To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

Oh it's YOUR house! You don't have to live like this.

I give my teenager more money than that! This certainly isn't a case where you can't Afford it.

Has he contributed to the savings?

Is he a twat in other ways as well? Apart from belittling your passions and desires? You say you’ve considered ending it before.

The reason many women stay with abusive fuck heads is because they have no access to their own money. You are in such a strong position!

Umm majority of savings are mine as in at least 60k

My DH has never, ever commented on anything I spend, no way would I ask permission & he wouldn’t ever expect me too. Of course big purchases we would discuss, but everyday stuff he leaves me to get on with it.

Never mind getting anything. You need to get rid of him first.

That sounds a miserable soul destroying way to live.

He's completely out of order, the controlling arse.

I saw this happen to a couple of friends in our younger days and it was heartbreaking. The control only got worse over the years. One of them had to ask for money for the toddler group sessions, fgs. It was the boiled frog scenario - it was their 'normal' and they stopped questioning it.

@Ohalrightthen, I made a very unladylike snort reading your comment and my kids asked why...

So the house is yours, the savings are yours and you ask permission to buy clothes?

Something has gone very wrong in your relationship.
You need to take back control of your money.

You work, you have 60k in savings, but you're not allowed to buy clothes?? I think you need to have a word with him.

You need to sort this out before you think of leaving him.

As time passes you’ll lose more of the house and savings, because you are married

If he pays no rent/mortgage and the property is mortgage free and his contribution to this is £10,000 - where’s his salary going?

The question you need to ask yourself is what would happen if you didn't ask?

What would happen if you told him you were spending £50 on xyz, rather than ask? Or told him after the fact?

Would he grumble and eye roll about waste but that was it? Ie tight but not abusive though - in which case you really need to grow a pair and just stop asking.

Or would there be repurcussions? If so, he's financially abusive and you need to LTB.

I think you need to work out a budget, how much you will need for clothes, make up, toileteries etc a year, divide by 12 and transfer that money into your account each month. Also there will need to be a separate sum for baby stuff NOT from your spending money account.
Arrange a proper budget for everything and then just tell him that that's the new system.
You may work part time, but he lives rent free because of you and because of that you must bring more financial gain to the family than he does.
I am sorry for you though OP that's a horrible pressure to live under.

This is ridiculous. You own house in your name, you work, you have 60k yourself in saving..
What is his fucking problem?
I was just about to say I have the same at home but you are completely different scenario than me.
I don’t work as sahm and all I have it’s child benefit which is mine and I’m expected to pay all bills from it.
Anytime I buy something I have to wait for postie outside so I can quickly hide the parcel otherwise DH will get mad.
If I would be you I would leave. You have house, money...bye!!

Jesus he sounds like a financially controlling abuser.

Leave the bastard!!

he cant tell yu how to spend yur own money

he might contrbute more in wages but you have a house and the savings hes being abusive-dont let this carry on

What a joyless life OP.

You are not being unreasonable, he is. But, you are being unreasonable to put up with this.

Just say to him;

the house is in my name, the majority of the savings are mine. I am no longer going to ask your 'permission' to buy anything ordinary. I don't need your 'permission' to spend my own money.

It's that simple. Just buy what you want, and if he notices, just say I am a grown adult, I have provided most of our savings, and our house, I am not a child who needs permission. You are not my owner.

As I said, it really is that simple. You either accept this treatment of you, or you don't. What will it be?

OP, are you reading these replies - and what do you make of them? This is no way to live, not at all. Your house, your savings - and you're frightened to buy clothes???

You know he's being unreasonable so tell him so, and just buy what you want within reason. His reaction to that, will tell you whether you need to leave him or whether you just need to tell him to stop grumbling as you are going to let it go over your head and do it anyway.

Never , when we've been at our most broke or at our most wealth have I ever asked DH permission to buy anything. Not once in 30 years.
Dh doesn't ask me either.
When we were broke we both halted any unnecessary spending. When we have more money we are free to do as we please.

Don’t give him any of your savings...he’s landed on his feet with you op

OP, what would he actually say if you just told him straight that you'll buy whatever you want, etc.

Also, what would he do if you say, went and spent £150 on clothes tomorrow?

You could also say to him "I give you permission to live in my house, that is in my name. As long as you stop expecting me to ask your permission to buy ordinary things. What I buy, is of no concern to you."