to feel worried/confused/upset after convo with my Grandad...

[pixiella]

I just got off the phone with my Grandad and was talking about my trust fund...I want to take 1200 out of it to pay for digital slr, laptop and printer to help me with my photography/filmaking work as I want to continue my creative work and build my portfolio and maybe even undertake commissions and make some money from it as a sort of freelance photographer too...

The thing is...the trust fund money is supposed to be for anything educational (and my grandma and grandad are the people who control the account if u know what i mean..they have to approve what the money will be used for and only they can get it out for me)

I've always told them that I planned to go to university to either study fashion photography or film....but after my miscarriage in April (at 10 weeks) my whole life has been turned upside down....my priorities are no longer the same and like I've said in previous posts...I can't move on with my normal life plan that I'd had before. I can't suppress the feeling of longing to be pregnant and have a child.

They don't know about my feelings after the miscarriage (although they do know about my pregnancy and miscarriage) because they've just acted like it hasn't really happen...ok that's a bit unfair they did send me a lovely letter and phone me up to say they hoped I would be ok and continue on with my life etc...STRAIGHT after it happened. But they don't understand that it's affected the person I am. I no longer want to spend 3 years and THOUSANDS of pounds at university...

Me and my dp have been trying for another baby since 2 months ago...we actually made the decision to try properly after months of disapointment everytime my AF arrived...
This month I could be pregnant (got 5 days to wait to find out!) and I'm so excited about it.
I've made a new life plan which does include further education for me but not until the baby is a lot older.

I'd rather start a business and focus on making money for my family...and then do education for my own creative stuff that I enjoy later on.

BUT ANYWAY... the point is..my grandad has no idea that we having been trying to conceive (neither does anyone else) and I can't help thinking he'll be dissapointed in me and think the trust money that he got out for photography stuff for me was a waste... if he finds out I'm pregnant again (seemingly by accident, again..) and if I tell him the truth - that it wasn't an accident then he'll think I've been lying to him....

Which is suppose i have....but ...would anyone expect me to discuss my intimate sexual life/life plans/innermost feelings with my grandparents???

this is all a big mess this post..im sorry. i hope someone can make some sense out of it.

im so confused at the moment about everything!

(oh yeah click on my name to read my profile and read my previous topics if you want to know my whole background story.)

thanks for reading : ) xxxx

You sure sound old enough to make your own decisions. Is there an age when the money becomes yours legally.

I went to uni and to tell you the truth other than meeting my DH it was a shameful waste of time and money. I just wanted to get married and have kids...I hate working in a 9-5.

It sounds to me like you are investing in something for the future. Some oldies have this class thing about going to uni.

Could you not take legal advice....surely the trust fund can't just be on the basis that you attend uni.

You need to find out the terms of the trust. If it specifically states that the money is for your education, then your grandparents are not legally permitted to let you have the money for anything else.

It would, however, be unusual for that to be the case. Have you ever seen the original Will?

You do say you want to study later and if the money is specifically supposed to be used for education why not save it for that anyway?
And if you want to pursue non-educational stuff in the meantime, fund it yourself through saving or a business loan or whatever, or wait.
And if you might be pregnant why rush into starting a business now, might be better to wait a few years I would have thought. Starting your own business is hard work and needs time and commitment which while pg or with a baby you may struggle to find.

I know you may not want to hear this, but I agree with Mild.

You're only 18. I can't pretend to know how awful it is to have a miscarriage, and I do understant why you're desperate for a child now, but you're not long out of childhood yourself.

Give yourself a good 5 years or so. In that time, you can get your business off the ground, go to Uni or whatever you want to do, and in that time, your relationship with your boyfriend will be much stronger and you'll be able to withstand the strain of a new baby with maturity and experience.

I know it is hard to stop up the desire to be a mother once you get it, but I will point out that studying with a child is very difficult.
I put off Uni as I was unsure what I wanted to do, and ended up in a good job, but a year after I had my daughter, I started to qualify in the first stage of becomming an accountant.
It is hard work, it is tiring. Parenting is tiring, let alone studying (although I do work full time as well).
I am now in my final year, I work in the day, get home, spend time with my daughter, get her to bed, get the house sorted, then study for a few hours, before it all starts again at six in the morning.
I have this year to finish this leg of qualification, and then another two years to become qualified to the next level. I want another child, but I know deep down I'm going to have to wait, or else I'll be in my 30's before I can finish.
I know you say that you cannot imagine going to Uni now, but is there not a compromise - can you not do an open uni course, or a college course in the area you want to go into your own business, then get that off the ground before you have a child?

Good luck for your future. I dont want to sound negative, just to highlight that it is not always easy to study when you have children.

I so strongly want to agree with MMJ and those who say that it will be easier for you by far if you wait.

You obviously have this urge and need for a baby, but what you just cannot know, none of us did, is that once the baby is here the focus is off you and onto them, not just for 18 years but forever.

Sometimes the financial consequences go way, way beyond looking after them till they're 21ish. Like for us the financial consequences (because I stayed home with ds) are that we are way, way behind where we would be, we have a smaller house and we are mortgaged till I'm 68!

And it's not just financial, it's EVERYTHING; your time, energy is gone. It is possible to train and start businesses, people do it but my GOD it's hard and it's so much easier when you're not committed to a family. It is really not fun to feel guilt at whatever it is you're doing every minute of the day: if you're with the child, you're ignoring the housework/collegework/business and if you're doing any of the other stuff you're ignoring the child.

I just want you to enjoy being able to focus on YOU. There is no other time, when you're a parent, when you are not prioritising your child and thinking of them; and that's when they're 40, 50! It is so precious to be carefree.

My mum says children use you up.

That's so right. It's natures way. They use you up and to be able to give them what they need (rather than your own needs competing) it is so much easier if you are to an extent, done with the setting up of stuff and training yourself and are more on a plateau.

Of course it can be done and of course many young parents are fantastic parents but I don't think any one of them would call the situation you describe as ideal.

yes the trust fund quidelines say that it's to be used for educational stuff...but my granparents get the final say...since they basically created the trust. My uncle (their son) killed himself 4 years ago and they took all of his money and divided into trustfunds for me and my brother and my cousin.

My trust fund stands at 15000 pounds at the moment and gets about 600 interest on it a year.

My parents already too 1000 out of the trust to pay for my driving lessons and car as they thought this would contribute to my 'education' as learning to drive is ...well..learning!

So anything that contributes to my education or career is fine. hence the whole laptop,professional SLR and printer setup.

I'm not wanting to have control over the fund - no way! My grandparents are willing to discuss with me anything that i would want to use the money for...but if they think it's not a good use of the money they'll explain the reasons why and say no.

I studied a N.D in Art & Design and specialise in fashion/portrait photography and film. I want to carry on with this regardless of what other things I do in my life so I would need this equipment and one point or another, whether it be going to uni or starting my own freelance work.

My grandad approves of this and this is not t he issue.

Ok so that out of the way....
thanks for your advice...i understand you trying to warn me off having a baby...i've had it from alot of people.

Thanks to irises for making me feel even more like a silly child by saying 'you're only 18' very helpful.

and you're right you don't know how awful it is to have a miscarriage.

I don't know how my relationship with my boyfriend could be any strong to be honest...(aside from one of us having an affair, getting cancer or dying)..

we've been through (in our 1 year) travelling around spain and austria together, he's taught me spanish, i had a car crash where he heard it all on the phone and thought i'd died, he's battled with depression, concussion and subsequently finding out that he has an arachnoid cyst in his brain, then we went through finding out i was pregnant and worrying for 2 months whether i should have a termination (he didn't want me to have one) and then after I decided to keep the baby..I had a miscarriage and we had to go through that.

We've been through more than most couples who've been together for 4 x the amount we have. The longest we've been apart is 8 days when he went to Ireland and a week when I went to New York (while pregnant). We spend almost every day together and we never get bored of being in each other's company. We miss each other when we're apart for half a day!
We known each other inside out and have been through so many low and difficult times together and still love each other. I'm sure there's more hard times to come but compared to losing a baby and the heartache that brings - looking after a beautiful, screaming, pooping newborn seems like heaven to me.

I'm not desperate for a baby...at times i feel i am, but i've been through a whole emotional journey of wanting a baby so much to replace the one that i lost that i didnt think i could live another day without being pregnant...and then realising that i couldn't replace the baby i'd lost.

then thinking that maybe i could get on with my life and continue to be a normal teenager and go to university....but i can't - i'm forever changed. University seems like a waste of money, boring, a waste of my life. I can't think of anything worse than going to another mindnumbingly banal teenage fancy dress night out at a club which all my friend's who've gone to uni seem to be doing now. (and that's alll they're doing!...not going to any of their lectures.)
I've always been older than my years and now even moreso. None of my friends can relate to what I've been through.

I've never been a conventional person....i've never wanted to follow the crowd and do what everyone else is doing and wear what everyone else is wearing...I think that doing things in the order that everyone in our society does thing: School, College, Gap Year, Uni, Career, Marriage, Children, Die.

Is SO incredible boring to me. As human beings..the moment we start getting sexual urges is the age at which our bodies are design to have sex...ie...reproduce.

To be honest i used to think the world of fashion and film was glamourous and exciting...but having been involved in it for a bit..and spent some time in london - i don't like it at all...it's superficial and souless.

What really matters to me...is LOVE, seeing the world, being happy, friends and family.
That's all I need.

The thing i was worried/confused/upset about at the beginning of this post is just the pressures and expectations that my family and society place on me...I can't live up to them. I don't want to.

But I also love my family and I don't want them to be dissapointed in my decisions...I want them to believe in me and have faith that even if I do choose the path less travelled, the less convention 'life plan' that everyone mindlessly follows like robots...then I can still have a successful, happy and fulfilled life.

And why not with a child? What is so awful about being a young mother? I can't think of any disadvantages that can't be overcome or worked around.

I'm very sorry for upsetting you by referring to your age.

You do seem to be very mature for your age, and I wish you well in whatever happens.

Thank you : )

I think the best thing to do is be as honest with your grandparents as you have been with us on here.
You are obviously know what you want and if you tell them as eloquently as you have posted on here then I'm sure they'll understand.

Pixie, your post was rather confusing, but I suppose the thing I must ask you is did your grandad give you the money, and are you using your money wisely? I can see what you mean about not wanting to tell your grandad about your sexlife, but be honest with your self, the real reason you haven't told him, because you feel he will be disapointed that you are wasting your life.
While I can very much understand your desire for a baby, have you thought of the logistics of having a baby, the lack of sleep, clothes free of baby puke, and the lack of sopontinaity. It gets draining (no matter how good your baby is) to have to revolve your whole life around your baby, your friends walk away and have no ties and while they are snogging some bloke in a disco at 2am, you are getting up for the night feed with your eyes propped open with a matchsticks.

You sound like a fantastically thoughtful and strong person pixie. And I wish you all the very best in whatever you do.

I don't think there's anything awful in being a young mother. I think theres an awful lot about it that is desperately hard; but that doesn't necessarily mean awful.

i think you just need to examine all this from your child's point of view. Your child will have needs. You will have needs - forgive me, it is true to say that you are still growing up - that is not meant to patronise but be a statement of fact. Your career will have needs (training, setting up business, getting a job?) Your partner will have needs. Your relationship will have needs. You will have to provide financially so you and DP will have financial needs (that start on day 1 and build with NO BREAK EVER right to your child's being a grown adult.

No matter what else, if you can prioritise your baby's (very quickly to child's!) needs above all else then all will be as good as it can be for that child. That's all that can be asked of any parent I think. And whether that parent is 18 or 38 then it won't make a difference to the child. It's just that for most people it is easier and actually more realistic, to be able to give to the child's needs when some of the other needs are less pressing.

Seriously though, heartfelt good wishes, whatever you do.

My post seems disjointed because I could only see the op. So what if you aren't pregnant this month, what will you do?

if you don't want to go to Uni fair enough

but there are other things to do and it will be easier to get them started before having a child

babies are v portable and I'm sure you've seen freelancers carting them about. But that is only a tiny part of the story. I don't think you can be prepared for sorting out childcare for a mobile baby/ toddler while you try to establish a freelance career

I freelance and I have good, free, family childcare. I could not function without it - I do not earn enough. Certainly I could not have established a freelance client base without it. It is impossible to know how a child will affect your life and if you have dreams, then a year taken out to explore them wouldn't put your child-rearing days behind you

A miscarriage is awful, I know and I have had one. But it is something you can move on from and your youth does mean that you do have lots of time on your side.

"What really matters to me...is LOVE, seeing the world, being happy, friends and family.
That's all I need. "

That is in fact what most of us want....
But that does not pay you any money.
What do you plan to live on?

You have studied art and design, you want expensive kit to pursue this profession, yet you find it soul less, and it seems your passion for it has gone.

If you want to have children, unless you have no other ambition than to live on benefits in a council flat, and go to the playground and tumble tots daily, you need qualifications that will lead to paid work.

What are your plans? Other than travel and see the world (wich is both expensive and difficult with a baby) Sounds to me like you are not at all ready for motherhood, though you seem mature in all you have gone through.

dooley 1 - good advice, i just hardly ever see my grandparents cos they live far away and they only see me as their little grandaughter...my grandad still calls me princess! I can't open my heart to them...we're a very stiff upper lip sort of family when it comes to feelings. Although maybe I could write them a letter. They were so supportive last time I was pg.

mobileslostitinthefreezer - sorry my post was confusing - im a bit all over the place right now, it's just hard trying to convey a sense of your personality, situation and past effectively on an internet forum!
No my grandad has not given me the money, I have 15 grand in a trust fund and they (as the trustees or whatever) have the final say in what it is used for. However...the money isn't important right now. At least I do have some money set aside for education which is alot more than most people.
The real reason I havn't anyone that we're trying for a baby again is because I'm scared they won't take us seriously and dismiss us as stupid kids when we've had more life experience than some adults! I'm scared they will try and talk me out of it just like my friends tryed to talk me into having a termination. Some people feel that they're life will be ruined by having kids. But my life just feels empty without them. I don't want to spend half of my life studying and working and doing the 'normal' thing...and feeling empty and unfulfilled. Every single day I think about babies/children and I have dreams every night now about me looking after a baby...no matter what is happening in every dream I usually have a baby in a sling or on my hip.
I understand how draining it is to look after a baby...i've done alot of nannying.
Yes i have thought of the logistics of having a baby..after all I was going to have one! My due date was a few days ago - Sunday 28th October. I can do lack of sleep...im a teenager! At glastonbury festival in the summer i stayed up all day and all night and all the next day...and i'd not even been drinking or taking anything, it was pure festival happyness.
And as for my friends having no ties and snogging a bloke in a 'disco' (?? it's not 1973 anymore mobileslostisitinthefreezer lol!) I can't think of anything worse....I'd RATHER be getting up do a night feed cuddling my little one in a sleepy stupor!
Like I've said in my profile, i've done enough snoggin blokes in nightclubs and spontaneous things of that sort to last me a lifetime. It doesn't interest me anymore. And even if it did I'd never choose it over the love I feel from my long term partner and the connection we have.

Thankyou for your advice though, even though it sounds like i havn't, I HAVE considered it ALOT in the past. I will consider it further . But I might be pregnant now anyway!!! LOL. .

"University seems like a waste of money, boring, a waste of my life. I can't think of anything worse than going to another mindnumbingly banal teenage fancy dress night out at a club which all my friend's who've gone to uni seem to be doing now. (and that's alll they're doing!...not going to any of their lectures.)"

but you are not your friends. At university you will find people who are there to have a good time and those who are there to learn - and at university you will be able to find those people. Some of them might be mature students, but they do exist.

You seem to think that motherhood is not going to be mindnumbingly banal. It is. It's lovely, but it is also mindnumbingly banal. Especially if you are skint

Christ..I'm under heavy fire here... excuse me while I go and refuel... I'll be back after a cup of tea to defend myself !

Lol, I like your style!

"At glastonbury festival in the summer i stayed up all day and all night and all the next day...and i'd not even been drinking or taking anything, it was pure festival happyness. "

oh I know we are not supposed to say that you are young or naive. But if you come out with stuff like that? Honestly just read it again.

You really think that a night at Glastonbury is comparable to the possibility of 2 years of broken sleep, the constant ties of a colicky crying baby, with no money?

If you want to be treated like an adult on here you have to think twice before coming out with crap like that.

In ten years time you will think about writing that to a forum full of mothers and you will wince

you think we don't know what we are talking about? We have all been 18 we know what that feels like. We know what this feels like too

Try pure happyness festival awakeness for several months or years with children and then see if its sooo darn happy ....*groans at this

pixi the only place where I think you'll need to defend yourself is by saying that you understand how draining kids are because you've done nannying; and that you can 'do' lack of sleep because you stayed up for a couple of nights at Glastonbury.

I've got to say at this point that it's here that you're showing how painfully young you are and how little idea you have of what having kids will be like.

I am sorry, because I know how annoying that will be to hear. And I'm not saying that you CAN understand before it happens; but you at LEAST need to understand that you are no way prepared; to think that you are prepared or can be...phew.