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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?

524 replies

usernamenotavailible · 29/01/2021 00:22

DH’s birthday is coming up. DD16 just sent me a screenshot of a t-shirt she’s bought him (picture attached). DD is very PC and is big on inclusion, DH is very much not. Won’t add my personal views as I don’t want to influence anyone else, but I’m somewhere in between. AIBU to think DD shouldn’t have bought this and should I do anything?

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
OP posts:
Justgorgeous · 29/01/2021 15:13

I would be more upset my child chose to use Amazon to buy me a birthday gift.

PerfectPenquins · 29/01/2021 15:13

You don't use someone's birthday to make a point, that's selfish behavior and just shows her immaturity. She needs to learn critical thinking and debate skills. This isn't on and I would tell her that, she eithers gets him a gift he will like because she wants to or she gets him nothing.

Shes very selective on her wokeness if she got it from Amazon lol

toocold54 · 29/01/2021 15:15

Does she want an adult human female T-shirt?

What does this mean? I keep seeing it.

Same4Walls · 29/01/2021 15:15

I think this is less about supporting their cause and more about upsetting her DF and causing future resentment.

That's how it reads to me too. She's seizing it as an opportunity to show how 'aware' and 'progressive' her views are and deliberately provoking him as she already knows he does not share those views.

I would tell her not to bother with any gift if that was her attitude and maybe to miss out on coming altogether.

I said this earlier. In my opinion no present would definitely be a better option than allowing her to think it's acceptable to give a gift that's rude and disrespectful towards the recipient.

saraclara · 29/01/2021 15:17

I would be really sad if my daughter set out to deliberately hurt and embarrass her dad on his birthday.

This gift isn't a strategy to change his mind. She's out to shame him, and that's both mean and ineffective.

Her lack of empathy is really worrying, and as her mum, this is what you should be focusing on when you talk to her, OP.

mbosnz · 29/01/2021 15:17

I'm sorry, I have broken the cardinal rule, and haven't read the full thread.

For me, I'd be asking my daughter, what does she think she will do with regards to her father's views on inclusion in buying him such a t-shirt, for his birthday no less? Is this likely to make him receptive to her message and beliefs, or is it likely to entrench him in his own, still further? If the latter, is that then a particularly responsible thing for her to do, in line with promoting her views? If this cause is truly important to her, then surely she wouldn't want to do something that is likely to make it even less likely that somebody would be less hostile, or more open and receptive to its messages?

My father was a bigoted dinosaur until the day he died. I loved him dearly. He was a very intelligent man, but very old fashioned and rigid in his views, and there was a point at which I absolutely refused to discuss or debate certain topics with him, because I disagreed with his views strongly, and refused to continue to be browbeaten from his position of authority into even implicitly acquiescing with them. That would have been around 15, 16.

He had his right to his opinion, and to express his opinion, and not to listen to my opinions. I had exactly the same damned rights. Once we both agreed to exercise our rights, in particular, right c, we got along a heck of a lot better - and it was a lot more peaceful for everyone else in the household!

Same4Walls · 29/01/2021 15:19

I think it's fantastic and hilarious, classic teenage mini rebellion. Dad needs to be the bigger person and see it for the clumsy teenage communication that it is.

You'd think it fantastic if you'd raised your daughter for 16 years and her first thought for a gift for your birthday was to push her views on you, make a statement and be disrespectful?

This doesn't strike me as a clumsy attempt at communicating it strikes me as a deliberate calculated action with no thought to her father.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/01/2021 15:29

Didn't Happen Of The Year Award 🥇
@lockdownshmockdown

Hahah couldn't have put it better myself.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 15:29

I love how it affects people like you, who get their knickers in a twist over someone daring to have an opinion.

That’s your takeaway from my post? Good grief.

1forAll74 · 29/01/2021 15:33

Lots of teenagers are into all these messages and their thoughts kind of stuff on T shirts. It's not a big issue really, if your Husband won't wear it, maybe you can have it instead.

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/01/2021 15:33

@changingmine
think it's fantastic and hilarious, classic teenage mini rebellion. Dad needs to be the bigger person and see it for the clumsy teenage communication that it is.

I can only assume this is your attitude as it is happening to a DF and not you. I very much doubt you would wear a tee shirt with a message you vehemently disagreed, even if it was bought by your DC.

FamilyOfAliens · 29/01/2021 15:36

@1forAll74

Lots of teenagers are into all these messages and their thoughts kind of stuff on T shirts. It's not a big issue really, if your Husband won't wear it, maybe you can have it instead.
Did the OP say she was a transactivist?
lockdownshmockdown · 29/01/2021 15:37

@FamilyOfAliens

I love how it affects people like you, who get their knickers in a twist over someone daring to have an opinion.

That’s your takeaway from my post? Good grief.

There are a few irritatingly obtuse posters on this thread who fail to grasp that it's not about the particular opinion the OP's daughter holds.

Thankfully, the overwhelming majority of posters see that this young woman is being pushy and crass. She's just a typical arrogant teenager. Hopefully this will be an opportunity for her to learn a valuable lesson about respect.

Mark Twain said:

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

She'll learn.

lockdownshmockdown · 29/01/2021 15:39

@1forAll74

Lots of teenagers are into all these messages and their thoughts kind of stuff on T shirts. It's not a big issue really, if your Husband won't wear it, maybe you can have it instead.

Spectacularly missing the point.

waterlego · 29/01/2021 15:40

@toocold54

One of these:

AIBU to think DD’s taken this a step too far?
dworky · 29/01/2021 15:41

A daughter bought this for her dad's birthday? Hmm

Same4Walls · 29/01/2021 15:44

Spectacularly missing the point.

Exactly. It doesn't matter that it's a t-shirt with a slogan on it for a viewpoint that she knows he doesn't share with her. What the gift is isn't the important part of this. The issue is she's deliberately being disrespectful and going out of her way to give him something she knows is not an appropriate gift all so she can feel smug and think she has the moral high ground.

TwelvePaws · 29/01/2021 15:44

I’d make sure I buy her something she wouldn’t like for her next birthday. Maybe a biology book or something as she probably isn’t doing too well in that subject. Then I’d carry on with my day, giving her no more reaction. She’s clearly very immature, to buy something to make her point wanting to cause an argument on her dads birthday. Silly child.

Signalbox · 29/01/2021 15:45

What does this mean? I keep seeing it

People who say “some people are trans get over it” often seem to also hold the position that “trans women are women”. Other people disagree and understand woman to mean “adult human female”. It is often stated by the people who believe the former that the people who believe the latter are denying trans people’s very existence and that the definition “adult human female” is a transphobic dog-whistle.

lockdownshmockdown · 29/01/2021 15:46

@Same4Walls

Spectacularly missing the point.

Exactly. It doesn't matter that it's a t-shirt with a slogan on it for a viewpoint that she knows he doesn't share with her. What the gift is isn't the important part of this. The issue is she's deliberately being disrespectful and going out of her way to give him something she knows is not an appropriate gift all so she can feel smug and think she has the moral high ground.

It makes my skin crawl. Genuinely cringing for the girl. My father would have made me look a right fool for doing such a thing. And good on him too.

TwelvePaws · 29/01/2021 15:46

if your Husband won't wear it, maybe you can have it instead.

🤣 Unless you mean to use as a duster ?

changingmine · 29/01/2021 15:49

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@changingmine
think it's fantastic and hilarious, classic teenage mini rebellion. Dad needs to be the bigger person and see it for the clumsy teenage communication that it is.

I can only assume this is your attitude as it is happening to a DF and not you. I very much doubt you would wear a tee shirt with a message you vehemently disagreed, even if it was bought by your DC.[/quote]
And you'd be wrong.

I have teens, I adore teens, I value humour and letting young people grow. We've all been teens and done dick things, and the family is the soft place to land.
In the big picture this is so mild, so classically teen, it is absolutely to be embraced. It's for the adults to adult and the teens to teen. I feel sad for you and those of your ilk whose self esteem is so frail you cannot allow a kid to be a kid.

changingmine · 29/01/2021 15:50

@TwelvePaws

I’d make sure I buy her something she wouldn’t like for her next birthday. Maybe a biology book or something as she probably isn’t doing too well in that subject. Then I’d carry on with my day, giving her no more reaction. She’s clearly very immature, to buy something to make her point wanting to cause an argument on her dads birthday. Silly child.
Wow so spiteful
Cheeseandwin5 · 29/01/2021 15:50

@1forAll74
Lots of teenagers are into all these messages and their thoughts kind of stuff on T shirts. It's not a big issue really, if your Husband won't wear it, maybe you can have it instead.
So if you didnt like sport and your DC bought you tickets for the local football match, you would be OK if your DH took them instead?
Is it ok for ppl to buy you presents for things they want rather than anything you may want?
i would be shocked if either was the case and would expect bluemurder being screamed at the lack of thought.

Same4Walls · 29/01/2021 15:51

It makes my skin crawl. Genuinely cringing for the girl. My father would have made me look a right fool for doing such a thing. And good on him too

Indeed, I'm baffled how several posters don't seem to understand how rude and disrespectful she is being. She might be only 16 but that's plenty old enough to understand the very simple concept of a gift is for the recipient not the giver. She knows exactly what she is doing by giving this as a gift. It's not big or clever infact it's very caculated and provocative behaviour.

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