So upset did i overreact?

[Confused543]

Me and DP were watching Gypsy (series) and theres a scene where she playfully slaps her partners face and says "dont go to my fucking coffee shop". Its meant to be really dark and psychological but for some reason it set us off and we laughed about it. That was yesterday.

So just now I gave DP a light slap (and I did make sure it was light) and said to him "dont go to my fucking coffee shop". Then he slapped me back surprisingly hard. I pulled back and said "ow that hurt" and he did it again! I dont know what happened but it really shocked me and I started crying. Now we arent talking. I feel like a dick. But it also created a weird feeling in me.

Don't apologise for crying !!! Say to him. I was joking, it was acting out something we both watched and laughed about and you slapped me quite hard back twice. .... STOP APOLOGISING FOR THINGS YOU HAVEN'T DONE WRONG.

I agree with Fuzzymoon

I think this episode is a symptom of a bigger problem here -

[normally if we have the smallest argument or divergence he will then shut down for days acting wounded]

which is a form of abuse known as 'stonewalling' - please take note OP as this won't improve - I've been there.

@PotteringAlong

So you slapped him as a joke, he slapped you as a joke and now you’re both in the huff?

Don’t slap people!

This.

Slapping is never funny.

''It was just a tap'' ...no, a hit is a hit.

So you "joked" and slapped him, so he "joked" and slapped you back , you said ow, he thought you were "joking" and did it again. You cried and he stormed off.......ooohhh how you both must have laughed!

Take it as a lesson, it never ends as a joke once you start hitting people, joking or not.

I rubbed his back just to show some affection and help us move on but he ignored me again. ... I dont know what's going on in his head,

I do. He's sulking. You annoyed him, you're sorry, and now he can spin it out for hours. An expert sulker can keep it going for days. How much of your life do you want to waste on this?

I won’t give my opinion on the initial slap and slap back as there’s been enough opinions on both sides and I don’t think it’s relevant, but his read toon is pathetic. You’ve tried to apologise (twice!!) and him not at all, he definitely owes you an apology-slapping you twice is disgusting). He’s a pathetic sulking dick head OP. I hope you’re ok x

After your update I actually think you’re both as bad as each other.

You made a joke, he responded and you’ve made a big drama out of it and I feel like you both actually enjoy this back and forth dramatic game.

I don’t understand why it’s dragging on still. He’s either genuinely annoyed that you made it out like he hurt you on purpose or he’s loving you begging after him.

Go in there say I have apologised for over reacting but it hurt so I would have appreciated you stopping and apologising but if you want to carry on like this I’m not going to play into it and ill leave you to it.

I think you should go downstairs and apologise for starting it but also say to him what you have said here.

You will be able to tell from his reaction whether your gut is right. He is your partner of five years, there shouldn't be anything you can't talk to him about. If you can't talk to him about this then that speaks volumes.

Also just don't slap people, joke or not.

Continued sulking is a control thing. He's trying to blame his hurting you twice on you, and to punish you he is ignoring you.
Seeing he does this for other things, not just for when you hit him first it's his way of shutting you down and controling you.

Sorry littlepeas, ignore my comment above, I misread your post competely, apologies

@thinkingaboutLangCleg

I rubbed his back just to show some affection and help us move on but he ignored me again. ... I dont know what's going on in his head,

I do. He's sulking. You annoyed him, you're sorry, and now he can spin it out for hours. An expert sulker can keep it going for days. How much of your life do you want to waste on this?

Hmm...Sulkers are grim.

He should have accepted an explanation with good grace and apologised for hitting too.

My Ex husband sulked.

It is probably a thing learned in childhood. ''Expert sulker''...the thought of that makes me cringe.

Cold blooded sulking. Urgh!

Is this typical of the relationship (not the slapping part)?
It doesn’t sound very fun.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

You are talking such bollocks-she was acting out a funny scene they had both watched together-a little misguidedly-yes, but she's not trying to excuse having hit her partner in anger! She was acting out what she thought was going to be a harmless in-joke and wasn't expecting an actual assault in return. Can you not see that?

What should come out of this is violence is not funny.
And people are excusing the OP's behaviour is that it was a joke.

Fripp I've asked mumsnet to delete my comment as actually I misread the comment I was quoting, apologies

Hi,

I know exactly what you need to do. I’m going to share it with you, for free. This works in all sorts of different scenarios so ladies, feel free to take note too.

Grab a coffee mug (it can be any mug, so long as it’s suitable for coffee but not one of those silly little ones), grab it by the handle, walk up to your man and just whack him full pelt around the chops and just say “don’t ever even think about entering a my shoppy coff” and I guarantee he’ll back down immediately.

Kind regards

@Confused543
Grow up,
How old are you both?

Like back at school kind of behaviour.😕

Maybe your slap hurt more than you intended. But it was a daft thing to do. Are you twelve.

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken
Are you aware that the silent treatment is abusive behaviour? To try and 'train's you into never bringing up behaviour that he doesn't like?

It's really confusing because I definitely feel that your second sentence is what has happened over time. But I cant seem to accept that the first sentence is true.
He does lots of nice things for me and is generally a really nice person.

How is he a really nice person when he is frequently giving you the silent treatment? He doesn't sound nice at all.

@WaltzingBetty
Where did I project 'my own feelings'?
I'm pretty sure personal opinions are allowed if that's alright with you? What with this being a discussion thread and all.

I don't know what outcome the OP wants either but common sense would indicate to me that your 'non-projected''non-opinion' 'entirely fact-based reporting' that described her 'stomping off' after her partner slapped her twice and then sulked and ignored her, is neither constructive nor helpful to achieving any productive outcome.

When you jumped to the conclusion about me minimising his actions and led straight into going on about very socially unaware people on the thread?! You had no business to accuse me of minimising his actions when I did nothing of the sort and it was rude of you to imply I was being socially unaware. I'm not sure why you quoted me to try to illustrate your point when there are actually other people who did minimise what he did. Perhaps you made a mistake in quoting me. I can't presume to apply common sense to what outcome the OP wants because I don't recognise any common sense in the whole slapping thing anyway - so why would I think common sense might come into play now... honestly, it's such a ridiculous situation and if it's typical of the relationship I just don't see the point in it.

Anyway - if you read my other posts instead of just trying to pick holes in bits of them, I think you'd realise that we don't actually disagree about the whole situation. I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve by picking arguments and being patronising to me, but I'm sure it's not constructive or helpful either. I mean no ill will to you at all and have no interest in an argument, I just can't accept you picking at me for inaccurate reasons.

[quote Confused543]@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken
Are you aware that the silent treatment is abusive behaviour? To try and 'train's you into never bringing up behaviour that he doesn't like?

It's really confusing because I definitely feel that your second sentence is what has happened over time. But I cant seem to accept that the first sentence is true.
He does lots of nice things for me and is generally a really nice person.[/quote]
Of course he does nice things, all abusers have a nice side or no one would ever get involved with them at all.
Some are more abusive than others, but silent treatment and trying to control the way you behave/react is still abuse even if it only happens 5% of the time not 99%

normally if we have the smallest argument or divergence he will then shut down for days acting wounded

You realise you're in a rubbish relationship, yes? Emotionally exhausting, probably from both sides at this point as this has become 'normal' behaviour. It's not normal or healthy. At all.

Do you have / want kids? If so it's especially important you consider if this kind of walking on eggshells, sulky environment is fair to add a child to. You have a choice, they don't / wouldn't.

In this instance. You're both to blame. He overreacted and shouldn't have done what he did. But you shouldn't have started it.

[quote Confused543]@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken
Are you aware that the silent treatment is abusive behaviour? To try and 'train's you into never bringing up behaviour that he doesn't like?

It's really confusing because I definitely feel that your second sentence is what has happened over time. But I cant seem to accept that the first sentence is true.
He does lots of nice things for me and is generally a really nice person.[/quote]
You don't have to accept he's an abuser. He might not be. But you are both in an unhealthy relationship. This isn't a normal or healthy dynamic at all. Even taking the slap incident out of the equation!