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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to take his children out sometimes rather than roping me into his contact every week?

264 replies

OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:14

My partner lives with me in my small masionette, due to lockdown he has his children here every week as nowhere is open to take them.

I don't mind this generally as I'm very fond of the children but sometimes I want/need my own space. Today is one of those times as I feel run down.

I also don't think it's good (for them) that every time they see their dad they have to spend that time with me too.

WIBU to suggest he gets creative with his contact time and takes them to parks/on walks sometimes as opposed to just sitting in here watching tv or playing the PlayStation?

OP posts:
MissMarpleDarling · 28/01/2021 20:08

YANBU OP

Frankola · 28/01/2021 20:18

YANBU at all. These aren't your kids so you should have time for yourself whenever you want to

phoenixrosehere · 28/01/2021 20:50

But OP has said she doesn't want to go to bed and rest - she wants to have the house to herself so she can chill in peace. I don't think that's appropriate when she a) can go to her room if she wants to be alone and b) she chose to move in a man with children, knowing they'd have contact at the house and c) only has them there twice a week to start with.

Where did she say that?

She says she is unwell physically and mentally this week. She is usually happy for them to come over and spends time with them, but this week it is going to be too much for her. She doesn’t feel well enough to walk around and trying to rest in her room is going to be difficult because of the loudness of his children who he says he’ll “try” to keep quiet. She also feels bad for locking herself away while they are there and has said herself it is her issue.

She should be able to rest without having to worry about his children being loud. Her partner should be able to quiet his children and stop them from getting irate over a video game. These aren’t small children, these are children who should know better.

There is a massive difference between relaxing because you want time for yourself and relaxing because you are unwell.

miserableannie · 28/01/2021 21:13

Lol maisonette. Just say flat. You live in a flat

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 28/01/2021 21:28

@miserableannie

Lol maisonette. Just say flat. You live in a flat
There's a difference. A maisonette has it's own main front door, a flat has a communal entrance.
WeAllHaveWings · 28/01/2021 21:31

@miserableannie

Lol maisonette. Just say flat. You live in a flat
A maisonette is usually over two floors, so very different from a flat.
billy1966 · 28/01/2021 22:13

OP,
The noise of screaming children playing PS4 is just awful.

It would do a persons head in.
Even more so in a small space.
Even at a good distance in a house with solid walls its a VERY annoying noise.

You sound very passive.
This is YOUR house.

He needs to be more competitive.

Amazing how quickly these newly single dads quickly find single women with a home of their own and can help with parenting.

He sounds lazy.
Think hard about having a child with him.

Mind yourself OP.
He sounds like he suits himself.

Hope you feel better soon.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/01/2021 22:28

@miserableannie

Lol maisonette. Just say flat. You live in a flat
Maisonettes usually have two floors. So a house, set on top of another flat.
Givemeabreak88 · 28/01/2021 23:15

I’m in a 3 bed maisonette and it’s definitely more of a house than a flat, I have my own front and back garden. A dining room and an upstairs, it’s pretty much a house with a single (1 bed flat/ not maisonette as it’s only on one floor ) on top of it, but the whole lay out inside is the same as a house, a flat is when it’s only on one level.

converseandjeans · 28/01/2021 23:18

Not RTFT but honestly this would put me off him. He can't be bothered to take his kids out. He sounds lazy and not the best Dad in the world. I agree with you that he should be having time on his own with the children.

converseandjeans · 28/01/2021 23:19

billy1966 yes think about having kids with this man. He sounds rubbish.

lovepickledlimes · 28/01/2021 23:34

YANBU about wishing your partner to keep the kids quiet so you can rest. YANBU to expect him to entertain them with something other then the PlayStation especially if it is causing noise issues. He needs to explain their either keep the noise to a respectful manner or no more PlayStation

YABU to expect your partner and kids to go out in the middle of winter if there is nothing to do or go that is indoors. The weather is cold and horrible so I doubt most adults would enjoy going out in bad weather.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/01/2021 23:42

Oh just use your words, and tell your DP to take the kids to the park or for a walk or something. No, you shouldn't have to tell him but clearly you do. Just speak up, and give yourself a break.

RootyT00t · 28/01/2021 23:57

OP this is not about you thinking they should be outside more really is it Grin

Ans it's not your maisonette. It's you and your partner's and their home.

yABU.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 29/01/2021 07:59

@Givemeabreak88

I’m in a 3 bed maisonette and it’s definitely more of a house than a flat, I have my own front and back garden. A dining room and an upstairs, it’s pretty much a house with a single (1 bed flat/ not maisonette as it’s only on one floor ) on top of it, but the whole lay out inside is the same as a house, a flat is when it’s only on one level.
I have a maisonette but it's only a single floor with another one above us. It's classed as a maisonette rather than a flat as I have my own front and back doors rather than a communal entrance.
Givemeabreak88 · 29/01/2021 08:51

That would still be classed as a gff where I am

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 29/01/2021 09:01

@Givemeabreak88

That would still be classed as a gff where I am
Does it really matter? That's not what the thread is about.

The OP called it a maisonette because that is an acceptable word to use. She could have called it a flat. An appartment. A duplex. A pied a terre. A home. A house.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 29/01/2021 09:02

Where did she say that?

Earlier in the thread - post number 3 or 4of hers says she feels she shouldn't have to take herself off to bed to get peace and quiet.

Yes, she should be able to rest but it's her partners home as well, so that's where his contact takes place. There should be compromise - she goes off to bed and he keeps the teenagers quiet in the living room. He shouldn't get booted out to the park because OP doesn't feel like she should have to go to bed.

She has five days a week without the children here, so I think booting them out on the two days they are with their dad is a bit harsh - especially in the middle of January during a pandemic. It's not like he can take them to McDonald's or the cinema - they'd be stuck outside in the cold and wet. Not exactly enjoyable contact time!

Givemeabreak88 · 29/01/2021 09:08

No it doesn’t matter it was someone else that brought up it wasnt a maisonette if it’s one floor, I was only responding 🙄

phoenixrosehere · 29/01/2021 09:45

She has five days a week without the children here, so I think booting them out on the two days they are with their dad is a bit harsh - especially in the middle of January during a pandemic.

How is it harsh? It for this week, not every week going forward while OP is poorly. If it was for an extended time period, I would agree but for two days when they have been over seemingly every week since summer while OP is poorly is not.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 29/01/2021 11:30

My problem would be the noise. If they are shouting and screaming on the Playstation I'd expect DP to tell them to keep it down.

TallTowerFan · 29/01/2021 11:59

Yep. The noise is The biggest problem there. Most members of my household are into gaming. The only time it's an issue for me is if there's shouting or if people don't use headphones.

When my son was younger he'd shout and sound rather aggressive when something didn't go his way in his game. I'd take away his console for 24hrs every time this happened and he got the message eventually and stopped.

Also. Have you tried a white noise machine? Perhaps ask your partner to buy you one , it'll help when you need to rest and recover.

gannett · 29/01/2021 12:05

He sounds lazy.
He can't be bothered to take his kids out. He sounds lazy and not the best Dad in the world.

OP has said that in the summer he took his kids out every day when he had them, and even now takes them to the playground on the way back from collecting them. Staying at home in foul weather does not make him a lazy parent.

Bibidy · 29/01/2021 12:17

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Where did she say that?

Earlier in the thread - post number 3 or 4of hers says she feels she shouldn't have to take herself off to bed to get peace and quiet.

Yes, she should be able to rest but it's her partners home as well, so that's where his contact takes place. There should be compromise - she goes off to bed and he keeps the teenagers quiet in the living room. He shouldn't get booted out to the park because OP doesn't feel like she should have to go to bed.

She has five days a week without the children here, so I think booting them out on the two days they are with their dad is a bit harsh - especially in the middle of January during a pandemic. It's not like he can take them to McDonald's or the cinema - they'd be stuck outside in the cold and wet. Not exactly enjoyable contact time!

OP is concerned about shutting herself in her bedroom as she feels it's a bit hostile and she doesn't want the kids to feel like she doesn't want them around or doesn't like them.

I think there is a huge middle ground between sending the kids out all day and her having to lock herself in her bedroom to get a bit of peace and quiet.

These kids are not toddlers, they are old enough to keep it down if asked!! Their dad could certainly remind them not to keep yelling, and also take them for a walk even for an hour to help his partner enjoy these weekends more. Presumably in a maisonette there are also up/downstairs neighbours who would appreciate less shouting from the children too.

There is compromise in every relationship. I'm sure OP would probably rather that she didn't have 2 noisy kids living with her every other weekend but that is a compromise she makes in order to be in a relationship with her DP. He could definitely be doing a little more to make it better for her as well.

LadyStarlight · 29/01/2021 12:38

Why do people keep referring to the kids as teenagers? She clearly stated they're 10 and 12.

OP seems incompatible to being with a guy who has kids. She's got plenty of kid free time and wants more kid free time on his visitation days. It's just not feasible.