To think mistakes made whilst a teenager shouldn't follow you the rest of your life?

[iwishiwasapunk]

I'm probably going to get a bashing here and am prepared for it however, I didn't know where else to post and can't think of anyone in real life who would give me an objective opinion. So here goes...

When I was 18/19 I slept with my best friends (grew up together, friends since we were 6) boyfriend who she had just had a baby with. Not making excuses but my life at that time was very out of control, I was taking a lot of drugs, partying all the time, had low self esteem and I will admit very selfish and only thought of myself. I took constant risks and never thought beyond the pleasure I was experiencing in the moment at the consequences.

My friend found out and quite rightly dropped me as a friend after making her feelings very clear, she also put up a photo of me on Facebook and told everyone what I had done - I was mortified at the time but understood this was a consequence of my awful behaviour. However, she took back her boyfriend within a week.

Thankfully I had a few really close friends that stuck by me, they said they knew I made a bad decision but I wasn't a bad person.

This all happened 10 years ago, I'm now 29 and I'm not the same person I was back then at all, I have managed to build really strong friendships since then and cherish them, I have a daughter, I don't take drugs at all, rarely drink, am in my third year of uni and have went through a lot in the past 10 years which has really resulted in me growing as a person.

However, 10 years later and my ex friend still talks badly about me around town, and she always goes out of her way to get in close proximity to me when out and give me a death stare. It's really uncomfortable. The other day I was a walk down the beach with my daughter and I walked past her, her son and two of her friends and they all stopped speaking and glared at me.

I understand she hates me and probably always will but for 10 years now I avoid places I feel she is likely to be, for instance if I am invited on a night out with friends I get a knot in my stomach wondering if I will run into her so I usually just won't bother. I get nervous to go anywhere incase she's there, and I've lived like this for 10 years.

The thing is she's not even with the boyfriend anymore, he is now engaged to someone else and they have a baby.

I just wish I'd never done it but can hand on heart say I was not the same person back then that I am standing here today. AIBU to think this mistake should not follow me around for the rest of my life? Or is this what I deserve?

Also, as a pp said earlier, there is a tendency for some people to treat you like they did when you were at school.

I also know several women who slept with 5 or 6 blokes whilst in school (so they were 14-15 y.o.) And 20 years later, a few men I knew (AND a few women,) called them 'those slags from school.'

And one bloke in my road (in the late 1970s,) got done by the police for making silent phone calls to a couple of women he fancied. It was in the local paper, and even 30 years later (2009,) a woman I know pointed out 'Dave the perv!' in town one day. He had been 19 years old, and it was THIRTY years ago, and yet people still brought it up!

Going along with the 'people treat you like you're at school' narrative... I am the youngest of 8 cousins (who all lived in this small town,) and even though I was only 5 years younger than the oldest, (and 3 of them were only 1 to 2 years older,) I was STILL treated like a dumb kid. Especially as I was quiet and timid and not loud and brash like the rest of them.

Even when I was 30, and was married with a daughter, I was still treated like a kid.

One time I stuck 2 fingers up at a van driver who shouted 'Oi blondie, get yer knickers off!' as he was driving past.

2 days later, I went to see my mum, and he said that 'Lyn' (my cousin,) had told her that she saw me. Apparently she had been in a car 2 vehicles behind the truck, and she saw me stick my 2 fingers up. Mum said 'really Patti! People SAW you. You never know who's watching. They're disgusted with your behaviour.'

I said 'WHO? Who is?' She said 'your aunt and cousin, AND your nan!' These women constantly cussed and swore, gossiped and bitched about people, got pissed and got into fights in pubs, and fell out with neighbours, calling them cunts and bitches. But I was a naughty girl because I stuck my 2 fingers up at a sexist van driver!

Honestly!

It’s fine for the ops ex friend not to want to see her or be nice to her

What’s pathetic is she’s still slagging her off around town. That’s ridiculous. Anyone who thinks otherwise is probably also got that small town mentality.

She should move on for their own mental health.

You say yourself it is a small community and no one forgets. You knew that when you slept with your friends partner. You either have to ignore your ex friend or move away. I would not be surprised if as your child gets older they hear what you did in your youth. I grew up in a small community and very glad I moved away. I had too many ex boyfriends to feel comfortable living there. When I go back to visit my sister with dh if we go out in the evening in one of only 3 pubs I can guarantee more than one of my ex boyfriend will be there. On one night I counted 5, Very uncomfortable.

I can’t say I blame her. I’d be devastated if my friend shagged my husband just after I had my first child. How do you get over that, especially if you see her all the time? I think the only thing you can do is move.

I’m struggling to have any sympathy tbh

@ElizaLaLa that comment was completely unnecessary

My friend shagged my husband.
Married him!!
15 years later we are friends again, because he really was a cunt. And tbf she did me a favour
I can truly imagine this twat of a man was also a cunt she’s better off without

Well, tbf, it sounds like between you and her boyfriend, you kinda ruined her life. I certainly wouldn't have anything nice to say about you, 10 years on. She was your friend, she'd just had a baby, she probably needed your support and friendship and instead you fucked her boyfriend. The relationship didn't recover, and she has to see you all over the place. She'd be well within her rights to think that you're to blame for breaking up her family.

Don't shit where you eat. Hopefully that's a lesson learned.

Ouch. I agree with @SCALPHELP that’s a hell of a mistake. I wouldn’t still be talking shit necessarily but I’d not forgive or forget. Sorry.

No one is saying it's doing the ex-friend any good, but it's not up to the OP who decides when someone moves on or not.

It's easy to say "she should move on" when she is stuck the father of her child and runs into the OP regularly.

Even in London, with 9 Million people, you always end up bumping in the one person you want to avoid! In a smaller town, it must be hell.

YANBU and despite your mistake, I think you are better off not having her in your life nor should you have to leave your home because of it.

You made a big mistake however is she slagging off her child’s father or just you? Was he drunk as well or sober? It takes two to tango regardless yet she took said boyfriend back within a week. Can I hazard a guess the reason they are apart is he cheated on her again with someone else?

I can understand being betrayed but still going on about it publicly a decade later is definitely not on and definitely not in front of both her and your own child. The most you can do is ignore her and live your life and stop feeling guilty over it. You are not the person you once were, you took responsibility for your actions and cleaned yourself up. You have grown up and unfortunately she hasn’t. She is only hurting herself by her actions even if she doesn’t see it.

I doubt i'd ever forgive or forget someone sleeping with my partner while I was pregnant or had a newborn. That's a vulnerable place to be in and you and he betrayed her and caused enormous hurt.

But to still be talking about it with other / name calling etc is ridiculously childish.
I guess it's hard to get over that kind of thing though.

@HugeAckmansWife

Generally I would agree with you and would say she should grow up and stop creating drama, but is it possible that she feels her child would have grown up with his dad in the picture if you hadn't jumped in when they were recently split? Whether that is true or not, if she feels that, then it isn't ten years ago, the impact of what you did is still ongoing. I'm not saying that is the case or that I would agree with giving death stares etc - above the age of about 15 that's all a bit ridiculous but that maybe it. You either have to rise above and ignore it, or move away and start afresh.

Its not his baby?

I think YABU at 18 I knew not to shag my best friends boyfriend and frankly she's never going to forget it. If you want to lose the label I would move away

I mean, yes I can see why you want to move on and it seems unreasonable for her to still be angry towards you etc 10 years later.

However, you dont get to hurt someone and then decide how hurt they should be, how long it should last for and/or how they get over it.

never mind I just reread

Fucking hell she needs to get over it. Although I don’t know how you resolve it with her. She doesn’t sound like she has grown up.

OP- I totally agree with you. Lots of us do things as teenagers and young adults we look back on and with our adult hindsight are not proud of. I know I have had to 'forgive myself' for things I am deeply ashamed of but rationally realise were just me being a silly teen with some issues. Luckily for me I moved on from small provincial towns and the people at uni etc who would remember that me.

I am always a bit amazed by middle class parents wanting to move their kids from thriving, multi-cultural cities to these communities. They are hell for lots of young people. I suspect that you have moved on and made something of your life remains a source of frustration for those who determined you were the 'enemy' years ago. It does not fit their narrative. It reminds me a bit of some vile friends DD made at high school, included them in everything- we ran them around and paid for stuff for the group. All of them knew each other from primary and kept falling out, obvious queen bee who accused the whole world of bullying her. They fell out over something with DD that was really trivial. She moved on but 2 years later they are still obsessed with trying to run her down. They are quite well known for it and look incredibly pathetic due to their ongoing obsession. They just cannot move on.

I think that, if I had had a baby young, and my best friend shagged the father of my baby shortly afterwards, I would probably bad mouth them for the rest of my life.
That is such an awful thing to do, and probably completely screwed with her head when she needed support and love. I am sorry that you were in such a bad place that you couldn’t clearly see the consequences of your actions, but fuck me, with friends like you, who needs enemies? That is just about the lowest of the low.

Oof.

I was all set to agree with you, but bloody hell- your childhood best friend's partner? When she was presumably at home with their little baby?

That goes beyond teenage foolishness. That's quite a spiteful thing to do. You did that knowing it would hurt her.

Did you ever actually apologise to her?

I probably wouldn't be giving you a happy wave on the beach either tbh

Why not send her a message and say you're older now, you realise what a horrible thing you did, and you're sorry?

She shouldn’t be hassling you but it sounds like she isn’t really- just glaring at you a bit and complaining with her friends, which isn’t that terrible. It would take me a lot more than 10 years to get over being a new young mum and finding out my best friend had slept with my partner.

OP says she still bad mouths her around town.
That’s not the same as ignoring someone on the beach

Why not send her a message and say you're older now, you realise what a horrible thing you did, and you're sorry?

OP did that several times and was told not to contact again.

mistake in this context obviously means bad choices you made, things you shouldn't have done etc
Hardly rocket science is it?

And its hardly rocket science to know that sleeping with your best friends boyfriend is the wrong thing to do either is it. Its not a mistake us it, no matter how drunk you are, its a choice, a bad one but still a choice.

I would be devastated if this happened to me, not because of the guy because eventually someone else would come along but because of the best friend's betrayal and the fact I know I could never forgive her and would miss her.

I feel sorry for her and agree that whilst it would healthier for her to "move on" its not up to OP to say she should. She still has to see OP around to.

Actions have consequences. These are yours.