To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

Set up two standing orders for £100/mth - one to each of your personal accounts. From now on, money in your personal accounts is yours to do with as you wish. Any purchases from the joint account are to be discussed first (yes, his as well as yours).

He’s financially abusive. You should leave him. It sounds like you’d be fine without him financially.

These threads depress me so much.

We need to start teaching our sons how to behave and our daughters what they should expect.

I thank the lucky stars for my PIL who brought up both of their sons as feminists and would never dream of behaving like that.

I would not let him away with that. Not nice. He sounds very mean. Hate meanness not a nice trait.

It all depends on how much and how often you buy clothes. If you buy clothes as and when needed, yanbu and he’s being controlling. If you are spending yourself out of house and home, have two wardrobes full of clothes you never wear because you are a shopaholic yabu.

Wow he sounds delightful.

No you should not be asking his permission to spend family money on normal run of the mill purchases.

I wouldn't even ask permission for big ticket items. I might give DH a heads up and show him e.g. new washing machine. But I wouldn't be asking permission. It's family money, it's being spent on the family. No one person gets to decide how it is or isn't spent.

I couldn't stand to be with a miser. Joyless. I bet he's stingy in other ways too.

Other than this, how do you feel about him?

This isn't about money, it's about control. Control is what you have to do now. Arrange for your salary to be paid into your personal account and pay a % into the joint. If he says anything about paying in more say you'll charge him rent. It's either this or kick the freeloader out!

I'm in a potentially similar financial situation (v. small mortgage, good savings, decent joint income). We have £100 each a month for clothes and I have £150 for the (3) children's clothes. Other stuff for the children or house I just buy from the joint account. We would discuss a large purchase. I find £100 fine for my clothes & books & occasional meal out but DH would increase it if needed and was happy for me to go on a short holiday alone with a friend and fund that from joint savings. Earlier on in my marriage we did used to run everything by each other but I didn't feel I had enough freedom so we switched to this model which works well for us.

OP this is totally controlling behaviour by your DH and not acceptable. You are clearly not struggling for money and don't have a frivolous spending habit and I think you know that being scared of spending money on things for yourself/your baby is not right.
You either need to insist on a proportion of your wages to spend/save as you see fit or get the hell out of this relationship.
When I married my DH we earned similar amounts. Then his career took off and he earned more - but all the money went into a joint account and I managed the finances (I worked in finance). A few years down the line and 2 DCs later (both with disabilities of varying degrees) i gave up work as DH earned way more (and enough to support us all) and the DCs needed me full time. The money has always continued to be in the joint account with equal access by both of us. Minor spending requires no discussion. Bigger purchases are discussed but not in an asking permission kind of way. I know of other couples who don't work like this and it all seems way to complicated to me with many discussions about who owes what to who. I couldn't live like that.

Hi OP,

If you are going to end the relationship, do it sooner rather than later. If this situation goes on for many more years then you may end up having to give him some of your house if you split up.

Well I think it really does depend. I have sadly witnessed someone continuously want to buy just another thing until the house had to be sold because they had so much debt. She was so hopeless with money she couldn't understand everything that had to be paid for in normal life.

Sadly it was fuelled by people having conversations with her like this silly thread.

Hugely abusive.

He is mean.

Probably married you for your house.

Now he controls your money.

Get yourself to a solicitor and get rid of him.

The longer he is with you, the great his claim.

Tell the solicitor that he is controlling your money.

This is a crime.

For goodness sake wake up and stop allowing this man to control you.

You have a responsibility to your child.

Get the prick out and don't allow him near you.

Do not have another child with this horrible man.

Women's Aid.
101....he won't allow you spend your money.

Hugely abusive.
Get your paperwork sorted.

Fuck him. I used to see this as decent behaviour to consult eachother. Except I was the only one doing the consulting. DH has always been generous and would be horrified to read this but I did it because I thought it was reasonable. When I stopped he didn't mind

@Wearywithteens

“It all depends on how much and how often you buy clothes. If you buy clothes as and when needed, yanbu and he’s being controlling. If you are spending yourself out of house and home, have two wardrobes full of clothes you never wear because you are a shopaholic yabu.”

It doesn’t ‘depend’ on anything. She is entitled to be a shopaholic or buy whatever frivolous trifles she likes if she’s spending money she’s earned. It’s not for him to decide this on her behalf ffs. You are obviously in the same controlling mindset.

If she spends ALL the money she’s earned on civility’s stiff, of course it would be an issue because then the other person in the relationship is paying for ALL the day-to-day.

It’s all about balance and discussion basically, in shared finances. Or you don’t have shared finances at all and that STILL needs discussion when you’ve got children together.

What ie the legal situation with your house ? I see that your parents used to own it and it’s now it your name.

Did you get it before or after you married him ?

Are you legally married?

Did you get legal advice about the house?

Well first thing tomorrow a get your employer to change the account your salary is paid into so it goes into your joint account. Then set up a standing order to pay whatever you deem a reasonable amount into the joint account (assuming this is where bills are paid from). In fact pay in less.

No need to mention it to him till it's done. Depending on how much he is prepared to discuss like a civilised adult, then maybe increase a little the amount you pay to your joint account.

@Ohalrightthen

And then he’d have to learn how to suck his own cock

Really
Made me laugh

But op , i think your husband is the type who thinks everything is unnecessary , and has no thought for buying cos you like it , or because you want it , and if he thinks it’s frivolous then tbh that’s his tough luck . He sounds like he is a miserable sod
Life’s too short buy what you like if you can afford it and it sounds like you can

Who
Made him the boss ??

Definitely, 100% start having your salary paid into your own account!!

Just do it- I've no idea why you wouldn't. Pay some of your salary into the joint account by standing order, not the other way round!

You do not need to ask your DH whether it is ok- just get it done!

We share our money and always have. We currently have separate current accounts for historical reasons (I have been with my bank for thirty years before I met DH) but we still share money freely. There is no concept of paying bills proportionally or having x amount of pocket money each.

You have a joint account, I think moving to separate accounts and separating money is a backwards step to be honest. You have access to funds so cannot you buy what you want without asking? If you feel that would lead to “trouble” then yes you are being financially abused.

I do not ask permission for the majority of my purchases, certainly not articles of clothing for myself anyway. If I was considering a larger purchase then I would discuss it.

@Wearywithteens

NoSquirrels - you’re wrong. That is not the situation here. He is a controlling abusive prick. And there is no excuses for controlling the finances of another person - yes, even if they’re profligate with ‘wardrobes full of clothes’.

I didn’t say it was the situation here and yes OP’s DH does sound financially controlling/abusive.

But you can’t say “It doesn’t ‘depend’ on anything.” Of course it does! It depends on there bring enough money to go around generally. If she’s “entitled to be a shopaholic or buy whatever frivolous trifles she likes if she’s spending money she’s earned” that does assume that there’s an overall budget in which this isn’t a problem. No adult can spend 100% of their earnings on frivolities.

I’m not saying in this specific OP’s circumstances, I’m talking generally.

We both work. One joint account into which we put the same amount each month, and that pays bills, council tax etc.

Then he has his own account and I have mine. We rarely consult the other before we buy things using our own money.

So you are not short of money at all. And in fact are more financially secure than most.
So this is completely unreasonable on every level.