Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

I have kids. Always wanted them, but waited as long as possible as wanted to enjoy child free years. ( just so you know where I’m coming from!)

I’d say that - truthfully - I would’ve been very happy remaining child free.
Having kids is exhausting and can be tedious. A recent study found that people without kids tend to be happier with their lives. ( and lots of my friends with kids agree that study sounds right!) it’s not the be all and end all.

Having said that, I have enjoyed being a parent far more than I realised. They bring so much joy and are great fun.

60, child free

Never felt any urge to have children, quite the reverse. DH said he was happy either way.

I've thought a lot about this and am happy with my decision. If the population were shrinking, I might feel it my duty to reproduce but its really, demonstrably not shrinking

Honestly it's the pressure from society (you will be sorry, you will never feel unconditional love, you will be lonely in old age) that reassures me: if having children were such an unalloyed pleasure, there would be no need for that pressure.

It is 100% your choice and I have a lot of friends who don't want kids - more actually than friends who do. They just don't feel a need to do it, like the extra income, and enjoy the freedom - and a lot of my female friends want to progress in their careers.

I have always been someone who's wanted kids. I always wanted a big family and was an only child until I was 9 and always wished I had brothers and sisters.

I guess on that side of it, I was in hospital recently with sepsis and the woman in the next bed was talking to the nurses and saying her husband couldn't come visit her and they didn't have any help. She said they never wanted kids and it was ok when they were young but now they were older they didn't have any help and their social connections were fewer and further between. There was another lady on the ward with six children who came to visit her every day and I guess that was a contrast I noticed - having that care and support around you.

I never wanted to have children myself, and am completely happy with that decision (in my 60s now). But I lived with three children, and their mother, from when the youngest was seven and I was 22, for 14 years. I am still in close contact with two of them, and although I did find them challenging, it was a real privilege to have that relationship. I've also spent lots of time with other friends' DCs - I do generally like children and enjoy their company. But not full time! And reading threads on MN about very troubled and out of control teens makes me shudder.

My DP has three wonderful DCs, all in their 40s, and there are now three brilliant DGCs.

So, rather a long post, but the short answer is, I have loved/do love having children in my life, and am completely happy not to have had my own.

I agree with @possumgoddess

This is the biggy..... You won't ever experience the unconditional love of a child and (if you are lucky and are a good mum) have this continue until you die

To me the rest is just details. If you read this and think “I don’t need that” then stay child free (it’s much less expensive!).

I'm a doctor in geriatrics and it's heartbreaking when I have to call somebody's next of kin, and it is the manager of their care home. It happens quite often.

Of course this can happen if you have children too, but it's very common in people with no children.

I don't think this should be somebody's main reason to have them, but is definitely is a con of not having them.

People often believe they will have friends or neighbours, but quite often these peter away in people's final years or just have their own families and circumstances to think about, or they have died themselves. It has been particularly sad this past year.

There are pros and cons to having children (and to any other big life decision) and to say there are only cons is a bit shortsighted.

I have 2 children. I love them. I really do. Every decision I make now puts them first.

I see no cons in not having children and loads and loads of pros.

I don't even see not having anyone to look after you in older age as an issue, after all you might have had a much healthier lifestyle and be more affluent to be able to pay for care.

I'm childfree too, and I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents (massive caveat - IF you have a good relationship with and actually do love your parents!!)

I'm very lucky to have a fantastic close family, and I love my parents and siblings unconditionally. The thought of anything happening to them is horrifying. I don't always like some things they say or do, but always love them. I imagine the love I would have for a child would be similar but maybe more amplified, but do people feel like it's a completely different love?

I wish people would stop assuming that having children automatically mean they will look after you in old age. More often than not it doesn't happen. They move away, or they just don't want to. It is completely the wrong reason to have children.

I have told DD that if I become a burden I don't want to be a burden on her, and she has to get me into a care home.

Sadly, I see a lot of cons in having children, and I have two. Unconditional love is not a given and seeing them have very difficult lives that I can't fix (SEN) is very painful. My life is now incredibly limited and the stress of it all has made me very ill and put my marriage under terrible strain. I love them but it is all just terribly difficult and the society in which we live in does not support families like ours.

I am in my mid 60's and childless. I never really thought about children because I was always too busy working. I was never broody. I looked at children as a hindrance to my lifestyle really. I don't really like babies at all. I was 40 when I met my husband and having kids never came into the equation, but it may not have been possible anyway.
I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and now, great nieces and nephews. Knowing the trouble my siblings have had with some of their children, both health wise and emotionally, I am not envious of them one bit. They are also a constant financial drain, even though they are adults.
The benefits to me are that I had a full and interesting working life, having worked constantly from leaving school at 17 until retirement at 58. We are now in a position to travel and indulge our various interests and hobbies, which we were doing a lot until covid struck. We are free agents, and I like that.
Anyone who has children hoping for their care and companionship in old age is barking up the wrong tree. I know quite a few people who despised their parents and couldn't get far enough away from them.

Not having to deal with the mum/ mum-in-law blame game.

It has reached ridiculous heights.

I’m 58, no kids, and have no regrets.

I am a Social Worker exclusively with older adults, some have families, some don't.

I cannot think of a single negative to not having children. And I can think of billion negatives with having them.

I very much doubt people who don't want children regret not having them.

With most things in life I think it better to regret doing something than to regret not doing it. Children is the only exception I can think of for this- to have children and regret it is awful.

I don't think it's about expecting care, it's about having the occasional visitor, phonecall, video call, etc. Somebody to give you their news and to hear yours. Just to feel connected to somebody in some way.

I wouldn't want my daughter wiping my arse either- it's not about that. But I hope she'll call me for a chat, visit sometimes, send photos of the grandchildren, include me in family birthdays or other get togethers.

My great grandfather is poorly and with dementia, and seeing photos of his great granddaughter, and hearing about the rest of his family are what he lives for- he can no longer do any of the things he used to enjoy. He's the last of his siblings and has been for 10 years. Parents long dead, all of his friends are dead, his wife dies 7 years ago, and his family are his whole life. Even from a distance. I see the same in patients.

It's not about direct care, it's about having people who you have a connection with. That might be friends or neighbours, but it's much more likely with children and potentially their children in the last years of someone's life.

As I say- not a reason in and of itself to have children, but if you do have children, that's a huge pro.

@Pencil8888

I'm childfree too, and I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents (massive caveat - IF you have a good relationship with and actually do love your parents!!)

I'm very lucky to have a fantastic close family, and I love my parents and siblings unconditionally. The thought of anything happening to them is horrifying. I don't always like some things they say or do, but always love them. I imagine the love I would have for a child would be similar but maybe more amplified, but do people feel like it's a completely different love?

It’s a very different love....don’t get me wrong....I love my mum to pieces....see her lots...love being with her.....but the love I feel for my kids is on a different level......i don’t own them .....they don’t belong to me....but they are mine and I see myself in all 3 of them in different ways. I would kill for them and I would die for them ( and I don’t care if people think that’s melodramatic ....that is how it is)......don’t get me wrong ....they have all been little shits over the years.....but the joy has been watching them grow and mature into their adult selves....and them being whoever they want to be.......in short....my children are my greatest achievement ....and I have had a rich fulfilling life

I’m 50, and happily childfree by choice.

Positives :
More freedom & independence.
More money.
Holidays in term time.
No worries or stress about children.
Basically, complete absence of everything anyone has ever moaned about on MN as the downsides of being a parent.

Negatives :
None whatsoever.
I always knew that I didn’t want to be a parent, and the decision has been a completely positive one for me. Absolutely no regrets whatsoever .

@LAgeDeRaisin
Don’t you have friends to call!
I don’t have kids, I have tonnes of friends a lot of them younger!!!
If I was that sad that I thought the only people who would call me in my old age were children then I’d be a pretty tragic figure

This thread is very interesting OP thanks for starting it.

Like another rooster pointed out hose without children, myself included, ave no idea what it's like to have children. Therefore I honestly think it's only going to be useful to hear from those who HAVE had children.

Not because those without are in any way invalidated because of it, just that those with kids can tell you life with AND without them so I feel really is the only way you'll get to hear both sides really.

If your gut feeling is that you don’t want to have children, for heaven’s sake - listen to it!

People really are so rude. It’s nobody’s business but yours. There are many, many truly enjoyable pros to being child-free.

I do have DC, and I guess for me in my later years, it’s the adult relationships we will have.

My parents had both died by the time I’d hit my early 40s, so I’m more aware than anyone that there are no guarantees.

But I’m close to my aunt, and everyone (obviously incl her DC (my cousins) and families) comes and goes from her house - even though we don’t all live in the same city. Everyone enjoys each other’s company, there’s lots of laughs and sharing of good times when we get together, which is relatively often.

I think - if I’m lucky enough to get a good innings - that having my adult children in my life will be a real joy in my older years.

Dunno, mother keeps telling me I’ll be lonely, but I wouldn’t want children to feel obliged to keep me company and what if they moved away, like me and my brother did, one of us to the opposite side of the world?

As we get older, we can sell up and move to where we want, we have the money to do what we want, we don’t need to worry about others.

I don’t think having children is particularly important (I have 3)

I think having “family”, whether by birth or friendship, is very important. Especially younger family as you get older and friends/spouse aren’t around.

I have a childless and single uncle in his 70s who lives far away, but has become an adopted grandfather to another family. The joy that this has brought to his life, the Christmas visits and holidays, and the care when he is sick, is lovely to see.

I know too many lonely people in their 80s in my street. You don’t have to have kids to avoid that though, it just takes a bit more planning.

[quote Marinaloves]@LAgeDeRaisin
Don’t you have friends to call!
I don’t have kids, I have tonnes of friends a lot of them younger!!!
If I was that sad that I thought the only people who would call me in my old age were children then I’d be a pretty tragic figure[/quote]
I’m sure she has friends to call...but friends are not family.....and they never will be.....I think you are very unkind to call someone a saddo on the presumption that they don’t have friends.....if you had children.....you would have taught them to be kind to others.....this is obviously a lesson you have not yet learnt yourself.

I have lots of friends- but I'm not expecting them to definitely be around if I'm lucky enough to grow old. I'm just saying when people get to be very very old and in care, sometimes their friends have either died or are also poorly and not in a position to visit.

If you have family, it's more likely that you will have somebody to love you and to love back in your later years.

@LAgeDeRaisin

I have lots of friends- but I'm not expecting them to definitely be around if I'm lucky enough to grow old. I'm just saying when people get to be very very old and in care, sometimes their friends have either died or are also poorly and not in a position to visit.

If you have family, it's more likely that you will have somebody to love you and to love back in your later years.

100% this ^