Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

I have children therefore not sure I'm the right person to comment, however, I have worked with the elderly, some of which were child free, either by choice or just never married.

There seems to be a concern with not having people to care for you in old age.
The majority of childless clients had more visitors etc from nieces, nephews and even ex-neighbours who they had clearly doted on throughout their lives, than the clients who had children.
Private care would probably be more affordable to those who haven't had children and been able to establish careers/ pension pots for themselves.

Not having children gives you an enormous freedom, something I've only just realised now that the business of raising babies has calmed down. Yes, children become less dependant but the ties are still their until they reach 16/18.

I love my children of course, but if I had my time again I probably wouldn't have any.

@LAgeDeRaisin

I'm a doctor in geriatrics and it's heartbreaking when I have to call somebody's next of kin, and it is the manager of their care home. It happens quite often.

Of course this can happen if you have children too, but it's very common in people with no children.

I don't think this should be somebody's main reason to have them, but is definitely is a con of not having them.

People often believe they will have friends or neighbours, but quite often these peter away in people's final years or just have their own families and circumstances to think about, or they have died themselves. It has been particularly sad this past year.

There are pros and cons to having children (and to any other big life decision) and to say there are only cons is a bit shortsighted.

I don’t doubt it, but this is really not a good enough reason to have children.

@partyatthepalace I said that too, paragraph 3 of 5.

The ties that bind a close and loving family just are different from friends. And I say this as someone who has lovely friends as long as (or very nearly!) I’ve had my family.

@Pencil8888

I'm childfree too, and I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents (massive caveat - IF you have a good relationship with and actually do love your parents!!)

I'm very lucky to have a fantastic close family, and I love my parents and siblings unconditionally. The thought of anything happening to them is horrifying. I don't always like some things they say or do, but always love them. I imagine the love I would have for a child would be similar but maybe more amplified, but do people feel like it's a completely different love?

Totally agree that it’s a very different love. Loving “upwards” to your parents is less intense than loving “downwards” to your children. I don’t know how else to explain it.

I don’t think I’m a particularly good parent so the doubt I feel isn’t good for my mental health BUT the little ways your kids can amaze you with their love or humour is really something else. Personally I think becoming a parent broadens your perspective, your skills, your emotions and your sense of being in a very unique way. My kids teach me to be better every day.

My parents had me later in life so a lot of their friends were child free. They have great lives which I find fascinating. Often great properties in fantastic locations. They ended up buying them when their careers were still rocketing and no kids to pay for. Great hobbies, great figures.

According to my mum, the only 'cons' her friends have sometimes mentioned are the worries about what will happen when their partner dies (on their minds much more in early 70s), thoughts of death in general (as a parent you stop caring about it so much as so focused on your children being ok), finding it hard to keep up with what is happening with young people and how life is changing/always feeling connected with the rest of the world, questioning the point of everything they do once they get to a certain age, worries about what to do with all their possessions when they die. Generally they say they are still happy with their choices.

I have noticed that the tend to get quite obsessional about things (often fitness).

I think it's quite disingenuous to suggest there's no downsides to remaining childfree.

Every lifestyle choice will have its advantages and disadvantages.

Like another rooster pointed out hose without children, myself included, ave no idea what it's like to have children. Therefore I honestly think it's only going to be useful to hear from those who HAVE had children.

Not because those without are in any way invalidated because of it, just that those with kids can tell you life with AND without them so I feel really is the only way you'll get to hear both sides really.

I don't agree. People with children know about life before children, but they don't know about life without children. It's not the same.

@formerbabe

I think it's quite disingenuous to suggest there's no downsides to remaining childfree.

Every lifestyle choice will have its advantages and disadvantages.

I haven’t found any yet, but I will let you know if I do.

I wouldn’t hold my breath, though, if I were you....

People often believe they will have friends or neighbours, but quite often these peter away in people's final years or just have their own families and circumstances to think about, or they have died themselves. It has been particularly sad this past year.

^ that x 100 in terms of having a happy third age.

The unconditional love you feel for your children and they feel for you is what makes everything worthy.

For us, we worry about what will happen to our animals if we suddenly die. But then, there’s is no guarantee that kids would know or even care about them or us.

That’s it.

@formerbabe

I think it's quite disingenuous to suggest there's no downsides to remaining childfree.

Every lifestyle choice will have its advantages and disadvantages.

How is it disingenuous?

There are some hostile comments on this post.....all from the ‘child free’ posters I note..... wonder why this is? ....whereas those with children
seem quite happy to acknowledge both pros and cons...... strange 🤔

Pros - you have made the correct decision for your life, based on your own gut feeling and personal choices

Cons - you MAY regret the decision in later life, in the exact same way that everyone regrets decisions all the time though

I didn't want dc due to an abusive childhood. Dh didn't want them either/was happy to go with what I wanted. Got to 40 and much therapy later the why? became a why not? Had dd at 41 and sadly ended up with both an abusive dh and dd who've both in turn tried to push me to commit suicide for a £100k life assurance - which is now cancelled.

Looking back I can see both pros and cons. There are things I would've missed out on had I not had dd and having her meant I missed out on things, too. Notably a 4th career as a psychotherapist.

How is it disingenuous?

@poppyzbrite4

Because it's just not true. There's pros and cons to every decision. Now a person who is childfree by choice will have decided that the pros of remaining childfree outweigh the cons...but don't pretend that there's no downsides whatsoever. I have dc but I can tell you there's plenty of downsides to that too . Both are valid choices and you have to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages based on what important to you.

Me and my husband have talked about this. We've decided that Wel TTC but if it dosent happen then it dosent happen and Wel live our life childless travelling the world first class with all the money we've saved

I haven’t found any yet, but I will let you know if I do

I wouldn’t hold my breath, though, if I were you

@agelikewine

You've made the choice that's right for you..but don't pretend that there's absolutely no advantages to having children...ok, they weren't enough to sway you but they still exist.

@formerbabe

How is it disingenuous?

@poppyzbrite4

Because it's just not true. There's pros and cons to every decision. Now a person who is childfree by choice will have decided that the pros of remaining childfree outweigh the cons...but don't pretend that there's no downsides whatsoever. I have dc but I can tell you there's plenty of downsides to that too . Both are valid choices and you have to weigh up the advantages and disadvantages based on what important to you.

It's a very personal decision. It's not disingenuous to say, I enjoy my own life and wouldn't change it with children. How can you possibly tell someone else that that is wrong and disingenuous?

I have no children. I don't want children. I never have wanted children. I see no negatives in my life to not having children and I am old enough to know my own mind.

Please don't tell me that I have no idea what I'm talking about or that I'm being somehow deceitful.

@poppyzbrite4

Yes you made the choice that's best for you and are happy with which is great. But please don't pretend there's no positive aspect of parenthood...ok its not enough to convince you but everything has an up and a down side

As someone that tried for years to have children (and do now have dc), I realise now that it's not the be all and end all of life. Nothing is guaranteed - they may not love you, they may not stay in touch, they may have additional needs which means that the life you imagined for them will never happen - and it would be totally possible for me to have a fulfilling life without my dc. I couldn't see that at the time because I was consumed with fertility treatments and just wanted to reach the goal of children.

I did have them and I don't regret them at all but people generally don't once they're here do they?

To those that say that friends are not the same as family when you get older, I do think there is a laziness (not in an insulting way!) about people with family in terms of maintaining friendships. I have a large family and so essentially have ready made friends. A friend of mine is an only child and she is much more proactive in maintaining friendships than me so maybe childless people are the same in old age.

[quote formerbabe]@poppyzbrite4

Yes you made the choice that's best for you and are happy with which is great. But please don't pretend there's no positive aspect of parenthood...ok its not enough to convince you but everything has an up and a down side[/quote]
I'm not saying that there aren't advantages to having children for someone else, just not for me. I see no advantages for me. You can't tell people who have chosen not to have children and are happy with that decision, that they are being disingenuous.

48 and childless by circumstance.

Pros - the travel, the money saved, the spontaneity, the freedom. I don’t really think there are any cons apart from losing some friends when they become parents and their priorities change.

A wise woman once advised me to make friends of different ages and at different stages in life. I have friends who are mums, who are childless, and from the ages of 24 to 78. As long as these women are in my life it will continue to be full and fulsome.

I have no interest in being a parent, giving birth, being around children, making sacrifices for children etc. The ultimate benefit is the fact I don’t have children. But here are some of the other ones:

• My finances aren’t affected by children
• My relationship hasn’t been affected by children
• My freedom hasn’t been affected by children
• My body hasn’t been affected by children
• My career hasn’t been affected by children
• Most nights I get a good amount of sleep and am never sleep deprived
• I never have to worry about childcare
• When I get home from work, I have the evening to enjoy myself, rather than trying to do homework, bathing the children etc
• My partner and I can make spontaneous plans like going out for dinner, to the cinema, weekends away (well before covid anyway lol)
• My house is how I want it and isn’t filled with toys
• I don’t have to deal with tantrums or a stroppy teenager

For me, there are no negatives.
To me (and I’m speaking for myself here, not others) there are no positives to having children. Even the ‘cute parts’ people mention seem horrible to me, like the thought of snuggles with a child or holding my newborn makes my skin crawl.

Worked in psychiatric hospitals with children for 10 years and met so many poor kids who would have been better off without their parents. I love kids, am close to some of my cousins/friends, but didnt want my own and at 55 have never regretted it.

Pros - My life is about me and what I want to do. A lot of parents live like this, but in my opinion when you have a child it shouldnt be.
When I mess up or dont cope well, I havent messed up anyone elses life.
I have had time to travel, live overseas, pursue hobbies etc etc. I once sat in a big group of friends to hear all the husbands holding forth about their hobbies, while every wife/mother was running around looking after the kids.
I didnt have to put up with the systemic inequality that means women do the vast majority of child care.
I have had plenty of opportunity to experience the unconditional love of chidren - and got to give them back when they were being a pain.
If you are in a relationship, it is all about each other, no need to balance.

Cons. You get judged constantly, people assume you are cold, bitchy, selfish (none of this applies to men who dont have kids of course).
People (particularly other women) honestly believe you cannot possibly be fulfilled and are in some way not fully a woman because you didnt squeeze out a kid.
You may be lonely or have trouble coping in later life. But this can happen to anyone as there are plenty of families with estrangement.