To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

[iwishiwasapunk]

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

I agree with @riotlady. She isn’t actually harassing you.

Friends gossiping is completely normal. You’ll never be able to stop that.

When she sees you, she just looks at you. From your perspective she “goes out of her way to give a death stare”, from her perspective she’s just shutting up whilst you’re around as to not spill private information or so you don’t accidentally think she’s talking about you.

She’s just waiting for you to leave with no further escalation. She isn’t going out of her way to find places you’ll be at, she isn’t confronting you or starting fights etc. She’s largely keeping a distance.

Again I can see why the staring might make you feel uncomfortable but after 10 years, you might have misconstrued it as intimidation as it isn’t actually going further. Yes, she’s holding a grudge but overall I think it’s harmless. She isn’t following you around, and you may have built up the situation in your head and given yourself social anxiety

Yeah it's a good point, is she actually doing anything to you?

"Dirty" looks and talking to her friends isnt exactly harassment. Is it possible that when you see her YOU relive the guilt and that's why you're nervous to see her etc?

She went through a horrendous time by the sounds of it and ultimately, she gets to deal with it how ever and for how ever long she wants. It's irrelevant whether they got back together or if they're not together now, it's about your betrayal not his.

If would be great if she was able to move on but she obviously can’t yet.

You must remind her of an awful time of her life every time she sees you.

It’s up to her to forgive you and if she can’t, she can’t.

This situation happened to me (year 9) although it was a rumour and I'd never slept with the girls boyfriend but for the rest of my school days I was called a slag/slut/slapper/whore and even a prostitute.
Eventually in my 30s I moved to a different county to rid my false reputation but it would have followed me forever.

Although in a way it has because I'll never forget what she put me through.

I wouod have thought by now she could have just walked past you and ignored you but some people don't understand you dont need to forgive and forget just rise above it

I think it's fair enough that when she sees you when she's with her friends she looks at you. I would absolutely say to my friends 'there's that woman who snagged Dave just after I had a baby'. It's a part of her life now and there is no reason she should not be permitted to talk about it to her own friends because you think she should have moved on.

My friends dh just had an affair and she announced it on FB. She said she didn't want to have to tell the same story over and over again and she hadn't done anything wrong so wanted to make it clear that she wasn't ashamed.

Im afraid its her choice when shes over this. I tend to lean to your view that its been 10 years and she should stop badmouthing you. You made a (huge) mistake but you were practically still a child. But im not her.

I imagine from her point of view you destroyed what should have been a very magical time of her life. You probably caused lots of stress and possibly complications. You embarrassed her and ensured that people were talking about what you did rather than her pregnancy. It must have been hard for her to be around people knowing they all knew. You also caused endless arguments in her relationship and eventually the breakup of the relationship as she couldnt trust him. You lost her DC their father full time.

Obviously this is taking all blame from the other 50% partner of your choice. But she had her child to think of in regards to him, and you were not as important in their life.

I would go and see her (after lockdown) and just explain what you have said here. Except without the "shouldnt you be over it by now?" tone. Just ask to speak to her and apologise. However I wouldnt hold your breath about her letting it drop.

@SavoyCabbage but would you say it every time you saw her for 10 years?

I think YABU to not expect to have consequences following your choices a decade on. However, she is BU to still be bad mouthing you about it.

I imagine though that not only did you betray her but (in her eyes) you ruined or tainted her future life plans of being with her baby’s father and having a happy ever after as a family. It never ceases to amaze me how often unfaithful men seem to get away without the blame being equally or predominantly on them but a boyfriend and a best friend betrayal in one is a big hit for someone - especially when they are possibly at one of the most vulnerable stages of their lives, having just had their first baby.

I think such a massive betrayal of trust by a friend is worse than by a boyfriend (who is now ex bf). You have to learn to leave it and move on.
It's her choice, respect that.

@Baycob

Well,I think it’s okay for her to still feel hurt. But she is still bad mouthing you 10 years on!! If she hurts so badly why did she stay with this guy! And what about the guy has he gotten of Scot free ?

Sounds like she has issues OP.

This 🌺

Small Town/Small Minds 🌺

I think, not only has it been ten years - but you were barely an adult at the time - this isn’t you sleeping with your best mates husband at 40 - you were all teenagers. If she wants to still act like one that’s her issue.

You ruined a 12 year friendship. You (and the bf) made her a single mother in her teens. Betrayed by probably the 2 most important people in her life at a vulnerable stage in her life and for 10 years she has had to watch you get on with your life happy as larry (in her view). Every time she sees you she will remember what happened and how she felt at that time. Most adults would find that difficult to swallow let alone a teenager. She probably had some very dark times, her family being split and loosing her best friend is a lot of grief in one go.

[quote LastStarFighter]@SavoyCabbage but would you say it every time you saw her for 10 years?[/quote]
?

That isn’t what is happening here though. OP only says she’s being “death glared at”, nothing is actually being said to her

I think a lot of responses on this thread reinforce the whole 'small town' mentality. The brain does not mature to mid-late 20's- the last bit being around emotions and rational decision making. Yes you should not have slept with your best friend's boyfriend but I guess you know that. He equally should not have slept with you. Is he also enjoying ongoing stigma due to teenage choices?

[quote LastStarFighter]@SavoyCabbage but would you say it every time you saw her for 10 years?[/quote]

To my own friend, probably. Unless the friend knew already. She's not saying anything to the OP.

I didn't realize how stifling my small town was until I moved away. I didn't move to get away from the 'jolly japes' my friends and I got up to as teens, but once I was gone I could see that those japes did seem to 'follow us around' the town, IYSWIM.

If you don't want to move then all you can do is work on yourself. You know you did wrong and you have apologized for it from your heart. So now, YOU need to move on even if she can't. You need to hold your head up and if she gives you the death stare, give her one right back.

You are not the same girl you were and you needn't hang your head in shame nor scuttle away if she or her friends are around. Chances are they see your reaction to them and they thrive on it. If you stop giving them the reaction they want chances are eventually they'll get tired of it. And even if they don't, you'll soon cease to care about them and their 'looks'.

Frankly, if my best friend had slept with my partner when we’d just had a baby, I’d be surprised if either of you had managed to live it down in my neck of the woods, whether after ten minutes or ten years. You don’t need to tell me that this was a thoroughly reprehensible thing to do, and likely to have poisoned her life in a lasting way that your remorse, however sincere, will have done little to alleviate. Your personal growth in the intervening decade will be of very little interest to her.

I agree with your point completely. I was a very sensible ‘goody-goody’ when I was that age but I was still immature. I cringe at how I used to look down at others who I deemed ‘odd’ or I just looked down on. I was even thinking about this a week ago. How I used to bitch about people behind their backs or just make it obvious I thought I was better than them - even though I wasn’t.

A huge congrats to you on turning your life around and for building a great future for yourself! You need to leave that ‘friend’ in the past, where she’s chosen to remain. Send her good vibes but don’t bother apologising now. You’re not that person now and it was a different era. She needs to move on but she can’t until she allows herself to.

Your other friends recognise you just made a bad choice. They’re your friends xx

@willstarttomorrow agree. I still live very close to where I went to school - but in London - no one gives a shit about who slept with who when they were 18 (though to be fair I’m 40 - that really would be weird).

You’re not that person anymore, and you should be allowed to move on. I can’t believe there is anybody, who looking back, would change something they did in their teens. Try not to think about it anymore, you need to let yourself move on too.

You did a shitty thing, but you know that, and teenagers are often unbelievably self centred until their brains develop fully by about 25.
She sounds like she both loves the drama and the victim status the situation gives her, and she has to keep blaming you to justify her decision to take him back. I feel for you. I’m so glad I don’t live in a small town where, judging by a lot of these replies, her ridiculous attitude is normal.

When I was in my early 20s a close friend of mine started going out with my ex boyfriend behind my back. He was my first love, I lost my virginity to him etc - they met via me and got together after soon after we split, started sneaking around so I wouldn’t find out as we all ran in the same circles. Of course I did eventually, it wasn’t nice. I know I didn’t have any ownership of him and we’d broken up, but I felt hurt as we were close friends - and that they snuck around and lied about it and did feel a bit funny that he was my first love.

But after so many years? I’ve moved on. We aren’t friends but I wouldn’t badmouth either of them to people all this time later. They eventually split after a few years - he cheated on her and she reached out to me but too much time has passed and I felt our time to be friends again had moved on.

I know it’s not the same as cheating but I was very hurt and angry for a while. But then you have to let things go and move on. Doesn’t mean you have to be best buds or should just forget what happened, but it’s also not good for your own well-being to stew on it either.

Yes other people definitely need to move on but the Ex-friend herself is hardly gonna throw her arms around you in joy when she sees you is she. I think a bit of accepting responsibility needs to be happening here.

I do think it could be worse - I have a friend who did the same at a wedding, everyone got hammered and she slept with her mate's boyfriend. The friend was heartbroken at first but went on to forgive them both, married the cheating bloke and had my friend as her bridesmaid!! They have 2 kids and my friend is godparent to 1. I don't know the husband and wife to well but whenever I see pictures on social media I always think "you total mug" and thinks it ridiculous how they all act like nothing happened. I think that must be a torturous life so at least you don't have to keep up a strained friendship OP