Page 10 | To want DP to take his children out sometimes rather than roping me into his contact every week?

OreoIce · 2021-01-28T11:14:29+00:00

My partner lives with me in my small masionette, due to lockdown he has his children here every week as nowhere is open to take them. I don't mind this generally as I'm very fond of the children but sometimes I want/need my own space. Today is one of those times as I feel run down. I also don't think it's good (for them) that every time they see their dad they have to spend that time with me too. WIBU to suggest he gets creative with his contact time and takes them to parks/on walks sometimes as opposed to just sitting in here watching tv or playing the PlayStation?

billy1966 · 29/01/2021 13:05

I think until you have a child on ps4 headphones, roaring in excitement and laughing and screeching it really is hard to understand how annoying it is.

It's harmless and they having great fun but it is the most annoying noise because they are often shouting to be heard over up to 6 or 8 friends.

There is no way it would a noise that is bearable in close quarters for hours on end IMO.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 29/01/2021 13:05

That's not the impression I get @LadyStarlight. She's not well as the children sound as though they are incapable of being quiet (I understand children make a noise, but they don't have to scream and shout). In her position I would say I don't feel well, I'm going to bed, can you please keep the noise down and I'll see you later.

CruCru · 29/01/2021 13:06

I don’t think the OP is being unreasonable. Having a partner who has children does not mean that the OP is required to amuse or even hang out with them constantly. There are people on here who’ve said that this is what it’s like when you have children - it isn’t for me. There are people who constantly bring out games and activities to amuse their children but I’m not one of them (and my children are younger than 12 and 10).

It’s probably worth having a conversation with your partner to say that you need him to take the children out for an hour every day. Sometimes you will join them and sometimes you won’t. It is not your job to endlessly facilitate his contact, break up fights over the PlayStation and stimulate the children. If this carries on, you’ll end up having a big falling out over it.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 29/01/2021 13:08

There is compromise in every relationship. I'm sure OP would probably rather that she didn't have 2 noisy kids living with her every other weekend but that is a compromise she makes in order to be in a relationship with her DP. He could definitely be doing a little more to make it better for her as well.

I agree, and she says that during the summer when places were open, he did take them out to do things - but there's very little you can do with 10 and 12 year olds at the moment. There's only so many times you can walk around the same parks before you're slowly driven insane

They're too old to be doing things like playing in the park and playing pooh sticks, but they're also a bit young to be treated like teens. It's an awkward age at the best of times.

OP chose a man with children and chose to move in with him - that involves putting up with the children when they're in the house. They're only there twice a week - if she's unwell, she can go to bed. The children are old enough to understand that she's not being rude by doing so - and also old enough to understand that they need to pipe down for a few hours.

LadyStarlight · 29/01/2021 13:58

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

That's not the impression I get *@LadyStarlight*. She's not well as the children sound as though they are incapable of being quiet (I understand children make a noise, but they don't have to scream and shout). In her position I would say I don't feel well, I'm going to bed, can you please keep the noise down and I'll see you later.

I could be wrong, it just seems to me that she does get a decent chunk of child free time and to expect her DP to take them out mid January with nothing open worth doing is an unfair request. I understand she's not feeling great, but she does have the option of going to bed! Kids are noisy, and they are quite thoughtless by default. I think the most are could expect right now is for her DP to get them to dial down the noise level.

I think the bottom line is when you choose someone who has kids then you have to accept that during visitation there will be noise and chaos, and if you're not ok with that then perhaps a rethink is in order.

phoenixrosehere · 29/01/2021 14:51

Thinking about it, why not ask your partner if they could not come at all for this week and you and partner plan something for them for next week?

If it was their father that was sick, would you be expected to entertain them in his absence?

If their mother was sick, would you and their father be looking after them?

The children are old enough to understand being the ages they are. Missing one week wouldn’t be the end of the world.

gannett · 29/01/2021 14:56

I think 10 and 12 are easily old enough to be capable of being quiet if there's an adult who needs to rest.

Also easily old enough to understand that OP taking herself off to read in her room isn't rude or a rejection. And to understand that because she's not feeling well, if she does emerge for a drink or whatever, that doesn't mean she's up for playing with them.

SushiSoozie · 29/01/2021 15:23

OP is concerned about shutting herself in her bedroom as she feels it's a bit hostile and she doesn't want the kids to feel like she doesn't want them around or doesn't like them

And wanting to throw them out of the house is somehow better?

They visit their dad only twice a week, and they are not welcome by the OP. They're going to realise that if they haven't already. OP shouldn't live with man with kids if she doesn't want the kids to visit and feel at home.

TeaFamily · 29/01/2021 15:48

From a child of divorced parents:

TIME WITHOUT THE STEP PARENT IS GOLDEN. However much you enjoy someone’s company...

Your MH requires peace and quiet; he can take them on a long walk, take a flask of soup, stop on the way back for food that he cooks. They tidy up after themselves. Easily out for 4-5 hours. Not negotiable. Just tell him!

LadyStarlight · 29/01/2021 16:46

@TeaFamily why should they have to trudge around in foul weather when OP could just take herself off to bed or have a soak in the bath for a bit? They might not live somewhere that allows for a nice long walk, I know I don't! If they live in the city it's not exactly an interesting excursion for a 10 and 12 year old is it! Oh let's go walk past closed shops in the rain for 5 hours. No thanks!

Anothermother3 · 29/01/2021 17:22

It’s you. You have them 2 days out of 14. It’s hard when you’re feeling rubbish but it’s not having family round it’s having his children round. If you aren’t feeling okay then retreating to the bedroom is probably your best bet.

cherish123 · 29/01/2021 17:27

Could you go out when they are at the flat, even just for an hour or so to get some time to yourself.

cherish123 · 29/01/2021 17:27

?

Bibidy · 29/01/2021 18:13

@SushiSoozie

OP is concerned about shutting herself in her bedroom as she feels it's a bit hostile and she doesn't want the kids to feel like she doesn't want them around or doesn't like them

And wanting to throw them out of the house is somehow better?

They visit their dad only twice a week, and they are not welcome by the OP. They're going to realise that if they haven't already. OP shouldn't live with man with kids if she doesn't want the kids to visit and feel at home.

But they ARE welcomed by her. OP has already said she's very fond of the kids and does loads with them, but that she finds it difficult being cooped up in a small home with them for the entire weekend.

She's not saying she doesn't like them or doesn't want them to come. Not every criticism of stepchildren means you dislike them.

And wanting to throw them out of the house is somehow better?

Again, she doesn't want to 'throw them out of the house' - but YES, it is better, because in their eyes they'd just be going out for a walk (or whatever) with their dad. They don't need to know it's because their SM needs a little break. Whereas if she locks herself away in her room that's much more obvious to them.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 29/01/2021 18:23

Again, she doesn't want to 'throw them out of the house' - but YES, it is better, because in their eyes they'd just be going out for a walk (or whatever) with their dad. They don't need to know it's because their SM needs a little break. Whereas if she locks herself away in her room that's much more obvious to them

At 10 and 12, they're more than capable of understanding that their dad's GF isn't feeling well and needs to rest.

lboogy · 29/01/2021 18:45

At first I thought u were nbu then I thought again. The kids come 2 times a week meaning you have 5 days of peace? In which case UABU. The kids want to spend time with their dad at home. They have 5 days a week of other activities

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/01/2021 18:54

You’re not bothered that he hasn’t had individual Father Time with them - you’re bothered because they are in your way.
You share a home with him - that means a second home for his kids.
It’s hard on Lockdown but they are his kids and they are getting under your feet - nothing wrong with that but don’t pretend it’s all about what they need - it’s all about you.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 29/01/2021 18:58

I think the bottom line is when you choose someone who has kids then you have to accept that during visitation there will be noise and chaos, and if you're not ok with that then perhaps a rethink is in order.

Noise and chaos? I don't understand why people seem to think it's acceptable for the kids you be screaming and shouting! I don't expect children to be silent but screaming and shouting isn't on, Dad should be making that clear. I wouldn't be too happy if I was in one of the other flats either!

RootyT00t · 29/01/2021 19:00

@Toomuchtrouble4me

You’re not bothered that he hasn’t had individual Father Time with them - you’re bothered because they are in your way. You share a home with him - that means a second home for his kids. It’s hard on Lockdown but they are his kids and they are getting under your feet - nothing wrong with that but don’t pretend it’s all about what they need - it’s all about you.

I agree.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 29/01/2021 19:00

Hi there you are entitled to have some space. The kids will be different with the or dad so how about agreeing every second visit is daddy/kids time that way you get the best of both worlds. You need to be kind to yourself first and not put yourself on the cross like most mothers do amd 18 years later their life has gone by while they put themselves last.
Put yourself and your needs first once a week - its not too much to ask. The kids will appreciate the routine and so will you.

Hope you feel better soon! Xx

LadyStarlight · 29/01/2021 19:01

@PinkSparklyPussyCat they're there for 2 days, not full time. So you'd be complaining about kids enjoying themselves for a couple of days per fortnight if you were in one of the other flats? Sheesh.

Ifeelsuchafool · 29/01/2021 19:54

You sound lovely OP. When my ex got together with the lady who eventually became his second wife our youngest DD was so distressed and longed for some alone time with her father (early teens and had been a real "daddy's girl"). Unfortunately NW wouldn't allow it and ex was so besotted with her that he let her have her way. 10 years on and DD now has no real relationship to speak of with her father and positively hates NW. It's so sad.

ERFFER · 29/01/2021 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumda · 29/01/2021 21:24

Maybe he lacks confidence.
Go out with him and them to the local park get them playing and then nip home on your own.

helpIhateclothesshopping · 29/01/2021 21:38

Why not get a bit of a break from them by going and doing the shopping for a bit while they are there? saves doing it at another time. I think if the weather was better it would be easier to do anything, but it seems to have been constant rain/ snow recently.