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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

326 replies

iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:03

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 26/01/2021 18:07

This is why I moved away from the town I grew up in. Ime this happens all the time in towns where people don’t leave. Everyone treats you like they did when you were at school.

mbosnz · 26/01/2021 18:08

I agree with you. I also think that it's sad that as a mother, she's talking smack about another child's mother. In a close community, it's visiting the sins of the mother upon the child.

Have you given her a heartfelt apology?

HugeAckmansWife · 26/01/2021 18:10

Generally I would agree with you and would say she should grow up and stop creating drama, but is it possible that she feels her child would have grown up with his dad in the picture if you hadn't jumped in when they were recently split? Whether that is true or not, if she feels that, then it isn't ten years ago, the impact of what you did is still ongoing. I'm not saying that is the case or that I would agree with giving death stares etc - above the age of about 15 that's all a bit ridiculous but that maybe it. You either have to rise above and ignore it, or move away and start afresh.

Original poster
iwishiwasapunk · 26/01/2021 18:12

@mbosnz yes she has had many, many heartfelt apologies. She told me not to contact her again as it just brought up memories so I respected that but I did send her a final heartfelt apology in a letter to her but got no response (not that I was expecting one of course).

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbes · 26/01/2021 18:12

Is it worth trying to speak to her? You’re right. Mistakes from the past should be left there but you do owe her an apology.

Lougle · 26/01/2021 18:12

Tricky. I think you should be able to move on. I don't think you should expect her to be neutral or friendly, though. Have you considered a fresh start somewhere else? You shouldn't have to, but at the same time, it's unlikely that she's going to stop reminding you of the past between you.

Baycob · 26/01/2021 18:14

Well,I think it’s okay for her to still feel hurt. But she is still bad mouthing you 10 years on!! If she hurts so badly why did she stay with this guy! And what about the guy has he gotten of Scot free ?

Sounds like she has issues OP.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 26/01/2021 18:15

Well, she's never going to like you. Just forget it, you can't make her stop.

mbosnz · 26/01/2021 18:16

With the worst of my teenaged mistakes (and you might think this is hard to believe, but it's true), it was even worse than what you did. Ultimately, all I could do was own what I'd done, acknowledge it when it came up, and move on and live my life and leave them to live theirs, choosing as they would how they would interact with me. You cannot change how they feel, nor their reaction. Only yours.

Love51 · 26/01/2021 18:17

Everything you do follows you. That's how life works. It is up to you whether you choose to continue caring about her reaction. You can stop reading things into her behaviour (I'm not saying you're wrong, just that you can't KNOW what she is thinking) and make a decision not to care.

Wolfiefan · 26/01/2021 18:20

It’s not a mistake though.
You don’t accidentally shag someone. Confused

10 years later? Very odd for her to still be badmouthing you though.

Glitteryone · 26/01/2021 18:23

YANBU I still feel vilified for things I done 18+ years ago.

I live outside my hometown now and when I nip into it to go to a certain supermarket, I feel so so anxious if I see people ‘from school’.

No idea if that’s normal for an adult / mother / person with a professional job but I can’t shake it off

Enidblyton1 · 26/01/2021 18:23

YANBU
Living in one town your whole life comes with pros and cons. This is one of the cons.

Daphnise · 26/01/2021 18:25

I'm afraid you cannot escape responsibility for your actions, and it's not that surprising you are treated in this way, though it does seem a trifle petty on your former friend's part.

Unless you or she moves away, that's it, I fear.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 18:26

She can't move on if she has a child with that guy. He will forever be in her life, like it or not.

So she must try to have some kind of relationship with him, but she owes you nothing. Just ignore and raise above. Most people won't care that you slept with someone 10 years ago frankly.

If you end up in the same place but she makes a scene, she will look ridiculous, not you. Be a grown up, ignore, not much you can do.

There are always people who will bad mouth you, because they are jealous, of your appearance, your attitude, your success. You can't waste time bothering about them

steppemum · 26/01/2021 18:27

@Wolfiefan

It’s not a mistake though. You don’t accidentally shag someone. Confused

10 years later? Very odd for her to still be badmouthing you though.

mistake in this context obviously means bad choices you made, things you shouldn't have done etc. Hardly rocket science is it?
minipie · 26/01/2021 18:28

Hmm I don’t know. I was treated pretty badly by my first boyfriend, around that age. I don’t go around bad mouthing him but if anyone asked me about him, I’d tell them the truth about how he behaved.

If you behave very badly you can’t expect people to forgive and forget.

Bandino · 26/01/2021 18:31

I'd hazard a guess you live in a small town. You don't have to have slept with anybody here to get some giving you the death stare. I guess you've got to ignore it consider moving. But yes you should be allowed to move on from this. How many others will have done this but not been found out. There isn't a life manual for teenagers. It's an error of judgement. Whilst I do get her being extremely hurt it's a bit odd to be behaving like this as a 30 year old ten years later.

ElizaLaLa · 26/01/2021 18:32

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

That's got fuck all to do with anything. It was her you betrayed. You broke the girl code.

year5teacher · 26/01/2021 18:33

Man, I’m only 26 but I look back at how my mind worked when I was 17-21 and I’m just like... who was that?! I made some shocking decisions, very unsafe and also unkind sometimes. I had no real ability (or inclination) to think beyond immediate consequences of my actions - never really thought long term, eg breaking up with LD boyfriend because I sort of fancied a new boy I met. Breaking up WAS the right thing to do because he was awful but I regretted it! And then ditching the new boy for my ex as soon as he wanted me back... not okay.

I would never do these things now and I don’t really think being young is a complete excuse because not everyone behaves like that when they are a teen/in their early 20s. I just didn’t have my head screwed on straight and I was impulsive and living in the moment. Pretty self absorbed.

Honestly though your friend kind of needs to get over it, it was ten years ago and while of course she doesn’t want you in her life - it’s a bit much to be slagging you off STILL. Ignore her, she’s obviously still stuck in the last and there’s no need for you to KEEP feeling guilty constantly for something you did ten years ago.

AStudyinPink · 26/01/2021 18:35

I understand that you’re past this and you (rightly) feel that you are not defined by it. But to her, you’re the person who shagged their father of her child behind her back when you were meant to be a friend. What do you expect?

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 26/01/2021 18:38

It's never a good time to shag a friends' partner, but you can understand that a new mother is feeling especially insecure and struggling with a new baby. For her own sake she should move on, but you have to feel a bit sorry for her.

Narniacalling · 26/01/2021 18:40

Yeah she’s weird to still be that affected by it

I would imagine a very small town mentality (I grew up in one)

When you’ve lived in such a closeted environment everything in magnified because simply you’re around the same people 24/7 for all of your life. There’s no real perspective.

Also you’re both still actually really young.

Just shrug your shoulders and walk on by.

Narniacalling · 26/01/2021 18:41

@ElizaLaLa
Hahaha girl code. Sounds like you’re about 17 too

RavingAnnie · 26/01/2021 18:42

She's being ridiculous and immature. She's needs to move on, it was ten years ago and you should all be older and wiser now.

Not that that helps you of course. If she won't move on there's nothing you can do except put up with her childishness or move away.

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