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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to take his children out sometimes rather than roping me into his contact every week?

264 replies

OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:14

My partner lives with me in my small masionette, due to lockdown he has his children here every week as nowhere is open to take them.

I don't mind this generally as I'm very fond of the children but sometimes I want/need my own space. Today is one of those times as I feel run down.

I also don't think it's good (for them) that every time they see their dad they have to spend that time with me too.

WIBU to suggest he gets creative with his contact time and takes them to parks/on walks sometimes as opposed to just sitting in here watching tv or playing the PlayStation?

OP posts:
AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 14:19

I wouldn't have my own 13 and 14 home alone doing nothing but screen all day. They'll end up being unfit and depressed!

I wouldn’t want that either, but we’re in the middle of a lockdown and a global health crisis in the middle of winter. There’s only so much you can do to ‘make’ a 12 year old go out on their bike.

The issue here seems to be that the OP has moved in with a bloke with a couple of kids without really thinking through what December/January might be like. This is normal. Most kids aren’t after signing up to the Famous Five.

InTheDrunkTank · 28/01/2021 14:23

I don't really see why you can't spend time in your bedroom, especially if your health has been an issue. As a bio parent I'll spend time alone sometimes, if I have a headache or I'm tired I'll go have a nap or sometimes I just want some peace and quiet to read a book or film that no one else is interested in. DH does the same.

The kids should also be out of the house for an hour or so a day when the weather allows.

Really it depends what you mean by 'time to yourself'. An hour or so of the house t yourself while DH takes them to the park. Yes of course ! A few hours in your room just relaxing? Yes!

Entire days to yourself? At the moment probably not.

WeAllHaveWings · 28/01/2021 14:29

The kids are there just twice a week. How long for? Do they stay overnight?

YABU to expect them to leave what is now essentially, as it is their dads home, their second home when the weather is crap for hours on end and there is nowhere indoors to go.

YANBU to expect consideration from your family (step or not) when you are unwell.

Go to your bedroom with a good book and noise cancelling earphones, tell dp to keep the noise down (even if that means the PS is off) and to deal with whatever comes up without disturbing you as you are resting.

If you can't cope with above you need to reconsider a relationship with someone comes with kids.

CyberGhost · 28/01/2021 14:30

Going against the grain here. If I were him I would wonder why my DP didn't want to spend time with all of us as a family to be honest.

A man saying he needed space from his DW's children would get slaughtered for being selfish and not "wanting to be part of the family". Same thing IMO.

Totally different if it was just one day as you are sick but sounds like you want him gone with them as often as possible. Screentime is a different issue.

vekokit877 · 28/01/2021 14:30

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sunflowersandbuttercups · 28/01/2021 14:35

There are loads of threads on here from parents who are sick of dragging whinging children out on walks in the rain, mud and wind - and they get absolutely nothing but sympathy.

Don't get me wrong OP, I do sympathise with your situation too - but it's your DP's home as well as yours. Lots of people are stuck indoors because of lockdown and bad weather - at least you get some respite when they go back to their mums'.

If you don't feel very well, just go to bed for a few hours and let your DP deal with the children.

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 14:36

@AliceinBunniland

Ignore the hostility from the first wife club OP

Of course YANBU and your partner will agree if he is considerate

You know, Alice, it is possible to feel that this OP is BU without being either hostile or a 'first wife' Hmm.
MusicalTrifleMonkey · 28/01/2021 14:37

@OreoIce

We have board games, lots of films, a Netflix subscription, cards, craft bits etc. They don't enjoy doing any of that. We have outdoor space they can use to kick a ball around.

They're at that age where they want to be online playing with their friends all of the time. Unfortunately they get free reign to spend all of their free time on the PS when they're at their mothers and old habits die hard. It's all they want to do.

This sounds so judgmental. You cannot comment on how others parent. Sometimes as parents we do things just to get by. You aren’t in their home so you have no idea what goes on over there. They may tell you all they do is okay on the PlayStation but you have no idea if this is true or not.

Don’t judge their mother or the kids, this is about your DHs behaviour. You need to discuss it with him and make sure he understands what he needs to do to support you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/01/2021 14:43

I'm on the fence. In normal times I'd say YANBU but in pandemic times it's more difficult. My own DS is fed up of going out for walks so I can't always be bothered to force him.

stablefeet · 28/01/2021 14:49

@OreoIce

Another issue is they have a habit of falling out over the PlayStation, so that's a source of stress in itself.

Roll on lockdown ending when we can get back to relative normality and actually do things with them, or rather DP on his own some of the time.

I don't think you should be relying on the end of lockdown. I think that your partner needs to start being just a little bit considerate of your needs. He's being a lazy, inconsiderate git at the moment.
Crankley · 28/01/2021 14:53

YANBU OP. There are posters on here for whom stepmothers can do no right - they view them negatively regardless of the situation. Ignore them.

You are unwell, it's your flat and you are entitled to some peace. The temperature is not too bad today and even if it was colder, as long as they are wrapped up warm, there's no reason for not going out and giving you some peace and quiet.

Hope you feel better soon.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/01/2021 14:54

Sorry OP if you've said already, I can't see it but, have you actually told him how you feel about this? If not, tell him that he should take them out rather than have them in all the time.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 14:55

You are unwell, it's your flat and you are entitled to some peace.

I don’t view stepmothers negatively. I have relatives who are stepmothers. Lovely people. But I do view it negatively when people invite others to live with them and then treat them like squatters.

SushiSoozie · 28/01/2021 14:58

I'm very fond of them and enjoy their company 99% of the time but I'm only human and sometimes I need a bit of peace and quiet and time to myself

But they only come twice a week....so you have lots and lots of time for peace and quiet and to be by yourself.

ISn't he just doing what we are all supposed to be doing: staying at home?

MotherHaryy · 28/01/2021 15:00

I can't believe what I'm reading right now...

This seems to be a case of you stomping your feet and saying I want my time .....

Sorry but you chose to be with a man who has children. He shouldn't have to take his kids out because your feeling 'low' - It might sound harsh but do you actually want to be with this man? If so, buck up and accept that they are part of your family too.

You can't just take time out when you feel like it once you become a parent - You need to think of this in the long run and consider this before thinking of having your own children 🙁

Kokosrieksts · 28/01/2021 15:16

10-12 year olds won’t exactly be happy having their puddle jumping suits on. It’s pretty cold and boring outside and if they only come twice a week I think it does sound like you don’t really want to get involved much. Sorry, but you live with a partner that does have kids so they actually become part of your family and you cannot ignore it. Go to your bedroom for quiet time.

Bibidy · 28/01/2021 15:17

@MotherHaryy

I can't believe what I'm reading right now...

This seems to be a case of you stomping your feet and saying I want my time .....

Sorry but you chose to be with a man who has children. He shouldn't have to take his kids out because your feeling 'low' - It might sound harsh but do you actually want to be with this man? If so, buck up and accept that they are part of your family too.

You can't just take time out when you feel like it once you become a parent - You need to think of this in the long run and consider this before thinking of having your own children 🙁

This comment is unfair.

It's totally different having your own kids around compared to having kids that aren't yours around. Just because OP doesn't enjoy having her DP's kids round all weekend doesn't mean she wouldn't be a good mother.

Plus, when people are working - which I assume OP is - even at the moment when there isn't much else to do, the weekends are so valuable and you look forward to them as days you can relax without having to sit on your laptop all day (or whatever other job you do).

I explained my situation upthread - my SCs are coming to our small flat EOW at the moment due to lockdown - and we are both working through the week. It does feel like we don't get a break at all on those weeks. The kids are up earlier than we start work, and it's a lot of playing and activities from the moment they arrive until they moment they leave. It's harder work when they're here than actually being at work!

It's not that I don't like them or enjoy time spent, but it's intense when there's no chill-out time and nowhere you can go for a bit of quiet in your own home.

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 15:19

It’s not that I don't like them or enjoy time spent, but it's intense when there's no chill-out time and nowhere you can go for a bit of quiet in your own home

But that’s the reality of having kids. It’s like that 100% in my house because I have my kids all the time. And yes, I know before anyone says that the OP didn’t have kids, but she did choose of her own free will to share her home with them.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 28/01/2021 15:21

Plus, when people are working - which I assume OP is - even at the moment when there isn't much else to do, the weekends are so valuable and you look forward to them as days you can relax without having to sit on your laptop all day (or whatever other job you do).

But she also chose to get into a relationship with someone who has children, and then she decided to invite that person to live with her. Surely part of that is having the children in your home on their contact time?

We're in the middle of a pandemic and we're supposed to be staying at home. Her DP is doing just that.

Butterymuffin · 28/01/2021 15:26

It's probably been mentioned OP but a good pair of noise cancelling headphones is a game changer. They don't have to be expensive. Look at the reviews.

Also, whatever the things are you have to do when the kids are there, or the clearing up, just don't. Leave it for your partner and remind him that he said he'd take care of it.

ParadiseIsland · 28/01/2021 15:34

Well if dh was unwell and needed some peace and quiet, I would
1- tell the children to be quieter because dH is unwell
2- take them out to the park to play football for a while. And then a bit if a walk around etc...

Because I would want DH to have some rest.

Now DH is also their dad. But does it matter? It’s about one person been unwell and the others in the house being considerate and taking that into account.
It doesn’t change anything about the day to day stuff, wanting to spend time with them etc...

I agree with a PP though. Does your DP know how bad you are feeling?
Also are you soldering on regardless, still spending time with them when really all you want to do is be in bed? Because if you do I’d suggest to stop right now. Two reasons for that
1- if you need or quiet, then you need it. No point being a martyr and staying there with them if you are unwell (parent or step parent)
2- by being there you are basically telling your dP that it’s not that bad. If you are unwell, then do whatever you would suggest a friend. Don’t soldier on.

HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst · 28/01/2021 15:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn on request of the poster.

ParadiseIsland · 28/01/2021 15:37

FWIW, my dcs are slightly older.
They are ‘made’ to go out once a day.
It was hard with the 1st lockdown, easier with the second, now it’s more like second mature and they have realised that they feel better for it.
Dc2 still needs some encouragement but I dint think k it’s ok to say ‘can’t make them go out if they dint want’ to because they are over 12yo

TeaFamily · 28/01/2021 15:37

What @ParadiseIsland said...

ParadiseIsland · 28/01/2021 15:42

@HopeForTheBestExpectTheWorst, I’d say RTFT.

OP has explained clearly the issue isn’t them being there but the fact she isn’t feeling well.
If the dcs were living with them 24/7, it would be normal for dad to take them out for a bit and give the OP a break. Because that’s what you do when one person in the house is ill.
These children are not her dcs. And even they were, She doesn’t have to be a martyr and out her own well-being aside all the time. These children have a father. Quite normal for him to step up and take the dcs away for a hour or two so the OP can have a break.
That’s what I would expect to see if the dcs had been both the OP and her DP’s.....
I’d expect it even more with the dcs not being the OP’s children and therefore not being the OP’s responsibility.