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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to take his children out sometimes rather than roping me into his contact every week?

264 replies

OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:14

My partner lives with me in my small masionette, due to lockdown he has his children here every week as nowhere is open to take them.

I don't mind this generally as I'm very fond of the children but sometimes I want/need my own space. Today is one of those times as I feel run down.

I also don't think it's good (for them) that every time they see their dad they have to spend that time with me too.

WIBU to suggest he gets creative with his contact time and takes them to parks/on walks sometimes as opposed to just sitting in here watching tv or playing the PlayStation?

OP posts:
Divebar · 28/01/2021 15:46

How long do you expect them to spend outside in this weather, realistically?

I wish people would stop banging on about the weather.... how do you even know what the weather’s like where the OP is? It’s 13 degrees in the South East... that’s not remotely cold. It’s also been sunny this afternoon . You also don’t know they live in an urban area with only a park to visit. We’re in a town but are very close to a very large area of woodland. We’ve been geocaching before which was fun as it gave the walk a purpose. They could plan your own geocache and go and hide that. If they’ve got bikes they could do a long ride... stop off somewhere for junk food. If they’re into skateboarding or scooters / bikes they could do a bit of filming...edit when they get back. You’re not unreasonable to want a couple of hours to yourself... if they were your own children you wouldn’t be wrong to want that.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 15:48

I wish people would stop banging on about the weather.... how do you even know what the weather’s like where the OP is? It’s 13 degrees in the South East... that’s not remotely cold.

Today it’s about 12 where I am. Throughout January it’s been extremely cold and muddy. I want peace and quiet too but I wouldn’t send my kids outside for hours if they were uncomfortable. Not to mention that we are in lockdown and they are meant to be staying at home anyway.

SushiSoozie · 28/01/2021 15:51

OP has explained clearly the issue isn’t them being there but the fact she isn’t feeling well.If the dcs were living with them 24/7, it would be normal for dad to take them out for a bit and give the OP a break. Because that’s what you do when one person in the house is ill

Yes but they only come twice a week. She wants them to go away on those visits when she has 5+ days every week without them!

Seeline · 28/01/2021 15:51

As with so many of these threads - being a parent to a eg 4 yo is very different to 10/12yo. If you haven't reached that stage yet be warned, you can't just pick them up and make them leave the house or strap them into a push chair. If they don't want to go out, you can't do much about it.

Getting them to think of others, and play a bit quieter - definitely should be done.

So yes, they should be more aware if you are feeling ill (I assume oyu have told them?), but forcing them out of the house, no.

Babyboomtastic · 28/01/2021 15:51

They're high energy and active kids, they would benefit from being outdoors more than I would today.

There are a few other mentions of 'today' so I'm assuming that the children are over today, which (1) means either the OP doesn't work, or doesn't work regular M-F days, though if she was out at work for most of the time the kids weren't here, then logically she would have said rather than accepting that she has 5 days of 'peace'. (2) the children's visits clearly aren't weekends (3) why is no one home schooling these kids?

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 28/01/2021 15:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on request of the poster.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/01/2021 15:59

OK, I get that doing something outdoors isn't a lot of fun at the mo. But what does DP actually do with them while they're on the Playstation? Does he interact with them, pay them attention, or just play on his own phone and ignore them?

PeachesAndCreamy · 28/01/2021 16:02

@OreoIce

I've told him he's going to need to be on the ball today with regards to the shouting/screaming when on the PlayStation because I need some down time, he said he will "try"

In fairness to him he does tell them when they're getting too loud or arguing but kids will be kids and they don't always listen (or if they do, they quickly forget)

Try isn't good enough.

If they don't listen when told not to shout/fall out then they come off the PlayStation completely. We have had plenty of times where DH has simply walked up and turned off the console because the kids have been asked multiple times to be quieter, play nicely together. If they ignore or carry on then it gets turned off and they have to do something else. It's called parenting... Your partner needs to do it.

Kids will be kids yes, they don't always listen no. But it's up to your partner to then deal with that when it occurs not just 'try' and leave them to it when they don't do as their told.

phoenixrosehere · 28/01/2021 16:06

Reading your posts, I don’t think yabu. You are having physical health issues that is then effecting your mental health.

When my husband and I are poorly, we both know what the other needs and unsure we ask. My husband knows I’m a light sleeper so he would take our boys out in the car for an hour so I can rest. He is a heavy sleeper so can easily go to our bedroom and sleep and I make sure our boys (6 & 3) don’t sneak up and try to wake him.

Tell him exactly what you need, why, and how it helps.

If his children are being loud, he should be telling them to keep it down and if continuing, they can’t continue to play the game. There shouldn’t be any “try”, it should be doing. They are more than old enough to know better. Does he not talk to them about their actions or does he just play the “fun dad”?

2pinkginsplease · 28/01/2021 16:06

@thepricklysheep

At the ages of 17 and 18 I'm not going to force them to go out. Its rainy and miserable here . I dont particularly want to go out myself but do on occasions.

In normal times they are out with their friends all the time. Staying home wont do them any harm at all.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 28/01/2021 16:08

I wish people would stop banging on about the weather.... how do you even know what the weather’s like where the OP is? It’s 13 degrees in the South East... that’s not remotely cold. It’s also been sunny this afternoon

It's been 4 degrees, wet and windy here for at least ten days straight. The mud is almost knee-deep in places - it's cold and it's not enjoyable being out there as an adult - I wouldn't fancy having to drag teenagers outside in it, that's for sure.

I get what you're saying that some parts of the country are having decent weather, but many haven't had a let-up from the rain and snow in weeks now.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 28/01/2021 16:13

We are in a country where parents must drive if there's a drop of rain on their 3 minutes walk to school

Some people REALLY don't cope at all with rain/cold/wet/ mild/sunny/hot weather Grin

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 16:19

If the dcs were living with them 24/7, it would be normal for dad to take them out for a bit and give the OP a break

Yes, if. But they don't live there and OP has at least 5 days a week 'break' from them.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 28/01/2021 16:36

It’s not a case of either of you being unreasonable, so much as your reasonable aims are not compatible.

It is not unreasonable to want peace and quiet when you are unwell. But you are in a relationship with a parent. And have a small house. That will be difficult to achieve.

Can I say please that at 10 and 12 it is very likely that any outdoor activities presently on offer (if the weather is unattractive) will not be remotely appealing. Your DP’s children are not unreasonable in wanting to be warm and dry and inside. They should be quieter though.

Thus is your house. You can ask your DP to leave. But all the time it’s his home he should not be made to take his children out unless he thinks it’s actually in their best interests to do so.

PixieLaLa · 28/01/2021 17:23

@MotherHaryy
I can't believe what I'm reading right now...
This seems to be a case of you stomping your feet and saying I want my time .....
Sorry but you chose to be with a man who has children. He shouldn't have to take his kids out because your feeling 'low’

Well aren’t you a delight.
OP is clearly struggling with her physical and mental health and needs to be supported. It would make no difference if they were her own DC and needed some time on her own her DP should still take the kids out for a walk or a drive anything that doesn’t involve sitting in front of a tv shouting and arguing.

OP of course YANBU and I hope you tell your DP you are struggling so he can support you. Flowers

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 28/01/2021 17:31

Yes, if. But they don't live there and OP has at least 5 days a week 'break' from them.

so has their dad.
It's not too much to ask to take care of his kids 2 days a week and not leave them in front of the screen the few days he is supposed to spend time with them?

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 17:35

It's not too much to ask to take care of his kids 2 days a week and not leave them in front of the screen the few days he is supposed to spend time with them?

Where does it say he isn’t there?

Bibidy · 28/01/2021 17:53

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Plus, when people are working - which I assume OP is - even at the moment when there isn't much else to do, the weekends are so valuable and you look forward to them as days you can relax without having to sit on your laptop all day (or whatever other job you do).

But she also chose to get into a relationship with someone who has children, and then she decided to invite that person to live with her. Surely part of that is having the children in your home on their contact time?

We're in the middle of a pandemic and we're supposed to be staying at home. Her DP is doing just that.

Agreed that being in this relationship involves having kids in the home at times but OP has clearly said over and over that she likes the kids, enjoys their company and does lots with them, but, as with everyone, lockdown has made it hard and she is also unwell.

I don't think it's unreasonable in these circumstances for OP's DP to give a little and take them out for a walk even once over the weekend when he knows his partner needs a break.

Obviously out of lockdown things would not be so magnified as OP could get out and about with friends or family herself, or DP might be doing other things with the kids.

My SCs are coming this weekend and if I asked my OH to take them out for an hour or so as I could do with some peace and quiet and definitely if I was unwell, he would totally do it. Not just to do me a favour but also because he appreciates how tough it is to have someone else's kids staying with you and as fond as I am of them it is still intense when they're not your own. Particularly if you're short on space so all on top of each other the whole time.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 28/01/2021 17:54

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer

Yes, if. But they don't live there and OP has at least 5 days a week 'break' from them.

so has their dad.
It's not too much to ask to take care of his kids 2 days a week and not leave them in front of the screen the few days he is supposed to spend time with them?

What do you want him to do with two bored teenagers in the middle of a pandemic?
sunflowersandbuttercups · 28/01/2021 17:58

I don't think it's unreasonable in these circumstances for OP's DP to give a little and take them out for a walk even once over the weekend when he knows his partner needs a break.

If she's that unwell, she should go to bed and rest - not expect the rest of the household to go out to accommodate her.

diddl · 28/01/2021 18:08

"If she's that unwell, she should go to bed and rest - not expect the rest of the household to go out to accommodate her."

Maybe they make too much noise for her to rest?

I don't think it's much for everone to pop out for an hr or so.

TheBadElfParade · 28/01/2021 18:25

Yes of course you are entitled to do your own thing too OP.

Me and mine are very much together, we do everything together and our family is blended. But thats just how we work, it doesn’t mean it’s right for other families. We do offer the children if they want to come along (say child 1 Has a sporting activity that the others don’t do) and they are 99% certain to be excited to go, even if it’s to go and watch. We know that if the children requested time with their parent on their own (they sometimes have in the past, but rare) it will be granted to them of course, it’s healthy. Same with either me or my DP if we requested it.

But at the same time if DP is to unwilling to spend time with them and without yourself then I’m afraid it’s up to you to speak out and tell him you will not be joining them or you need some time on your own. I’m sure he will come to accept it.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 28/01/2021 18:30

@diddl

"If she's that unwell, she should go to bed and rest - not expect the rest of the household to go out to accommodate her."

Maybe they make too much noise for her to rest?

I don't think it's much for everone to pop out for an hr or so.

If my partner was ill and it was pissing it down with rain, I wouldn't appreciate being kicked out of the house for them to "rest".

I agree he should keep them quiet (headsets perhaps) while playing on the consoles, though. But OP has said she doesn't want to go to bed and rest - she wants to have the house to herself so she can chill in peace. I don't think that's appropriate when she a) can go to her room if she wants to be alone and b) she chose to move in a man with children, knowing they'd have contact at the house and c) only has them there twice a week to start with.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 18:32

I don't think it's unreasonable in these circumstances for OP's DP to give a little and take them out for a walk even once over the weekend when he knows his partner needs a break.

Nor do I, weather permitting. But the OP seems (to me) to be suggesting she wants them to spend quite a lot of the contact time out of the house.

gannett · 28/01/2021 18:46

It’s 13 degrees in the South East... that’s not remotely cold. It’s also been sunny this afternoon

It's also the FIRST day this year the temperature has climbed into double digits.

Looking at the forecast for this weekend it's going to tip it down non-stop with a high of 5 degrees. I for one have no intention of leaving the house and anyone who thinks doing so would be good for me in any way is bonkers.