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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

404 replies

Tiredmum195 · 28/01/2021 17:13

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/01/2021 19:35

@Tiredmum195

Yes he has done well...
Exactly.

Really depressing and unbelievable.

Get organised OP.

Flowers
CorianderBee · 28/01/2021 19:37

Then (unless you fear it would put you in actual danger) fuck him if he's annoyed. Like seriously, who does he think he is? You earned that money and so long as bills and food are paid for you have a right to buy a new top or some hobby equipment every month.

'I've told you before about spending money.'

'And, I've never said this before, but I will say it every time you try to control me on such a petty matter. I want to enjoy my life and sometimes that means spending a bit of money that I earned on things to enjoy like clothes, or equipment.

'So I wont be asking your permission any more and if you have an issue with that then that's your problem and you can get over it sharpish. I'm not a child to be controlled.'

BlueSuffragette · 28/01/2021 19:38

OP you are being controlled and financially abused. He doesn't treat you like an equal in this relationship. Because the marriage us short if you ended it then he would have little claim on your house. Make sure your £60k savings are still there and haven't been skimmed off by him. Seek advice from a good divorce lawyer and divorce him asap. You will get to keep your house and the bulk of your savings. DH will have to contribute maintenance to help support your child. You will manage well without him. Life is far too short to live with a controlling tightarse who robs you of joy. Get rid asap and enjoy doing what makes you happy. Do you have any family who can support you in real life?

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 28/01/2021 19:41

This is ridiculous. Seek some help in real life, talk to someone and make a plan for getting rid of this man. This is no way to life. Do you want your child to grow up like this?

Ruddyfedup · 28/01/2021 19:44

Get that 60k in an account in your name only that he has no access to and id take half of whatever is left aswell seeing as its half your wages youre not allowed to spend

Marinaloves · 28/01/2021 19:45

Fuck me. And you married this man?

Kokosrieksts · 28/01/2021 19:46

You’re a working adult that is raising a child. Of course it is not normal you having to ask permission to buy a jumper.
Get your salary transferred to your personal account and only put a fair amount in the joint.

ArabellaScott · 28/01/2021 19:52

He is angry if you spend money, but he lives in your family home and shares your savings?

OP, it doesn't look great. Are you happy?

candlemasbells · 28/01/2021 19:53

You’ve not been married long so I would go and seek advice and see how much he would get if you got divorced. Might be worth doing it sooner than later. Men are difficult to change

EwwSprouts · 28/01/2021 19:53

Stick some of those inherited savings in a pension for you. He does not get to unilaterally decide whether you need a new jumper & is unreasonable!

Kona84 · 28/01/2021 19:55

If a spouse is controlling money it is a form of domestic abuse

www.bustle.com/p/if-your-partner-does-these-11-things-it-may-be-financial-abuse-10139159

ZippedyDooDa · 28/01/2021 19:56

I think Mumsnet maybe needs to produce some guides on subjects like this. Controlling behaviour. Financial abuse. I know everyone's situation is different, but man alive, this is ridiculous.
Another thing I've noticed time and again on MN, and this thread shows it too, is that when a man and woman get together and produce a child(ren), the woman obviously takes time off work for childbirth, recovery and breastfeeding etc and this goes into months/years so isn't earning, or is earning less than the man - and yet the man still sees his entire earnings as his, rather than family money. Mumsnet please consider producing some sort of guide to tell women that this is NOT right, it is financial and emotional abuse.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/01/2021 19:56

So OP just walk away.

Theres nothing stopping you is there, it's all your money.

Make you have all your assets in your name, tell him you would like to separate. Give him a reasonable time to find new digs.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 28/01/2021 19:59

He isnt controlling the money

Yes he is getting upset when she spends it but he's not actually stopping her, it's all in her name, she works and earns her own money, she spends some on her hobby. She can walk away with all the money any time she likes. What "control" is he actually exerting?

SummerWhisper · 28/01/2021 19:59

Your money is his money and he now owns your freedom. Get rid of him and live a brilliant life. You can afford to buy in help and you will not need him in your life. Do your hobby to your heart's content, you and your child will be so happy. Right now, your unhappiness will not improve and his tightness will impact on your child.

Lavanderrose · 28/01/2021 20:00

Mine was like this before but now I just ignore

Hankunamatata · 28/01/2021 20:00

Sit down and work out a budget including weekly money for stuff for the baby and spending money each.

cansu · 28/01/2021 20:03

You have no mortgage and 70K in savings and you are not allowed to buy things without asking. You need to tell him clearly that you disagree with him and will buy what you want unnecessary or not within reason. If he disagrees, you need to start putting your salary in a different account. Work out what is fair in terms of contributions to living expenses and then suit yourself. We have a joint account for food, house and bills etc and the rest of our money stays in our individual accounts. I would not be happy to ahve to ask permission to buy something.

pointythings · 28/01/2021 20:03

Divorce him, now. This is absolutely financial abuse, and the longer you stay, the more he will enrich himself.

Definitely check whether those savings are still there - if not, chances are he has also been stealing from you.

Either way you need out of this marriage as soon as you can.

fedupathome · 28/01/2021 20:04

OP
We got married when we were really young and I'll never forget how tough it was .
My husband went to work and i finished uni and had our DS1.
I had nothing to live off aside from £80 a month child benefit which I used to buy nappies baby milk toys etc.

My husband never gave me a penny and I was too scared to ask as we literally had no money.

I went to work when DS1 was 6 months old and now earn more than my husband .
We share bills equally but have our own accounts.

What I went through was awful and being so young I didn't know any better and I guess neither did he.

We have kids and I pay most of the kids outgoings as I earn more but I wouldn't ever have a joint account or explain to him what I'm spending my own money on.

We discuss big purchases etc.

To this day I would never let my dh dictate what I can or cannot buy or what to do with my earnings.

NotSorry · 28/01/2021 20:04

@Hankunamatata

Sit down and work out a budget including weekly money for stuff for the baby and spending money each.
agree

that's how we do it and neither of us are allowed to question the other on what we spend our "pocket money" on

either that, or leave

Youmeanyouvelostyourkey · 28/01/2021 20:04

As OP has a lot of money in savings and owns the house, maybe he is being like this to get some power as he feels she has the upper hand and he doesn't want her to use it.
Also pp are saying walk away, it's not quite so easy as he has to leave being her house.

And no, not condoning it in the slightest, i couldn't live like that and would be long gone.

Arrivederla · 28/01/2021 20:05

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

So OP just walk away.

Theres nothing stopping you is there, it's all your money.

Make you have all your assets in your name, tell him you would like to separate. Give him a reasonable time to find new digs.

It doesn't work like this if the op is married.

The house and savings will count as joint assets and would normally probably be split 50:50. The thing in your favour op is that you are in a short marriage at 3.5 years; after 5 years it will be worse for you financially. If you are going to leave get a move on!

PurpleMustang · 28/01/2021 20:05

He has a cheek to moan when you have brought most of the money to the family. You need to decide how you want this to change. So you know how much the bills are, write down all the other costs that are joint, so childcare, baby clothes etc, how much into savings. Work out the ratio are you ding halves or him 75, you 25 with working ratio. Then decide on how much fun money you each get. Then decide that either salaries paid into individual accounts and then transfer amounts to cover all joint costs into joint account. Or all into joint and fun money into individual. If he moans still you know he won't change. Although need to be careful if you are married about losing half of house and savings of he leaves.

IEat · 28/01/2021 20:05

I’d want to know why he the smaller things (eg not a car etc) as wasteful
Maybe he grew up with nothing or one of his parents acted the same way as he is.
But I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t treat me as an equal. It’s a partnership. He’s not your parent you don’t get given pocket money every Saturday!!