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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
waterlego · 29/01/2021 16:33

Crossed posts with @CaraDuneRedux!

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 16:40

If she doesn't realise that what she's about to do is also really going to hurt him, then she is spectacularly lacking in empathy. He's her dad. From his perspective, the daughter he loves will have set out to hurt him on his birthday.

100% this.

ArabellaScott · 29/01/2021 16:57

Petty and irritating. It's a bit of a shit birthday present! But it's the prerogatives of teenagers to be irritating and wildly misunderstand hot-button issues, so I wouldn't make a big fuss over it, I doubt it'll help.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 29/01/2021 16:58

On the whole though if I were you I’d be glad to have a daughter with strong views and other similar sentiments all over the thread.

Depends on the views, a bit. Strong views led some sixteen-year-old girls into running away to join ISIS, not so very long ago: adolescence is a really good time for brainwashing to take hold. Ask the Moonies. I don't think I (or anyone much, come to that) would have been glad about that one, and nor were the unfortunate children afterwards.

Meanwhile, holding strong views and deliberately setting out to cause an individual hurt are not the same thing, and this is someone deliberately setting out to cause hurt. She needs it pointed out to her that this is what she is doing: she may not have realised, and she is old enough to be told and possibly even understand that point.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 29/01/2021 16:59

He could wear it when he follows her into the ladies rest room at a Westfield.
I doubt shed pull a stunt like that in a hurry.

Yes Grin

toocold54 · 29/01/2021 17:01

Try to be a grown up and accept that teenagers do daft things.

I agree. Some people on MN are so precious.

Well how would she feel if he sent her the opposite of that.

I'd be encouraging him to do so!

This is exactly why some PPs are opposed to the t-shirt not because it’s a crap gift but because they don’t want that message being spread around because they don’t agree with it.

Daphnise · 29/01/2021 17:02

A foolish little girl trying to make a statement- and failing.

waterlego · 29/01/2021 17:02

they don’t want that message being spread around because they don’t agree with it

I honestly think you’d be hard pushed to find anyone on MN who believes that trans people don’t exist.

lockdownshmockdown · 29/01/2021 17:06

This is exactly why some PPs are opposed to the t-shirt not because it’s a crap gift but because they don’t want that message being spread around because they don’t agree with it.

Stop. Talking. Shite.

Same4Walls · 29/01/2021 17:06

I agree. Some people on MN are so precious.

How on earth is it precious to consider it unacceptable to deliberately set out to proke, humiliate and disrespect someone...

This child is 16 not 6, she knows that buying this t-shirt is an unacceptable gift to buy for her father. To plead ignorance and write this off as some teenage mistake is doing her a massive disservice in the long run.

MedusasBadHairDay · 29/01/2021 17:07

Try to be a grown up and accept that teenagers do daft things.

They do, but it is also a mean thing to do, and surely we can all agree that it's best to steer teenagers away from doing mean things?

mbosnz · 29/01/2021 17:11

My oldest is going through a period where she's being rather crueller and sharper than she thinks she is, and has needed that pointed out to her, and its impact on her victim, that what can seem clever and witty, is actually just being needlessly unkind.

aSofaNearYou · 29/01/2021 17:12

This is exactly why some PPs are opposed to the t-shirt not because it’s a crap gift but because they don’t want that message being spread around because they don’t agree with it.

Speak for yourself. There are clearly two polarising subjects here - the actual message on the t-shirt, and whether or not it's acceptable for a teen to give a gift that furthers an argument between them and the recipient, and which they know they will not like. I have opinions on both subjects but my opinion on the latter is stronger. It's obtuse to pretend the issue of how teenagers should be allowed to behave does not exist and could not possibly be the reason behind people's opinions here, because you personally don't agree with their view on the subject.

saraclara · 29/01/2021 17:22

@mbosnz

My oldest is going through a period where she's being rather crueller and sharper than she thinks she is, and has needed that pointed out to her, and its impact on her victim, that what can seem clever and witty, is actually just being needlessly unkind.
Yes. It can be a phase that teenagers go through. It's the parents' role to make sure that it IS only a phase and that it's as short-lived as humanly possible.

There is absolutely no way that I would have allowed my DD to go through with this plan. The worst outcome for me as a parent would be to send a young adult into the world thinking that it's okay to be cruel.

chestnutSquash · 29/01/2021 17:29

My dc have disagreed with me and their dad on many things over the years. Sometimes there is a bit of eyerolling, sometimes an exchange of views. What there has never been is deliberate cruelty or spite. Never a deliberate act to hurt feelings. I feel quite sad about this situation.

mbosnz · 29/01/2021 17:38

Mind you, having said that (as I said, I haven't read the full thread), but if DH has a similar pattern of behaviour, then if he gets served with his own sauce, then that's on him. You've got to be able to take it if you dish it out.

As I said, I haven't read the full thread, but I have known a few people (mostly men) who would gleefully pull such a silly juvenile stout, but would pout and whine like nobody else if anyone did such a thing to them - especially their kids.

TidyDancer · 29/01/2021 17:53

Oh dear OP. You can't let this stay a surprise for your DH. You're doing the right thing in warning him.

It's likely that in a few years time, your DD is going to be quite embarrassed about this incident, but I think if you can limit the fallout from her childish silliness, that's probably best for now.

beingmorehappy · 29/01/2021 18:21

Well warn him and get him say ohh lovely colour and not comment on it at all. A wear in bed T-shirt ? 😬 not to say your DH is trans in bed 😉 My DH was kindly gifted a never go full retard T-shirt ( it's a line from a spoof film, Tropic Thunder I believe, but he's banned from wearing out.)

ddl1 · 29/01/2021 18:42

I agree with the sentiment, and would be fine with her wearing it. But if she knows that your dh would hate it and never wear it, then it's rude and inappropriate to give it to him as a present. Presents are not for making a point; you can do that in other ways.

waterlego · 29/01/2021 18:43

say ohh lovely colour and not comment on it at all

I think that is absolutely the best response as it’ll just take the wind out of her sails.

Pinkiii · 29/01/2021 18:48

A lot of posters are getting too caught up in what the t shirt says, that is a completely seperate issue.

The issue is the disrespect to a parent to undermine their opinion (whether they agree or not is another matter) and essentially showing them you don’t value them enough to respect their opinon, least of all on their birthday.

Its just plain rude and it’s not a teen being a teen, she is old enough to know better and if anyone thinks that is what teens are like you need to teach your kids better.

BernieSandersMittens · 29/01/2021 19:00

All the people who say it's a funny joke, probably wouldn't see the funny side if their child had different political opinions and chair a birthday to have a dig.

Some of the answers would be very different if the daughter had given him a "meat is murder" T-shirt cos she's vegetarian and they row about it. Or if she was pro brexit and he was remainer and she gave him a "brexit is happening, deal with it"

People would be saying it's a crap thing to do and they'd be right. People are allowed to have their own views, my own 16 year old disagrees with some of our political opinions but she'd never do something like this and I disagree with people saying typical of teenagers. She's always been encouraged to listen to all sides though and be respectful when putting her points across. She's actually changed our minds on some things and her dad has changed hers. None of the teens in my family would do this unless it was something they actually joked about, which OP has said they don't.

Does her father actually say trans people don't exist anyway? Or does he say sex can't be changed? Because knowing sex can't be changed is not the the same as saying trans people don't exist or don't deserve to be safe. Majority of what I've seen is that people disagree that sex based rights should be removed. That's not the same as saying trans people don't exist or should be harmed by other males in male spaces.

saraclara · 29/01/2021 19:49

I'm just imagining this thread if a mother in-law gave a MNer a 'making a point' gift that she knew the recipient would hate!

HeronLanyon · 29/01/2021 19:56

caraduneredux waterlego
Indeed you are right. It’s obvious. Just for a moment I got confused about reality.

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