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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset did i overreact?

179 replies

Confused543 · 29/01/2021 19:10

Me and DP were watching Gypsy (series) and theres a scene where she playfully slaps her partners face and says "dont go to my fucking coffee shop". Its meant to be really dark and psychological but for some reason it set us off and we laughed about it. That was yesterday.

So just now I gave DP a light slap (and I did make sure it was light) and said to him "dont go to my fucking coffee shop". Then he slapped me back surprisingly hard. I pulled back and said "ow that hurt" and he did it again! I dont know what happened but it really shocked me and I started crying. Now we arent talking. I feel like a dick. But it also created a weird feeling in me.

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 29/01/2021 21:22

"It's really confusing because I definitely feel that your second sentence is what has happened over time. But I cant seem to accept that the first sentence is true.
He does lots of nice things for me and is generally a really nice person."

Like others have said, abuse isnt normally 100pc of the relationship. Is it because its emotional abuse rather than physical abuse that you can't accept he is abusive? If someone only beat you one day a fortnight would that make it ok because the other 93% of the time they were lovely?

ElliFAntspoo · 29/01/2021 21:23

So there's a coupe that hit eachother because they both think its funny. At what point do people start saying this is not a healthy environment for children to be in?

KilljoysDutch · 29/01/2021 21:24

Jesus christ. For the amount of people on MN with degrees and jobs earning 100k+ very few of you can fucking READ!

Shame you seem to be one of them since you felt the need to make up your own descriptions on how hard the slaps were?

Pootle40 · 29/01/2021 21:26

@Confused543

Sorry will read comments just wanted to say I went back in again and sat in the couch. I said "look I'm just saying it upset me and it was probably more shock. I don't want you to get all upset about this [normally if we have the smallest argument or divergence he will then shut down for days acting wounded]". He said "I'm not annoyed" whilst staring at his phone. I said "well you clearly are. Why when I'm telling you hurt me, even if by accident, are you annoyed with me?" He said "I'm not annoyed with you, I'm just annoyed. I cant control that". I said (gently) "you can control it". Then I put my arms around him and hugged him but he didnt hug me back. We picked at some food whilst continuing to watch an episode. I rubbed his back just to show some affection and help us move on but he ignored me again. It's really frustrating when he does this. I dont know what's going on in his head, he never explains things.
This is emotional abuse.
WaltzingBetty · 29/01/2021 21:27

@chesterdrawsneedsgonetoday

*@WaltzingBetty* Where did I project 'my own feelings'? I'm pretty sure personal opinions are allowed if that's alright with you? What with this being a discussion thread and all.

I don't know what outcome the OP wants either but common sense would indicate to me that your 'non-projected''non-opinion' 'entirely fact-based reporting' that described her 'stomping off' after her partner slapped her twice and then sulked and ignored her, is neither constructive nor helpful to achieving any productive outcome.

When you jumped to the conclusion about me minimising his actions and led straight into going on about very socially unaware people on the thread?! Hmm You had no business to accuse me of minimising his actions when I did nothing of the sort and it was rude of you to imply I was being socially unaware. I'm not sure why you quoted me to try to illustrate your point when there are actually other people who did minimise what he did. Perhaps you made a mistake in quoting me. I can't presume to apply common sense to what outcome the OP wants because I don't recognise any common sense in the whole slapping thing anyway - so why would I think common sense might come into play now... honestly, it's such a ridiculous situation and if it's typical of the relationship I just don't see the point in it.

Anyway - if you read my other posts instead of just trying to pick holes in bits of them, I think you'd realise that we don't actually disagree about the whole situation. I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve by picking arguments and being patronising to me, but I'm sure it's not constructive or helpful either. I mean no ill will to you at all and have no interest in an argument, I just can't accept you picking at me for inaccurate reasons.

I quoted you because you projecting that the op had 'stomped off' and blaming her behaviour when he had apparently 'acceoted her joke' illustrated my point exactly. You also accepted that he thought her joke was funny when his behaviour and actions clearly demonstrated otherwise, and made snide remarks about the OP stomping off. I corrected you. If you don't like it or cannot understand it then 🤷‍♀️

But then you do seem to be struggling with understanding....

LesCuriousCat · 29/01/2021 21:29

Don't pander to him. You spoke to him about it. He said it's ok yet he's acting off. Let him get on with it. Personally I'd go and watch it by myself in the bedroom.

WaltzingBetty · 29/01/2021 21:30

[quote Confused543]@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken
Are you aware that the silent treatment is abusive behaviour? To try and 'train's you into never bringing up behaviour that he doesn't like?

It's really confusing because I definitely feel that your second sentence is what has happened over time. But I cant seem to accept that the first sentence is true.
He does lots of nice things for me and is generally a really nice person.[/quote]
He won't see himself as abusive either OP. He's possibly not even deliberately seeking to upset you. But he's repeating this behaviour because it works. It means he goes unchallenged and you work super hard to regain his affection. It's a strategy that makes his life easier.

At best it's utterly thoughtless and dismissive of your feelings. At worst it's actively abusive and manipulative.

chesterdrawsneedsgonetoday · 29/01/2021 21:30

🙄 stop being rude and abusive by insulting my intelligence or ability to understand

No I do not think that anyone slapping anyone else on the face is a joke and I cannot fathom why the OP saw it as such.

I think they were both twats. But I think there's something sinister about his reaction.

Ok? You can't find something in that to be rude about can you? Ffs.

StressedTired · 29/01/2021 21:32

You tapped him lightly (by the sounds of it), he slapped you twice hard, and now he's behaving in such a way as to make you apologise and grovel to make him feel better. Alarm bells are ringing!
Next time he'll hit you unprovoked, then tell you it's your fault and you'll apologise again. And so on.
This is not a healthy relationship and you should be giving serious consideration to leaving.

Techway · 29/01/2021 21:34

Op, he can control his feelings as they are a result of his thoughts...he is annoyed because?? Fill in the blanks...... my guess is you raised his behaviour and he doesn't think you should correct him. His ego can't stand having to apologise. Failure to say sorry and take accountability is a red flag.

The must important thing a couple can do is resolve conflict in a healthy way. If you don't or can't do this then the relationship usually becomes very toxic as issues just build. Over time more areas arise for conflict such as finances and children so the toxicity, resentment and exhaustion grows. I really wish I had known this.

Annabell80 · 29/01/2021 21:36

What do you mean by a weird feeling?
You did start it and it sounds like he was also messing around but got it wrong, especially if he thought you were play acting.
I have read your updates and it sounds like a totally different relationship to what you described initially.
Anyway you don't sound a good match if this is usual behaviour I'm wondering why you're still together.

Bellofbelfastcity · 29/01/2021 21:40

I wouldn’t be with anyone who slapped me.

You’re both as bad as each other and it’s a crappy relationship.

GabriellaMontez · 29/01/2021 21:41

Has he EVER apologised to you about anything? Does he ever say genuinely "sorry I got that wrong" ? I cant believe the 2nd slap. Was he pissed?

He sounds like a sulky teenage wanker.

It doesnt look like you have children. Just leave. You can find better. Abusive? I dunno... but certainly a bell end.

Tumblebugsjump · 29/01/2021 21:42

Ugh don't know how you can stand to be with someone so emotionally closed off, he sounds very immature. Slapping you twice was completely out of order and so is sulking about it after.

Original poster
Confused543 · 29/01/2021 21:44

@WaltzingBetty
*He's possibly not even deliberately seeking to upset you. But he's repeating this behaviour because it works. It means he goes unchallenged and you work super hard to regain his affection. It's a strategy that makes his life easier.

At best it's utterly thoughtless and dismissive of your feelings. At worst it's actively abusive and manipulative.*

Thank you that really gives me food for thought

OP posts:
hobbyiscodefordogging · 29/01/2021 21:48

Slapping him was stupid and I don't really buy into it when people say "it was just a tap".

Him slapping you back was a stupid reaction.

But the second slap... either he's testing what you'll put up with or he felt he hadn't "punished" you enough for his perceived humiliation with the first slap so had to hit you a bit harder the next time. Either way, it's bad news.

And now he's playing the sulking card and you're pandering to him. You think you can fix him and his temper with your softly, softly, tender loving care approach. You won't.

That this has happened now is not a bad thing, because it's shown you who he is before he really hurts you and you can do something about it. But I can see that you might find this a bad thing too, as no one wants to make what feels like difficult decisions about the future of their relationship. Give yourself some time to think. Ignore the sulking in the meantime.

Hont1986 · 29/01/2021 21:48

You heard it here first: someone gets slapped, then they're the abusive one because well, the slapper just feels so bad for what they did and it was only a tap and it was only a joke and can't they just get over it already?

Unreal that people would still think this way on a predominantly women's forum.

Original poster
Confused543 · 29/01/2021 21:49

Just to clarify, he definitely didn't slap me hard across the face. But it was harder than mine.

So I tried to talk to him casually about a different topic and he wasnt engaging. Then I just stopped and said "I'm not playing this game with you".

He then started talking to me again about 10 minutes later. Hes never done that before so that's good. But I will need to think about things. Probably the crying was about a deeper feeling. It's funny a PP asked does he ever say sorry, because before I read that it occured to me I have never heard him say the word sorry to me before.

I've had a long day so am going to hit the hay now and reflect on it tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused543 · 29/01/2021 21:51

@hobbyiscodefordogging

Thank you. Those are wise words.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 29/01/2021 21:57

[quote Confused543]@WaltzingBetty
*He's possibly not even deliberately seeking to upset you. But he's repeating this behaviour because it works. It means he goes unchallenged and you work super hard to regain his affection. It's a strategy that makes his life easier.

At best it's utterly thoughtless and dismissive of your feelings. At worst it's actively abusive and manipulative.*

Thank you that really gives me food for thought[/quote]
Yes. Don’t stay with a man like this. And I don’t say that because of the slapping itself (though it’s a really good example of that gut-punch feeling you will have had countless times, I imagine).

A man who sees you cry at something they’ve just done and isn’t moved to out their arms around you and say ‘oh god. Sorry. Didn’t mean to hurt you, are you ok?’ isn’t someone you should stay with, have your children with.

Yes he’s abusive, a man you describe as ‘always being in the wrong even when you’re right’ with? Yes, abusive!

Five years isn’t really that long.

Not a good man. Be honest, you know that, don’t you? He’s not a kind or nice man.

Picktionary · 29/01/2021 21:59

He sounds like a horrible and difficult person to be around.

I disagree with everyone saying you were wrong to playfully "slap" him. It was clearly a joke. I cant believe he hurt you back... twice.

He sounds like a sulky manchild.

Try to ignore people on the thread trying to belittle you. Flowers

Enough4me · 29/01/2021 22:03

OP you are doing the right thing stepping back and assessing this. Make sure you are clear in communications, boundaries and expectations. If you find yourself questioning future situations start to write them down (e.g. Evernote app). Take in the bigger picture.

GabriellaMontez · 29/01/2021 22:05

@techway is absolutely right. I also wish I'd known this.

The must important thing a couple can do is resolve conflict in a healthy way. If you don't or can't do this then the relationship usually becomes very toxic as issues just build. Over time more areas arise for conflict such as finances and children so the toxicity, resentment and exhaustion grows. I really wish I had known this.

BuntysTwinkle · 29/01/2021 22:09

Both as bad as each other

No, she was making a joke they'd both found funny, and he hit her hard twice. Very different. But abusive men everywhere will thank you for helping with the narrative that they are equally bad.

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2021 22:42

@BuntysTwinkle

Both as bad as each other

No, she was making a joke they'd both found funny, and he hit her hard twice. Very different. But abusive men everywhere will thank you for helping with the narrative that they are equally bad.

Oh calm down even she didn’t say he hit her hard. For good ness sake.