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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
Catchingfire123 · 29/01/2021 13:36

I’m sorry, it’s so incredibly rude of people to say you will regret not having children it always annoys me!

Just for the record I do have children but I do have some friends who have decided not to have children and we have discussed previously.

Pros: she has lots of spare money, goes on amazing holidays precovid and has very nice lifestyle. She loves playing with my children but handing them back is the best but she says 😂
She loves going out for meals and having nights away / travelling. I sometimes envy how easy she makes it all look. Does have a partner but they never wanted kids (it was a choice) and they spend lots of time together but equally both have girls / boys weekends away.

Cons: she does tend to over work and work late as there isn’t much else for her to focus on. A lot of friends have had children and aren’t as available in our 20s.
Her sibling has also not decided to have children so her parents were a bit upset they wouldn’t have grandchildren.
It worries her if her partner dies who would she have to rely on, there isn’t any family to help as she gets older, no nieces or nephews.

Overall if your gut is saying no to kids stick to your guns, if you change your mind that’s also acceptable.

Only thing I would add is if you have a partner or looking for one. It’s better to be up front about this stuff in advance.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 29/01/2021 13:50

How much older did you have in mind?

Im 53, very happy to not have children Smile

AbstractHeart · 29/01/2021 14:01

As this is a parenting forum you're likely to get a lot of irrelevant or biased responses. I recommend posting this on a relevant subreddit instead, such as r/fencesitter

possumgoddess · 29/01/2021 15:09

As someone who has children and would never want to be without them......

Pros -
you don't have to look after the children
You don't have to pay for things for the children
you don't have to deal with the noise of the children
You don't have to cook clean clear up after the children
You don't have to be responsible for the children or their behaviour
You won't ever have to look after grandchildren
Your time is your own
Your money is your own
And lots more!!!!!

Cons -
You won't have anyone to look after you in your old age (if you're lucky),
You won't have a reason for being fat and wearing maternity clothes
This is the biggy..... You won't ever experience the unconditional love of a child and (if you are lucky and are a good mum) have this continue until you die.

I didn't choose to have children and would have been very happy without them, but now I do have them I am thankful for them every day.

Thingsdogetbetter · 29/01/2021 15:22

Childfree at 52. I can list many pros, and not single con.

Oh wait, sometimes I have nothing to contribute when my parents friends are complaining about lack of sleep, teenage hormones, paying for kids' university fees etc etc Grin

supercee · 29/01/2021 15:43

@AbstractHeart While it might be called Mumsnet there are plenty of non-parenting boards on here, it's not just a parenting forum.

I feel the same as you do OP, I'm 39. I've found that my parent friends always seem to take it as a personal insult when I say I don't want kids or that 'I haven't met the right person' yet. I like kids, my Goddaughter is amazing but I don't envy my parent pals at all.

Asdf12345 · 29/01/2021 15:47

Pros - piles of cash compared to mates with equivalent incomes and kids

Cons - old age care possibly. Unless I retire and move back to where I grew up before my parents get frail I will be six hours away and unable to help.

Guardsman18 · 29/01/2021 15:47

I do love my children - honestly but when I see my childless friends on the beach over Christmas and New Year in far away places, I do feel envious!

Notadramallama · 29/01/2021 15:55

43 and childfree and I honestly can't think of a single con.

poppyzbrite4 · 29/01/2021 16:01

Depends on lifestyles OP.

For me:
I travel twice a year (pandemic allowing) for sometimes up to six weeks at a time. Usually about three weeks. I've been to over 40 countries and lived/ worked in two.

My time is my own.
My house is my own. I decorate it how I want. Don't have to worry about grubby fingers/stains/spillages.
Bills are cheaper
Outgoings are cheaper - don't have to buy clothes or food for children
Don't have to work around school hours or holidays
Don't have the worry of being responsible for another person
More freedom in relationships.
More freedom in your social life. No worries about staying out all night, taking a spontaneous trip at the weekend, having a hangover.

I don't see any pros.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 29/01/2021 16:19

The benefits are way too numerous for me to list.

The negatives? Can't think of any.

CounsellorTroi · 29/01/2021 16:22

I didn't choose not to have children but at 59 I don't really see any cons. Lockdown has not been a huge issue for us. We are quite happy spending time together and not seeing anyone else. And so glad we don't have to do home schooling.

BashfulClam · 29/01/2021 16:30

The only thing that worries me is dying and not being found fur a while as I have no having family to check on me. If I did have kids I’d not want them to have to care for me.

Aprilx · 29/01/2021 16:33

I am 50, I didn’t choose to be child free but I also did not make much of an effort to have children. In that it didn’t happen naturally and I never pursued treatment, or even tried to monitor my cycle / ovulation.

Pros: I have travelled widely, lived on three continents, paid off the mortgage (no family money, just our earnings), have taken breaks from the workforce, nice holidays in good hotels and flying business / first class. Never had the worries and sometimes challenges that I assume come with being a parent and which I have read quite a lot of on MN.

Cons: I sometimes wonder what my alternative life would have been like, some curiosity about what my children might have been like.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 29/01/2021 16:41

That's such a stupid comment - not from you OP, but from others!

Because I don't want to is more than enough. I have 4, but just because I made that choice doesn't mean I can't understand others who made another one.

And I don't like children by the way [grin. ] I like and love MY kids, I have no attraction or interest for other people's children. Never understood people cooing over random babies. I like some of my kids friends as individuals, not because they are kids as such (if that makes sense).

Pros without children: freedom.
You can make all your decision around what YOU like, what works for YOU, what you want to achieve and where you want to go. You are not responsible for someone else and have to put them first (or at least take them into account).

Not feeling guilty or worried you are not doing the right thing must be quite pleasant too!

Pity the people who are so insecure that they think you need children to accomplish what they have always failed to achieve themselves.

slashlover · 29/01/2021 16:55

You won't have anyone to look after you in your old age (if you're lucky)

I hate that comment. I've had that said to me and if I had kids then I wouldn't want them to look after me, I'd want them to live their own life.

This is the biggy..... You won't ever experience the unconditional love of a child and (if you are lucky and are a good mum) have this continue until you die.

Also wont experience a teenager screaming at me or the people posting on here that their toddler hates them and prefers daddy/the teacher.

LillyFlower1984 · 29/01/2021 17:15

You won't have anyone to look after you in your old age (if you're lucky)

People post this assuming that this will happen... I can think of people who are NC with their children because of fall out or those who have had disabled children.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 17:25

I’m 55 with 3 children...
.was never that fussed about having children......they just happened really.....I could list many pros and also cons about having children...l.but The thing about asking people without children to list the cons is...
.... they have never experienced the absolute joy that children bring into your lives ( well mine anyway and I’m sure most other parents) ....that lioness love....,,,and that same joy that I’m now experiencing with my 3 grandchildren...... and however many more grandchildren I’m lucky enough to be blessed with.....they’ve never felt that massive pride.....so I guess what you’ve never had you never miss...... so childless people by choice will always say there are no or few cons.

Marinaloves · 29/01/2021 17:28

Yeah the won’t have anyone to look after you is weird

CounsellorTroi · 29/01/2021 17:30

There is absolutely no guarantee that any children you have will give a shit about you when you are old. As anyone who works in a care home will tell you.

SittinOnTheDockOfTheBay · 29/01/2021 17:47

They're only cute until they are about 10. Then they become smelly and temperamental.

corythatwas · 29/01/2021 17:56

I do have children (adult) so not really the person you were looking for

What I would say, though, is that your relationship/closeness/geographical closeness to adult children is so unpredictable that the only sensible reason to have children is because you think you would like to parent them while they are little. The rest is very far away and may depend on all sorts of factors that may be out of the control of either of you. And your relationship with them would almost certainly depend on whether they felt you have enjoyed being their parent and had found it worthwhile.

idloveapie · 29/01/2021 18:02

Posts about joy, pride etc assume that the child will bring joy. I seem to have brought nothing but disappointment to my parents despite my best efforts and was treated as an inconvenient, embarrassing pain in the arse and a consumer of household resources that could have been spent better elsewhere.

Lesson: don't have kids if you don't want to spend time and money on them or tolerate their questions, noise, the limitations on your freedom and person, and the fact that they might not grow up into the people you imagined they would be.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 18:10

@idloveapie

Posts about joy, pride etc assume that the child will bring joy. I seem to have brought nothing but disappointment to my parents despite my best efforts and was treated as an inconvenient, embarrassing pain in the arse and a consumer of household resources that could have been spent better elsewhere.

Lesson: don't have kids if you don't want to spend time and money on them or tolerate their questions, noise, the limitations on your freedom and person, and the fact that they might not grow up into the people you imagined they would be.

Do you have children?
Schmooopy · 29/01/2021 18:22

48, no DCs, by circumstance rather than anything else. I was almost 40 when I met DH and he didn't want kids. I was fairly ambivalent so we didn't.

We've travelled and holidayed a lot, both have time and space to pursue our hobbies etc, and we both like peace and quiet. I find kids generally quite irritating, some of my friends children I really like but that's because I find their personalities appealing, and they tend to be a bit older and able to converse properly. I can't bear the age where the answer to every question is"poopoohead!!'.

I'm planning to retire earlyish which none of my friends will be able to do as they'll be supporting teenagers, uni etc.

Right now with everything going on I'm very thankful I didn't have children, both for practical reasons and also because I would worry I think about what life is going to be like for them in the next 10, 20, 30 years, I think the pandemic and Brexit has done so much damage that will take a long long time to fix.

I do occasionally think about old age, but like PPs have said who knows if your kids will like you, look after you or move to the other side of the world! I'm making sure I'll be in a position to afford decent care if DH goes before me and I can't manage alone.