Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

Massive Pro- you won’t absolutely destroy your vagina with a prolapse. I miss my pre baby self.

Bringing up kids is a hard slog but I'm looking forward to having adult dc...not because I want anyone to look after me but because I want a family around me. The happiest people I know are those with big, close families.

@mangoandraspberries

I agree with *@possumgoddess*

This is the biggy..... You won't ever experience the unconditional love of a child and (if you are lucky and are a good mum) have this continue until you die

To me the rest is just details. If you read this and think “I don’t need that” then stay child free (it’s much less expensive!).

How do you know that? You may not have it full time, but if you have relatives with children can they not love you unconditionally? I am sick of hearing this from people with children.

Hi @Seaair2 great discussion topic! Do you have a partner? I would make your feelings to know that them now / as and when you meet them.

Pros: more money, more time to yourself, you can do things at a drop of a hat, such as book a last minute weekend away or dinner out, holidays will be amazing, work is likely to flourish. You can still have relationships with children but “give them back”

Cons: if a lot of your friends have children you will find it harder to suddenly make plans with them. Suddenly it will be harder to have those girly holidays.
Getting older - who helps and looks after you? No children to look after your. You cannot expect your siblings / nieces and Nephews / friends to, as they may have families of their own

I have often heard people say that if you don't have children you will be lonely in your old age. I know many elderly and very elderly women and I completely disagree. I see how women who haven't had children have maintained wonderful friendships with others of all ages and that when they have been great Aunties, neighbours, godmothers etc then those people will be around for them in return because they enjoy each others company without complications.

@Kitkat151

There are some hostile comments on this post.....all from the ‘child free’ posters I note..... wonder why this is? ....whereas those with children seem quite happy to acknowledge both pros and cons...... strange 🤔

Yeah...

There's really no need for the rudeness to people with kids if you're happy with your life choices. If you know how happy you are, there's no need to be on the defence

Also, another who thinks saying there are NO cons to being child free isn't accurate. As a parent I can admit there are many cons to children- and I can admit this because I'm secure in my decision anyway.

@Catchingfire123

'Cons: she does tend to over work and work late as there isn’t much else for her to focus on.'

Wow. Typical patronising response from a parent. 😂

There's really no need for the rudeness to people with kids if you're happy with your life choices. If you know how happy you are, there's no need to be on the defence

It's hard not to be on the defensive when there are people telling you about this special and unique love you will never experience.

Also agree with pp that childless/free older people tend to put in more effort maintaining social networks as they get older than people with children do.

I haven’t seen any childfree posters being rude to people with children on this thread.

Although often when childfree people are asked why they’re childfree, if they mention any negatives about having kids, they’re accused of being rude

@sweatypie Likewise. Perhaps we should trust what other people are saying and not tell them that they are lying about their own lives.

We can't make sweeping assumptions and generalisations about other people's lives and choices.

The question was asking those who are older and childfree, what were the negatives and positives for them, in not having children. To tell people who are answering the question about their own lives, that they are being disingenuous is hostile.

And I don't like children by the way [grin. ] I like and love MY kids, I have no attraction or interest for other people's children.

I have this comment or similar dozens of times on this site. I have a toddler son and, of course, I love him but I also genuinely like and am interested in my NCT pals’ kids and kids of other friends.

I find this attitude so odd.

@CounsellorTroi

There's really no need for the rudeness to people with kids if you're happy with your life choices. If you know how happy you are, there's no need to be on the defence

It's hard not to be on the defensive when there are people telling you about this special and unique love you will never experience.

Also agree with pp that childless/free older people tend to put in more effort maintaining social networks as they get older than people with children do.

Absolutely! I have never been rude about anyones choice to have children and am truly happy for those of you who celebrate that choice. But the level of patronizing and put downs to those who do not have children is massive, and based on the idea that you have a knowledge about life that we dont and never can. Is it possible we do too? And that the choices are neither better or worse, or good or bad, just different? Mostly women who seem to do this unfortunately - the men I know who are fathers are a bit puzzled but dont feel the need to tell me my life is less good than theirs. Yes, there is a downside, yes, there are fewer people you can rely on when you get older. But none of those is a given.

I wanted kids but it didn’t happen. I wasn’t passionate enough to go through IVF . My view was ‘if it happens it happens’. I’m now 54 and post hysterectomy so it ain’t going to happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, I adore my nieces and nephews and these days I go up the park daily with my dog, she loves playing with bubbles and this attracts kids and I enjoy playing with them and my dog (with their parents nearby). But happy to hand them back!

I do feel for families. I think there’s a lot of pressure on kids t go to university. My nephew has always wanted the be a chef and got a place at Birmingham to do Hospitality but then decided to work his way up and my brother and his ex (my nephews mum) were in arms “oh how’s he going to open his own restaurant without a degree” and I’m laughing, as if Jamie Oliver etc went to uni! In my day if you wanted to do catering you went to the tech and did your city and Guilds!

It’s hard to buy a place now for young people. I’m a Londoner and have a decent flat but we’ve lived there since 1995, and couldn’t afford it now. Kind of related, my money’s mine, I don’t have to give kids a sizeable amount of money for a deposit.

And don’t get me started on Covid. I’m working pt at work and pt at home currently. Our WiFi’s not great and I can only work in the front room, it must be terrible for parents wfh and kids homeschooling, with all those meetings and lessons in the same room.

Definitely not rude to others with kids.... other people’s kids are going to be wiping my arse when I’m older!

@Seaair2

The word thing being a parent from personal experience and speaking to others..
The worry.

Worrying for their safety, physical and emotional.

It does not go away just because they are over 18!

This is the worst downside I can think of.

Having kids is the biggest gamble there is! Not being lonely in old age, surrounded by family etc., it all depends. You only have to read on here how many people are NC with parents, have inheritance disputes, fall out with siblings etc to know that it is certainly not a bankable assumption that children equal company and care in old age. Having had children I think it's a fairly equal balance of pros and cons. Most of which you don't realise until after you've had them! Particularly impact on relationships! But for me it was something I wanted to do. But never 100% sure that it would be the right decision

Edit: Worst not word thing.

@Pencil8888

I'm childfree too, and I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents (massive caveat - IF you have a good relationship with and actually do love your parents!!)

I'm very lucky to have a fantastic close family, and I love my parents and siblings unconditionally. The thought of anything happening to them is horrifying. I don't always like some things they say or do, but always love them. I imagine the love I would have for a child would be similar but maybe more amplified, but do people feel like it's a completely different love?

I only have 1 but pregnant with my second and it is very different, the love for you own child is so different to that to your siblings or parents.

I love my siblings and my parents but I cannot compare the love I feel for my very own child, the pride, the joy for the smallest achievements. Nobody will able to tell you what it feels like because it can only be felt, like most feelings.

I have friends who choose not to have babies or children and I would never question them. It's their decision and I can see why people choose not to have them.

The 2k bill of nursery fees that's coming our way whilst both are full time in nursery is one. I'm sure nobody would miss that 😅😂

@Kitkat151

I’m 55 with 3 children... .was never that fussed about having children......they just happened really.....I could list many pros and also cons about having children...l.but The thing about asking people without children to list the cons is... .... they have never experienced the absolute joy that children bring into your lives ( well mine anyway and I’m sure most other parents) ....that lioness love....,,,and that same joy that I’m now experiencing with my 3 grandchildren...... and however many more grandchildren I’m lucky enough to be blessed with.....they’ve never felt that massive pride.....so I guess what you’ve never had you never miss...... so childless people by choice will always say there are no or few cons.

I couldn't agree more - my children are pre-teen / young teen so not at the grandchild stage but the love you describe makes all the sleepless nights and lack of freedom worthwhile. That said, if you've never had it you won't know what you're missing, so you need to do what's right for you.

@Kitkat151

I’m 55 with 3 children... .was never that fussed about having children......they just happened really.....I could list many pros and also cons about having children...l.but The thing about asking people without children to list the cons is... .... they have never experienced the absolute joy that children bring into your lives ( well mine anyway and I’m sure most other parents) ....that lioness love....,,,and that same joy that I’m now experiencing with my 3 grandchildren...... and however many more grandchildren I’m lucky enough to be blessed with.....they’ve never felt that massive pride.....so I guess what you’ve never had you never miss...... so childless people by choice will always say there are no or few cons.

I'm not the right person to be responding to your question OP as I have children but, for me, the cons would be that you wouldn't experience the wonderful joy and love that @Kitkat151 describes.

I also completely agree with what @LAgeDeRaisin wrote earlier. I also have professional experience with older people and agree with what she says. It can be very sad and many older people are very isolated. Of course some elderly parents are not in touch with their children for whatever reason or the children live in abroad but those who are parents are much less likely to be alone in old age. Friends are wonderful but friends die or become unwell and don't tend to take on the same responsibilities as family members.

Overall, @Seaair2, it sounds as if you are making the right choice for you in not having children. I think you have to really want them to make the sacrifices seem worthwhile.

Cons: she does tend to over work and work late as there isn’t much else for her to focus on

Wow. Just because that applies to your friend doesn't mean it applies to others with no children. I have never overworked, or worked late in my life, and have plenty to focus on. I go to work to earn money to pay bills - that's the sole purpose, I certainly don't work to fill any gap in my (happily) child-free life.

I had my children in my 40’s so a lot of the pros of being childfree such as more money, holidays, social life I had already had in abundance.

For me the biggest drawback of being childfree was to one day be without ‘family’. My parents won’t live forever and I couldn’t imagine a life without any family.

I think if i got with a partner who had kids, then I would consider myself to be a good dad, as for having kids myself, I'm 50/50 I'd possibly want them, but it's the whole if they fall into the wrong crowd ect that would be one of my main concerns, I'd want them to achieve greatness and be successful.

I’ve got a disabled son aged 9 . He has autism adhd learning difficulties and challenging behaviours . Life hasn’t turned out as I had expected but I love him of course ( though I don’t like his behaviours )
It’s very sad as I now wish in the future he dies before me which sounds so awful . But I know he will always need me and he won’t be able to live independently so I will always want to be his advocate .
You never know when you have children what the future holds . I assumed as I didn’t smoke or drink whilst pregnant and took my vitamins I was guaranteed a ‘normal’ baby . Life is hard for the both of us and is greatly upsetting on a daily basis . My heart breaks for my son it really does . I would wave a magic wand for him in a heartbeat

@starsparkle08