Friend went snooping

[Sunnyshades5]

I'm really close to a man who's changed his whole life around in the last year! He went through years of struggle that led to bad choices and he ended up in hospital. I won't go into huge details.

He's months and months sober.
Earning good money and working 5-6 solid days a week.
He's rescued a dog as part of his recovery. The dog gives him something positive and keeps him company.
He's skilled in what he does and is always getting offers for work. He's popular and seems to be supported alot. He also reaches out to anyone struggling and offers to tell them how he did it. He often gets contacted because he really has turned around.

We didn't plan to become close. But we met through a friend and developed an instant friendship. We are several months into a really close friendship. It's cups of tea and conversations. I can call him anytime. He can call me. We catch up everyday and once life resumes more we will probably go out and about places. Overall he's just lovely and I think the world of him. We help eachother with anything the other can't do.

I know his story. He's told me all the details. Why it happened. What happened. How it ended. He also told me part of his recovery is to be honest about his past. He told me he was terrified of meeting new people and opening up. But he felt safe talking to me and I know it was a massive thing telling me.

My best friend was curious about him as we've been close a while now. So I told her all his good points. Told her he's had some struggles and kept his story private mostly.

She went digging. I think her heart was in the right place. But her husband works in the same Industry and she sent him to work to dig out info. She then text me to ask if I was free for a walk.

I went to meet her. She asked to see his photo. Then she told me her husband had found out he's a p**s head. He's done this and that. She told me everything he had openly told me. I thanked her for caring. Told her he's not hiding anything. He's told me in detail everything she just said. I then said all I can say is he's like this now. He's turned his life around. He didn't want to be that person. He didn't enjoy being that person. He's trying to lead a normal life now and whilst I can't say he never will relapse he's currently living a normal life.

I'm just upset with it. People love gossip. People find it so easy to judge. To Tear someone to pieces. I fully expected one day my friend would meet him. But now she's made me feel like she's written him off. I just feel she had no right to snoop. Go fishing for information. Go discussing me with men who do not know me. What if it gets back to my friend. How is he supposed to feel?

How would you feel? I do understand people would have seen him when he was poorly and that will be their view on him. But I still feel my friend had no right.

You know, we all carry baggage, sometimes we carry other people’s, because we want to help, sometimes that persons happy to let other people feel the weight of there shit and are happy for them to carry it for them,, well here’s the thing, who’s the fool, you can tell people your carding his baggage because he once broke his arm, but to help him he must first feel how heavy it is x

@ilovesooty You make a good point, aren't there confidentiality rules for people who work in addiction services? If that's the case, it's your friend who's broken a serious code, and could probably be fired for doing that!

I think it's great that you're good friends with this man, and I wouldn't listen to your "friend", who's probably just jealous

Why would she possibly be envious?

"Do you know John Smith?"
"Oh yeah, that man's a liability. He was barely here, turned up off his head twice yelling at staff, punched Dave on reception for escorting him out, then last I heard was jailed for battering his missus. Why?"

Why do people with problematic pasts sometimes revert to their old selves? Precisely because people gossip, and are unwilling to give them a chance to turn their lives around, so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ah yes, if only people would believe in them more they would be fine. It's all someone else's fault, isn't it? Can't possibly be their responsibility, must be because other people gossiped and didn't believe enough.

Addiction is complex. And it really isn't as simple as other people not believing enough.

[quote Tzimi]@ilovesooty You make a good point, aren't there confidentiality rules for people who work in addiction services? If that's the case, it's your friend who's broken a serious code, and could probably be fired for doing that![/quote]
She didn’t say he was a patient, she said the two of them worked in the same industry

What do people not understand about one colleague asking another about someone? It’s not a GDPR breach, a sackable offence or anything else dodgy.

Like I said earlier, if someone asked me about one particular ex colleague, I could tell them he was an alcoholic, was convicted of drunk driving and various public order offences and was reported to our regulatory body for being drunk at work. I would not be risking my job by doing that.

I would trust your instinct, it's rarely wrong.

This simply isn't true! For people with a tendency to be codependent, which OP has shown tendencies of in her posts, intensity and frequency of communication lead to a 'gut' feeling someone is good for them without a stable foundation for a relationship.

OP is clearly very intense about this man, despite only knowing him a brief amount of time and some red flags that most people would be concerned about. Her gut is not reliable at the moment.

Is this a romantic thing? I'm confused 🤷‍♀️

I think it's great that you're good friends with this man, and I wouldn't listen to your "friend", who's probably just jealous

Of what?!

You genuinely think OP's new friend doesn't warrant quotation marks, but her well established, long term friend who showed concern is now a "friend"?

She sent him to work to do some digging .
It diesnt say he asked around colleagues or how he found out. He got a lot of information and it all matched what they were told. Sounds to me like it was on record and he was able to see it. We are all entitled to an opinion. You have yours and I have mine. Nothing nonsense about it.

[quote Tzimi]@ilovesooty You make a good point, aren't there confidentiality rules for people who work in addiction services? If that's the case, it's your friend who's broken a serious code, and could probably be fired for doing that![/quote]
There is no suggestion whatsoever that the friend or her husband works in addiction services. Where does this myth come from?

Why do people with problematic pasts sometimes revert to their old selves? Precisely because people gossip, and are unwilling to give them a chance to turn their lives around, so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I would trust your instinct, it's rarely wrong
Why do addicts relapse? It's complicated, but it's their actions and nobody else's.
Really the big question is why are there women so willing to believe an addict newly in recovery and blame everyone else for an addict's actions?

Gut instinct is regularly wrong. If it wasn't then this site wouldn't be full of threads from women who've been loving and caring, only to find the men that love bombed them and played the "you are so special to me and not like the other women" cards actually hid their real selves until after their partner had a baby etc and then became an arsehole.

Advising caution when a friend is so invested on a new addict friend that they are willing to take what h

@Charlotteskye

She sent him to work to do some digging . It diesnt say he asked around colleagues or how he found out. He got a lot of information and it all matched what they were told. Sounds to me like it was on record and he was able to see it. We are all entitled to an opinion. You have yours and I have mine. Nothing nonsense about it.

How exactly does it sound like it was on record? Where is the evidence for that? As numerous people have pointed out, you can hear plenty about people working in the same industry just from word of mouth. Alcoholics in particular are really, really bad at hiding what is going on.

You are indeed entitled to your own opinion, but you aren't entitled to your own facts.

I've never been involved with anyone like this. My last relationship was positive and lasted ten years. I'm a strong women who's never suffered with mental health.

I love my friend. She cares I get it. I value her still. I haven't fallen out with her. I'm a little hurt she went snooping..

As for my new friend. I am not co dependent. We don't live together. We are mates who may go further one day. So far it's balanced. He's been there for me and I've been there for him.

Yes he may relapse. But if he does and he changes I'll walk away. But let's hope he continues forward. He was half an hour from death less than a year ago. It's not my job to save him. I liked him before I knew everything or anything. He's a nice man. He's honest about his sleep struggles. He tells me he's scared of new relationships. There's no rush with any of it though is there? It's cups of tea and hanging about. It's not infatuation. I get on with him. I can see the good in him and the bad. He's not violent and never has hurt children. He lost his job and his ex couldn't handle his depression. I understand he would have been hard work. But he's now on a new path and trying his best.

Like I say mental health is always shared on facebook. People make out they will be there day or night for any of their friends struggling. But look at this post. Full of accusations.

I have my eyes open. I am not infatuated or thinking I can fix him. I like him because of how he treats me and until he does anything bad I will defend him that he's trying to live a life and survive just like the rest of us.

Fat fingers
Advising caution when a friend is so invested on a new addict friend that they are willing to take what he says at face value and want to distance themselves from old friends who don't buy the 'isn't he amazing' line is rather sensible.
He might have a successful and long lasting recovery. He may not. That's on him.

I'd feel grateful she had my back and I in her position would do the same

Thank her nicely and then tell her your feelings
Everyone deserves a second chance

Gut instinct is regularly wrong. If it wasn't then this site wouldn't be full of threads from women who've been loving and caring, only to find the men that love bombed them and played the "you are so special to me and not like the other women" cards actually hid their real selves until after their partner had a baby etc and then became an arsehole.

This, 100% to people who say always trust your gut / it's never wrong etc.

He lost his job and his ex couldn't handle his depression. I understand he would have been hard work. But he's now on a new path and trying his best.
He may well be, but even here it's all how he is a passive victim and minimising.

There's no way of knowing whether his ex not handling his depression was that she was really unsupportive when he was actively seeking help, or whether his actions (which he won't share openly if there is a chance of a romantic relationship) were those of a depressive person who drank top much and actually made the family home utterly toxic for everyone involved.

Like I say mental health is always shared on facebook. People make out they will be there day or night for any of their friends struggling. But look at this post. Full of accusations
Being there for your friends struggling is very different to turning a blind eye to your friend developing an intense friendship with a recovering addict who seems to have rose tinted glasses on.

Any man who blames his addictions on his ex is a giant red flag by any measure!

He sounds trouble - sorry OP.

The info you’ve given about him has gone from “he made bad choices...he didn’t want to be that person, he didn’t like being that person...” to “his ex couldn’t handle his depression”. In the former comment, you’ve made it sound like he took some responsibility for his actions, though to those of us without blinkers we can see it for the over-earnest zeal of the reformed addict, no doubt delivered with wide-eyed sincerity and a lot of angst, but in the latter comment he’s basically a victim again. Addicts are always victims, in their eyes. I’ve yet to meet an addict who didn’t blame someone else for their actions.

But, you’ve been warned. None so blind as those who will not see shrug

@Charlotteskye

She sent him to work to do some digging . It diesnt say he asked around colleagues or how he found out. He got a lot of information and it all matched what they were told. Sounds to me like it was on record and he was able to see it. We are all entitled to an opinion. You have yours and I have mine. Nothing nonsense about it.

He works in the same industry as this guy. They have mutual colleagues. Of course people who worked with him know about him- they’d know he lost his job, they’d know if he was turning up drunk or it was a conviction that cost him his job. This is not highly classified info in workplaces.

He deserves a chance. Anyone does. How can people get away from their past if people like you’re friend bring up the bad. She should support you and look at the current behaviour. As a friend it’s within their remit to give a balanced view but not just give the bad on a guy who’s obviously trying. Some people thrive on negativity.

What was happening that caused him to loose his job op? And how did the depression manifest itself in the relationship? What behaviours was he exhibiting that caused him to be fired and her to walk?

Gosh, your OP makes it sound like the sun shines out his arse. It doesn't. You've got a good friend there. She is not a threat to his reputation, the facts are the facts. Sounds like you're more bothered that she knows your judgment is off.