To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

What !!! Having to ask permission ? That’s ridiculous.

Do you have a three month old and working 20 hours a week?

Whose choice was it for you to go back to work after three months?

How do your salaries differ?

It sounds like financial abuse.

If I spent 150 on clothes tomorrow he’d be very annoyed. I had to start work again as self-employed and would lose business. We earn the same hourly rate, but I earn approx half his salary because I work half the time

This is abusive behavior from him

That's bad op. Does he control you in other ways?

Time to take back control of your life.
Could you take some assertiveness training.
So you can stop asking him for permission to do things.

What do you mean 'you don't get any [money]' - are you a child? Why are you asking permission like he's your sodding master. Stand up for yourself woman!!

Is this a business you have together and both work in, or your own business?

I grew up in a house full of outspoken woman so it just sounds bizzare to me that your partner would do that.

He sounds like a tightarse & a it of a tosser but being disapproving of spending isnt financial abuse. Not when he isnt stopping you working and earning your own money, you've great wodges of savings in your own name, you buy things for your hobby.

You arent compatible. He doesnt value things you would like to spend money on, and he shares that opinion with you because people are usually honest with their partner. He's not taking away your credit card, removing your access to the money, stopping you working etc.

It sounds like it wont work long term anyway, I would just walk away.

The more I think about this the more worried I am about you OP.
Where does all of his money go? DO you have good friends and family around?

I think you need to get your ducks in a row and ltb, he's abusive.
Was he not like this before you had a child together, surely the red flags were waving uncontrollably.

No it’s my own business. His money goes on bills and then just stays in our account

Only you know the reality op.

If I spent £150 on clothes tomorrow my dh would be 'very annoyed' too. But our finances are shared and we're saving like mad for a specific thing...I'd be equally annoyed if he did the same right now as we've agreed to cut all non essential spends for a while.

What happens when he's annoyed? Eye roll? Silence? Shouting? Beating?

If I spent 150 on clothes tomorrow he’d be very annoyed.

......and?

I do any number of things that leave my DH "very annoyed", likewise he does things that annoy me, I get over it

@Ohalrightthen

I make my own money and get to spend it on whatever i want. My husband could try and tell me what i should and shouldn't buy, but he'd then have to learn how to suck his own cock, so he very sensibly keeps his mouth shut.

Go girl!!!

Whatever the financial arrangements, it’s absolutely NOT ok that one partner polices the other’s spending and allocates what amounts to ‘pocket money’. What if you say no, OP? What does ‘gets very annoyed’ mean? I don’t know what my partner has in his current account and vice versa. Were I contemplating a really major purchase - a car, say, big investment in myself etc, I’d discuss my plans with him and vice versa. That’s discuss. Not ask permission. And because a very large purchase may affect us both. I have a clothes habit (made worse by lockdown-itis) but the most I get is a bit of an eye roll and a ‘crikey, another parcel?’ We’re both adults and ensure bills get paid, after that, it’s up to us.

OP why are you even with this abusive twat? You have so much money, more than many of us could ever dream of - yet your OH makes you feel guilty for buying an item of clothing. Jesus wept. We have one life OP, don't live it with a controlling twat like this. Have a talk and see where that gets you. Life is for living. And you have so much money, I can't get over that!!

I mean yeah what happens?

If I went and spent I dunno, £300 on a handbag or whatever, DH would probably be pretty unimpressed, and would sulk about it for a few days. Then a month later I would probably spill something on the bag and he'd make a cheap jibe along the lines of "well served you right for pissing away £300 quid on a bag you can't even look after", I would then sulk and then we would probably just get over it

Why do your salaries go into the joint account?

Work out how much of what you need to put into the joint account to cover your share of any bills/shared expenses.. then what you have left is yours to spend with no question.

However, seeing as you work less often than he does; I think he sees you as spending his earnings and not your own.. hence why I think you should have your salary go into your personal account and just use what ever left over fun money you hve after putting into the joint.

If you don’t have anything left after paying into the joint account then I can understand when people are particular uptight about sharing money in relationships (me and DP essentially keep our salaries to ourselves but share bills and household expenses) I can see why he’d be annoyed.. well miffed but I think if you can afford it he shouldn’t really care as it’s not putting you at a loss finically if you want something nice and can afford it

He just has a go at me saying he’s told me before about spending money

@Ohalrightthen

I make my own money and get to spend it on whatever i want. My husband could try and tell me what i should and shouldn't buy, but he'd then have to learn how to suck his own cock, so he very sensibly keeps his mouth shut.

LOLOL same here!

Exactly this.

Have your salary put into an account in your name solely. Only transfer money over for bills. You should not pay half of the bills either, if you work part time and care for your child then the bills should be proportionate to salary. think about counselling. Speak to a lawyer. Start saving your money away from his.

What does "very annoyed" look like in your house? Does he grumble, or go silent (aka sulk) or start shouting, or does he push you or hit you?

How did it get to this point?

OP you KNOW this is controlling behaviour. Either you have THE chat or you leave those are your choices. Though I suppose you also have the choice of just putting up with it and occasionally moaning on MN