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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
borntohula · 29/01/2021 02:24

She's probably bloody joking ffs.

StoppinBy · 29/01/2021 02:30

I think the this is the wrong moment to pull out that shirt.

His birthday present should be for him, not for her to put her point accross.

WombOfOnesOwn · 29/01/2021 02:37

She wants to make her dad's birthday an event where she can be smarmy and smug on social media. "ha ha look what I bought my dad, the look on his face was priceless."

She'll have been calling him names and more online, too, if you find her profiles. This kind of thing isn't done as a private joke, nowadays. It's done to impress her friends with how much she'll risk for the "cause." She's probably hoping to get kicked out so she can start a gofundme.

ChestnutStuffing · 29/01/2021 02:44

He should get her an "Woman - Adult Human Female" shirt for her birthday.

Tavannach · 29/01/2021 02:46

She's 16. He can put it at the back of the wardrobe and bring it out to embarrass her on her 30th.

PoleToPole · 29/01/2021 02:50

Yes, I think WombOfOnesOwn has the right idea. If you warn your DH beforehand, and he could be ridiculously enthusiastic and over the moon with it. The thrill of her rebellion would fall a bit flat then.

Daisysflowers · 29/01/2021 02:56

Do your daughter and husband not have a good relationship?

Obviously there had been issues in your household with difference of opinions, your daughter has been very spiteful to buy such a present not only is it a waste of money but also she is provoking him for a reaction.

How do you think your husband is going to react? Will he laugh it off and Chuck the t shirt in the bottom draw or will it cause a argument on the day?

If your daughter is not prepared to change her present and you think it’s going to cause a argument on the day then I would tell your husband beforehand so he can be prepared. Husband could open it and thank her then move on - she won’t get the response she wants. If she goes on about it he can just say love it thanks and keep changing the subject. Not get into the argument she wants.

CareBear50 · 29/01/2021 02:59

This is all about her.

I agree w previous posters.....prewarn him so he can pretend he loves it to take the 'glory' out of her moment. Or at least ask if he can plaster on a smile and an offer of a seemingly genuine thank you.

She's young.....and like many of us at that age (myself included) think we know everything

katy1213 · 29/01/2021 03:02

That's fine - as long as she's prepared to get similar for her birthday. Or would that trigger an entitled teenage sulk?
If she's similarly strident about saving the planet, you could point out the hypocrisy of buying cheap, disposable Tshirts that have probably been run up in a sweat shop by women without her privileges.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/01/2021 03:03

OK ridiculous present buying aside, the trick is to actually talk about this stuff to find out what people care about.

Generally positions in politics are fixed and far away from each other, like mountaintops. But the foothills are the things we can find common ground about. Why does she feel the way she does? Why does he? Not arguing about facts, but expressing feelings.

Is he worried the world is changing too fast, or worried about predatory men hurting her in the loo. Maybe she's worried the world doesn't fit her and worries about trans people being hurt in the men's loo. Not so far away. Curiosity and emotion rather than anger and name calling.

And no, you don't buy presents to make a point. It's hurtful.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2021 03:04

I'm sure this happened. Hmm

lovelemoncurd · 29/01/2021 03:06

Teens can't get past their own egocentrism can they? Have a talk about birthdays - the fact that gifts are usually something the receiver values and treasures not the giver!

Or buy her a T shirt
'Some people have different views. Get over it'

Pyewhacket · 29/01/2021 03:11

Be interesting to see what T-shirt he gets her for her birthday.

FlamedToACrisp · 29/01/2021 03:12

@NoIDontLikeTrains

She's deliberately and pointedly not bought her dad a birthday present. That's pretty hurtful.

In addition to that, she's chosen to utilise his birthday to fire a shot in her debate with him, to highlight the division between them, and to attempt to invalidate his opinions by suggesting he carry a sentiment he strongly disagrees with on his own body.

It's deeply insulting.

This.

You should definitely warn him in advance.

rawlikesushi · 29/01/2021 03:13

I think you should feel special and loved on your birthday, but this t shirt will just irritate him and remind him of an ongoing disagreement.

It is certainly very childish. It won't change his mind but she already knows that, it's just pointless, passive aggressive point-scoring.

Allington · 29/01/2021 03:19

She's 16. And behaving like a 16 year old, knowing best about everything. Not considering other people's feelings as valid. No big deal.

Hawkins001 · 29/01/2021 03:25

society needs to be an open and inclusive one and accepting of all people's preferences and accepting of all, therefore views that may have been common in years past, why should outdated views still be considered acceptable today ?

AnyOldPrion · 29/01/2021 03:35

Knowing that men aren’t women, no matter how much they insist they are, is not an outdated view.

Regardless of your opinion on this, it’s a mean present and an unkind thing to do on his birthday. Unless their relationship is otherwise very good and it’s a joke he will enjoy (which I doubt, given you’re asking, OP) then I think it would be a good idea to point out to her how unpleasant it is to deliberately upset someone on their birthday.

PoleToPole · 29/01/2021 03:35

society needs to be an open and inclusive one and accepting of all people's preferences and accepting of all, therefore views that may have been common in years past, why should outdated views still be considered acceptable today ?

Yes, this is absolutely correct, but maybe a bit judgy, the OP`s DD is only 16 after all, and most of us were a bit misguided as teens. Tell her she can cancel the order, apologise and leave it at that.

HelgaDownUnder · 29/01/2021 03:37

He could wear it when he follows her into the ladies rest room at a Westfield.
I doubt shed pull a stunt like that in a hurry.

Cocogreen · 29/01/2021 03:50

She’s looking for a reaction ( maybe a fight?) and that’s a bit mean on his birthday IMO.
I’d warn him. The best scenario is if he just says “ thanks” and moves on to the next present.

PeggyHill · 29/01/2021 04:00

I think the t shirt itself is fairly mundane, but in general I think it's a selfish and unpleasant for your DD to give your DH a birthday gift that she knows he won't like. I would be discouraging that sort of mean spirited behaviour.

How would she feel if your DH got her a birthday present that he knew she wouldn't like? Perhaps that's a good way to help her understand.

beingsunny · 29/01/2021 04:04

I don't think that will influence his views at all, just seems like passive aggressive teen behaviour.

Oreservoir · 29/01/2021 04:07

Your dh should open his other gifts first, really slowly.
And then when he does open dd’s gift just a thank you dd.
Pop the t shirt to one side and get on with his day.

No visible reaction is the best reaction.

SkeletorAttack · 29/01/2021 04:08

Agree with PP. You need to ask your DD whether this will be a birthday gift or just an opportunity to piss him off / make her political point. Actually quite self-absorbed.