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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to take his children out sometimes rather than roping me into his contact every week?

264 replies

OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:14

My partner lives with me in my small masionette, due to lockdown he has his children here every week as nowhere is open to take them.

I don't mind this generally as I'm very fond of the children but sometimes I want/need my own space. Today is one of those times as I feel run down.

I also don't think it's good (for them) that every time they see their dad they have to spend that time with me too.

WIBU to suggest he gets creative with his contact time and takes them to parks/on walks sometimes as opposed to just sitting in here watching tv or playing the PlayStation?

OP posts:
Chiccie · 28/01/2021 11:41

Is he paying half of all the bills and all the rent? If he is then that changes what he can expect to happen

Chiccie · 28/01/2021 11:42

Or have you just moved in some feckless bloke who can’t look after himself or his own kids because you’d rather put up with anything than he on your own?

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:43

I've been with him just over 3 years and he has lived here for approx 1 year.

The children are 10-12 and they come twice a week.

I'm very fond of them and enjoy their company 99% of the time but I'm only human and sometimes I need a bit of peace and quiet and time to myself. I have some health stuff going on which means I'm run down and not feeling my best.

I will end up shutting myself in the bedroom with a book by the looks of it but that only solves half of the problem, I do still think he should take them out sometimes.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/01/2021 11:43

Crappy parenting by your DP.

Playnoh · 28/01/2021 11:45

This is so funny, a mum on here the other day got a bashing because she stayed in for ONE day with her child, she was called lazy, shit all of the rude Mn judgements for not taking her child out for one day. Now with roles reversed and a step mum is saying the kids should go out more she is getting a bashing for not wanting the kids at her house!

You can never win on this site.

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:46

He contributes to the bills yes.

He had been split from their mother for almost 18 months before we got together.

OP posts:
Chiccie · 28/01/2021 11:46

Well they are still young and still have teenage years to go through so you’d best communicate it and sort it out now. Noise levels and intrusion are only going to get worse not better. If you’re finding it too much now then that doesn’t bode well. Are you sure you’re compatible? Why wouldn’t you be with somebody with no kids if you find it this hard twice a week. You’ve got 5 other days of zero children. You need to ask yourself some honest questions as to why this bothers you so much and if you want this for the next 8-10 years. You don’t have to want to be around children. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but be honest about it

Chiccie · 28/01/2021 11:48

and to be honest age 10-12 is probably the easiest of all ages. I don’t think you’ve got any clue what’s coming. Batten down the hatches!

Chiccie · 28/01/2021 11:51

and if anything ever happens to mum they’re probably going to move in with you full time. Being a step parent carries responsibilities. I’m reading between the lines but you don’t really seem invested in all of this.

Seeline · 28/01/2021 11:55

IS it just since lockdown that they are staying in, or has he never taken them out?

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:55

The driving factor in why I'm feeling this way today is because I have some health stuff going on which is making me feel run down and unwell. That is then taking its toll on my MH. With all that said, I just want some time to myself.

Usually I quite look forward to them coming and am only too happy to join in whatever they're doing.

I can understand if people think I sound selfish, I probably am being a little.

I know people don't usually get to check out when kids are involved and I would never want him to not have them on account of what is going on with me, but I think a fair compromise would be to spend some of his time with them where it's just him and them, for their sake as much as mine.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 28/01/2021 11:56

This thread is funny.

Posters are not paying attention to the fact while it is currently the bf's home it is the OP's house.

Anyway OP yes he is being lazy if they are active kids. He needs to buy them waterproofs and appropriate footwear - you can buy them from outdoor shops online - then take them out every single day he had them for a minimum of 45 minutes.

Also unless you both can afford a bigger place for when they hit their teenage years, he needs to move out again. That way he has his own space to have them in and parents them on his own, but you can escape.

rowmaccerd · 28/01/2021 11:58

Are you in UK where its meant to be lockdown so you aren't meant to be going out?

Is it cold wet and windy out?
Are all the public buildings and toilets closed?

Can't see the issue to be honest. If you had posted he keeps taking them out unnecessarily in lockdown and then they come back cold and wet he would be being called a tosser for that.

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:58

@Seeline

IS it just since lockdown that they are staying in, or has he never taken them out?
He took them out alot in the summer, parks, woods, walks etc but always invited me and I happily went along as the kids expressed wanting me to.

It has been since summer that all contact is had here and they don't go out anywhere.

I'm pretty sure the kids are bored shitless too.

OP posts:
Freshprincess · 28/01/2021 11:58

Why can’t you just tell him that you’re not feeling so good, you need some peace so can he take them out for an hour?
It’s so hard at the moment, I can’t even remember that last time I was in the house by myself.

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:59

We're in the UK where the lockdown is yes, but we're still entitled to go out for exercise.

OP posts:
PinkyParrot · 28/01/2021 12:02

Are you planning to have DCs with this man.
If so are you sure it's a good idea Grin

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:02

The plan is for us to get a bigger house together which will work wonderfully when it happens but covid has put a pause on life for the time being.

This is all very temporary and things won't be like this forever, I'll get better, the pandemic will pass and life will go on.

It's just particularly difficult atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:03

@PinkyParrot

Are you planning to have DCs with this man. If so are you sure it's a good idea Grin
I haven't ruled it out in the distant future but not anytime soon I'm not no.
OP posts:
Bibidy · 28/01/2021 12:05

I feel your pain OP.

My DP & I live together in a one-bed flat and in each lockdown my stepchildren have been here every other weekend, Friday-Sunday. DP usually goes to PIL's for his weekends with them due to space and so they can see their grandparents, but obviously can't do that in lockdown.

I know how you feel because I don't get a minute to myself when they are here either. I am expected to join in with absolutely everything, unless I already have plans of my own that mean I'm out of the house.

I'm not sure what to suggest though as your situation seems to be permanent whereas I am just counting down to the end of lockdown!

I think that while your DP could take the kids out to the park or for a walk, realistically at this time of year that would only buy you and hour or so to yourself. Even in normal times, unless he takes them on full days out to zoos or the beach etc (which I guess he'd probably want you to join in with?) you won't be getting much time to yourself.

Would it be possible to move to a bigger place so you could at least have some space while still being at home?

LadyStarlight · 28/01/2021 12:05

But if they're only there a couple of times a week, surely you have space and time to yourself the rest of the time? The weather is lousy just now, can't imagine many kids wanting to go out in this tbh.

StephenBelafonte · 28/01/2021 12:06

What does he say when you ask him to take them out?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/01/2021 12:06

Who does all the kid related chores while they are here? Who cooks for them? Launder their clothes? Makes sure they are washed and dressed? Does homework?

Bibidy · 28/01/2021 12:06

Sorry just seen your update re moving. Totally appreciate it's not an ideal time.

Pinkdelight3 · 28/01/2021 12:11

I think YABU at the moment. It's shitty outside and the max I can drag my kids for a walk every day is half-an-hour. You say yourself you aren't in the mood for going out in the cold and clearly he isn't either. It's not football at the park weather and you said he took them out plenty in the summer so I'd say it's not laziness and just another unfortunate tough aspect of lockdown in a small setting. Still, it's only a couple of times a week so you get your own space and if you want more, he needs to get his own place. It doesn't really sound like he's 'roping you in' to it, as you say you voluntarily went out with them previously so can't resent that.

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