To wonder how to move on? I want another baby but he doesnt

[Jenga3000]

Hi,

So after years of me asking to try for another baby my DP of 7 years has told me he doesn’t want another. We have one DS who has just turned 5.

I was always open about wanting 2 children and assumed it was a given, it was just a case of when. But DP has never been able to commit to trying again either way, until recently.

It’s caused a lot of arguments and very painful conversations. I respect his decision but I feel like I’m grieving for the 2nd child I always imagined I’d have. I recently told my DM about it who seemed disappointed and upset for me which hasn’t helped. I just can’t seem to get past it and I don’t know what to do. I never imagine my DS would be an only child and I know he would just adore a sibling.

DP says he made this decision as I was pressuring him to know yes or no to another (which I was tbf, but I had been waiting over 2 years for an answer and it was killing me) so part of me now wonders if he could ever change his mind or if this decision is really how he feels.

I hate what this is doing to us and I don’t really know what to do or how to get past this. I feel guilty for continuing to bring this up and I don’t want to blame him but I can’t help feeling that I’m going to end up resenting him for this.

Anyone been in the same situation? AIBU?

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws

I really feel for you OP, and angry on your behalf. Your DP sound selfish beyond measure and is refusing to take responsibility for his own actions in wooing a very much younger woman, whose natural needs he is now refusing to fulfil, after lying by omission for years. Get a sperm donor, get pregnant, tell him the child is his, the fucking selfish twat.

What utter tripe and pathetic.

I understand OP

It took me well over a year to convince my DH to try for a second baby - he was adamant he only wanted one.

For that year I was so upset, not only grieving for the second baby I wouldn’t have but also the sibling my current child wouldn’t have. It was a horrid time.

Eventually though I did get him to change his mind.

If he’d never have agreed I wouldn’t have left him....but I do think that resentment would always be festering.....I’m not sure I could ever fully forgive the fact that I was being denied something I do badly wanted.

Get a sperm donor, get pregnant, tell him the child is his, the fucking selfish twat.

I don’t think she needs to. The birth control they’ve used, though it’s worked for the last 5 years, isn’t known to be the most reliable.

You ask will he change his mind.. is that fair? Will you change your mind?

Yes it's cruel to let you hope for another 2-3 years - you could have been over the worst by now without the same sense of resentment. He always was 12 years older than you - did he think that would change.

Does he know how resentful you feel about this dillydallying? Have you reminded him how he convinced you years ago that the age gap would make no difference? Surely he must understand your feelings can't just be switched on and off. I really feel annoyed with him - and I don't even know him.

I'd really be questioning this relationship if I were you. You don't want to wake up in 10 years time and realise you're with a much older, very selfish man whom you've wasted the best years of your life on.

The fact that he hasn't bothered to ask you to marry you, despite having a child with you, doesn't want another child but expects you to take hormonal contraceptives, and has fobbed you off about the issue for 2 years makes him sound very selfish and just out for himself. He must have been aware, when getting together with a woman much younger than himself, that she would have wanted a family.

What I'm trying to say is that he sounds as though he doesn't care about making you happy, just keeping you happy enough not to leave him and the life that suits him best. I think he is benefitting from this relationship more than you. And if he hasn't got his finances in order to have more than one child by his early forties, then he isn't ever going to.

The fact that he hasn't bothered to ask you to marry you, despite having a child with you, doesn't want another child but expects you to take hormonal contraceptives, and has fobbed you off about the issue for 2 years makes him sound very selfish and just out for himself. He must have been aware, when getting together with a woman much younger than himself, that she would have wanted a family.

Yes to this! He's got the best of your relationship, one child, a younger girlfriend and no contraception worries.

I'm afraid the age gap may be playing a huge part here.

Get out and find yourself someone your own age, you'll always regret not having another child.

Your long term problem is his inability to face serious conversations until its a big issue that's forced on him. From the sound of it, he's known for years he didn't want a 2nd child. So he's said whatever he has to to avoid telling you this, as he knew it would upset you.

You need to be clear that behaviour is unacceptable, you need to be able to trust him. From now on, you'll be second guessing everything he says, not believing he's going to do something he said he would until it happens. If he can't be honest about this, what else is he hiding from you? Is he telling you the truth or what you want to hear to avoid having the argument now.

I couldn't live like that. I wouldn't marry him soon, give yourself time to get over this upset and decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. As the higher earner with a school aged dc, you are in a strong position if you do decide you don't want this. Dont allow yourself to be made busy by wedding planning so you can't spend time thinking about what you really want.

@lioncitygirl

So he just bought time by not giving you an answer for two years, then when he finally did he was two years older so that became a factor too? Wow.

I agree with this.

Personally I couldn’t forgive a partner for making me believe we would have more than one child before we even started trying for children...then leaving me hanging on and then saying no when first child was 5!!!!

I just couldn’t get over this betrayal, and I would resent him.

Having children is a wonderful blessing and I would also resent my partner for depriving me of having another.

@Bythemillpond

I was trying to point out that it was an impossible situation. Some one is not going to be happy and even if it isn’t something that has been considered at the moment in time the resentment would grow. If one person wants another child and the other doesn’t then the relationship can’t last. If the person who doesn’t want another child holds all the cards then it isn’t an equal relationship

Agree with this also. I don’t see how a relationship can continue in these circs.

I completely understand where you’re coming from, I think your DP has been quite selfish. Of course, he’s completely within his rights to not have another child, however saying that he isn’t ready to talk about it for 3 years and stringing you along is self. Also, he needs to take responsibility for contraception, he’s the one who doesn’t want a child so he should either use a condom or get the ship. It baffles me that he was happy to have unprotected sex with you when he didn’t want a child.

We had DS via IVF / ICSI when I was 38 and DH 47. We tried again twice but were unsuccessful. We were devastated, but came to terms with it through necessity as, at 40, I wasn't producing enough eggs, although the main issue was on his side. DS is 21 next week, I am 59 and self-employed and DH is 68, still working as an academic. We are young and fit for our ages, and have a great relationship with DS. I still wish that we could have given him a sibling. your DH's age should not be the barrier he may think and you are still young.

I don't know if it is relevant, but a lot of women who don't want to have further children also struggle with that decision, so I would be hesitant to break up a family over feeling broody and wanting more kids. Not having any more children is absolutely the right choice for me, but it still isn't easy one because I LOVE babies. But I can't be pregnant again safely. DH has had the snip, and I still feel sad sometimes and imagine what our life would be like.

@billy1966

OP,

You were 22 and struggled with the age difference, which is large, but he convinced you that it was fine.

This has indeed bitten you on the arse.

He doesn't handle stress, he doesn't like his job and he has finally told the truth that he doesn't want a second, despite it having been clear from you that you would like two.

You also write that he is a negative person.

So many negatives.

I think you should focus utterly on what you want from YOUR future.

I think you may hugely regret being convinced by him all those years ago.

I think he sounds like a very selfish self serving man.

Start thinking very hard about YOU and what YOU want.

You have time to make a better life with someone less miserable and less selfish.

I agree with this.

I also feel having a child is not the commitment many women seem to think it is.

Far too many men are happy to walk away from their children, there are threads on here all the time showing this.

But as OP already has one child, she needs to do a lot of thinking.

OP, you were very young when you met your DP. To me that seems like quite a power imbalance in the relationship.

It is time now to think about what you want, after being strung along. I bet he knew a long time ago he wasn't interested in a second child, even before you even started asking about this 2 years ago. Yet now he's using age as a reason not to have a second child. I don't think he's the good man you seem to think he is.

It's very very difficult. I am in a very similar situation. my partner is older, my son is nearly 6. We had the 'do you want kids?' convo early in our relationship but i realise now i assumed plural and he didn't. I have shed a lot of tears but have slowly come to terms with accepting the positives of the life we have. I decided it was more important to keep the family unit we have rather than throw it away in the hope of having another baby.I am sorry you are going through this too.
If you're on facebook, I can recommend the group 'my first my last my everything'. It has given me a lot of support.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I know I have a lot to think about and this has helped. A lot of the time I feel I am over reacting and this thread has helped me see I am not, and he really has been out of order how he’s gone about this. I know I need to put myself first now and think about what will make me happy, so I can be the best mother possible to my DS, who is ofc my priority.
I don’t want to leave DP and split up my family, I want him/and us to be happy - that’s the ideal. But time will tell and I know I have options to take control of my own life.
tiredybear sorry to hear you’re going through this too, it’s a truly horrible situation. Thanks I will have a look at that Facebook group.

Please please make it clear that contraception needs to be something that he thinks about from now on. It is so so out of order to expect you to take hormonal contraceptives for the next however many years to prevent a pregnancy only he doesn't want.

You have a child. I assume your child is healthy? Be grateful for what you have.

You could have another child that is disabled which would be hard work for you and affect your existing child's life.

There is no guarantee your existing child and new one would get on. I don't get on with my sibling and never have. There will be quite an age gap between them so may well not really get on.

Your OH has obviously realised that children are hard work and not all fun and happy times. If you have another it will quite likely be the end of your relationship for various reasons.

If you love him you would be pretty stupid to throw everything away when you can't even be sure that you would meet someone else.

Oh and your mother's opinion counts for nothing. She is not the one having the children is she?

I hate it when people say if you have one child "be grateful for what you have" 🙄

Wanting another child does not mean you aren't grateful for your current children!!

It took me well over a year to convince my DH to try for a second baby - he was adamant he only wanted one

Eventually though I did get him to change his

Wow I wonder how mn would react if it were a man saying this about his partner?

And to the op and everyone saying he is selfish and strung you along purposely to 'buy time'.... if that were true, why in the name of God would you be even considering spending another second with a person that you believe is purposefully dragging this out just to hurt you and be selfish...?

Is there no way possible anyone can believe this man has his own mind and couldn't decide if he wanted them or not?

Oh and also my 2nd child has a heart defect. Does that mean I regret having her and should've just been grateful for having 1 child?

Absolutely fucking not. So your post is pointless.

I think you need to try and let it go. My second son was stillborn, I almost died when he was born and I was told it would be tantamount to suicide to attempt another pregnancy. I mourned the family I wanted for a while but I made my peace with it and put my energies into the child I had and my career.

Life rarely turns out the way we want it to.

I hate it when people say if you have one child "be grateful for what you have" 🙄

Wanting another child does not mean you aren't grateful for your current children!!*

This. I hate this too. It’s like when someone who seemingly has everything suffers from depression and someone tells them there’s no reason for them to be depressed because there are ‘people worse off’. It’s not helpful or kind, we all have our personal battles, and similarity our own wants and needs. My son is my world and I am grateful for him every single day. My want for a second child does not take away from that for a second! And saying they might not get on? Well they might? He’s incredibly loving and kind and asks me when I am getting “a baby in my tummy” every day.

I also have never said nor do I think that DP has done anything malicious or deliberate to hurt me. But that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been selfish in how he’s gone about this.

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws

I really feel for you OP, and angry on your behalf. Your DP sound selfish beyond measure and is refusing to take responsibility for his own actions in wooing a very much younger woman, whose natural needs he is now refusing to fulfil, after lying by omission for years. Get a sperm donor, get pregnant, tell him the child is his, the fucking selfish twat.

Wow, how old are you? You sound like a 6 year old to be honest. "wooing a very much younger woman"!!! FFS

OP knew what the age difference was when she chose to be with him and to have a baby with him.

Having a second child does not, for me, constitute a natural need. She has a child. She says she has strong maternal urges but she might have them after 2m children, after 3 children, 4 children. When would she call an end to wanting "just one more".

Advising someone to "get a sperm donor, get pregnant" is childish and irresponsible.

Being undecided about bringing a life into the world is not selfish. It's a huge decision and although you knew right away you wanted it,he didn't.