Négatives / benefits to being childfree when you are older

[Seaair2]

I’m pretty sure I want to remain childfree - its not that I don’t like children but I just don’t think I want to be a full time parent. The responsibility, the worry, the lack of me time, I’ve just never felt like it’s for me. But people often make me question this, I’m just interested for those of you who are older and childfree - honestly what are thé benefits / negatives of being childfree? I think I decision / way of life is perfect, to choose one think means you can’t have another but just interested to hear peoples thought. So many people say, gosh no children you ll regret that!

This lady is just explaining what you might be missing out on

I for one (obviously I can't speak for everyone, imagine that!) don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I have love and joy in my life from different sources, that's enough and I'm content.
Would it be kind or thought of as 'just pointing out or explaining' if I said I pitied people whose lives were so empty they had to fill it with children just to feel some love and joy? Can you see how that wouldn't be welcomed or liked?

Personally, I think it's probably objectively a net negative for me to have had a child (though due to my emotional attachment to her I would never give her up).

But I find the responses here to people saying that very negative and defensive.

I drafted a long post about this which expanded on the surfing analogy but it appears to have been erased/not posted. Basically, I don't think it makes sense to get any more worked up about people sharing their truth about having children than getting worked up about someone sharing their truth about surfing. They're not being smug. They're telling you their own experience.

I appreciate that the OP apparently explained down thread that she wants to know whether child free ladies regret this decision.

[quote littleloopylou]@SweatyBetty20

Ok, that's great for you. This lady is just explaining what you might be missing out on. Your choices have tradeoffs, just the same as the choice to have children comes with massive downsides (and trust me, they are huge). I find the responses to her oddly defensive is all.[/quote]
Not defensive, just tired of it really. I've been having to explain myself and my choices to other women for nearly 30 years. You'd be surprised, how often, after having been asked "do you have kids" and me saying, no, how often the second question, (even from complete strangers) is, "why not?" So, I came on this thread initially to explain to the OP that not having kids is actually pretty fun too, and I don't feel that I've missed out in any way.

@SweatyBetty20 understood! Your experience is also totally valid.

To be honest, in some ways I think the adoration one feels for one's children could be seen as a negative. I live in constant terror that something will happen to my daughter, that she will be hurt, that she will move far away, that she will stop loving and needing me so much (pretty much assured to happen). It's exhausting and stressful.

@Pencil8888

I'm childfree too, and I've always been interested to know how this unconditional love for your child differs from the unconditional love for your parents (massive caveat - IF you have a good relationship with and actually do love your parents!!)

I'm very lucky to have a fantastic close family, and I love my parents and siblings unconditionally. The thought of anything happening to them is horrifying. I don't always like some things they say or do, but always love them. I imagine the love I would have for a child would be similar but maybe more amplified, but do people feel like it's a completely different love?

Yes completely different. I would take a bullet for my kids without a second thought whereas I might think twice about doing that for another family member.

I'm late 30s (not sure if that counts as older) and childfree. Personally, I struggle to see the negatives, but I've never had that urge to have children that a lot of women speak of. I'm also not at all close to my family and my older siblings live overseas, so the responsibility of my elderly Mum falls to me. As much as I love my Mum, we've never been close, never told me she loves me. She may call me if we've not spoken for a month or so, but I have to try to remember to call her each week . Since my Dad died 15 years ago, she's never once made the effort to take the train for an hour to visit me in my home city (or at a halfway point). Sometimes families don't gel for whatever reason and I've always managed to maintain at least one close friendship in my life (with a person who actually makes the effort to visit with me).

As for who will inherit from DP and I after we've gone. We've discussed this a bit and will leave a sizeable amount to charity and pass some onto children of our close friends.

@BoJoHoNo - the inheritance bit excites me a bit actually. A family member who was single and childless when they died left me some money out of the blue when I was younger, and I used some to travel with, on a trip that was very much out of my comfort zone. I wanted to do something with it to remember him by, and I've never forgotten it - I went to India and Nepal and it opened up a whole new world for me. I've left mine to my godchildren and nieces plus the hospices which looked after my parents; with the instruction to do something exciting with it. Could be travel, could be learning circus skills, could be something as simple as learning to drive - that's exciting to some people. I want it to have the same impact that my family member's bequest had on me.

The problem with questions like this is that every person who answers feels, on some level, defensive of their own position.

The truth is, there are (of course) pros and cons to both possibilities. Personally, I am glad I have had children, but I was very much motivated by biological urge and I have 4. If I had waited until I was older and wiser I suspect I would have had fewer of them, though of course I wouldn't be without any of them now.

I, personally, find it quite sad that the most consistent 'pro' of being child free is 'more money,' but then I find our society's emphasis on money and its importance sad on a broader scale, it's not a reflection of child free people.

Parenting is hard, hard work. You have to really want to do it, all of it, including the poo, the sleepless nights, the screaming teenagers who are exercising their freedom and autonomy for the first time. It's not for the faint hearted and sometimes I sit and wonder wtf I've done to myself! But then I look at one of them and the feelings of love and pride are incomparable, and it is worth it - for me. For others, the priorities are different, and that's just as valid an experience.

Nobody is ever 'right' in this debate: there is more than one 'right.'

Aled, believe me, more money wasn't the motivating factor!

I do wonder what the mothers on this thread arguing for the joys of motherhood actually hope to achieve. Convince the OP that despite her thoughts that she's pretty sure she doesn't want children that she should change her mind and have 3. Perhaps make us post menopausal notrealwomen childfree women realise we've made a huge mistake and now it's too late and our lives are forever ruined?

I, personally, find it quite sad that the most consistent 'pro' of being child free is 'more money,' but then I find our society's emphasis on money and its importance sad on a broader scale, it's not a reflection of child free people.

It’s not really about the money, it’s about what it enables you to do and the increased security it gives you. Being materialistic and money driven is not by any means the sole preserve of the child free.

@AledsiPad

The problem with questions like this is that every person who answers feels, on some level, defensive of their own position.

The truth is, there are (of course) pros and cons to both possibilities. Personally, I am glad I have had children, but I was very much motivated by biological urge and I have 4. If I had waited until I was older and wiser I suspect I would have had fewer of them, though of course I wouldn't be without any of them now.

I, personally, find it quite sad that the most consistent 'pro' of being child free is 'more money,' but then I find our society's emphasis on money and its importance sad on a broader scale, it's not a reflection of child free people.

Parenting is hard, hard work. You have to really want to do it, all of it, including the poo, the sleepless nights, the screaming teenagers who are exercising their freedom and autonomy for the first time. It's not for the faint hearted and sometimes I sit and wonder wtf I've done to myself! But then I look at one of them and the feelings of love and pride are incomparable, and it is worth it - for me. For others, the priorities are different, and that's just as valid an experience.

Nobody is ever 'right' in this debate: there is more than one 'right.'

People are doing what's right for them. I'm glad being knackered and covered in crap works for you and that was obviously the right decision FOR YOU. Just like not having children was the right decision for those child free. Why is it impossible for some to understand that there aren't any negatives to being childfree, for those happy with their choice. It's not a generic question, it's a very personal one. Stop telling people they are wrong about their own lives. It's the height of arrogance.

Just stop it. Why does it matter so much to you if some women choose not to have children. Does it make you question your own choices? As said upthread there are certainly many women who should not have had children but did - do you judge them?|

I'm 44, would love to have children, still could technically give birth, but due to serious health problems it's not happening.

I still picture myself regularly with a baby in my arms but I'm trying to be a realist.
So the cons...

First to do with my health problems-
I would have to stay on my meds & the baby would be born addicted for up to 6 weeks of crying & non stop craving...
The baby could have serious heart defects & other disabilities which would mean it would suffer & I would be unable to afford the best quality of life for a disabled child.
I'm poor anyway so my child would not get the best in life although it would be loved.
The child could inherit my health problems.
It may have to go into care if I had an episode of illness.
I would not wake up when it cried in the night due to my meds.

Also there would be endless worries once the child reached school age - what school to go to, how to get it there (I can't drive due to epilepsy), it may get bullied or be a bully, etc etc.

Pros - I would enjoy being a mum,
I would have my own family in old age BUT many old women I care for can have children they never see because they live miles away or don't get on & friends or neighbours do the job of family....

I've got freedom & don't have to plan every minute.

Also I do struggle to look after myself so although I'd just about manage to care for a child day to day I'd end up really neglecting my own needs & get ill.

I have to keep telling myself all these things because I am really broody at the moment and I find I'm jealous of anyone who is pregnant! I hope I get over it soon.

I've been thinking about this. I suppose one big plus to being child free is not having that permanent, slight back-of-the-mind worry. I worry about the future of the planet anyway, but more so because it's their future. I worry about my own health because they still need my support. Without that I won't really care!

@Meowchickameowmeow

It's hard to explain without seeming smug

Oh, honey pie, that ship has sailed.

😂

I'll be completely honest, having a child has made me quite miserable. I was desperate for a child (damn biological urges) and I know I'm very lucky to have had a healthy baby. I adore her and would kill for her. It's just...I'm shit at this. I was not cut out for this. I'm very highly strung and need a lot of alone time and parenting has just drained me so much. The whining, the grabbing, the constant needing. It's eating away at me. Like I said though, I absolutely love her to death but I think for both of our sakes if I'd known what it was really like I might have made a different decision. I do look at my childfree by choice friends and feel envious that they've never felt this consuming urge to have a child and are just enjoying their lives.

@Ivy455 - we sometimes have had the all consuming urge - either we've ignored it or not found anyone to have a child with, and made the best of what we've got and in my case found that it's really very good. And you're not shit, I know you aren't. Very very few mums are actually shit. Being a mum is probably one of the biggest lifestyle adjustments a human being will ever have and I doubt very much that everyone goes through that smoothly. If you love her, feed her, clothe her and love her, you're 95% of the way there.

@Ivy455

I know mothers on MN love to proclaim how they love their children more than their DH. I think that's dad. I love DH and DD equally. If we hadn't had DD, he would have continued to be the focus of my love as he had been for the many years we'd been together before DD came along.

at typo. Sad not dad.

@greybluegreen did you actually read my post? Our last sentences are virtually identical, yet you seem to have somehow taken it personally?!

I did, quite clearly say, that my opinions of the negative associations of money being the be all and end all aren’t at all the sole preserve of child free people.

Baffled how two of you have completely misunderstood/twisted what I actually said

I've never felt the urge to have kids. Nothing about it looks appealing to me. I don't care what anyone else does. Also, I know I wouldn't be a good parent anyway. I need my quiet space and my sleep and I don't deal well with stress or too much responsibility I'm hoping I can use all the money I saved not having kids to retire earlier.

By the time you are in your late 50s/60s and all your children have left home then your life is the same roughly as a child free person. Your friends and relationships will be based on where youve invested your time for the last few decades. So I know a child free woman in her 60s, not well off but she has a good circle of friends and they go on walking breaks together. Meanwhile a lot of other people I know with grown up children still see them and their families. It's a blessing but also comes with family baggage.

I think childfree people position themselves as if they are having the better life (freedom money less knackered!) and those with families assume their way is better because loving children yadda yadda. It's not a competition. Do what you want.

I wanted to have dc. I did. It's hard work. I wouldn't be without them. Childfree life looks good too.

I'm hoping I can use all the money I saved not having kids to retire earlier.

I couldn't have children, but being able to retire earlier was a silver lining in that cloud for me!

Made me miserable, too, Ivy, you're not alone.