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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
Worstyear2020 · 29/01/2021 06:28

She needs to learn to be more thoughtful when it comes to getting someone a present. The present clearly is something she likes rather than the receiver.

Inpersuitofhappiness · 29/01/2021 06:36

Honestly, I think a gift like this will make him dig his heels in even more. If I was given a "gift" of that t shirt and it was against my beliefs, straight in the bin it would go.

Its annoying and not a gift that will be appreciated. I'd far prefer a gift that I'd actually like, and a respectful discussion if my daughter felt it needed to be had.

I have a vastly different view to your DH but I don't like your daughters way of dealing with having a different opinion.

Astraturf · 29/01/2021 06:36

If the only options for sizes are mens and womens he should tell her it won't fit because he's come out as non binary.
Or gender fluid so sometimes it fits him and other times it doesn't

BonnieDundee · 29/01/2021 06:49

Shes bought a present for him that she knows he won't like or wear. You dont do that. If she is only 16 presumably she will learn that when you buy a present for someone you buy something that person will like.

I.personally wouldnt wear that if someone.bought me it. Not that I am not inclusive but wouldnt.go.out wearing.anything that said "get over it"

User17930472 · 29/01/2021 06:54

End point is that she is being rude to her father. Opinions are as such and cannot be proven right or wrong.

Personally, I would have never done this to my parents whether I agreed or disagreed with their views. It is a step too far and you should be telling her straight that it is not ok to give this to him on his birthday. It is your place to tell her this as her mother and to instil that just because she feels a certain way does not mean everyone has to feel the same. Especially if she has already tried to express her opinions.

Would your husband do the same thing to her on her birthday?

BlackBrowedAlbatross · 29/01/2021 06:55

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

It's just a joke gift.
Agree, it's a joke, or would be in our house, but it obviously depends on their relationship and on what their discussions on this subject have been like. I would warn him in advance if you think there's any chance he won't be able to laugh it off. And I would encourage her to get him something else which he will like, so she gives him two things. No big deal.
Hammonds · 29/01/2021 06:58

@Dita73

Well she’s clearly try to provoke an argument and piss him off. You should tell your husband what she’s done. When he opens it she’s going to be desperate for a negative reaction so if he has a response ready that she’s not expecting she really won’t like it. If she wants to play childish games then join in. She might learn something
Yes I agree with this. That T-shirt could say anything that he disagrees with, it’s not the content it’s the motive behind it. She wants to spark a negative reaction in his birthday and it’s unfair.

I’d address this with - how would she feel if her dad tried to provoke a argument on her birthday?

She’s showing her immaturity here.

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2021 06:59

I think this is just immaturity, there are ways to address a difference in opinion, passive aggressive birth day presents are not it. At 16 though I would have thought she’d know that.

LilQueenie · 29/01/2021 07:06

Trying to ruin his birthday by starting an argument. I would pre warn him and let him know. Then he can decide how to play her little game. She is entitled to her opinion but not being vindictive with it.

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 07:07

That’s not a present. I would bin that.

inquietant · 29/01/2021 07:10

Thinking about your DD - someone else's birthday is about them. Either buy a nice gift they will like or, if you can't do that, ignore the day.

What she's doing is not ok and I would tell her that. I'd also warn him.

Nothing wrong with her having strong views but this is the wrong way to express them.

gannett · 29/01/2021 07:12

It's passive-aggressive, immature and not nice... unless she really thinks he'll take it as a joke, which I suspect isn't the case...

However, I can never be mad when I see teenagers challenging and kicking against their parents' reactionary views. It's what they do. It's what they SHOULD do. It gives me hope that the next generation care about these things - whether that's racial equality, LGBT rights, climate change etc. I'd be proud to have raised an activist daughter.

It might bring a sour note to her dad's birthday. That might be her intention. 16-year-olds with a cause can be a bit bull in a china shop. Again I think that's great - standing up for your beliefs is what matters in the first place. And the thing is... if your husband really is bigoted enough that he'll get angry at this... there won't BE a relationship worth salvaging between him and your daughter in a few years. She'll leave home and lead a fantastic activist life with like-minded peers, and depending on how reactionary he is she'll care less and less for having him in her life.

At best she'll awkwardly turn up once or twice a year for Christmas etc. At worst she'll end up going NC. If you think someone's a bigot it's hard to have them in your life.

The ball is in your husband's court if he wants to avoid that. As her T-shirt says, he needs to get over it. Consider it a warning.

Bakeachocolatecake2day · 29/01/2021 07:13

@SmeleanorSmellstrop

It's just a joke gift.
That's fine, but would need to be accompanied by a real gift in our house.... jokes and sarcasm are all very well but not in place of a real gift chosen with thought and love....
Seasaltyhair · 29/01/2021 07:14

I’d tell her to expect something equally as shit for her birthday/Christmas present

Lanzo · 29/01/2021 07:15

It is between your DD and her father. I would keep well out of it. Is your DH’s life affected much by trans rights? If not, surely he can deal with it.

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 07:17

I’d tell her to expect something equally as shit for her birthday/Christmas present

I’d get her a big gammon.

maartjebaabes · 29/01/2021 07:18

I'd be interested to know what his contrary views are:
No one is trans?
Some people are trans, but obsess about it?
Some people are trans but the majority aren't so stone them?
Maybe he should get a tshirt for her expressing simply and clearly his views.

Better still when she comes home from school one day he should be in a dress and a wig and explain that she's converted him and see her squirm

2021isalsorubbish · 29/01/2021 07:19

Show her this thread

Brefugee · 29/01/2021 07:21

Personally I think little miss needs to check her wokeness at the door and learn some boundaries.

fuck off with that shit patronising rubbish. Being called woke (which means inclusive) isn't the insult you think it is. Calling people woke as an insult says far more about the narrow mind of the insulter, tbh.

She's 16 is probably passionate about this. She's old enough to give him this present, and she's old enough to handle the fall out (which since the recipient is an adult should be "Whatevs" and then not wear it rather than a slanging match or something.

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 07:22

fuck off with that shit patronising rubbish.

But do continue buying ‘educational” t-shirts for adults as ‘birthday presents’?

Hmm
WaltzingBetty · 29/01/2021 07:23

@usernamenotavailible

*does she want influence his views*

Yes, that was her explanation (believe me, I’ve tried to explain that it won’t work). The problem is that neither are willing to consider the other’s views!

Maybe send her a link to the psychology of Human behaviour and explain she'll need to be much smarter to achieve her goals.

www.verywellmind.com/the-stages-of-change-2794868

Also explain that regardless of this conflict there's a time and a place for making a point. Giving a gift should be about making the recipient happy, not scoring points or making an ineffective effort to win an argument. If that is her focus then it makes her gift rude and selfish, not amusing or effective. She'll likely causes row on her dad's birthday and she knows it.

zzizzer · 29/01/2021 07:24

Like the train idea.

Tell her that from now on any gift from you two to her will always be a preachy thing that she doesn't like about something she doesn't agree with.

And then tell her to stop co-opting you in her battles against her dad. Its a shitty move.

AStudyinPink · 29/01/2021 07:25

She's 16 is probably passionate about this. She's old enough to give him this present, and she's old enough to handle the fall out (which since the recipient is an adult should be "Whatevs" and then not wear it rather than a slanging match or something.

I’m confused. Is she old enough to handle the fall-out, or does she need to be cosseted and have the fall-out policed?

In my house, if an adult bought me that I’d look at it funny, not laugh, bin it later and be disappointed by their rudeness. Is she too young for that reaction? Maybe she’s still young enough for a bit of guidance from her mum about gift-giving, then.

whiteroseredrose · 29/01/2021 07:26

He can buy an indelible marker and cross out the bottom bit and replace with BUT THEY WILL NEVER BE THE REAL THING.

Piffle11 · 29/01/2021 07:27

You know her character, we don’t… So only you know whether this is meant as a cheeky ‘let’s laugh and talk about it’ type of present, or whether it’s a deliberate attempt to needle her father. I agree with the other poster that said this that a birthday present isn’t the time to do this. It’s a very selfish present, as your husband will get no use for it and will not like it. She knows he won’t wear it, so perhaps she should have donated the money to a trans-supporting charity instead? On his behalf?