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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to take his children out sometimes rather than roping me into his contact every week?

264 replies

OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:14

My partner lives with me in my small masionette, due to lockdown he has his children here every week as nowhere is open to take them.

I don't mind this generally as I'm very fond of the children but sometimes I want/need my own space. Today is one of those times as I feel run down.

I also don't think it's good (for them) that every time they see their dad they have to spend that time with me too.

WIBU to suggest he gets creative with his contact time and takes them to parks/on walks sometimes as opposed to just sitting in here watching tv or playing the PlayStation?

OP posts:
Blueberryflavour · 28/01/2021 13:15

Have the children asked to go out and has he said no if so he’s lazy and needs to go out with them. But no 12 year old that I know wants to go to a play park and play on the apparatus maybe football and a wee walk but it’s cold and wet and muddy in parks just now. I don’t get what benefit them being dragged out of the house for an hr tops would give you? If you are feeling a bit down at the moment you are going to have to go into your bedroom or wherever you can get a bit of piece at some point anyway. It’s not like you are going to have a lie down for an hr and then immediately feel raring to go again.

borntohula · 28/01/2021 13:17

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Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 28/01/2021 13:19

Little ones you distract

Older ones you communicate and ask for their input and suggestion!

It's just as bad for a teen to be locked up all day than it is for a toddler.

Imagine reading in the paper about parents punishing a child by keeping them locked in their bedroom for a month, a week even, with only their computers, phone and tablets for company. They would be called abusive or worst!

ShinyGreenElephant · 28/01/2021 13:20

I know what you mean, when DSS is round I love him to bits but hes very very loud and high energy and its always nice for DH to take him out for a while. Pretty much every time he's here they will go to the park or the beach or wherever, the bonus is he usually takes our toddler too so I get a couple of hours breaks. Makes me far more inclined to spend time together when they come back as well. If its a proper day out we will all go together but I think it's important I'm not always there and he has the chance to spend time with his son on their own. Saying that I would just lie in my room and read a book if I felt unwell and tell DH noone was to disturb me except to bring me cups of tea at regular intervals.

Mamabear12 · 28/01/2021 13:21

Sounds like lazy parenting. I would think about this if you want children yourself. I would NOT want my dh to plonk kids in front of PlayStation or tv all day!! Especially if he is only spending a short time with them. He should be taking them for walks, to the park, play sports, board games. At least that is what my dh does and what I see other dads doing.

2021optimist · 28/01/2021 13:22

@Chiccie

They should be doing school during the day anyway unless it’s a weekend. If that’s not happening at yours then that’s really bad and not acceptable. They shouldn’t be leaving the house until at least 3pm in a school day anyway unless it’s for a school PE session and they should be doing proper exercise like running/HiiT, football etc. Regarding the rest then you are being unreasonable expecting him to take them out for anymore than a quick walk round the block. I think you live in la la land to be honest. I’ve got kids that age as do many of my friends. None of them want to go out! It’s a ball ache to get them out for a 10 minute vitamin D break. This is what it is and I’ve got many friends with teenage kids. This shit gets much much harder. Teens don’t want to go out to parks etc with the parent. You’re going to have them wanting to be sat in front of the TV and devices in weather like this. Where do you expect him to take them on a day like today? I wrangled my 12 year old to a play park yesterday and within 5 mins she was bored and walking herself back home. They ain’t primary anymore. They don’t do swings and slides at that age. They’ve outgrown that stuff even if the weather was ok for it. You’re now a asking about organised activities like cycling with friends, go ape, kayaking...if I asked 30 other parents in my 12 year olds class right now, none of them are outside and few of them go outside happily or for prolonged periods of time on days like today
They may prefer not to be taken out but if OP is feeling unwell, they may just have to lump it.
MrsKoala · 28/01/2021 13:22

Even with my own DC, my husband, if I was feeling unwell, wouldn't bat an eyelid at taking them out for a bit so I could rest or at least not let them sit screaming and shouting and falling out over the games console all day. And I'd do the same if he was feeling unwell too!

I don't understand the notion on here sometimes that children can never be expected to put anyone elses feelings first. Whilst I understand they are inherently selfish due to still maturing and learning, I don't think it's acceptable as parents to not at least teach them these things. There's nothing wrong with saying 'right, X is not feeling great today so we're not going to sit shouting at the TV all day, she needs some rest so we need to be a bit quieter/go out for a little bit so she can rest' etc...

Bit of a straw man argument there. I don’t think anyone has suggested they scream and be loud and inconsiderate. In non covid times if I’m not feeling well H has taken ours out to soft play or swimming. But I wouldn’t expect him to walk around unhappily in the rain/mud now. What I would expect however, is to be able to say just quiet considerate games while I lay down in the bedroom without being disturbed. That’s not the same as expecting them to leave the house. If they can’t do that though, I think it’s a separate issue.

Shrivelled · 28/01/2021 13:24

Don’t you get your own space and peace and quiet when the children are at their mums?

borntohula · 28/01/2021 13:28

I actually feel for you OP but your OH is getting an unjustified bashing imo. Everyone is fucking fed up with trying to keep DC entertained and when it's a mum posting who has all but given up, she is generally reassured because most people here seem to have an aversion to leaving the house.

I love going out with my dc when there is somewhere to actually GO. Am I bollocks standing in the park for hours when it's like this outside.

Annie2930 · 28/01/2021 13:31

I can understand that you want them to go out for their own good (and yours). Being stuck in is poop but there really isn’t much to do right now.

from another point of view. I have DS with my ex, his new partner doesn’t ever want DS over there (not because of covid as was going on long before that) and my ex hasn’t always got to think of something to do with him which is hard atm. DS always asked why he cannot go to daddy’s house. It’s only a few hours a week he sees him too.

It doesn’t sound like that with you though. It’s not wrong to want some space so YANBU. Just don’t push them out too much 🌸

PeachesAndCreamy · 28/01/2021 13:31

I don’t think anyone has suggested they scream and be loud and inconsiderate

OP has said herself this is what they do when they play playstation all day. So yes the least he can be expected to do is make sure this doesn't happen and they do something else for a while if they can't play nicely and quietly for a bit. If that means taking them out for a walk or whatever then he should.

OP sorry if I've missed it but are we talking about the family TV in the living room here or do they have a bedroom where they play PS? If it's the living room TV then it's absolutely not acceptable to spend all weekend using it playing games either.

Shrivelled · 28/01/2021 13:32

Lockdown or no lockdown, if I’m feeling ill I’d go to bed with some earplugs in. I wouldn’t demand my DH took the kids out come rain or shine just to give me some peace.

Givemeabreak88 · 28/01/2021 13:33

Do they actually want to go to the park though? My kids are 9, 8, 6 and 3 and none of the older 3 want to go to the park anymore, I have to beg them to come and for the last few weeks they’ve been refusing because it’s lock down and all they’ve been to is the same park for months so now they are bored stiff of it and don’t actually want to go! Tbh at 10 and 12 I doubt they even want to hang out at a park with their dad anymore Confused think yourself lucky that you have 5 days free, I have 4 kids that don’t see there dad so I haven’t had any time away this entire time, I think YABU.

brunetteonthebus · 28/01/2021 13:34

I think most people would feel a bit deflated about having to have family round when they're feeling unwell wouldn't they?

This stood out for me. Yes, people would feel that way about having 'family round' but these are his children. It's not having family round, you're not hosting a get together it's the children having their time with their Dad and you agreed to that when he moved in.

I don't particularly love having my own children around when I'm ill (they're small, needs lots of attention). It's crap. But when they're your kids you can't just say 'nah not today thanks I'm feeling rubbish'. You just have to get on with it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're feeling a bit poorly and are going for a lie down or going for a nice long soak in the bath. But it's a bit much to want to kick them out in rubbish weather with nothing open for more than an hour or so. They're a bit old for going to play with Daddy in a park aren't they?

Seeline · 28/01/2021 13:34

Can they bring bikes/scooters etc with them and perhaps they could all go out for a bike ride?

But not everyone lives in an area where there are great parks, woods, beaches to go to. Endlessly plodding round the local streets isn't much fun for anyone.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 28/01/2021 13:35

@Shrivelled

Lockdown or no lockdown, if I’m feeling ill I’d go to bed with some earplugs in. I wouldn’t demand my DH took the kids out come rain or shine just to give me some peace.
I would, for MY sake, and for the kids sake too. It's horrible to be stuck indoors permanently.

No one is designed to stay indoors doing no physical activity whatsoever that way.

MrsKoala · 28/01/2021 13:36

OP has said herself this is what they do when they play playstation all day.

Yes, and I haven’t seen any posts saying they should crack on with that. If the question was ‘shall I ask them to play quietly?’ then the answers would ( I hope) be yes, of course it’s only right they are considerate. But it wasn’t. It is I wish they would go out. I would expect it’s a given people think they should be considerate and doesn’t really need an extra mention.

Notcontent · 28/01/2021 13:37

I think the OP is being rather unreasonable. At the moment her house is also her DP’s house. If the kids want to go out then great - but they might not want to go out for a walk or play football, particularly when the weather is so miserable.

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 28/01/2021 13:38

@AStudyinPink

Yes but they don't come here to see me. He hasn't had any individual father/child time with them since he moved in here.

Then you go out? I think he’s using his home to see his children and if you don’t want to be around them, it’s easy to resolve.

Or do you think it’s your house, not his?

Not meaning to be rude, it just sounds like that.

This. Go into a different room, he is just hanging out with this kids at home. Which he is entitled to do!
Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 28/01/2021 13:39

You don't ask a child if they want to go outside.

You take them for a walk, a run, a jog, play tennis (public outdoor courts in the park are not closed here), take their bike, scooter, skateboard, the dog...geocaching, anything. You know your own kids.

What you shouldn't do is leave them all day with a tablet because you can't be arsed. It's neither good for you or for them.

yvanka · 28/01/2021 13:40

It's a difficult one, as it's not like he can take them to a restaurant or anything and it really is cold and miserable outside, so I understand why he's not keen on the park. I would gently suggest that YABU, but I am sorry that you're in this situation.

MessAllOver · 28/01/2021 13:43

Besides everything else, it's a little unfair of the DP to leave all the dragging the kids outside to their mother. He should do his bit in making sure they get fresh air and exercise.

PicaK · 28/01/2021 13:44

When you say they come twice a week do you mean 2 nights. So every week you have 5 nights of the place being kid free.
And you want them out?
I mean if you never got any time without them that's one thing - but you do have that time. Lots of it.
I think you could ask him to pop to the supermarket with them to get a dvd and/or movie night snacks. Get an hour in the day.
But otherwise its their home. They're entitled to be there. Noone feels like going out atm.

Devlesko · 28/01/2021 13:46

It's not his home, you said he's living with you.
It's yourhome and he should appreciate this. Does he pay the rent/ mortgage and other bills or did he just move in temporarily so you can be together due to covid restrictions?

He should be taking his kids out for fresh air, it's not good for them cooped up, and no you shouldn't have to leave your home for your partners children.

DoctorHildegardLanstrom · 28/01/2021 13:47

I think part of your problem is that he moved in just before lockdown last year (I think I got that right) we then had summer, where most things were open.

Its a shit time at the moment, if I have a down day when DSS is here, I go off to my bedroom with the dog and both cats and chill out, He doesn't want to go out either, when he is here.