornographic imagery as a child, that is sexual abuse. Quite disturbed to see a couple of PPs dismissing this, but not surprised as we as a society (and as mothers) have been groomed to ignore our instincts on these things.

He wouldn't be coming anywhere near my baby. Doesn't matter if he lives with your mum, there's always a way round it.

thosetalesofunexpected · 30/01/2021 13:33

@Fruityherbaltea

As a parent you do not have to put up with this family visiting arrangement of having your father being there there,

You can arrange for your mother on her own to vist you instead.

Can you say tell your mother of your concerns about, your father in regard of the abusive child hood experience you had?

Also can you look into having some kind of therapy specific to helping people to heal from this kind of abuse in childhood?

Also to other Posters who still see what her father said as a Joke .

Social services do class this as child abuse a child witnessing Adult poronography material.

(Like all different types of abuse,such as Domestic ,racial,school/work bullying/harassment.
Child abuse occurs in different forms,ways too.

I know this as i did a childminding training workshop before.

Sorry op, about earlier on.

Lucieintheskye · 30/01/2021 13:37

Context is everything and without the backstory i would've said you were being precious. However, your issues with your father are completely justified and even harmless comments that mean nothing could seem sinister to you. Have you ever dealt with your experience of his addiction? Could you get some support from a MH service? Does he still need support?

Ludo19 · 30/01/2021 13:40

If it was someone I had a good relationship with and I knew their intent, it would be funny.

Knowing your backstory and your relationship to your DF and what his behaviour was like then no, I'd not find it amusing at all.

WombatChocolate · 30/01/2021 13:43

I can’t quite tell from this thread, if Op simply dislikes her Dad...that he did look at pornography (nothing to suggest child porn etc) but there was nothing abusive or sinister...and she just dislikes him
OR
If there is a risk factor there.

I don’t think we will be able to tell. Op will have to decide this for herself. If she feels uncomfortable with her Dad and isn’t happy to have her child around him, then she will need to say so and insist he doesn’t see her child, even if it creates upset in the family. She must go with her instinct.

But I really don’t think we can tell or be sure one way or the other. In itself, I don’t find the comment offensive or inappropriate (and lots of people, especially older ones say things parents of babies aren’t especially keen on...new parents are often a bit hypersensitive and easily object and feel things are inappropriate, which are perhaps just generational differences). Op has said her Dad wasn’t abusive to them and hasn’t mentioned child porn or risk to children.

But she clearly doesn’t like him. We don’t know the rest of their backstory and history and the reasons she feels like that. It could be simple dislike for all kinds of reasons, with no risk factor and the fact he looked at porn isn’t really a factor. Or, there could be risk and something that really isn’t right.

We just don’t know.

bloodywhitecat · 30/01/2021 13:44

Context is everything in this case, initially I thought you were being OTT but after reading your update YANBU.

smoothchange · 30/01/2021 13:45

I can’t quite tell from this thread, if Op simply dislikes her Dad...that he did look at pornography (nothing to suggest child porn etc) but there was nothing abusive or sinister...and she just dislikes him

It's absolutely abusive to expose young children to pornographic material.

maddiemookins16mum · 30/01/2021 13:56

It’s crass and I’d have made a face but would have forgotten within minutes.

WombatChocolate · 30/01/2021 13:57

I agree that exposing children to porn is abusive.
But did Op say he did that? I’m sorry if I have missed it. I thought she said he looked at porn and they found out he looked at it, which was obviously upsetting, but not the same as exposing them to it.
Sorry if I have missed something.

In the end, Op well have to decide and go with her gut instinct. If she doesn’t feel happy with her Dad being with her child, it is her call to exclude him is she chooses.

TansyViolet · 30/01/2021 13:59

Yanbu. It's grim to joke about sticking something up a baby's bum.

IJustWantSomeBees · 30/01/2021 14:10

@BogForLife

Yuk, I hate language around men threatening to ‘stick things’ in orifices, and I hate people talking to babies in language that is sexual, threatening or swearing.

It just seems coarse, crass, vulgar and bleugh. And men throwing their weight around. Yes, maybe only linguistically, but it’s so unnecessary.

Who even thinks to say something like that to a 6 month old baby?

This. YANBU at all OP, there is no reason in the world for an adult to make a sexual joke about a child.

I am shocked by the responses on this thread.

KatyClaire · 30/01/2021 14:17

I’d have hated it too. I wouldn’t have said anything, but it’s a gross thing to say to / about a baby.

clpsmum · 30/01/2021 14:22

Ffs very precious

BogForLife · 30/01/2021 14:31

@clpsmum

Ffs very precious
And yet again: the people who disagree with the OP, and think nothing of language about sticking bottles up babies anuses feel the need to say 'ffs'.
smoothchange · 30/01/2021 14:33

I thought she said he looked at porn and they found out he looked at it, which was obviously upsetting, but not the same as exposing them to it.

Well actually OP said...

some of them were laid out in the open and my father made no effort to hide them from us and sort of exposed us to it.

And anyone who suggests this is acceptable or excusable is wrong. It's abuse. It's always been abuse. It wasn't different back then.

LastTrainEast · 30/01/2021 14:36

Great second post OP.

Completely change the nature of the question if not satisfied with the first round. Well done.

ParadiseIsland · 30/01/2021 14:50

@clpsmum

Ffs very precious
Can you explain why the OP is precious @clpsmum?

What do you think that person meant by ‘the wrong end’? The baby’s nostrils?

clpsmum · 30/01/2021 14:55

@ParadiseIsland haven't read the full thread so sorry if I've missed some kind of back story that wasn't e planned in original post.

No I think he meant child bum but it was on off the cuff remark/joke not a threat. Probably a bit stupid but doubt much thought was put into it

Mercury5000 · 30/01/2021 15:10

I would find that comment nauseating and disrespectful to my baby, even without knowing your backstory. Definitely not being precious.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 30/01/2021 15:11

@Seatime and @BogForLife you've articulated better than me.

OP I'm sorry your dad was abusive when you were children.
You dont have any obligation to see him.
He has no intrinsic right to see you or your baby.

For what it's worth, I thought this as soon as I read the comment and asked DH too and he said 'eugh, who said that?' (we have a 6 month old nephew so I asked what he'd say if someone said it about him).

I didn't see any humour in it, pretty repulsed.

@WombatChocolate the term is not 'child porn', it's images of child sexual abuse.
Children don't consent to have those photos taken.
It doesn't matter what the images were, young children shouldn't have been exposed to theit father's use of pornography.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 30/01/2021 15:40

I still haven't resolved my complicated feelings around my childhood and my father

Clearly, and I think that's what's turned a harmless jokey comment into something you don't like. Do you think he's a potential paedophile, or do you just not like him that much?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/01/2021 15:55

Do you think he's a potential paedophile, or do you just not like him that much?

This person's boundaries are very dodgy. Intentionally showing a minor sexual content is child abuse. At what point does not being bothered about a child seeing pornography just lying about switch from being accidental to being neglectful to being actual sexual abuse (as defined in law).

Just, urgh............ that so many people can't see this. It's nothing to do with "not liking" this person and everything to do with OP's instincts that he's not to be trusted.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/01/2021 15:58

And who knows what he is actually accessing these days, anyway? Pre-internet, "dirty magazines" or videos were not hugely easy to get hold of. People can access extreme stuff within a few clicks these days. It's not like OP can ask her father "So.......have you still got a huge porn collection, Dad? Have you moved onto internet porn now, with a stash of downloaded images and videos?"

daisypond · 30/01/2021 15:59

[quote clpsmum]@ParadiseIsland haven't read the full thread so sorry if I've missed some kind of back story that wasn't e planned in original post.

No I think he meant child bum but it was on off the cuff remark/joke not a threat. Probably a bit stupid but doubt much thought was put into it[/quote]
Why comment, then, if you haven’t read the thread, or at least the OP’s posts? You have missed the backstory.