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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 29/01/2021 11:16

Definitely think @Simarilion had the best idea of the thread though, make sure DH has a marker in his pocket open the present add the "i" to change trans to trains and put it straight on and say thanks I love it, brilliant

buckeejit · 29/01/2021 11:20

Yes I like the trains idea too but it might royally piss off dd which would be just!

gottakeeponmovin · 29/01/2021 11:22

She thinks she's being funny ... she's not she is being immature

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/01/2021 11:22

That’s not a gift so not appropriate for a birthday present. Besides, no matter what people believe, many people are not comfortable wearing their political views on their chest.

TalkingtoLangClegintheDark · 29/01/2021 11:22

Anyway, OP, clearly her priority is making a point rather than making him happy, which doesn’t indicate anything good about their relationship.

Actually, I’m not sure I stand by this point I made earlier. It could indicate that she feels safe enough with him and loved enough by him to push the boundaries like this, in which case it says something very good about their relationship.

Only you know the dynamics between them well enough to say if this is the case, or if it’s a genuine “fuck you” move.

What’s your feeling? Is it the former or the latter? And how do you think your DH will react if you don’t warn him and she does give it to him?

AryaStarkWolf · 29/01/2021 11:25

@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark

Anyway, OP, clearly her priority is making a point rather than making him happy, which doesn’t indicate anything good about their relationship.

Actually, I’m not sure I stand by this point I made earlier. It could indicate that she feels safe enough with him and loved enough by him to push the boundaries like this, in which case it says something very good about their relationship.

Only you know the dynamics between them well enough to say if this is the case, or if it’s a genuine “fuck you” move.

What’s your feeling? Is it the former or the latter? And how do you think your DH will react if you don’t warn him and she does give it to him?

The OP has already said though that their relationship isn't great
TillyTopper · 29/01/2021 11:27

She's only 16, it's not the way to make people more inclusive and his birthday isn't the right time... but hopefully he'd understand she's 16 and just trying to flex things. Personally I'd stay out of it and do nothing, she'll learn later and hopefully DH will be fine with it and understand her pov.

Brefugee · 29/01/2021 11:34

I was just talking about the word 'woke'. It is misused by people who don't want to be challenged about their prejudices, including misogynistic men who care nothing about women's issues.

Ah, got it. Agree.

But I am also prejudiced in one way. 'Woke' is a verb (past tense of 'wake', so I find it irritating hearing it being used as an adjective. I also never heard it until a couple of years ago.

IIRC it comes from black culture from the usa where they talk about white people being all "right on" and switched on to race issues, but since they're white they can't experience them, but still try to take over or just walk around showing how racially sensitive they are. It has now been appropriated, mostly by people wanting to fling it around as an insult. (but i could be wrong - it's not a word i use)

Also, what's the difference between 'woke' and 'politically correct (PC)'?
again - i think PC is one of those things that was only ever used by people who wanted to carry on being intolerant racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic bigots. Grin - ie. both part of the same thing.

Wigglegiggle0520 · 29/01/2021 11:35

@buckeejit

At least as *@DollyPartonsBeard* says, no money went to fucking stonewall as she bought a rip off version so if she doesn't retract, at least your dh can rest easy on that score & point out the futility of her efforts.
Grin brilliant
Jenala · 29/01/2021 11:41

Maybe zoom out. No matter who's view is right, the gift isn't a gift. It's antagonistic and not kind for a birthday. That's not the time. It's making a point and trying to make someone uncomfortable at an inappropriate time.

That being said, perhaps the best lesson is to say nothing and let her do it. Could warn DH and he could maybe give little reaction? But teen activists need to learn when to be activists, and when to just relate to people human to human. There is space for both and its contextual.

SheilaWilcox · 29/01/2021 11:41

Unless he will see the funny side and get a laugh out of it, you might want to suggest HIS birthday is about HIM and not point scoring.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 29/01/2021 11:44

Well she's shared it with you so I think she's asking for your view. I'd go down the "it's dad's birthday so get him a present he will like but it's your decision" route. Birthdays are a time for putting disagreements aside and being pleasant to the birthday person. If she doesn't have much money I'd offer to buy it from her so she can buy something else instead if she wants to. Oh, and you could ask if she is trying to tell him that she might be trans herself, in which case this is the wrong way to go about it. She needs to say so herself, own it, and not on his birthday.

No harm in priming him that he might get a present he doesn't much like, and could he act as if someone who crochets all their own toilet-roll covers had given him a crocheted toilet-roll cover? The "It's-the-thought-that-counts" smile and thanks. He can wear it on the day and then never again. If she's just trying to make a point that should nicely take the wind out of her sails.

btw Mixed sex toilets are horrible. We had them on our floor at work, I used to go three floors to the ladies'. That "solution" is worse than the problem it's meant to solve, I'd rather share toilets with a few trans people than the entire male sex.

ktp100 · 29/01/2021 11:44

Another person's birthday is not an opportunity to rub your opposing views in their face.

I'd tell her to either return it or keep it and buy another gift.

It's just rude & thoughtless.

shinynewapple2021 · 29/01/2021 11:45

@CharlieSays13

When I was 16 I would have bought the t-shirt and worn it around my dad, at every opportunity. I'd have bought him some socks and chocolate.

And that's appropriate . As is giving her dad the T shirt but with an additional 'real' present of something he would like.

But just buying him the T shirt designed to wind him up - no. If my teenager did this I would be annoyed and would tell them so .

Hopingformydb · 29/01/2021 11:47

I would hate it either way I don't care if you're trans/ gay/ straight/ or alien.. but I wouldn't want to wear it. Bit of a childish way of putting her point across imo and definitely a waste of money.

newrubylane · 29/01/2021 11:49

Tell her that if she insists on giving her father this childish gift then she can also accept a child's punishment for being so rude and thoughtless, and then let her dad choose the punishment. Or she can buy him another gift.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 29/01/2021 11:54

@HoppingPavlova

Complete dick move but it’s pretty much what teens of that age are renowned for.
This. She is after a reaction. Just ignore.

I would probably mildly troll her back on her own birthday with a present she'll hate. A Crowded House T shirt would have worked well for my own DDs at a similar age. No doubt there is a 2021 Dad Rock equivalent.

TheCakeDiet · 29/01/2021 11:55

There is nothing 'good natured' about this.
She is being a dick.

Without sharing my personal feelings on this particular issue, your DH has a right to his view on anything he likes whether DD finds it palatable or not. . Your DD might need to be reminded that being 'liberal' equates to being 'open minded' and welcoming free-speech and differences of opinion.

If doesn't wear it and immediately change his views, will she 'cancel' him?

aSofaNearYou · 29/01/2021 12:07

If the OP’s dd was challenging DH over perhaps being racist this thread would have gone in a completely different direction. Probably because most of the pp’s on this post could do with this T-shirt themselves. And then they are so shocked when MN is called transphobic.

When I was a teenager, me and my (very old fashioned) grandad would often butt heads over race and immigration issues. I would still have never dreamt of doing this on his birthday because it would have been blatantly antagonistic and a blunt reminder of the ways in which we didn't get on, as if the main message I wanted to send to him was that I thought he was a bastard. People open their presents expecting it to be something that reflects the givers feelings for them, so using that moment to show then this is the main thing you think of them is very harsh.

I would argue with him on this subject regularly, but I did love him and that was absolutely not how I wanted to make him feel on his birthday. There's a time and place.

FunkBus · 29/01/2021 12:07

"Complete dick move but it’s pretty much what teens of that age are renowned for."

At 16? I really don't think so and I'm worried that anyone does. Very childish for that age.

C152 · 29/01/2021 12:12

It's a waste of money, a bit of a snide way to get her point across and just unkind to point out what you see as someone's 'failings' on their birthday.

Given her age, I wouldn't expect you to do anything about it. The ensuing debate / argument is between your DD and your DH.

ancientgran · 29/01/2021 12:13

@FamilyOfAliens

That is why it is important to site them properly, not tucked away but it a nice public place.

Makes no difference if there’s no one around at the time. Unless they are closed when the crowds go home or it gets dark, mixed sex provision is not a risk-free environment for women.

Single sex provision isn't safe if no one is around, when it's dark etc and sometimes the aggressor is the same sex. That doesn't change the things that are more positive with good single sex provision, as someone else pointed out provision varies but the proper purpose built not tucked away in a block is very different to just saying "this is mixed sex" so tell us what is safer about a block compared to the facilities I described.
FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 12:23

sometimes the aggressor is the same sex

Oh dear.

Lovemusic33 · 29/01/2021 12:30

@ktp100

Another person's birthday is not an opportunity to rub your opposing views in their face.

I'd tell her to either return it or keep it and buy another gift.

It's just rude & thoughtless.

This.

OP you need to tell her to return it or keep it for herself. Your DH’s birthday is not the time to be trying to make a point, I can just see it as a huge disaster causing arguments and long term fall out.

My dd can be very argumentative about trans rights, at 16 they are still children but they need to learn that people have different views and you can’t change them by acting like a dick.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/01/2021 12:33

It's a waste of money, a bit of a snide way to get her point across and just unkind to point out what you see as someone's 'failings' on their birthday.

That reminds me of Kate Aldridge on The Archers, who decided, for her own 40th I think, that what she wanted from everyone was some expression of their heartfelt feelings about her. She, being Kate, responded with some far more 'heartfelt' feelings about each giver and the whole thing descended, from the heights of cringiness to the depths of familial resentment and antagonism. Spectacularly awful.