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Original poster

So upset did i overreact?

179 replies

Confused543 · 29/01/2021 19:10

Me and DP were watching Gypsy (series) and theres a scene where she playfully slaps her partners face and says "dont go to my fucking coffee shop". Its meant to be really dark and psychological but for some reason it set us off and we laughed about it. That was yesterday.

So just now I gave DP a light slap (and I did make sure it was light) and said to him "dont go to my fucking coffee shop". Then he slapped me back surprisingly hard. I pulled back and said "ow that hurt" and he did it again! I dont know what happened but it really shocked me and I started crying. Now we arent talking. I feel like a dick. But it also created a weird feeling in me.

OP posts:
chesterdrawsneedsgonetoday · 29/01/2021 20:30

@TheChip

It sounds like he has already moved on and you're not happy about it

This.

You were upset he hurt you and you felt stupid that your joke backfired and he didn't seem to find it funny.

Now he's said he didn't mean it and that your joke was funny.... and you've stomped off pissed off again..?

What do you want to happen, OP?

WaltzingBetty · 29/01/2021 20:34

@Backupthebus

You’re stating something as fact when all we have is one persons view.
As opposed to every other thread on MN... In which case why are you here?
Meowchickameowmeow · 29/01/2021 20:37

*She playfully tapped him on the face (imagine a cat pawing at something) once.

He then full on slapped her across the face, then whe she said "ow" he laughed and then slapped her harder*

Were you there?

Hont1986 · 29/01/2021 20:37

[quote Confused543]@Bluntness100

No, he doesnt treat me badly. But he does have form for acting the victim. So in this situation if the roles were reversed I would be like "oh shit I'm sorry if I hurt you! I must have misjudged! I really didnt mean to". Instead he just stomped off for a fag in a sulk and now I need to go and essentially apologise for crying.[/quote]
So if the roles were reversed, if your husband 'playfully slapped' you out of nowhere, then took the hump when you retaliated, you would be apologizing to him?!

Eeeemac · 29/01/2021 20:37

So you slapped him first and now your writing that he is probably going to act 'wounded and pissy'?

If you were male and posted that you had slapped your girlfriend first and now she was probably going to act 'wounded and pissy' I wonder how it would sound?

WaltzingBetty · 29/01/2021 20:38

Now he's said he didn't mean it and that your joke was funny.... and you've stomped off pissed off again..?

Because a normal response to someone's funny joke is not to slap them twice, hard enough to shock them into crying, storm off and sulk because they're crying, ignore them until they apologise for crying and dismiss your own reaction to their joke.

He clearly didn't think the joke was funny. Because his actions don't align with the actions of an amused person. He's minimising his own actions. And so are you.

Either there are some really socially unaware people on this thread, or some people who are super-keen to make excuses for multiple slaps and sulking.

WaltzingBetty · 29/01/2021 20:41

And the fact this is a pattern of behaviour from the bloke and he has form for never apologising, sulking and silent treatment.

Oh yeah. He sounds like a lovely, emotionally aware bloke
Hmm

toocold54 · 29/01/2021 20:42

I think you are being a bit sensitive here.
You playfully slapped him and then he carried on the joke.

I don’t think he genuinely meant to hurt you and by making a big deal out of it at the time I get why he’s being a bit huffy.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong here.

EatingAllTheCookies · 29/01/2021 20:42

Joke or not if I was slapped whether by surprise or not, I'd without a doubt slap back. And probably hard.
A, its a reaction
B. it was ingrained in me growing up if someone hits you hit back twice as hard. As well as many other things

Thankfully it's never come to that.

Original poster
Confused543 · 29/01/2021 20:42

Sorry will read comments just wanted to say I went back in again and sat in the couch. I said "look I'm just saying it upset me and it was probably more shock. I don't want you to get all upset about this [normally if we have the smallest argument or divergence he will then shut down for days acting wounded]". He said "I'm not annoyed" whilst staring at his phone. I said "well you clearly are. Why when I'm telling you hurt me, even if by accident, are you annoyed with me?" He said "I'm not annoyed with you, I'm just annoyed. I cant control that". I said (gently) "you can control it". Then I put my arms around him and hugged him but he didnt hug me back. We picked at some food whilst continuing to watch an episode. I rubbed his back just to show some affection and help us move on but he ignored me again. It's really frustrating when he does this. I dont know what's going on in his head, he never explains things.

OP posts:
SeahorseoramI · 29/01/2021 20:42

I don't think he realised it hurt me
He did. You told him.

I think it was utterly stupid behaviour and my children would be in their rooms without electronics if they did similar. BUT read back all your posts when you describe his behaviour. He doesnt sound like a good adult, op. Dont have children with him atm.

rwalker · 29/01/2021 20:45

Draw a line and move on you both misjudged the situation he thought you were playing along and TBF slapping him would give him that impression .

delete this thread

chesterdrawsneedsgonetoday · 29/01/2021 20:45

What @WaltzingBetty ??

You've quoted me but I'm not minimising anything. I'm asking the OP what she wants to happen, it's really difficult from her posts to understand what outcome she wants.

Unlike you, I haven't projected my own feelings and opinions, I've just tried to play back to the OP what she was upset about and seemed to want to happen... because she then wasn't satisfied when she did get that response.

If I was to add my personal opinion, it's that it's an utterly ridiculous situation for adults to find themselves in, she made a poor choice to initiate it but and there's something sinister about the second slap - I think with his second slap he was testing her boundaries.

SeahorseoramI · 29/01/2021 20:45

Cross posted with your update. normally if we have the smallest argument or divergence he will then shut down for days acting wounded This is controlling behaviour.

Op, seriously, this isnt a good relationship. Dont settle for shit. Life is too short, but a miserable life with someone who cannot be an effective adult is long and hard.

suspiria777 · 29/01/2021 20:45

I don't think he realised it hurt me.

but he hit you again after you said that it hurt?

Imiss2019 · 29/01/2021 20:46

DS used to have a friend that would give gentle face slaps, usually when ds would t do things his way. They were only gentle taps and always done with a bit of a jokey giggle but fuck me did it give me the rage when i spotted it happening one day.

There’s something really degrading about face slapping even if it is just a “tap” or meant in jest.

I think actually neither of you meant to hurt the other and both of you have reacted the way you have because your both feeling defensive and stupid about your play slapping.

feistyoneyouare · 29/01/2021 20:47

OP, you're not the one who's been a dick here. I share the concerns of other posters over his 'shutdowns' too, I've experienced it myself and consider it a form of emotional abuse.

chesterdrawsneedsgonetoday · 29/01/2021 20:48

I've just read your update, your relationship sounds emotionally exhausting. Honestly, why bother?

AnitaB888 · 29/01/2021 20:50

'Once was tit-for-tat, twice is abusive.'

No. Absolutely no.

Slapping someone (lightly or not) is abuse. (unless you are into BDSM and then you have your own rules/boundaries..)

:Listen to your 'weird feeling' and act accordingly.

Meowchickameowmeow · 29/01/2021 20:50

He sounds like an absolute dick and you sound like you're afraid of him and spend a lot of time trying to placate him. None of this is healthy.

littlepeas · 29/01/2021 20:52

I think this is very dodgy and I am flabbergasted at the responses on here. At what point would his reaction become disproportionate? Where do you draw the line? He shouldn’t have hit her at all for any reason. It isn’t ok for women to hit either, obviously - I’m not excusing the initial slap - but it is a slippery slope to argue that it’s ok for a man to hit a woman.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 29/01/2021 20:52

Hi OP

The slapping thing does sound like something that just got out if hand, people over react sometimes and it can be hard when you're 'play fighting' because it's a very fine balance between 'funny' and 'a bit painful'.

But your updates don't sound great. You hit him once, he hit you twice, you apologised, he hasn't, but he is still the one ignoring you. And worse, this is 'normal' for him. Are you aware that the silent treatment is abusive behaviour? To try and 'train's you into never bringing up behaviour that he doesn't like?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 29/01/2021 20:53

@Meowchickameowmeow

He sounds like an absolute dick and you sound like you're afraid of him and spend a lot of time trying to placate him. None of this is healthy.
This. Forget all the rubbish about the slapping-this is all that matters and he won't change-dump his sorry arse before you waste any more of your life on him. Controlling sulkers don't change
WaltzingBetty · 29/01/2021 20:55

@chesterdrawsneedsgonetoday

What *@WaltzingBetty* ??

You've quoted me but I'm not minimising anything. I'm asking the OP what she wants to happen, it's really difficult from her posts to understand what outcome she wants.

Unlike you, I haven't projected my own feelings and opinions, I've just tried to play back to the OP what she was upset about and seemed to want to happen... because she then wasn't satisfied when she did get that response.

If I was to add my personal opinion, it's that it's an utterly ridiculous situation for adults to find themselves in, she made a poor choice to initiate it but and there's something sinister about the second slap - I think with his second slap he was testing her boundaries.

@chesterdrawsneedsgonetoday

Where did I project 'my own feelings'?
I'm pretty sure personal opinions are allowed if that's alright with you? What with this being a discussion thread and all.Confused

I don't know what outcome the OP wants either but common sense would indicate to me that your 'non-projected''non-opinion' 'entirely fact-based reporting' that described her 'stomping off' after her partner slapped her twice and then sulked and ignored her, is neither constructive nor helpful to achieving any productive outcome.

FourDecades · 29/01/2021 20:58

@Confused543

Sorry will read comments just wanted to say I went back in again and sat in the couch. I said "look I'm just saying it upset me and it was probably more shock. I don't want you to get all upset about this [normally if we have the smallest argument or divergence he will then shut down for days acting wounded]". He said "I'm not annoyed" whilst staring at his phone. I said "well you clearly are. Why when I'm telling you hurt me, even if by accident, are you annoyed with me?" He said "I'm not annoyed with you, I'm just annoyed. I cant control that". I said (gently) "you can control it". Then I put my arms around him and hugged him but he didnt hug me back. We picked at some food whilst continuing to watch an episode. I rubbed his back just to show some affection and help us move on but he ignored me again. It's really frustrating when he does this. I dont know what's going on in his head, he never explains things.
You're grovelling for positive interaction. You're not going to get it until he deems you worthy of it.

Stop grovelling and let him sulk.

My XH was like this. He'd sulk and give the silent treatment until he decided l was worthy of his time again.

It made for a stressful home as l was always trying to keep him happy so he wouldn't give me the silent treatment.

I'm so glad he met the OW and left me