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Original poster

Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

783 replies

Seaair2 · 29/01/2021 13:22

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

OP posts:
formerbabe · 29/01/2021 23:08

@GettingUntrapped

If you have children, unless you are very wealthy and can afford to outsource their care a but, your life becomes more limited than a lot of people realise. It's a burden putting others first for quite a long time. It can be a dead end for your own hopes and dreams. I have two.
Yep definitely
WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:08

formerbabe

Drugs, alcohol, stupidly expensive handbags or shoes, excessive amounts of food. Thinking something is nice or liking something is not an advantage. Advantage is a quantifiable benefit.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 23:09

@GettingUntrapped

If you have children, unless you are very wealthy and can afford to outsource their care a but, your life becomes more limited than a lot of people realise. It's a burden putting others first for quite a long time. It can be a dead end for your own hopes and dreams. I have two.
I am sorry you feel like this gettinguntrapped...... I have never seen my children as a burden.....a pain in the arse at times 😜.... but never a burden.....and I have never ‘outsourced their care’ .... apart from nursery. I have achieved things because of them not in spite of them.
GettingUntrapped · 29/01/2021 23:09

Sometimes I wonder if the fabled special and unique love is linked to the irreversible responsibility of being accountable for someone else.

Craftycorvid · 29/01/2021 23:11

Interesting thread! I’m mid 50s and have very grown up stepchildren (nearly as old as I am). I guess being voluntarily childless has affected every other life decision I’ve made for good or ill. I always ‘knew’ I would never have children - right from the get go when I worked out it was a choice, not a given. I can recall a lot of pressure in my 20s and people trying to tell me I’d regret it, and when I went through menopause I did have a brief sadness for the road not taken and the experience of having a child that I’d never know. It’s a very different experience not planning to have a child and saying you never had them. It really did feel very final. However, I have been in various roles in my life that mean I’ve given a lot of care and love to young people in difficult situations. I’m now a therapist so I suppose I could say I spend a lot of time nurturing inner children! I’m conscious that my decision to study for several degrees later than average, and to do my therapy training in my 40s would have been more complex with children to consider.

As to later life - well, any life stage - nothing at all is guaranteed. Very sadly, I know people permanently estranged from their adult children. My own lovely mum died alone - it was sudden and unexpected. The fact she had me in her life helped her in practical ways, and I’m glad of that. If I’m blessed with a long life, I expect to have to make some tough-minded decisions about how I live. I hope I am too interested in people and friendship to be lonely, but again, nothing is guaranteed.

Here and now, life is a blend of good and somewhat sad.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 23:15

@GettingUntrapped

Sometimes I wonder if the fabled special and unique love is linked to the irreversible responsibility of being accountable for someone else.
Of course it is.....and surely you would know that being a mother of 2..... but it’s not about being accountable for them it’s about caring for them, .....raising them to be good people.....worrying about them......you are right it will be there until the day I die.
formerbabe · 29/01/2021 23:20

Drugs, alcohol, stupidly expensive handbags or shoes, excessive amounts of food

Well I don't take drugs but I can see that some people take drugs for the temporary high. ditto alcohol. Food gives you a temporary feeling of pleasure. expensive shoes and bags have an aesthetic value. So whilst those choices also have downsides...health problems, criminality, cost,there are reasons why people like it.

As for kids, family life has some great moments. it's quite amazing to see what a person who is half you, half your partner looks like. Love. Fun times etc. ok, these things might not be enough of a draw for you but it's hardly beyond comprehension why some people want kids.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/01/2021 23:21

@WatchWatch

formerbabe

Genuinely, what are the advantages of having children? I cannot think of a single one, only disadvantages.

According to longevity research women with children live longer (and healthier lives) than women without, and those who have children later in life (even via ivf or adoption) are most likely to live to healthy ripe old ages. It’s possibly a mix of social factors such as wider family networks underpinning the loss of friend support networks in the over 70s, and the sense of purpose that brings.

Childless people can still have all of that in other ways - eg volunteering, joining clubs and groups and classes, going to church / temple / mosque. It just takes a bit more effort to nurture those relationships than just inviting everyone round for a weekly dinner lol

PillowSandwich · 29/01/2021 23:22

Look, the reality here is that having a child is an experience you can’t know unless you actually do it. It feels completely different to what it ‘looks’ like from outside. But so is choosing to remain childfree. Inaccurate stereotypes circulate about both — the drool-covered baby bore is just as insulting and unfair as the chilly, childfree careerist cliché.

In choosing not to have a child until I was 40, I got years of the selfish childless clichés, before then getting hit with all the maternal ones.

Neither set expressed anything like what it was like for me to be happily child free, or a parent. The one thing I feel very strongly is that I would have been equally happy either way. I’m delighted to have my son, but I would have led an equally but differently fulfilling existence had I chosen not to have him.

OP, obviously I’m not who you’re addressing your question to, as, after planning to stay child free till 39, I did have a child. He’s given me astonishing happiness. But I have a lot of close childfree friends in their 50s, and there’s nothing missing in their lives. Those are good lives.

WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:24

it's hardly beyond comprehension why some people want kids

I've said before wanting and advantages are not the same! Seeing what someone who is half you/ half your partner does not go on the pros list. It isn't a pro, it's a side effect of having children.

Its interesting you presume I'm child free though when I didn't state either way.

Kitkat151 · 29/01/2021 23:24

OP has gone awol😂😂

Updatemate · 29/01/2021 23:26

GrumpyHoonMain

Thank you. That is empirical advantage!

Costacoffeeplease · 29/01/2021 23:27

No negatives for me. Can’t think of a single one

55 and post-hysterectomy

WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:28

GrumpyHoonMain

Ooh yes, that's very clear.

I'd be interested in understanding if it's causation or correlation as you touch on. But yes that would come under a quantifiable pro!

formerbabe · 29/01/2021 23:28

@WatchWatch

it's hardly beyond comprehension why some people want kids

I've said before wanting and advantages are not the same! Seeing what someone who is half you/ half your partner does not go on the pros list. It isn't a pro, it's a side effect of having children.

Its interesting you presume I'm child free though when I didn't state either way.

Please show me where I presumed whether you have children or don't have them?

You seem determined to take offence

WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:30

Please show me where I presumed whether you have children or don't have them?

Well this:

ok, these things might not be enough of a draw for you but it's hardly beyond comprehension why some people want kids.

Seems pretty clear you don't think I have kids.

WatchWatch · 29/01/2021 23:32

And I'm not taking offence, what is there to take offence at? I'm saying there's a difference between reasons for wanting children or liking having them and advantages to having them.

formerbabe · 29/01/2021 23:33

@WatchWatch

Please show me where I presumed whether you have children or don't have them?

Well this:

ok, these things might not be enough of a draw for you but it's hardly beyond comprehension why some people want kids.

Seems pretty clear you don't think I have kids.

Well if you do have kids, I hope you don't let them know that they provide no quantifiable advantage to your life.
NothingIcando · 29/01/2021 23:33

raising them to be good people

This isn't a given either.

I have seen plenty of families torn apart because their children ended up going down a bad road despite being 'raised properly' .
My own mother cried and almost pulls her hair out now at 59...wondering what she did wrong as a mother for one of her children to be so cruel. It's so very sad.

My parents worry more now than they did when we were younger.
It's really not the dream some people with kids try to sell it as. 'Get pregnant have a cuddly baby..raise them to be good people and they'll come round to visit and care for you when you're older...have grandkids for you and itll be lovely'
Nope. No guarantee

RealisticSketch · 29/01/2021 23:34

I have children but think if I hadn't I would have been just as happy. Differently.
Having children had developed aspects of my character that I wouldn't have otherwise but also means my resources are more stretched and I have more concerns which I can't necessarily control. If I hadn't had any I would have had more freedom and holidays and made more of my career. Either life is enjoyable. Life offers so many ways to be happy I don't think it matters which you pick cos you'll never know the alternative. Sliding doors isn't it. 😊

formerbabe · 29/01/2021 23:35

@WatchWatch

And I'm not taking offence, what is there to take offence at? I'm saying there's a difference between reasons for wanting children or liking having them and advantages to having them.
Only if you see life purely in measurable terms. Emotions and love cannot be quantified but still exist
GrumpyHoonMain · 29/01/2021 23:36

@WatchWatch

GrumpyHoonMain

Ooh yes, that's very clear.

I'd be interested in understanding if it's causation or correlation as you touch on. But yes that would come under a quantifiable pro!

I personally think it’s probably the sense of purpose that makes the elderly live healthier lives. It’s no secret that the countries where grandparents are expected to do all or most childcare also have the highest life expectancies. Even India’s overall life expectancy is rising at a much faster rate than the UK / Europe / US because as medicine gets better and health knowledge improves people are growing older and healthier but still with their family support networks intact.
Megan2018 · 29/01/2021 23:36

I had no intention of having any, I was happy without until I was 40. I then had a last minute broody moment and had DD at 41.

I know I would have continued to be happy childfree but DD has brought me more joy than I could ever have imagined. She filled a void I didn’t know I had.

I have many happy childfree friends, the advantages are financial and freedom to be irresponsible and selfish (I don’t mean selfish as negative, but being able to put yourself first). I miss being self indulgent sometimes. There’s no negatives to being childfree by choice, it’s wonderful.

I have no regrets at all though about my last minute decision to have a child. I still have no interest in other people’s kids -but my DD is the best decision of my life and I can’t explain why.

NothingIcando · 29/01/2021 23:41

Either life is enjoyable. Life offers so many ways to be happy I don't think it matters which you pick cos you'll never know the alternative

This is exactly it. I'd never for a second presume just because someone has kids their life is less enjoyable than mine or anyone else's. It's just different.

I think thats why it bothers me so much that parents presume I have never felt a love as strong as a love for a child etc. You cant know that. We have different lives.

CounsellorTroi · 29/01/2021 23:41

@BoofyBoo

Errrr AugmentedToast ... I think we still very much live in a society where a woman is judged by her status as a wife and mother!
Yes we do.