To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

[Jenga3000]

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

It could be argued, why is it Jenga3000’s job to get over it. Why not her husbands job to get over having another child.

No, you couldn't argue this, because it involves bringing in a new life that one parent actively doesn't want. That's an awful thing to do to that hypothetical child.

It's almost as bonkers as the posters claiming that someone who doesn't want more children is being selfish in refusing to give the OP another one, as if a child is a bloody necklace or something. It's not a gift that you give to your partner, it's a commitment that will involve you 50-50!

The other way might involve personal sorrow and grief, but - and this is a harsh way of putting it, I acknowledge - what it boils down to is that we don't always get what we want in life. We don't always get our dream careers, lifestyles or families. And we all have to deal with disappointment along those lines at some point.

I was trying to point out that it was an impossible situation. Some one is not going to be happy and even if it isn’t something that has been considered at the moment in time the resentment would grow. If one person wants another child and the other doesn’t then the relationship can’t last.
If the person who doesn’t want another child holds all the cards then it isn’t an equal relationship

I think leaving for me wouldn't just be about getting a new baby, I think my feelings of resentment would sour the relationship, knowing that he was actively accepting my unhappiness. If good reasons were in place that's different - we thought we would end up with one due to medical problems, if dh had left over that he'd be a bit of a shit. Pp mentioned having bad PND and again that's a good enough reason.
He has a choice absolutely but I do think his reasons to cause such potentially life long upset to his partner should be good ones.

If the person who doesn’t want another child holds all the cards then it isn’t an equal relationship

But the person who doesn't want another child has to hold the cards because the worst possible outcome is an unwanted child. To me that trumps either partner's unhappiness. And ideally of course both partners commit to a certain number before marriage but unfortunately both men and women can change their mind for any reason. As PP have said the desire not to have more children can be just as strongly felt as the desire to have another.

Maybe you're right and the relationship can't last. But I do know that people soldier on through similar and greater life disappointments all the time. If I had to make suggestions for the OP, they would be: some hefty counselling to help her through what's essentially a period of grief; and possibly channeling her nurturing instincts into things like mentoring schemes for kids, or otherwise volunteering in the community.

He has a choice absolutely but I do think his reasons to cause such potentially life long upset to his partner should be good ones.

Does his partner have to have good reasons to cause lifelong upset to him by insisting on another child?

Not to mention to potentially cause lifelong upset to the child itself - something that I'm quite shocked a lot of posters aren't taking into account.

I am in the camp of very much doubting the arrival of a second child would cause lifelong upset to a man happy with the dc he already has.

He’s not selfish for not wanting another child. Of course he’s entitled to change his mind. He’s been selfish in the way he’s gone about this, it was over 2 years probably close to 3 where he refused to entertain the conversation any further than “I don’t know”. I’d cried my eyes out telling him how I felt I was being dangled and that I needed to know because if not, I knew it would take me a while to process. He said we would talk again after Christmas. He knew I was living in hope. We spoke again after Christmas, he said he still didn’t know. I told him if he didn’t tell me I was going to leave because it was making me mentally unwell at this point. He then admitted he didn’t want another. That’s really selfish behaviour and that’s what has hurt me.

All this being said I am not obsessed with the fact of having any baby, I wanted to complete our family and have DP’s baby. I don’t want to go on a ‘sperm hunt’ as a pp said. If I was ever to leave DP it would be because of the resentment I fear might grow if I can’t see a way past this. And not to deliberately look for someone else.

I’d also say he’s pretty selfish for

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

I am in the camp of very much doubting the arrival of a second child would cause lifelong upset to a man happy with the dc he already has.

Why? Would you say that about a woman too? I am beyond happy with my one DC but for me having another would be disastrous. It would ruin my life.

@12frogsincoats

You're 12 years younger than him and you're not married. If I was you I'd find a new partner closer to my age who does want a baby with you.

YUP! I would be on my way.

Thought I’d just jump on OP because this is happening for me too. I have a 7.5 year old DS with ExH and DH and I always discussed having more children. Ideally two more but definitely at least one other. For the past two years we’ve been trying, I’ve been looking at IvF/adoption etc and he had become lukewarm. He dropped on me a month or so ago that he no longer wants another baby. He carried on trying because I wanted it so badly but actually he can’t see the appeal anymore. I’ve been having some counselling to consider how I feel about it. It’s been all consuming want for me for so long, suddenly considering not having another baby knocked me for 6. However, he has a right to change his mind. I have a right to leave him if I want to. I don’t think I do want to. I had to be really rational about the reasons why I wanted another one. It’s not easy. Good luck x

@riotlady

Can’t believe people are suggesting the OP leave and find someone else! What about the child she already has?

Exactly.

At least he's being honest. And only children have great lives.

OP has a partner she loves, a healthy child - many people would be thankful for all of that instead of seeing the glass as half empty.

He will be snapped up by another woman asap if they break up. Single mums aren't quite that in demand on the dating scene. It's a risk.

@omygoditsearly

Think about what you have. House, child relationship. That is a lot to throw over. I have two children at 3 years apart, at 5 I wouldn't want to start again with babies! Perhaps look at this the other way, why are you so hung up on having two children that you would throw away your relationship and break up a family? Yes I understand disappointment but at least he has been honest with you and not bought an unwanted child into the world.

All of this.

Plus overpopulation. We're in a pandemic because the planet is too crowded.

@Jenga3000 you’ve mentioned it’s the way he he did it; keeping you waiting for an answer for over 2 years.

If he’d been honest two years ago about not wanting another, would you feel any different?

@Waxonwaxoff0 no I wouldn't say that about a woman, as the man doesn't go through pregnancy, childbirth, possibly pnd, possibly breastfeeding, and generally - as sexism as not disappeared - not doing a genuine 50% of the care.
I think the impact of a child on a woman is far, far greater so I don't think the two situations mirror each other.

piglet89 I’d have been devastated still. But I would respect his honesty and I wouldn’t feel so hurt, I wouldn’t have been strung along and maybe by now I would have come to terms with it.

Now it’s been 2-3 years more of waiting and hoping. It has caused massive damage to us and I hate it.

mooey my thoughts are with you too! I hope you can work things out

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown
I am in the camp of very much doubting the arrival of a second child would cause lifelong upset to a man happy with the dc he already has.

Why? Would you say that about a woman too? I am beyond happy with my one DC but for me having another would be disastrous. It would ruin my life.

But that’s you, and we obviously don’t know your circumstances. Often women don’t want another because of a horrendous pregnancy or difficult birth. Or PND or just extreme tiredness from being left to do all the work where the baby is concerned. In other cases, serious financial difficulties would make it very unwise to have another. Also, many couples are perfectly happy with just one and that’s great if they both agree.

In OP’s case she is pretty desperate for another while her DP’s reasons sound really vague. He thinks he’s too old, but he isn’t really and if they’d decided earlier he would have been younger. That he doesn’t want to take the risk- without being at all specific about what he’s referring to. That OP has been pressuring him; she’s only asked and seems to have gone a couple of years without bringing it up at all.

@CecilyP

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown I am in the camp of very much doubting the arrival of a second child would cause lifelong upset to a man happy with the dc he already has.

Why? Would you say that about a woman too? I am beyond happy with my one DC but for me having another would be disastrous. It would ruin my life.

But that’s you, and we obviously don’t know your circumstances. Often women don’t want another because of a horrendous pregnancy or difficult birth. Or PND or just extreme tiredness from being left to do all the work where the baby is concerned. In other cases, serious financial difficulties would make it very unwise to have another. Also, many couples are perfectly happy with just one and that’s great if they both agree.

In OP’s case she is pretty desperate for another while her DP’s reasons sound really vague. He thinks he’s too old, but he isn’t really and if they’d decided earlier he would have been younger. That he doesn’t want to take the risk- without being at all specific about what he’s referring to. That OP has been pressuring him; she’s only asked and seems to have gone a couple of years without bringing it up at all.

We don't know his reasons though. Whether we think they're "vague" or not, no one should ever feel pressured into having a child that they don't want, male or female.

I think I feel quite "anti" the OP's dh because I hate the stringing along thing that some men do when they knew from the start how they felt; but more so because I think it is selfish to get together with a much younger woman and then use your age as a reason not to do something that is very common and much to be expected in a serious relationship.

I do think the stringing along is out of order and he should have been honest from the start.

I wouldn't have a baby with someone of his age anyway (imo too old and it carries higher risk of disability). But I wouldn't stay if I desperately wanted another. It would be too heartbreaking and I couldn't handle the 'what if' I'd moved on and found a new partner who I loved and did want another 1 or 2.

I sympathised with DP right up until the point he won't consider having the snip or using condoms now I think he's just a selfish A Hole.

I'm sorry but no way would I be taking contraception if I wanted another child and he didn't! He can either stop having sex or sort contraception himself!

I really feel for you OP, and angry on your behalf. Your DP sound selfish beyond measure and is refusing to take responsibility for his own actions in wooing a very much younger woman, whose natural needs he is now refusing to fulfil, after lying by omission for years.

Get a sperm donor, get pregnant, tell him the child is his, the fucking selfish twat.

We don't know his reasons though. Whether we think they're "vague" or not, no one should ever feel pressured into having a child that they don't want, male or female.

No we don’t and we don’t need to. But the point I was making is I don’t think OP knows either. If she had some real concrete reason she might cope better with her disappointment. And presumably he would have had reasons 2 years ago but wasn’t prepared share them then.