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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DP to take his children out sometimes rather than roping me into his contact every week?

264 replies

OreoIce · 28/01/2021 11:14

My partner lives with me in my small masionette, due to lockdown he has his children here every week as nowhere is open to take them.

I don't mind this generally as I'm very fond of the children but sometimes I want/need my own space. Today is one of those times as I feel run down.

I also don't think it's good (for them) that every time they see their dad they have to spend that time with me too.

WIBU to suggest he gets creative with his contact time and takes them to parks/on walks sometimes as opposed to just sitting in here watching tv or playing the PlayStation?

OP posts:
Tiktaktoe · 28/01/2021 12:12

Has your partner refused to take them out? I don't think you are unreasonable at all. When I had morning sickness, my husband took the smaller kids out for walks or a drive to give me some peace at home.
That said, it doesn't seem like you have even asked him yet?

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:13

Thank you for getting it Bibidy, your situation sounds tough too. We will be moving at some point so with more space things will become earlier but we're not able to do anything just yet.

When I've asked him to take them for a walk or to the park for an hour before he has obliged but done so begrudgingly as he doesn't like going out unnecessarily when the weather isn't good.

I don't expect him to take them out in the rain btw, but the odd walk when they're wrapped up would be nice.

Who does all the kid related chores while they are here? Who cooks for them? Launder their clothes? Makes sure they are washed and dressed? Does homework?

We split the cooking between us. He helps them with homework/home learning and making sure they're washed and dressed.

Tidying up the mess they leave behind usually falls to me (although DP would tell you that he tells me not to worry about it and he'll do it when he gets home from taking them back)

Entertaining them is 50/50 as they seem to enjoy my company and always want me to join in. I do oblige as I'm touched that they've formed a bond with me.

OP posts:
HoboSexualOnslow · 28/01/2021 12:14

Are they not doing school work?

gannett · 28/01/2021 12:14

He took them out alot in the summer, parks, woods, walks etc but always invited me and I happily went along as the kids expressed wanting me to.

It has been since summer that all contact is had here and they don't go out anywhere.

What could the difference possibly be between outdoors in summer and outdoors in winter? Any ideas at all?

OP it's been absolutely foul outside for the entirety of this lockdown and not everyone feels it necessary to force themselves out of the house for a miserable, resentful little walk, no matter how much you think it's good for them. He's clearly not being a lazy parent if he did it in the summer. What do the kids themselves want? Maybe they want to read or play games or - gasp - watch screens instead of getting drenched and shivering. I know it's MN gospel that children need fresh air every day but I certainly know that as a child and teenager myself I would have much preferred curling up with a book indoors.

Yes, that means everyone's on top of each other when they don't want to be, welcome to families up and down the land, it's shit. But just shut yourself in your bedroom and read your book if you want - I hope no one would force you out in that case!

You do mention health stuff and that must be hard, I don't think it'd be unreasonable to cite that and ask your DP to give you some time to yourself. But if it's pissing with rain or three degrees outside you would be unreasonable to insist they force themselves out of doors when you're not willing to go out yourself.

Seeline · 28/01/2021 12:14

*He took them out alot in the summer, parks, woods, walks etc but always invited me and I happily went along as the kids expressed wanting me to.

It has been since summer that all contact is had here and they don't go out anywhere.

I'm pretty sure the kids are bored shitless too.*

I think most kids are bored shitless at the moment!
The weather has been bad. We have been in almost permanent lockdown of some form or another since September. You aren't really meant to be going further afield for exercise and there are only so many times kids are going to be excited about yet another walk around the same streets. You can't even liven things up with a promise of a treat at the café at the end of it.

In other winters there's cinema, swimming, skating, bowling, museums etc. Would a 45 minute walk really make that much difference to you? They're not going to be out for much longer than that.

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:15

To expand on my previous post as I don't think I was clear:

When I've asked him to take them out before and he did do begrudgingly, that manifested as him picking them up and taking them to the park on the way to our place so that didn't make much of a difference to the time spent here in total.

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 28/01/2021 12:15

Nope, YANBU at all. I kick my DH and DS out of the house every Saturday afternoon for a few hours just to give myself some peace.

Oh the bliss of having the house to myself with no one else in it.

Children are very annoying to people who aren't their parents in more than small doses. That's why usually the only people who have to endure them for long periods of time are parents or family members (biology/parental love helps) or carers/ teachers (paid to do it and have a "vocation") Wink.

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:17

I can appreciate that lockdown is hard for everybody at the minute, I don't think I'm particularly worse off than anybody else. I'm just feeling run down and crap at the minute and today is one of the days I would benefit from being able to put my feet up and just be

OP posts:
Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:18

Children are very annoying to people who aren't their parents in more than small doses. That's why usually the only people who have to endure them for long periods of time are parents or family members (biology/parental love helps) or carers/ teachers (paid to do it and have a "vocation")

That did make me chuckle Grin

OP posts:
CorianderBlues · 28/01/2021 12:19

@RedMarauder

This thread is funny.

Posters are not paying attention to the fact while it is currently the bf's home it is the OP's house.

Anyway OP yes he is being lazy if they are active kids. He needs to buy them waterproofs and appropriate footwear - you can buy them from outdoor shops online - then take them out every single day he had them for a minimum of 45 minutes.

Also unless you both can afford a bigger place for when they hit their teenage years, he needs to move out again. That way he has his own space to have them in and parents them on his own, but you can escape.

This post is funny.

The answer is to make him move out. Not just LTB, but make him leave.

Babyboomtastic · 28/01/2021 12:19

YABU. You have 5 days a week without the children at your place, surely this is enough peace and quiet...

ApolloandDaphne · 28/01/2021 12:21

Are they with you during the day? If they are home schooling I expect it is dark and cold when they are done. I wouldn't want to go out then either. If he sees them at the weekend then I would expect him to go to a park to play football or a bike ride or whatever.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 28/01/2021 12:21

Yanbu at all, even if you have your own kids with someone, it’s good for them to spend 1 to 1 time with individual parents let alone your partners kids.

BornIn78 · 28/01/2021 12:22

YANBU.

Even if they were your children, not your step-children, it's perfectly reasonable for you to want some time in the house alone, and he should want some time with his children without you being there.

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:22

@Babyboomtastic

YABU. You have 5 days a week without the children at your place, surely this is enough peace and quiet...
Generally yes it's more than enough, it just so happens that their visits this week coincide with me having a shit time of it with health issues which has resulted in a decline in my MH too.

It's definitely a me problem, i don't blame or resent DP or the kids.

I think most people would feel a bit deflated about having to have family round when they're feeling unwell wouldn't they?

Most people in this situation want nothing more than peace and quiet.

I can retire to the bedroom with a book but I don't think I'll get much peace.

OP posts:
Chiccie · 28/01/2021 12:24

They should be doing school during the day anyway unless it’s a weekend. If that’s not happening at yours then that’s really bad and not acceptable. They shouldn’t be leaving the house until at least 3pm in a school day anyway unless it’s for a school PE session and they should be doing proper exercise like running/HiiT, football etc. Regarding the rest then you are being unreasonable expecting him to take them out for anymore than a quick walk round the block. I think you live in la la land to be honest. I’ve got kids that age as do many of my friends. None of them want to go out! It’s a ball ache to get them out for a 10 minute vitamin D break. This is what it is and I’ve got many friends with teenage kids. This shit gets much much harder. Teens don’t want to go out to parks etc with the parent. You’re going to have them wanting to be sat in front of the TV and devices in weather like this. Where do you expect him to take them on a day like today? I wrangled my 12 year old to a play park yesterday and within 5 mins she was bored and walking herself back home. They ain’t primary anymore. They don’t do swings and slides at that age. They’ve outgrown that stuff even if the weather was ok for it. You’re now a asking about organised activities like cycling with friends, go ape, kayaking...if I asked 30 other parents in my 12 year olds class right now, none of them are outside and few of them go outside happily or for prolonged periods of time on days like today

Chiccie · 28/01/2021 12:24

Buy yourself a pair of noise cancelling headphones

Godimabitch · 28/01/2021 12:24

YANBU he should be taking them outside anyway, because it's good for them. But he should also realise that as much as they enjoy your company, he is their dad and they should get some bonding time.
I'll expect my husband to take our child out and spend quality bonding time with them without me, so I'd certainly expect him to do it with a child that was only his.

Just say "why dont you guys go play football at the park while I have a nap, I'm not feeling very well." They're old enough to understand. When I was that age my mum would shout "bugger off out, you're doing my head in!" When she needed some peace and quiet Grin

Pinkdelight3 · 28/01/2021 12:24

taking them to the park on the way to our place so that didn't make much of a difference to the time spent here in total.

But it did give you time with the place to yourself. I think it's fine to feel cheesed off cos you're rundown and want them to be elsewhere right now, but that's just one of those things at the moment and the answer isn't really to send them out when that'll cheese them off too and only buy you half-an-hour or so. The shut door/book plan sounds best and they'll be gone before you know it and you'll have time and space for yourself then.

gannett · 28/01/2021 12:28

*I think most people would feel a bit deflated about having to have family round when they're feeling unwell wouldn't they?

Most people in this situation want nothing more than peace and quiet.*

Totally empathise with how you're feeling, it's completely natural. It's just that they're not being unreasonable if they don't want to go out... so unfortunately there's not a great deal you can do apart from ask nicely, and if the answer is still no then retire to your room.

If he sees them at the weekend then I would expect him to go to a park to play football or a bike ride or whatever

I sometimes wonder whether anyone on MN actually has indoorsy, bookish children. Getting dragged out to play football or for a bike ride would have been a nightmare for me when I was a child.

Howshouldibehave · 28/01/2021 12:29

What did he do with them before he moved into your house?

AStudyinPink · 28/01/2021 12:31

that manifested as him picking them up and taking them to the park on the way to our place so that didn't make much of a difference to the time spent here in total.

How long do you expect them to spend outside in this weather, realistically?

And ‘time spent here’ - eeek. Your home is now their home. They’re his kids, he lives there - it comes with the territory!

JemimaRacktool · 28/01/2021 12:31

I had this with an ex. I moved in with him and almost immediately he saw me as his live in nanny when he had access. His kids were adorable but it was too much for me so I used to 'get called in to work' so I could have some time to myself away from them.

He used to arrange his social life around his access days. I left in the end. I could see that he was a wanker and was just using me. I missed his kids more than I missed him tbh.

Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:31

@Howshouldibehave

What did he do with them before he moved into your house?
Football at the park, trips to the zoo, swimming and other child focussed activities. I appreciate most of that isn't possible at the minute.
OP posts:
Original poster
OreoIce · 28/01/2021 12:39

They're not remotely bookish children (and that's fine of course)

What they want to do when indoors is play on the PlayStation which is also fine in moderation but there's no volume control. They shout and scream when playing then fall out over the games etc.

OP posts: