To be sick of my husband not letting me buy stuff?

[Tiredmum195]

Hi all,
Just wondering what arrangements other people have with their Dh with regards to spending money? I’m struggling with my dh being pretty controlling with regards to spending money. Eg, if I want to buy an item of clothing I would have to basically ask him first and quite often he will say, you don’t need that etc. If I just order something without consulting him first, I will get a very disapproving look and he will complain. Aibu to think I shouldn’t need his permission?

The thing is

OP feels guilty if she spends.

She hasn't actually said what, if anything, her DP actually does or says that is so bad apart from be tight with money but a lot of people see that as a virtue.

OP why isn't his name on the house & why are all the savings in your name? If he was a woman and you were a man people would question that.

We do it the other way round here. We receive our wages individually and each put a fair contribution into the joint account to cover household expenses, plus some to create a contingency for things like washing machine breakdown etc. We ha e joint savings but also maintain our own S&S ISAs (and are very competitive about the performance of them!).
I grew up with a financially abusive father and watched my mum struggle - I will never let anyone control my money. My sisters are the same. Luckily, I married a man who has no tendencies to control anything or anyone, so laid back almost horizontal. Last summer. I made a £700 purchase of something for the garden, paid for out of my own wages and overtime earned during lockdown. I was so happy about, especially since i thought the whole family would enjoy it. They did. So much so that my dh transferred the money for it back to my account from joint money, as he said it was a family purchase.
Your dh's attitude is quite wrong and you need to change your arrangements and let him moan and complain, then shut up or ship out.

@Tiredmum195

He just has a go at me saying he’s told me before about spending money

And what do you say to that?

Do you know why he feels this way? Childhood poverty, a plan to retire at 40/travel the world?

We have the same amount of spending money for "stuff" each month. If DH wanted to save it and spend £1k of that on hobby equipment that's up to him. If I want to spend mine on a designer bag I could. The rest of our money goes into an account for bills, saving etc. I would only be annoyed if he got into debt, or was spending it on something illegal or immoral.

I would have a huge problem with my DH doing what yours does. It's absolutely abusive and against the law.

Tell him if you want to spend money you earn and can afford to spend you fucking well will and it's not his business.

Neither of ask the others permission unless it’s an expensive purchase, a car, holiday, piece of furniture. Eg I wanted a new car, told him, we looked at them together, I chose it. For holiday purchases we’ll discuss a budget and then I book it, he gets bored doing it. I might go a couple hundred over or under. If I spent £300 on a bag he would not be too impressed.

House is in my name bc my dad gave it to me. Savings were my mum’s that I inherited

I'll bet he's skimming some into his account, mark my words.

You both need separate money for spends which is agreed in amount but not subject.

You need to have a discussion about finances.

I hope the savings you have are in your name only,

We have joint accounts but never question what each other spends however if dh did question , I’d get my wages moved to my own account and deal with money that way.

I wouldn’t have anyone telling me what I can and can’t spend. This is financial abuse.

I just spent £100 on new make up (online). Didn’t even think to tell DH never mind ask him.

OP you situation is NOT normal.

One of the main reasons for divorce are money issues. It really needs to be one of those things like the discussion on children that needs to be aired BEFORE marriage/living together IMO

It's not up to him to agree, he is not the boss of you, really really really that must sink in.
With your comfortable finances you tell him you need at least £2k in your account for whatever the fuck you fancy

What does he want - to be the richest man in the graveyard? You’ve put everything you’ve got into the marriage, and he is telling you off for spending! You mentioned thinking about leaving him before - I think you should consider it again, strongly! Especially if people are right that you wouldn’t have to give much away as it’s a short marriage.

But you're married?

There are any numbers of threads on here where people tell women that "its family money" and they deserve a 50% share in whatever their DH has financially.

How does your DH feel about that? Maybe he wants to save more to try and buy something together that he can call his own.

You need to push back and be clear that you won't have your spending controlled in this way.

I might suggest he has therapy to look at both his relationship with money and his control issues.
( but I'm currently in the states where people have therapy for everything)

Honestly it sounds like you are simply miles apart in terms of your financial choices and aims, I would just walk away.everything is in your name, so I don't really call that financial abuse. Emotional abuse maybe but you could spend that money whenever you want.

You’re financially very secure. You can afford to award yourself some money to enjoy life. I’m in a similar position to you and have £300 fun money per month.

He has appointed himself head of the household. In charge, generally, and of you. Views you as less than his equal. He’s decided that it’s his values and priorities that matter. Almost like he’s your supervisor entitled to issue instructions. Unacceptable in a marriage.

It’s the lack of respect that would make me leave.

If you choose to stay you need to say quite clearly:

I’m no longer prepared for you to conduct yourself as if you are entitled to make decisions about what I as an adult spend my earnings on. From now on my salary will be paid to my own account. I will contribute x to the joint account for household expenditure. (You choose how much to spend and how much to save) If you’d like to discuss a joint approach to finances, I’m prepared to do that. If you can’t work as an equal partnership, this is how it’s going to be.

Or there are debts that you don't know about?

I get so cross when I hear about the return of these 1950s standards in 2020 relationships. At shift end the other night, in atrocious weather, a female colleague offered a lift to a male colleague. He refused it because his partner would 'go off' if she saw him dropped off by another woman. You can imagine my remarks!

OP you inherited the house from your parents so it's solely yours? You run your own business and have 60k savings that are yours, although they would probably get split equally in a divorce unless there's se reason he wouldn't be entitled to them?
Why are you still with him?

What would he do if you just transferred £300 into your account every month? Are you scared of punishment?

Because you're quite wealthy and your house means he doesn't have to pay rent/mortgage. So I'm unsure why he's being so tight. Sounds like he just likes to control you.

I'd just do it and tell him to lump it but I'm luckily not afraid of my partner. Hope you find a solution.

@Tiredmum195

I also have a hobby that I’m very into which I buy things for ... but I guess I do this instead of buying clothes, make up etc. But he thinks it’s unreasonable even though I’m trying to make a business out of it and it’s my pleasure in life.

If you have a chronic illness and are still able to work 20hrs atm...be sure to keep your "hobby " going and if possible build it up. This could be a fall back situation should your health or relationship ever deteriorate. It's your house , you have a young child to set an example to so don't let this financial abuse go on. Sit him down and tell him straight. But not before securing your own bank account with new passwords etc. making sure you're safe financially.

He also seems to have done very well in this marriage. He's landed an extra £60k in savings and a fully paid for house. The fucking audacity of him.

Have you asked him why he is so tight with money?
Tell him with no mortgage and both having income his attitude is controlling and not attractive. That if you want to buy clothing you will. That you will be spending £100 a month on things you want, and if he doesn't like it the door is behind him.

Yes he has done well...

@Deathgrip

What would happen if you said “I’m not living like this any more. My wages will now be going into my own account and I’ll put x amount in the joint account for bills”?

I don’t understand why you don’t get any money when you have access to the account and loads of savings - why don’t you just spend it? I’m assuming you’re scared of him?

This is what I’d be saying!!!!!

It’s your family home, technically he should be contributing towards it!